ConfusedFL Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Is winning her Back HOPELESS?? Post: 1 | Quote: Hey Everyone, Here is my story. I met someone younger than me 4 months ago. I study medicine and she's in undergrad finishing her degree. From the beginning of the relationship, I told her that I wouldn't be able to see her during the week. She agreed to come see me. After, a month I told her I was kind of anti-Girlfriend and kept pushing her away because of my studies. I was doing this because, I was afraid that she was in her low 20's and I was 32 with my focus to finishing my last year. I was afraid of getting hurt but never told her, so i acted like I didn't care as much. She was a trooper, she kept staying out of my way and letting me go study or go out with friends when I needed too ( no fooling around)and would feel bad if i got upset. I kept Telling myself and others that I wasn't crazy about the relationship, but I always ssaid how good she was to me and gave 120%. Then, on Val. Day she wrote on a card that she "loved our relationship and wants me never to forget that", and she wants me to "Always be happy" and "that she Cares alot about me" After a week or so I spent time with my good friend and told her I would either hang out w/ him that day and the next w/ her. I called her back and said I would come and get her.. she told me that she was having Sushi with her male friend that lived in her complex and goes to school w/ her and dropped off her lost cell phone. I didn't speak to her the whole next day. Finally I met with her at night and she tried to mend things but I remained upset. The next day, I dropped her off, and we got into a conversation about something, and i said again that I can't be serious because of my commitment to school. After, she was depressed on the phone and didn't want to see me. We are both sarcastic, so I said is it someone else and she gets mad when I tease her about things like that because she takes that serious. But after, saying let's meet if you want to break things off, she started crying andso she came and we started fighting about how she gives and she needs more of an effort, but when I agreed she kept saying " I can't do this anymore". She Said she was crazy about me, Then I asked are you in love with me? She said yes, when I asked again to confirm she said NO. But she said it to convince her self to stick to her guns. She cried and we went our seperate ways. I tried to be tough, then I called and went to her place to see if she wanted to go to lunch, but at the end I told her why I was hiding behind school and being afraid of getting hurt. I asked if it was someone else, she responded that her friend and her that (she went to have Sushi with) "we have alot in common, etc but maybe she just wants to be alone or maybe this guy might break her heart". Then I said, if its someone else then I can't stop you but if its me I'll come and see you more instead of you driving to see me, and that she was very special and important to me. She said we would go to a movie next week and "take care yourself" and that she would call, NO call. The next day I called and she disconnected her phone 2 days after, I told her I was crazy about her, sent her Flowers and Chocolate. I thought this is our first true fight that i knew she was finally going to get fed up w/ all the driving and effort, but I opened up a week later after surprising her on a Sunday, we went to Lunch (7 hours) we had some laughs but she was sarcastic and brought up comments about commitment, etc. I explained to her why I was afraid of getting hurt and was tough on her, etc. She said "well it was fun" and when I walked her back to the car, I Told her what I wanted to tell her..when I was crazy about, when the time was right, and that us guys are embarrsed how we sound or when we are put on the spot. What I wanted to say finally it came out "I LOVE YOU", Then she asked me what did I say? I said it again and she hugged me for 5-10 minutes, I kissed her neck her hands and she seemed to be happier, we cried and she said, she would stay in touch and we'll see what happens, the again no call... All I do is e-mail every other day, once she told me not to feel bad your a great guy and you know that and she also mention unfortunately, we didn't work out, but that was before that sunday of the I Love You. Since then she has responded to me IM (twice) and a few e-mails. I'm trying to stay away, then I think what if I give her time to see if this other guy maybe is the one..I have not confirmed this but I think this is what made her be strong and change the way she felt within 1 to 2 weeks.... I am always good at giving advice, but I realize that my fears have come true that she is the one for me and now I probably lost her.....I could only e-mail her or IM if she on at the same time.... Is it hopeless, I never cheated, etc I was just being busy and tough so I wouldn't lose focus.... It has been three weeks going on the fourth... I IM with her today, because I told her via e-mail that I had an important thing to tell her, she didn't want to call so she preferred to IM, but I postponed the conversation. I wanted to tell her I was trying to be strong, etc and give her time, but the other day I found her Card about how she loved our relatioship...I broke down and needed to talk to her, I want her to move in etc, then I read some of the posted responses here about giving her time and I didn't respond to what was important... instead i asked how she was, etc. She then asked me what is important to tell her during IM, she said it must not be that important, I told her yes it is but not over instant Message. I said can we meet for coffee? She said, " not today" we chatted shortly, then she responded " I have to go, good luck with studying and bye. I sent her a e-mail stating that it is important but I rather not speak to her via IM, Then I told her on another e-mail, that it not important and thank you anyway...Thinking not to scare her away!!!! I'm confused about this I want to get her back because she is a wonderful person that has showed me that I could love again.... But she said she would call me in months when it appropriate, then I said weeks and she agreed when we first IM each other... still no call just a e-mail here and there...... Is there any advice that she may still want to be crazy and in love with me or am i just too late??? I know some of you have had longer relationships but, I do want to be with this person for a long time after just being with her for 4 months.....
overseas2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 I feel your pain buddy. Just got out of a 8 month relationship with someone like you (afraid of commitment). At one point the girl just gets so fed up with it that it gets to you. And of course you commitment phobes always then come running after the girl once you have lost her. It is quite typical. You only want what you percieve you cant have. Well its good your learning that not every girl is a yo-yo. I am glad that she is teaching you this lesson. But I will tell you this. Stop the s*** and cut to the chase with her if you want answers. I suggest you write her one final e-mail in which you apologize for what an A** you were to her and made her feel unloved and unwanted. I suggest you tell her that you want to resume the relationship and that she will NEVER see a repeat performance of your unloving and ungiving behavior. And then you tell her that you will not bother her anymore after this e-mail ever again should she not choose to meet you in person and talk about this with you. Tell her its your last try but that it is a sincere one and that you have discovered how much you care for her. Tell her a time and a place near her house where you will be waiting for her. And go there. If she does not show, you will have your answer. If she does, you will have your answer. Her behavior could be indicative of two radically different mindsets: 1. she read the rules and she playing you like a fiddle 2. She got tired of your game playing and probably doesn't want to come back Either way if you cut to the chase and cut all the crap then you will get the true answer. Good luck... let us know what happens..... And don't get too angry at me for giving you greif but being with someone who is commitment phobic and tells you the things that told your girlfriend are really really hurtful. I just went through something similar (although I admit my guy had way more problems than you). I quietly suffered quite a lot and it got to the point where I could not deal with being told that he was afraid of ever being married and having children etc... I was tired of worrying that I was wasting my time at age 36. And it began to affect me mentally. I got depressed and listless and stopped enjoying life. That is just so unfair of one person to do to another that they claim they love. Ok peace....
Author ConfusedFL Posted March 25, 2004 Author Posted March 25, 2004 Thanks Overseas, good advice. I wasn't a commitment phobe, this was the first time. In all my past relationships, I would give and do things to make the other person and myself feel great. I enjoy being romantic, sarcastic and making the other person laugh. I was hurt by my last relationship, when the girl I was dating went back to her boyfriend 1 week before my board exam, I thought I was going to fail, luckily I passed. After, I promised to be careful and not rush in and stay focused on my studies and myself....I guess I started to be commitment phobic for the first time. God, I regret it. I always feel good if my relationships didn't work because of me or her, because I was always myself.....Looking for the right person.....Just was afraid of being distracted....Yes, an A++, I agree. I'm going to take your advice and cut to the chase, stop this Sh..,maybe on Sunday, After church. Maybe God will be smiling on me or I will get my answer at least. I try to meet her for coffee near her place. I kinda told her some of the things that you recommended, but I have to give it one last try.... Any recommendations for the encounter if it happens??? Thanks, P.S. would you ever consider taking him back??? Or is it pride that stops people??? Just trying to figure out what people think!!
Author ConfusedFL Posted March 27, 2004 Author Posted March 27, 2004 Well, I sent here a e-mail. I explained to her what an a.. I was. I asked her meet and here was here response... Enoy and Learn: On wed. you dont want to talk about it, but on fri. you do and you want to resume our relationship.... I don't understand............. but either way I am moving on with my life, I realized that you cannot make me happy, its not because you are a bad person or not good enough for me, but because things cannot work out between us. I tried to stay in the relationship as long as I could because I had really strong feelings for you but I realized I was only hurting myself because you (although u think u do NOW) didn't feel the same way for me. My life is a little more complicated than you think and right now my mind is at ease and so is my heart. I'm looking for my happiness this time and I cannot go back to what we had. My feelings are not the same anymore, my life is different now. I want you to be happy, achieve your goals and become the great podiatrist you want and will become. I cannot share that triumph with you but I will celebrate it. Please don't make things more complicated. Don't come to Starbucks to meet me. I'm not going to go. I have many good things going for me right now and I'm feeling great about what I'm trying to achieve. At least let me do this my way, I truly and sincerely apologize if I hurt you in any way, i do not mean to do that EVER. Not before and not now. You realized how much you cared for me too late, my feelings are not reciprocal anymore. P.S.- Say hello to B.. and your bro. for me. Bye, Besos y abrazos, Doesn't look good, but I told her on a long e-mail, if she believes in me, not now but maybe later, that I will still be there. I'll keep everyone posted.
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