MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Hi everyone. New to this site and really need some advice. I will try to make this as short as I can. I have decided a year after my divorce, that I was ready to date again, so I gave the internet dating sites a shot. As I was browsing on Match.com I found someone that took my breath away. Handsome, charming, romantic, sophisticated (or so his profile stated) and I messaged him right away with a wink and a hello. You can imagine my excitement when I heard back! He told me I was beautiful and that he would like to get to know me better. After endless emails, and texts and finally talking on the phone for a month we decided to meet. Everything I was expecting he was. I truly felt like this guy could be the one! And after being so hurt in my marriage, I really wanted a good guy. We dated for a couple of weeks until I started noticing he was still on these dating sites, and even found a testimonial of one woman saying what a great time she had with him 2 nights before we spent the weekend together! I was livid, and I let him know that it upset me, and that if he wanted to keep dating to let me go. He proceeded to call mecontrolling and psychotic (erm?) and said that he couldn't deal with that. So, long story short, we called it off. I miss him though, and feel like maybe I was in the wrong. Was I too controlling or acting like a crazy person? The chemistry between us was amazing, and I don't want to ruin something that has potential to be great. Please I really need some advice here. Thank you for reading.
Lilmisus Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 You both seem to have been on two different pages and were looking for different things. You're looking for a new relationship to help bounce you back on your feet after your divorce, and he's looking to casually date. Just because you guys had a few dates, and spent a weekend together, doesn't that you were exclusive yet. If you guys talked about it, and talked about what you were both looking for, before you found out he was still on the dating site, than yes, it was wrong for him to keep it up without telling you. But if you didn't, he had every right to keep it up, and go out with anyone he wanted still. Would I call you controlling? No, I just think that you went about this in the wrong way. If you want to get in touch with this guy again, you can try, but it wont mean that he will suddenly be willing to be in a relationship with you, and not just casually date like y'all were before. But good luck in finding a great guy! If I were you, I would just see this as a step in the right direction, and move on to the next available guy, and hope that he's looking for what you are.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 You both seem to have been on two different pages and were looking for different things. You're looking for a new relationship to help bounce you back on your feet after your divorce, and he's looking to casually date. Just because you guys had a few dates, and spent a weekend together, doesn't that you were exclusive yet. If you guys talked about it, and talked about what you were both looking for, before you found out he was still on the dating site, than yes, it was wrong for him to keep it up without telling you. But if you didn't, he had every right to keep it up, and go out with anyone he wanted still. Would I call you controlling? No, I just think that you went about this in the wrong way. If you want to get in touch with this guy again, you can try, but it wont mean that he will suddenly be willing to be in a relationship with you, and not just casually date like y'all were before. But good luck in finding a great guy! If I were you, I would just see this as a step in the right direction, and move on to the next available guy, and hope that he's looking for what you are. I appreciate the input, thank you. However he wasn't just looking to casually date, he was looking for the same thing I was, that is why I got upset. Had I known he only wanted to "date" I wouldn't have responded to his ad.. you know?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Sorry this happened to you, but you knew what you wanted and deserved and he couldn't handle that. There's nothing wrong in speaking your mind and asserting your needs. It doesn't make you controlling only affirms yourself to others that you don't take their crap.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Sorry this happened to you, but you knew what you wanted and deserved and he couldn't handle that. There's nothing wrong in speaking your mind and asserting your needs. It doesn't make you controlling only affirms yourself to others that you don't take their crap. Nothing against you papercut, but these kind of posts really irk me. Why is the man the OP talked about not able to "handle" her needs? You don't know that. What happened here is the OP has a different view on dating as he does. I'm pretty sure he's fully capable of handling a relationship if he wanted to, and I'm pretty sure he can't - let's just go with I don't know that. Don't be so quick to belittle this man, because neither him nor the OP were wrong or proved wrong with some kind of immoral action. He wants to date around, she doesn't. Nobody is wrong, they both need to move on. Saying that he "can't handle" the OP's needs is just painting him in some form of a weak, pathetic light, to make the OP feel better about herself. Not cool.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Sorry this happened to you, but you knew what you wanted and deserved and he couldn't handle that. There's nothing wrong in speaking your mind and asserting your needs. It doesn't make you controlling only affirms yourself to others that you don't take their crap. Thanks for the support papercut. I don't think it makes him a bad guy, just wish he had been a little more clear with what he wanted, or at least let me know he still wanted to date. As far as I knew he was only interested in me.
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I was in a very similar situation. When I felt that things had progressed far enough, I discussed the issue with him. I wanted to be exclusive and he agreed that he felt the same. We both agreed to take down our profile's. I think you were right in wanting clarification, but you went at it the wrong way. You first needed to calmly discuss it and find out if he felt the same instead of blowing up at him. Just because you found "the one" doesn't mean he felt the same. So I think it's wrong to accuse him of just wanting to casually date. He could honestly be looking for serious relationship and just hasn't found it yet. Sorry this happened to you. Dating can be freaking painful.
bayouboi Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Nothing against you papercut, but these kind of posts really irk me. Why is the man the OP talked about not able to "handle" her needs? You don't know that. What happened here is the OP has a different view on dating as he does. I'm pretty sure he's fully capable of handling a relationship if he wanted to, and I'm pretty sure he can't - let's just go with I don't know that. Don't be so quick to belittle this man, because neither him nor the OP were wrong or proved wrong with some kind of immoral action. He wants to date around, she doesn't. Nobody is wrong, they both need to move on. Saying that he "can't handle" the OP's needs is just painting him in some form of a weak, pathetic light, to make the OP feel better about herself. Not cool. I think in a woman's mind, they just try to comfort/empathize with the other woman's post no matter wrong or right. In their mind, there's no harm/foul because the guy in this case will likely never see the post that belittles him, whereby the OP WILL see the post and perhaps be comforted by someone else basically agreeing with their position/reinforcing them. So whereby, men tend to look at/for facts and then make a judgment, women are more interested in meeting the current engaged person's emotional needs. Hence why you'll typically find a group of females gossiping about another group behind their back, but then do the very same thing with those exact people they were just gossiping about.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Nothing against you papercut, but these kind of posts really irk me. Why is the man the OP talked about not able to "handle" her needs? You don't know that. What happened here is the OP has a different view on dating as he does. I'm pretty sure he's fully capable of handling a relationship if he wanted to, and I'm pretty sure he can't - let's just go with I don't know that. Don't be so quick to belittle this man, because neither him nor the OP were wrong or proved wrong with some kind of immoral action. He wants to date around, she doesn't. Nobody is wrong, they both need to move on. Saying that he "can't handle" the OP's needs is just painting him in some form of a weak, pathetic light, to make the OP feel better about herself. Not cool. If he could " handle" it, then he wouldn't be so quick to be judgmental about her being " controlling". When given the pressure to commit or move on to someone else, he did the latter. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but we're not talking about the guy, we're talking about the OP wanting to date and commit to a relationship, and he couldn't offer it to her. Also you should have read the OP's response I appreciate the input, thank you. However he wasn't just looking to casually date, he was looking for the same thing I was, that is why I got upset. Had I known he only wanted to "date" I wouldn't have responded to his ad.. you know? She thought they were on the same page. She did nothing wrong in affirming to him about her wants and needs.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Match has "testimonials"? You were in the wrong here, Tiff. Sorry. Sure he might have been looking for a serious relationship, but until he decided to become exclusive with you, it was well within his rights to "date around". Just because someone has a great time with you doesn't mean that he is ready to become exclusive after only a couple weeks of dating. The way you handled it--confronting him as if he was doing something wrong--did NOT help your cause either. You can try contacting him again, but it looks pretty grim.
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 She thought they were on the same page. She did nothing wrong in affirming to him about her wants and needs. Her mistake was first making an assumption. He second mistake was blowing up at him rather than calmly talking about it. The whole thing could have been avoided with better communication.
LittleTiger Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 We dated for a couple of weeks until I started noticing he was still on these dating sites, and even found a testimonial of one woman saying what a great time she had with him 2 nights before we spent the weekend together! I was livid, and I let him know that it upset me, and that if he wanted to keep dating to let me go. He proceeded to call mecontrolling and psychotic (erm?) and said that he couldn't deal with that. So, long story short, we called it off. This illustrates exactly the problem with multi-dating. He assumed he could date whoever he wanted until you had an 'exclusivity talk'. You assumed you were exclusive. If he said he was looking for a relationship and didn't tell you he was dating other people, I personally see that as dishonest - although, for some reason, many people don't. There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling somebody how you feel and to lay down whatever rules you want when it comes to dating you. If exclusivity is what you want and he doesn't want the same then you're not right for each other at this time. If you went purple in the face and screamed at him like a banshee, you might want to reconsider your means of communication if you're ever faced with a similar situation in the future - men aren't keen on overly dramatic women - especially in the early stages of a relationship. However, if he called you controlling and psychotic, no matter what the provocation, you're better off without him. Get back online and next time you meet someone you like, make sure you ask if he's multi-dating before you start getting too involved.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 If he could " handle" it, then he wouldn't be so quick to be judgmental about her being " controlling". When given the pressure to commit or move on to someone else, he did the latter. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but we're not talking about the guy, we're talking about the OP wanting to date and commit to a relationship, and he couldn't offer it to her. Also you should have read the OP's response She thought they were on the same page. She did nothing wrong in affirming to him about her wants and needs. I was just looking for advice, not asking for anyone to choose sides. I may have been in the wrong for getting upset, and going about things the wrong way, and he was also wrong in not being clear about what he wanted.
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Well this situation comes by every now and then here on LS. Allow me to explain. A lot of people, including here on LS, are doing what's called multi-dating. It's when you date multiple people at a time until you find the right one with which you go mutual exclusive. Except here's the thing. A lot of people don't mention that they're multi-dating and a lot of people they're dating with don't even know what multi-dating is. And some people here even on LS seem to think that one shouldn't even mention the fact that one is multi-dating, that it should be a silent agreement that mutual exclusivity does not exist between the daters unless it has been verbally established by both parties. That's where I disagree, because if you're new to dating, then you have no clue about these things, but even if you're experienced, then that attitude would force you to always assume the worst about the person that you're dating. So in my opinion multi-daters should just make that clear immediately so that the person they're dating doesn't get surprised. Put it in your profile or say it on the first date. I think there is where you got surprised and that's why you felt cheated. It's understandable in my opinion. I don't agree with that whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing, it will surprise people who are new to dating and forces experienced daters to assume the worst.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I was just looking for advice, not asking for anyone to choose sides. I may have been in the wrong for getting upset, and going about things the wrong way, and he was also wrong in not being clear about what he wanted. I'm not taking sides, just killing the Feminazism before it grows into it's true form, a grotesque five headed giant stinkin' turd. Cause that's what Feminazism really is, a load of festering, biased horse ****. I just saved papercut, now she may use her enlightenment for the greater good of humanity lmfao
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I don't understand the confusion with "what he wanted". He was looking for a serious relationship, right? So how is he supposed to find that? He dates. And some people take their time about deciding who to get serious with. I don't see how he was unclear or dishonest. Not unless he told you he wanted a serious relationship with you?
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Nothing against you papercut, but these kind of posts really irk me. Why is the man the OP talked about not able to "handle" her needs? You don't know that. What happened here is the OP has a different view on dating as he does. I'm pretty sure he's fully capable of handling a relationship if he wanted to, and I'm pretty sure he can't - let's just go with I don't know that. Don't be so quick to belittle this man, because neither him nor the OP were wrong or proved wrong with some kind of immoral action. He wants to date around, she doesn't. Nobody is wrong, they both need to move on. Saying that he "can't handle" the OP's needs is just painting him in some form of a weak, pathetic light, to make the OP feel better about herself. Not cool. No kidding. I can absolutely see where the guy is coming from. Say I'm looking for a relationship. I met a girl. I think she is cool, but I don't know her that well yet. What's more, I'm the first person she is dating after a divorce (red flag). Anyway, I like this girl enough to keep seeing her and to find out more about her. But I'm not in a position to give up my freedom--something I and every other guy in demand cherishes--until I know her better. Then she comes along and yells at me for taking my time. That is a huge turn-off, and it makes me want to run. See there's nothing worse than a clingy girlfriend. So it's game over.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I was just looking for advice, not asking for anyone to choose sides. I may have been in the wrong for getting upset, and going about things the wrong way, and he was also wrong in not being clear about what he wanted. Clear about what he wanted? Until you become exclusive it is assumed that you are not dating exclusively.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Well this situation comes by every now and then here on LS. Allow me to explain. A lot of people, including here on LS, are doing what's called multi-dating. It's when you date multiple people at a time until you find the right one with which you go mutual exclusive. Except here's the thing. A lot of people don't mention that they're multi-dating and a lot of people they're dating with don't even know what multi-dating is. And some people here even on LS seem to think that one shouldn't even mention the fact that one is multi-dating, that it should be a silent agreement that mutual exclusivity does not exist between the daters unless it has been verbally established by both parties. That's where I disagree, because if you're new to dating, then you have no clue about these things, but even if you're experienced, then that attitude would force you to always assume the worst about the person that you're dating. So in my opinion multi-daters should just make that clear immediately so that the person they're dating doesn't get surprised. Put it in your profile or say it on the first date. I think there is where you got surprised and that's why you felt cheated. It's understandable in my opinion. I don't agree with that whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing, it will surprise people who are new to dating and forces experienced daters to assume the worst. Multi-dating? LOL I must have been under a freakin' rock for the last 8 years or am just way too old fashioned to be dating in this time. Maybe I am, because I would think stringing along 5, 10, 15 men or women would get tiring, not to mention keeping them all straight! IF that was the case, and he was multi-dating, maybe that information should have been put in the profile.. JMO. I guess that's what comes with online dating, you cant really expect the person to be JUST like thier profile. I have a fun time ahead of me.. sigh. lol
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I'm not taking sides, just killing the Feminazism before it grows into it's true form, a grotesque five headed giant stinkin' turd. Cause that's what Feminazism really is, a load of festering, biased horse ****. I just saved papercut, now she may use her enlightenment for the greater good of humanity lmfao Right, and we need to halt the male chauvinistic tendency that sprout out of misreading posts and or taking posts out of context.
O'Malley Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I'd tend to write him off, as he's apparently multi-dating, if you aren't comfortable with that. While people do assume exclusivity sometimes when they shouldn't, he made the deliberate choice not to mention that he was also dating other women. Lying by omission. Nothing wrong with multi-dating, as long as the people he is seeing are notified and on the same page about it. With online sites and dating in general these days, you can't assume exclusivity straight off the bat. If you're wanting a serious relationship, take more time to date and get to know someone before you invest any commitment or intimacy into the situation. Make it clear that you are not interested in multi-dating, and ask if he's dating anyone else. Gauge his responses.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 So how did you find out he was dating other people anyway? You went onto Match. So either (a) you were looking around yourself, or (b) you were 'checking up' on him. See what I'm getting at here?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Being harsh much? The OP just started dating again after a divorce, if she's old- fashioned you can't exactly reprimand her for that. The only thing now is that she learns from this experience and knows what to apply in her next date/relationship. If she doesn't want to multidate she has a right to assert and meet men who feels the same way she does.
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Multi-dating? LOL I must have been under a freakin' rock for the last 8 years or am just way too old fashioned to be dating in this time. Maybe I am, because I would think stringing along 5, 10, 15 men or women would get tiring, not to mention keeping them all straight! IF that was the case, and he was multi-dating, maybe that information should have been put in the profile.. JMO. I guess that's what comes with online dating, you cant really expect the person to be JUST like thier profile. I have a fun time ahead of me.. sigh. lol What I meant was that multi-dating is dating multiple people in the same period of time. Not multiple people on the same date, that's called circle-dating, so I've learned here on LS.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Being harsh much? The OP just started dating again after a divorce, if she's old- fashioned you can't exactly reprimand her for that. The only thing now is that she learns from this experience and knows what to apply in her next date/relationship. If she doesn't want to multidate she has a right to assert and meet men who feels the same way she does. Yeah well, good luck with that. I for one am not going to commit to stop dating other women until I know someone a little better than only a couple weeks. Have a "let's see only each other" after only one date and you will get someone like me to run. I think I speak for most eligible guys out there.
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