Dealing with the BS with integrity

[Pawi]

I'll keep my story brief. I had an intense both physical and emotional love affair with a MM for three years. I am myself married so keep that in mind but I won't bring those details to this thread, at least initially.

 

The relationship ended four months ago when his D-day occurred (mine has never happened). We have remained bitterly NC since then. I closed all accounts and despite my feelings for him have done nothing but respect that the end came. I have been working as hard as I can to move on with my life.

 

His wife did not know who I was and he promised to protect me from that to every extent possible. Just this Monday with him out of town she finally unraveled all the pieces and figured out who I was. I understand this, I would have searched also.

 

She sent me a friend request on FB, I initially just messaged her asking who she was, she replied acknowledging that she knew, I then asked her what she wanted and said I would give it to her. Her reply was just evil (I know I deserved the evil, I won't pretend for a moment that I don't, I knew he was married) She was pious and talked endlessly about the truth and how having it has set her free (they are working on their marriage) and that now she has choices and on and on about the incredible power of the truth. She said she wanted nothing further that this correspondence of hers was a 'gift' to me. (Can I post it here or is that a bad idea?)

 

During this time period I did contact xMM, prior to his wife's second response. I needed to know if I needed to immediately tell H everything. We ended up having a two hour conversation about things. He went in detail about what all his wife does not know and what he doesn't want her to find out. This includes the reason we met, that it was not just a random collision but that he had been looking for an affair for a long time, that we were in love, that we saw one another at least 4 nights a month, that I was just one of the affairs he has had, etc. I'm thankful for this conversation - I finally feel like I saw him for who he is - just another person - scared and cowardly, he's not at all the big, strong man I'd thought I new. For the first time I knew without question that I wanted nothing further to ever do with him again.

 

I was insulted by his wife's email and feeling like being somewhat assertive so I sent back a reply. I was calm and apologetic, told her I did not want to be involved in their lives and wished her the best discovering her truth (as it is what she wished for me).

 

Today part of me wishes I had the balls to just tell her that if she really wants the truth since it's just so wonderful that I have it for her and I have proof of it every step along the way. This is a step I will not take because I want to have some sense of both integrity and knowledge that in as much as I do not wish to have my life messed with that she deserves not to have hers messed with but this brings me to my question.

 

As she is obviously still searching for answers and I have them am I right to continue to withhold what I know (likely the knowledge that would keep her in her marriage vs ending it) from her? Is that the path with the greatest virtue? I have no desire to just ruin her life, I've done quite enough but as she came to me and wanted to throw all this 'truth' everywhere should I just give it to her?

 

I'm right to just back away now and let her take her own path - it's not my right to tell her all that I know just because I know it, correct? I just want this A to be completely done. No more contact, no more anything. It's too painful and just pointless. Or does she deserve to know even if xMM won't tell her? (I did tell him yesterday on the phone that in quick succession I would spill everything if I were him)

 

And as a side note I am working my plan to tell my husband about my A -openly and honestly, so it is not a fear of repercussions that would keep me from saying anything further.

 

I'm not in the business of ruining anyone's life more then I have. I just want to do right by the people I have hurt and need to know that my continued silence is the better path.

[whichwayisup]

Just totally come clean to your husband about everything. Better him hearing it from you than exMM's wife. The sooner you do talk to him, the better.

 

You and your husband can decide what to do after you come clean with him. Your H has every right to talk to exMM's wife if he chooses to, don't stand in his way either if that is something he wants to do.

[Mimolicious]

I'll keep my story brief. I had an intense both physical and emotional love affair with a MM for three years. I am myself married so keep that in mind but I won't bring those details to this thread, at least initially.

 

The relationship ended four months ago when his D-day occurred (mine has never happened). We have remained bitterly NC since then. I closed all accounts and despite my feelings for him have done nothing but respect that the end came. I have been working as hard as I can to move on with my life.

 

His wife did not know who I was and he promised to protect me from that to every extent possible. Just this Monday with him out of town she finally unraveled all the pieces and figured out who I was. I understand this, I would have searched also.

 

She sent me a friend request on FB, I initially just messaged her asking who she was, she replied acknowledging that she knew, I then asked her what she wanted and said I would give it to her. Her reply was just evil (I know I deserved the evil, I won't pretend for a moment that I don't, I knew he was married) She was pious and talked endlessly about the truth and how having it has set her free (they are working on their marriage) and that now she has choices and on and on about the incredible power of the truth. She said she wanted nothing further that this correspondence of hers was a 'gift' to me. (Can I post it here or is that a bad idea?)

 

During this time period I did contact xMM, prior to his wife's second response. I needed to know if I needed to immediately tell H everything. We ended up having a two hour conversation about things. He went in detail about what all his wife does not know and what he doesn't want her to find out. This includes the reason we met, that it was not just a random collision but that he had been looking for an affair for a long time, that we were in love, that we saw one another at least 4 nights a month, that I was just one of the affairs he has had, etc. I'm thankful for this conversation - I finally feel like I saw him for who he is - just another person - scared and cowardly, he's not at all the big, strong man I'd thought I new. For the first time I knew without question that I wanted nothing further to ever do with him again.

 

I was insulted by his wife's email and feeling like being somewhat assertive so I sent back a reply. I was calm and apologetic, told her I did not want to be involved in their lives and wished her the best discovering her truth (as it is what she wished for me).

 

Today part of me wishes I had the balls to just tell her that if she really wants the truth since it's just so wonderful that I have it for her and I have proof of it every step along the way. This is a step I will not take because I want to have some sense of both integrity and knowledge that in as much as I do not wish to have my life messed with that she deserves not to have hers messed with but this brings me to my question.

 

As she is obviously still searching for answers and I have them am I right to continue to withhold what I know (likely the knowledge that would keep her in her marriage vs ending it) from her? Is that the path with the greatest virtue? I have no desire to just ruin her life, I've done quite enough but as she came to me and wanted to throw all this 'truth' everywhere should I just give it to her?

 

I'm right to just back away now and let her take her own path - it's not my right to tell her all that I know just because I know it, correct? I just want this A to be completely done. No more contact, no more anything. It's too painful and just pointless. Or does she deserve to know even if xMM won't tell her? (I did tell him yesterday on the phone that in quick succession I would spill everything if I were him)

 

And as a side note I am working my plan to tell my husband about my A -openly and honestly, so it is not a fear of repercussions that would keep me from saying anything further.

 

I'm not in the business of ruining anyone's life more then I have. I just want to do right by the people I have hurt and need to know that my continued silence is the better path.

 

What is it that you know? This?

 

This includes the reason we met, that it was not just a random collision but that he had been looking for an affair for a long time, that we were in love, that we saw one another at least 4 nights a month, that I was just one of the affairs he has had, etc. I'm thankful for this conversation - I finally feel like I saw him for who he is - just another person - scared and cowardly, he's not at all the big, strong man I'd thought I new. For the first time I knew without question that I wanted nothing further to ever do with him again.

 

A liar? You don't have the truth either, hone! He lied to you, the same he lied to her. He was living his actions and now wants to twist the truth. Applies to the both of you. Don't feel like you have one over his W. There's 3 sides to every story. The truth REAL truth, neither you or his w will have it. You guys know nothing at this point.

 

Leave it alone and focus on either leaving your H or really working on what is lacking. Btw, dont be too certain of the BS telling your H what you were doing with her H.

Edited February 10, 2011 by Mimolicious

[woinlove]

The one time MM's W contacted me for information, I told her the truth and answered her questions honestly. I didn't check with MM first or anything, and we were still seeing each other, but he knew me and would not have expected me to act differently.

 

I think it is best to be honest. I think most people do want the truth and this woman obviously has not been getting it. However, given the interactions you have already had with the W and the fact that you communicated with MM, I would suggest just leaving it be, and focus on you and your own M. There is no reason for the W to trust you, particularly if the information comes out in any further conversation that you already know what she knows and what she doesn't know. If you have some indisputable hard evidence you might consider passing that on to her. But if it is just going to be a he said versus she said, I would let it be, as she will have no way of knowing if it is the truth or not.

[Mimolicious]

The one time MM's W contacted me for information, I told her the truth and answered her questions honestly. I didn't check with MM first or anything, and we were still seeing each other, but he knew me and would not have expected me to act differently.

 

I think it is best to be honest. I think most people do want the truth and this woman obviously has not been getting it. However, given the interactions you have already had with the W and the fact that you communicated with MM, I would suggest just leaving it be, and focus on you and your own M. There is no reason for the W to trust you, particularly if the information comes out in any further conversation that you already know what she knows and what she doesn't know. If you have some indisputable hard evidence you might consider passing that on to her. But if it is just going to be a he said versus she said, I would let it be, as she will have no way of knowing if it is the truth or not.

 

Besides, you may have already struck out. You had a chance to REALLY give her the thruth and decided to well, kinda, not put much integrity into it. Anything coming from you at this point may not hold much substance in the eyes of your MM's W. Unless like WIL said, you have physical evidence.

[Summer Breeze]

In every dday I told my xMMs W the truth. I let her ask and I told her. She had my cel number and I told her she was welcome to call me at any time with questions but if she wanted to preach or gloat I'd DNR her.

 

If I were where you are right now I would let it go. It doesn't appear she asked anything but she was more pontificating than anything. Let her get on with it because if she wasn't asking questions she didn't want answers. If you volunteer the information she may store it but she won't believe you solely.

 

If I were you I'd tell my H everything and I'd let the rest go.

 

Tell him though. Don't hide this from him. Remember he's a BS just like she is. If you think your xMM should come clean then how can you justify you not doing it?

[TigerCub]

Besides, you may have already struck out. You had a chance to REALLY give her the thruth and decided to well, kinda, not put much integrity into it. Anything coming from you at this point may not hold much substance in the eyes of your MM's W. Unless like WIL said, you have physical evidence.

 

I agree that she kind of missed her chance to come out and tell the W everything, but I don't think her response to the W lacked integrity.

 

I was insulted by his wife's email and feeling like being somewhat assertive so I sent back a reply. I was calm and apologetic, told her I did not want to be involved in their lives and wished her the best discovering her truth (as it is what she wished for me).

 

She told the woman she doesn't want to be involved (ie. not chasing after her H) and she wished her well.

I don't see how that's so bad.

[Mimolicious]

In every dday I told my xMMs W the truth. I let her ask and I told her. She had my cel number and I told her she was welcome to call me at any time with questions but if she wanted to preach or gloat I'd DNR her.

 

If I were where you are right now I would let it go. It doesn't appear she asked anything but she was more pontificating than anything. Let her get on with it because if she wasn't asking questions she didn't want answers. If you volunteer the information she may store it but she won't believe you solely.

 

If I were you I'd tell my H everything and I'd let the rest go.

 

Tell him though. Don't hide this from him. Remember he's a BS just like she is. If you think your xMM should come clean then how can you justify you not doing it?

 

Great post SB...

[silktricks]

IMO - IF she should come and ask you for the truth, then tell her. That is not what she did, she told you she HAS the truth and it has set her free. For now she is satisfied with what her H has said. That may change at some time in the future. She may come to you later.

 

I would suggest that you do not contact her to offer anything, as that would be construed as intruding.

 

JMO

[TigerCub]

If I were where you are right now I would let it go. It doesn't appear she asked anything but she was more pontificating than anything. Let her get on with it because if she wasn't asking questions she didn't want answers. If you volunteer the information she may store it but she won't believe you solely.

Very true!!

[Mimolicious]

I agree that she kind of missed her chance to come out and tell the W everything, but I don't think her response to the W lacked integrity.

 

 

 

She told the woman she doesn't want to be involved (ie. not chasing after her H) and she wished her well.

I don't see how that's so bad.

 

I said that in connection with the thread's subject line BUT... Isn't it a tad bit late for not trying to be involved, though? That's washing her hands. Does that make the fat kid who eats cake less of a glutton, because he washes after stuffing his face? *no pun to fat kids*

Sounds like integrity was bent out a little for convenience here.

 

Let's not get into the degrees of integrity showdown in respect to the OP.

[Pawi]

You know I know in my heart that letting both of them go is my absolute only option. I want to be free of them both, I've left myself with enough of a mess on my end that I need to focus on.

 

*I won't pretend for even a moment that I didn't place myself in her life for three years and that she has a right to say what she wants.*

 

As for what I have? He cheated on me while we were together, I found and removed his access to the email account he had used to do so. I still have sole access to the username and password. It would walk her through another one of his affairs, the fact that he loved the women he was with, it shows how he looked, has his Ashley Madison account emails, his emails back and forth looking for apartments to have his affairs in, and exposes his sexual fetish (and let's not be unfair here mine also).*

 

Part of me wants to share it because she was so self-righteous about having the truth but the bigger part of me knows that I do not have the right. Perhaps if she had asked but as of yet I have not been honest with my spouse and she didn't want answers, she wanted to pontificate.*

 

I'm not about to throw rocks while I'm still living in a glass house.*I've done enough wrong and it is below the level of integrity that I'm trying to posses in the aftermath then to do something that would be interpreted as vindictive. You all are right, she doesn't want to know and it's not my place to tell her.

[TigerCub]

I said that in connection with the thread's subject line BUT... Isn't it a tad bit late for not trying to be involved, though? That's washing her hands. Does that make the fat kid who eats cake less of a glutton, because he washes after stuffing his face? *no pun to fat kids*

Sounds like integrity was bent out a little for convenience here.

 

Let's not get into the degrees of integrity showdown in respect to the OP.

 

I think we're talking about 2 different things..

 

What I was replying to you was with regards to you saying the she didn't reply to the W with integrity - that's all.

 

Now you want to talk about pretty much how the A itself lacks integrity (fine, we all know that).

 

And yes, she is kind of washing her hands now - but its like she's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

Isn't it best for her to leave them alone and "wash her hands" rather than stick around and intrude in their lives?

 

Yes, the damage was done, no one is arguing that, but she's trying to reduce any further damage and treat the BS with integrity now.

 

Just wanted to explain what I meant with my response -

 

back to OP...

[jthorne]

He went in detail about what all his wife does not know and what he doesn't want her to find out. This includes the reason we met, that it was not just a random collision but that he had been looking for an affair for a long time, that we were in love, that we saw one another at least 4 nights a month, thatI was just one of the affairs he has had, etc.

What really astounds me is that you were insulted by his W's correspondence, but you weren't insulted by the above.

 

Regardless, Here's what's worked IME should you need to correspond or speak with her again- tell her you are going to tell her the truth as you know it. Since he lied to her, it's very possible he lied to you, but you are happy to tell her what you know. Some of it may be true, some not. Then, it's up to her to decide where to go from there.

Edited February 10, 2011 by jthorne

[woinlove]

 

And as a side note I am working my plan to tell my husband about my A -openly and honestly, so it is not a fear of repercussions that would keep me from saying anything further.

 

I just wanted to give you support and encouragement on this. Being open and honest with your H is acting with integrity. Good for you for planning to do this.

[Mimolicious]

I think we're talking about 2 different things..

 

What I was replying to you was with regards to you saying the she didn't reply to the W with integrity - that's all.

 

Now you want to talk about pretty much how the A itself lacks integrity (fine, we all know that).

 

And yes, she is kind of washing her hands now - but its like she's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

Isn't it best for her to leave them alone and "wash her hands" rather than stick around and intrude in their lives?

 

Yes, the damage was done, no one is arguing that, but she's trying to reduce any further damage and treat the BS with integrity now.

 

Just wanted to explain what I meant with my response -

 

back to OP...

 

Thank you.

 

Now back to the OP. Then be thankful that you are able to walk away from this MM. Would have been sad to lose it all over a dude that sounds like he has a huge psychological problem. If he's all over Ashley Madison with accounts, the most he can give is some STD. Yuck!

[BB07]

As someone who had several conversations with the BS this is what I think. I think her contact with you was born out of hurt and pain and she wants to feel like she has one upped you and maybe she feels like she DOES have the truth or maybe she suspects that she doesn't. Hard to say. Most infidelity advice tells the BS to NOT contact the OW but some women do with a good result and some don't get the truth because the OW is protecting MM.

 

If I were you this is what I'd do, I'd leave it alone unless she contacts you again and ask for your truth. If she does contact you, I'd answer every question honestly. IMO, that is the best you can do under the circumstances.

 

BTW.......the conversations that the BS and I had were very enlightening for both of us as we both got the truth as to what a POS xmm was.

[pureinheart]

I'll keep my story brief. I had an intense both physical and emotional love affair with a MM for three years. I am myself married so keep that in mind but I won't bring those details to this thread, at least initially.

 

The relationship ended four months ago when his D-day occurred (mine has never happened). We have remained bitterly NC since then. I closed all accounts and despite my feelings for him have done nothing but respect that the end came. I have been working as hard as I can to move on with my life.

 

His wife did not know who I was and he promised to protect me from that to every extent possible. Just this Monday with him out of town she finally unraveled all the pieces and figured out who I was. I understand this, I would have searched also.

 

She sent me a friend request on FB, I initially just messaged her asking who she was, she replied acknowledging that she knew, I then asked her what she wanted and said I would give it to her. Her reply was just evil (I know I deserved the evil, I won't pretend for a moment that I don't, I knew he was married) She was pious and talked endlessly about the truth and how having it has set her free (they are working on their marriage) and that now she has choices and on and on about the incredible power of the truth. She said she wanted nothing further that this correspondence of hers was a 'gift' to me. (Can I post it here or is that a bad idea?)

 

This is a grave misconception that you "deserved" for her to be uncool, evil, whatever...you did not deserve that. You owe her zero.

 

During this time period I did contact xMM, prior to his wife's second response. I needed to know if I needed to immediately tell H everything. We ended up having a two hour conversation about things. He went in detail about what all his wife does not know and what he doesn't want her to find out. This includes the reason we met, that it was not just a random collision but that he had been looking for an affair for a long time, that we were in love, that we saw one another at least 4 nights a month, that I was just one of the affairs he has had, etc. I'm thankful for this conversation - I finally feel like I saw him for who he is - just another person - scared and cowardly, he's not at all the big, strong man I'd thought I new. For the first time I knew without question that I wanted nothing further to ever do with him again.

 

I was insulted by his wife's email and feeling like being somewhat assertive so I sent back a reply. I was calm and apologetic, told her I did not want to be involved in their lives and wished her the best discovering her truth (as it is what she wished for me).

 

Today part of me wishes I had the balls to just tell her that if she really wants the truth since it's just so wonderful that I have it for her and I have proof of it every step along the way. This is a step I will not take because I want to have some sense of both integrity and knowledge that in as much as I do not wish to have my life messed with that she deserves not to have hers messed with but this brings me to my question.

 

As she is obviously still searching for answers and I have them am I right to continue to withhold what I know (likely the knowledge that would keep her in her marriage vs ending it) from her? Is that the path with the greatest virtue? I have no desire to just ruin her life, I've done quite enough but as she came to me and wanted to throw all this 'truth' everywhere should I just give it to her?

 

I'm right to just back away now and let her take her own path - it's not my right to tell her all that I know just because I know it, correct? I just want this A to be completely done. No more contact, no more anything. It's too painful and just pointless. Or does she deserve to know even if xMM won't tell her? (I did tell him yesterday on the phone that in quick succession I would spill everything if I were him)

 

I would not have communication with either of them, there are many parts to this equation of which you are a small part of a very big web...walk and don't look back, leave them to their devices.

 

And as a side note I am working my plan to tell my husband about my A -openly and honestly, so it is not a fear of repercussions that would keep me from saying anything further.

 

It's done and over, move on with your lives and be happy:)

 

I'm not in the business of ruining anyone's life more then I have. I just want to do right by the people I have hurt and need to know that my continued silence is the better path.

 

You know, we do the best we can with what we have at the time...you did good. Many times I have found that things are better left unsaid. This is you and your life ...and there will be many (I haven't read the responses, although I know this board) that say tell all...I don't agree and have been, in the normal world, councelled against telling all, it creates more damage than there needs to be...what is done is done. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[phillyfan]

Dude thats nice u r trying to make amends. Tell her everything, she is in the eye of the storm rite now, its helpin her to know the truth, right now extra facts are like drops of rain after a tsunami hit her, shes already reelin, so tell the whole truth, she deserves it, else its still otha ppl pullin the strings and controllin her destiny - she shud be given the freedom to decide 4 herself...

[fooled once]

I agree that she kind of missed her chance to come out and tell the W everything, but I don't think her response to the W lacked integrity.

 

She told the woman she doesn't want to be involved (ie. not chasing after her H) and she wished her well.

I don't see how that's so bad.

 

 

So is she not chasing the H now that the affair is out in the open to the wife or because she is truly done with him? Had the affair not come to light, would the OP still be having an affair?

 

I think some like to throw around they have integrity; but integrity to me is when asked, answering truthfully. It sounds like the OP is in a snit per say that the wife dared to be unkind to her. Not sure what she expected when the wife found out her husband was cheating. Yes, yes yes, the OP was not married to HER, but she is still married and HER H deserves to know that he has been exposed to STD's and that his wife has been unfaithful When she tells HIM the truth, that is when I will say the OP has integrity.

 

You know I know in my heart that letting both of them go is my absolute only option. I want to be free of them both, I've left myself with enough of a mess on my end that I need to focus on.

 

*I won't pretend for even a moment that I didn't place myself in her life for three years and that she has a right to say what she wants.*

 

As for what I have? He cheated on me while we were together, I found and removed his access to the email account he had used to do so. I still have sole access to the username and password. It would walk her through another one of his affairs, the fact that he loved the women he was with, it shows how he looked, has his Ashley Madison account emails, his emails back and forth looking for apartments to have his affairs in, and exposes his sexual fetish (and let's not be unfair here mine also).*

 

Part of me wants to share it because she was so self-righteous about having the truth but the bigger part of me knows that I do not have the right. Perhaps if she had asked but as of yet I have not been honest with my spouse and she didn't want answers, she wanted to pontificate.*

 

I'm not about to throw rocks while I'm still living in a glass house.*I've done enough wrong and it is below the level of integrity that I'm trying to posses in the aftermath then to do something that would be interpreted as vindictive. You all are right, she doesn't want to know and it's not my place to tell her.

 

How can you say she doesn't want to know? She reached out to you to begin with - she DOES want to know. But of course, she is going on half truths since she is believing the garbage her cheating H is feeding her. Of course she thinks she knows the truth....wouldn't YOU?

 

What really astounds me is that you were insulted by his W's correspondence, but you weren't insulted by the above.

 

Regardless, Here's what's worked IME should you need to correspond or speak with her again- tell her you are going to tell her the truth as you know it. Since he lied to her, it's very possible he lied to you, but you are happy to tell her what you know. Some of it may be true, some not. Then, it's up to her to decide where to go from there.

 

I agree

 

As someone who had several conversations with the BS this is what I think. I think her contact with you was born out of hurt and pain and she wants to feel like she has one upped you and maybe she feels like she DOES have the truth or maybe she suspects that she doesn't. Hard to say. Most infidelity advice tells the BS to NOT contact the OW but some women do with a good result and some don't get the truth because the OW is protecting MM.

 

If I were you this is what I'd do, I'd leave it alone unless she contacts you again and ask for your truth. If she does contact you, I'd answer every question honestly. IMO, that is the best you can do under the circumstances.

 

BTW.......the conversations that the BS and I had were very enlightening for both of us as we both got the truth as to what a POS xmm was.

 

Yep, many OW continue to protect the MM, as the OP did here and then get all defensive when the wife who thinks she knows the truth has an attitude. I just don't understand why OW think they are 'right' in getting an attitude? And stop all this "I have caused enough pain"...yet continue to lie. Tell the truth. GIVE HER the chance to make her OWN decisions based on what you tell her as YOUR truth. She is still being lied to, she is still not having all the pieces and how unfair is that to HER that she is still being put at risk by her cheating H? Wouldn't YOU want to know if YOU were exposed to a possible health risk? Wouldn't YOU want to make up your OWN mind about the situation?

[jj33]

Each person's truth is their own. She has her truth. You have yours. Each truth is doled out by this man you both love.

 

She was evil to you. She is hurt. Let her have her truth as she knows it.

 

What is important for you is for you to move on with your life.

 

Maybe some day this man will find his courage. Maybe he will not Maybe you will not care about him in the same way if and when he does because you have seen his cowardice. Or maybe he is simply another human being. Doing his best in a difficult situation. Many men find it difficult to cut the ties of their marriage or to tell the mother of their children that they do not love them. This does not make him a coward. It makes him a person with weaknesses just like the rest of us.

 

It is important for you to take your truth and hold it close to your heart.

 

IMO, if you can feel compassion for her while holding on to your truth, you wil feel better about the situation.

[Albertan]

Wow! Quite the dilemma....

 

This guy is never going to tell his wife everything, I've met guys like this. They thrive on having double or even triple lives. Women all over the place, the chase, the affair, the secrets. Shi* he probably doesn't know the truth himself half the time......and he lies to everyone, including himself.

 

As for Pawi, having been a BS, I say tell her the truth. I could never fathom myself sometimes why I had to know the details - stuff that hurt me so deeply but the more I knew the more it helped me heal and helped me decided whether I wanted to be married or not. Also, if she has tracked you down, how long before she outs the affair to your husband (for the record, I did this when I called the OM's wife). As you said, you intend to tell you H and you'll have to deal with the fall out but better coming from you ASAP and if you have no respect left for OM then if his wife comes calling again with questions, just respect her terrible position and be as honest as you can be.

My two cents...

[BeachBetty]

Yep, many OW continue to protect the MM, as the OP did here and then get all defensive when the wife who thinks she knows the truth has an attitude.

 

GIVE HER the chance to make her OWN decisions based on what you tell her as YOUR truth. She is still being lied to, she is still not having all the pieces and how unfair is that to HER that she is still being put at risk by her cheating H? Wouldn't YOU want to know if YOU were exposed to a possible health risk? Wouldn't YOU want to make up your OWN mind about the situation?

 

I would protect mine too. Why, because I love him. That's what you do when you love someone.

 

I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't answer questions either. It's up to her to decide if she wants to believe what her H tells her or not.

 

I know that apparently goes against what everyone else is saying here, but that is what I would do. If the W really wants to find out what's going on she can snoop on her own. She can find her own truth.

 

As for acting with integrity, what is integrity? Acting according to your own values. And my values tell me to protect those I love.

 

So just a different view since it's so one-sided. Do whatever makes you feel like you have acted in accordance to your values.

 

Good luck!

[desertIslandCactus]

It seems to me that she is actually searching for the truth, but approached you the wrong way in acting like she already knew the 'truth'.

 

As some others have said: unless she approaches you actually asking you, I would leave it alone.

 

I wish you the best in telling your H and salvaging your M.

[whichwayisup]

As for acting with integrity, what is integrity? Acting according to your own values. And my values tell me to protect those I love.

 

And when a MM throws his OW under the bus to save his own hide? Yet he tells OW he had to minimize affair to save his marriage, to save his wife pain. He isn't doing it out of love for either woman, it's all about saving himself.