pureinheart Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I would protect mine too. Why, because I love him. That's what you do when you love someone. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't answer questions either. It's up to her to decide if she wants to believe what her H tells her or not. I know that apparently goes against what everyone else is saying here, but that is what I would do. If the W really wants to find out what's going on she can snoop on her own. She can find her own truth. As for acting with integrity, what is integrity? Acting according to your own values. And my values tell me to protect those I love. So just a different view since it's so one-sided. Do whatever makes you feel like you have acted in accordance to your values. Good luck! Whatever exSO did to me makes no difference, no way would I ever let her know my business. What people fail to recogonize is that what goes on between the APs is not the OP's business.
woinlove Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) Whatever exSO did to me makes no difference, no way would I ever let her know my business. What people fail to recogonize is that what goes on between the APs is not the OP's business. While people in affairs often try to compartmentalize and rationalize in this way -- I have done it myself -- people's lives are more intertwined and connected than that. Even on a practical level, the BS could be losing his/her assets if the WS is spending BS's money on an AP, the BS could get HIV or other diseases if the WS is having sex and covering up that fact, the children could have an unknown sibling even. None of these is unheard of. On an emotional level, both the BS and any children involved want to know why their spouse/parent is absent, withdrawn behaving badly and it is their business why. In this case, from what is written it is not clear what the BS wants. Perhaps she was just trying to release some of her pain (in which case, I would suspect it didn't work). But other BS may be trying to get information to decide whether they should divorce or not. Once we involve ourselves in someone's life, if that person has a spouse, children, family, we may be touching all those lives in some way and we can touch them in a positive way or a negative way. Affairs with deception are almost always a negative way, but even then, there are often choices along the way that can make it more negative or less negative. I think what the OP is looking for is a way to make it less negative. That may well be in leaving the other family completely alone (I tend to think that is the case, given the information we have) but it is not because the affair and what went on between the two APs is none of the MM's family's business. Edited February 11, 2011 by woinlove
jthorne Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 OP- If you had unprotected sex with her H, I think you do owe it to her to tell her that. That is a truth you DO know. She has a right to protect her own health.
Mimolicious Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 So is she not chasing the H now that the affair is out in the open to the wife or because she is truly done with him? Had the affair not come to light, would the OP still be having an affair? I think some like to throw around they have integrity; but integrity to me is when asked, answering truthfully. It sounds like the OP is in a snit per say that the wife dared to be unkind to her. Not sure what she expected when the wife found out her husband was cheating. Yes, yes yes, the OP was not married to HER, but she is still married and HER H deserves to know that he has been exposed to STD's and that his wife has been unfaithful When she tells HIM the truth, that is when I will say the OP has integrity. How can you say she doesn't want to know? She reached out to you to begin with - she DOES want to know. But of course, she is going on half truths since she is believing the garbage her cheating H is feeding her. Of course she thinks she knows the truth....wouldn't YOU? I agree Yep, many OW continue to protect the MM, as the OP did here and then get all defensive when the wife who thinks she knows the truth has an attitude. I just don't understand why OW think they are 'right' in getting an attitude? And stop all this "I have caused enough pain"...yet continue to lie. Tell the truth. GIVE HER the chance to make her OWN decisions based on what you tell her as YOUR truth. She is still being lied to, she is still not having all the pieces and how unfair is that to HER that she is still being put at risk by her cheating H? Wouldn't YOU want to know if YOU were exposed to a possible health risk? Wouldn't YOU want to make up your OWN mind about the situation? The bolded- and I think at times this is why MM keep on messing around with this particular OW. Safe Haven.
Mimolicious Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 wow im glad my hubbys a doll ! we have trust but if he cheated ied be a lady n walk away A liar? You don't have the truth either, hone! He lied to you, the same he lied to her. He was living his actions and now wants to twist the truth. Applies to the both of you. Don't feel like you have one over his W. There's 3 sides to every story. The truth REAL truth, neither you or his w will have it. You guys know nothing at this point. And why are you copying and pasting my stuff and not quoting?
usher1310 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Sorry just wondering why you are considering telling her? I mean is it because you are feeling guilty that you know, or feeling sorry for her that she doesnt know? I often wonder about telling all because i believe my ex-mm may do this again and drag another OW into the situation and break her heart too-but i decided that i dont think that everyone knowing would change anything-his partner or him and he will probally carry on with other A's. My point is it may relieve your guilt but would it actually do anyone any good or change anything?
Mimolicious Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Because it was a spam link with live webcams as the hook. I'm surprised it hasn't been removed yet. Pfft! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SuzieWong Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Why do you need to tell her anything? You have apologised. If you want it to be over silence speaks loudest.
seren Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 The OW rang the house the day after D Day looking for answers, H had sent her a text that read, it's over. I had asked him to speak with her to give her proper closure, he wouldn't, and while I love the bones of the man, I recognise that he avoids conflict (one of the reasons he got into the A). OW spoke with me, after the first few minutes of saying I was stopping H from speaking to her and the I know him better etc, we were able to have a proper conversation. I asked, she answered, she asked and I answered, both of us got answers, not all that we wanted to hear, but all that we needed to hear. OW was gracious and I hope that I was too. Over the next few weeks she called my number, it was out there as it was a work mobile number available to all. I understood that she was hurt and needing answers that I couldn't give without being hurtful, yes, I was mad as hell, but at H, with her too, but being angry achieves nothing and so we talked, we talked about her marriage and the train wreck it was. I agreed not to tell her H as I knew from others and she that he would take it out on her physically. It felt like collusion, but there you go. OW was honest, even though she needn't be, she could have said so much to hurt me, but she didn't, she was truthful and I thanked her for her honesty, we both wished each other well. I wonder if I disassociated myself at times in order to deal with it. OW also cleared up a few things for me and I for her. The initial contact was helpful, her actions later not so.
Author Pawi Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Sorry just wondering why you are considering telling her? I mean is it because you are feeling guilty that you know, or feeling sorry for her that she doesnt know? I often wonder about telling all because i believe my ex-mm may do this again and drag another OW into the situation and break her heart too-but i decided that i dont think that everyone knowing would change anything-his partner or him and he will probally carry on with other A's. My point is it may relieve your guilt but would it actually do anyone any good or change anything? In many ways three days ago I thought it was only because she was preaching the truth to me and does not know it at all. (if you read my posts under infidelity you'll see the pieces that she might very well deserve to know). Now in the days since I have realized that I continue to have a strong connection to that relationship and that her appearance in my life made it difficult again for me to feel like I am separating from it. To tell her everything would be an act of emancipation. I would be forcing a distance between xMM and myself that could never be crossed. My perspective is actually unfair and I'm going to leave them be, if they want to save their marriage with half-truths and lies it is up to them. For me I have no clue what I'm going to do in my life so I'm not going to meddle in theirs despite some values of honesty and self-determination going forward.
jj33 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I think that you've made a good decision. Good luck! I think that is smart and you are saving yourself a heap of trouble. Based on what he has told her its unlikely she would believe you anyway. She would think it was sour grapes.
OWoman Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 OP- If you had unprotected sex with her H, I think you do owe it to her to tell her that. That is a truth you DO know. She has a right to protect her own health. Unprotected sex is only an issue if one (or both) of the partners has something to transmit. If both are clean, there is no problem.
bentnotbroken Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 In many ways three days ago I thought it was only because she was preaching the truth to me and does not know it at all. (if you read my posts under infidelity you'll see the pieces that she might very well deserve to know). Now in the days since I have realized that I continue to have a strong connection to that relationship and that her appearance in my life made it difficult again for me to feel like I am separating from it. To tell her everything would be an act of emancipation. I would be forcing a distance between xMM and myself that could never be crossed. My perspective is actually unfair and I'm going to leave them be, if they want to save their marriage with half-truths and lies it is up to them. For me I have no clue what I'm going to do in my life so I'm not going to meddle in theirs despite some values of honesty and self-determination going forward. It's up to him you mean..right? Because if she has only some of the truth she is dealing with a whole lie. You and he have given her the pieces of the puzzle to work with so it really isn't up to her....just what is best for you and him.
Jonah Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 My perspective is actually unfair and I'm going to leave them be. I agree - smart thinking. May I also suggest a permanent hold on divulging painful info to your spouse. Tell a priest of counselor if you must, but shatter spouses spirit not... if you can help it that is.
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