IamAScumbag Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 advice. Long story short, I cheated on my fiancee and best friend (we were practically born best friends since our mothers were best friends as well) of five years (in a relationship for) back in the summer when we were having problems. This is the first and only time I cheated on her and it went on for nearly two months until I cut it off. I feel tremendously guilty about this, and I lied to her for so long and it's eating away at me every single day. Now so more than ever. It's destroying me and I know I fully deserve it. She knows something is wrong with me because I'm being self-destructive lately and it all stems from this lie. I never wanted to tell her because I dont want to hurt her, but I feel like I want/have to at this point. I'm afraid of losing her and destroying everything. We're supposed to be getting married in July. And what will my family think? Since both our famlies are very close even before we were born, I'm afraid it's going to cause problems just outside of us. But mostly I'm most worried about her hurting her, and I know this will cut her deeply. I made a stupid mistake, I know and I never did this before, ever. I'm in desperate need of some advice. I never told this to anyone before either so it feels good to let it out. Should I tell her and how? I need advice. And feel free to bash me if youd like. Nothing anyone says to me can me ever be worse than torment I've been unleashing upon myself in the last few months. Thanks for reading if you did.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 advice. Long story short, I cheated on my fiancee and best friend (we were practically born best friends since our mothers were best friends as well) of five years (in a relationship for) back in the summer when we were having problems. This is the first and only time I cheated on her and it went on for nearly two months until I cut it off. I feel tremendously guilty about this, and I lied to her for so long and it's eating away at me every single day. Now so more than ever. It's destroying me and I know I fully deserve it. She knows something is wrong with me because I'm being self-destructive lately and it all stems from this lie. I never wanted to tell her because I dont want to hurt her, but I feel like I want/have to at this point. I'm afraid of losing her and destroying everything. We're supposed to be getting married in July. And what will my family think? Since both our famlies are very close even before we were born, I'm afraid it's going to cause problems just outside of us. But mostly I'm most worried about her hurting her, and I know this will cut her deeply. I made a stupid mistake, I know and I never did this before, ever. I'm in desperate need of some advice. I never told this to anyone before either so it feels good to let it out. Should I tell her and how? I need advice. And feel free to bash me if youd like. Nothing anyone says to me can me ever be worse than torment I've been unleashing upon myself in the last few months. Thanks for reading if you did. You've got to tell her, there's no doubt about that bro....but the bolded text up top in your quote? You've got to cut that out. Yeah you cheated, yeah you lied, etc...but have some respect for yourself.
Author IamAScumbag Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 I can't help it, I feel like I'm the worst person alive. Whenever I see how happy she is with the planning and everything, it just makes me feel worse.
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Tell her if: 1. You think she will find out by herself 2. You will destroy the relationship out of guilt. Otherwise, I would not tell her. You screwed up and feel pain, but that's the way it should be. Why spread that pain around? It's in the past and never to be repeated. Move on.
ginger337 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Tell her immediately. Yes, it will probably destroy her, but you need to do it. She deserves to know. If she has picked up on your odd behavior there is a good chance she has an idea. Sit her down and come clean. Don't worry what your families will think, just worry about yourself and your girl. It's best for both of you. You won't be able to move on with your own life until this is lifted from your shoulders. People make mistakes. Forgive yourself.
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Tell her immediately. Yes, it will probably destroy her, but you need to do it. She deserves to know. If she has picked up on your odd behavior there is a good chance she has an idea. Sit her down and come clean. Don't worry what your families will think, just worry about yourself and your girl. It's best for both of you. You won't be able to move on with your own life until this is lifted from your shoulders. People make mistakes. Forgive yourself. And he should destroy the woman he loves? What the hell kind of sense does that make?? For what possible reason? So he can feel better? Sorry. He should not tell. At the very least, put himself in her shoes and try to see it from her point of view. Is she the kind of girl that would want to know? Some do. Personally, I would not. It's over - there isn't anything left to say. LET IT GO.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I rather know I'm going to marry a cheater than to find out I got cheated on 20 years down the road. Really, your marriage would be build on a lie just to protect your own a-s.
Akumark Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I have to side with Jazzari here. You feel and regret that what you did was bad fo your couple. Now what? The question is can you live with yourself having done that, if the answer is yes, then don't tell her, work on yourself and give her the good boyfriend she deserve to have. If the answer is no, you just can't, then tell her and live with the consequences. I'm not convince at all that taking the chance of destroying all you have build together worth telling that you cheated. WORK ON YOURSELF, build some self respect for the sake of your couple.
Rxwoman Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Stop beating yourself up, to start with. You're not married yet. People make mistakes. All you can do is learn from it, and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. That's what mistakes are for. Now, as far as telling her. I think it depends. Is she mature, is she secure, and is she grounded? Or, is she insecure, and very jealous? Does she constantly worry that you are looking elsewhere, and that you find other woman more attractive? If she's the insecure type, who needs constant reassurance that you are not cheating, and that you love her, I'd say do NOT tell her. You will hurt her, you will add to her insecuritys, and you're really only telling her to make YOU feel better. You want her to tell you it's all OK, and that your not a scum bag. Your not a scum bag, your'e human. A real scum bag would feel no guilt about this, and do it again if he could. Remember this eating guilt, burn it into your brain, and save it for AFTER you are married, so that you DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN. Consider it a life lesson. You can't change what happened, and telling her will only put your pain onto her. If it continues to eat at you to the point where it is interfering with your relationship, go see someone professional who can do a better job of advising you.
Rxwoman Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 One other thing that occurs to me. Is it POSSIBLE, that your self destructive behaviors, and urge to tell her that you cheated, is really coming from a fear of getting married? How old are you? I'm guessing early twentys. So if you've been going with this gal for 5 years, she's really the only girlfriend you've had. Is it at all possible that you WANT her to think of you as a scumbag, so she'll break up with you? It's just a thought. You need to sort this out BEFORE you get married. Go see someone who specializes in helping folks sort out their feelings, and motives.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I would want to know if I was about to marry a cheater, even if it hurt me. That's just me though. OP, do you think she could forgive you for this? Or do you think she will break up with you? I personally don't think your motivation for not telling her is to prevent hurting her, you did that the moment you decided to cheat on her. Sorry to say, but I think you are scared that she will break off the wedding. That may be a possibility, but I'd say that you would deserve that consequence if it happens. What happens if you hit a rough patch during your marriage? What would you do then? Have an affair? It does sound like you feel very guilty and remorseful, and I doubt you would probably do it again remembering this guilt that you feel. But I think she deserves to know who she is marrying.
Rxwoman Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Laurabelle, I think your'e being too hard on OP. He doesn't "deserve" the consequences, as if they are a punishment. Haven't you ever messed up royally? THEY WEREN'T MARRIED. Yes it's still technically cheating, and it would still hurt, but it's not quite the same as cheating when married, in my opinion. In five years of steady dating, he cheated once during a rough patch. And he's eaten up with guilt. I think he's learned a painfull life lesson. It's better he learns NOW than AFTER being married. I'm not excusing it, I'm not defending it, but what good will come of telling her? Move on. If you truly want to get married, then do so, and now that you are aware of how awfull it feels, commit to never cheating EVER, EVER again.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Laurabelle, I think your'e being too hard on OP. He doesn't "deserve" the consequences, as if they are a punishment. Haven't you ever messed up royally? THEY WEREN'T MARRIED. Yes it's still technically cheating, and it would still hurt, but it's not quite the same as cheating when married, in my opinion. In five years of steady dating, he cheated once during a rough patch. And he's eaten up with guilt. I think he's learned a painfull life lesson. It's better he learns NOW than AFTER being married. I'm not excusing it, I'm not defending it, but what good will come of telling her? Move on. If you truly want to get married, then do so, and now that you are aware of how awfull it feels, commit to never cheating EVER, EVER again. I have no tolerance whatsoever about cheating so maybe that's why I am being so hard on him. Cheating is the same IMO whether you dating, engaged, or married. It's still a betrayal of trust and very disrespectful to your partner. I guess I would just want to know if I was about to marry someone like that.
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 If she cheated on you, reverse the situation. You two were having problems and she cheated on you, and was feeling the way you are now.. Would you want to know? Or would you rather find out one day long into the future? What if that girl tells her? OR a friend of that girl..Never say never.. Also, did you get checked for STD's? It would be awful if she has something and finds out the truth that way. Your fiance needs to have a STD test done too, for her own sexual health. I can see why you don't want to tell, you have so much to lose. It's just a shame you didn't think about all that stuff during your 2 month affair with another woman. You owe her the truth so she can decide if she wants to give you a chance, or break up with you.
sweetjasmine Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I can see why you don't want to tell, you have so much to lose. It's just a shame you didn't think about all that stuff during your 2 month affair with another woman. Yup. The betrayal already happened. What we're all discussing now is damage control. It's not the act of telling that will hurt her - it's the act of pursuing an affair with another person for 2 months that's the problem. You owe her the truth so she can decide if she wants to give you a chance, or break up with you. Not telling her and getting married without her knowing the truth would be a second betrayal.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 welikeincrowds ??? My quote but different name..
Rxwoman Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I dont agree. It WAS a betrayal. But NOT the same as when married!! Another question. If you two were having problems, and that was when you cheated, why did you not tell her when you got back together?? Why did you wait until now? How long ago was this "affair"? If it was recent, like within the year, maybe you could tell her and just say, " before we get married, there's something I need to tell you. So there won't be any lies between us." If it happened years ago, and you've been going along all this time without telling her, why bring it up now? You realize it's going to hurt, and it still wont change anything. If it was me, and I wasnt asking, and if happened years ago, BEFORE marriage, I WOULDNT WANT TO KNOW. As it turns out, a similar thing did happen to me. Years ago when I was dating my exhusband, I found out I was pregnant. He said, " well, lets just get married." Then he said, " but first I have to tell you something. I cheated." I assumed it happened the summer we were fighting, and I was disapointed, but not surprised and not devastated. So I said, " Oh, I kind of thought maybe something like that happened. When was it..last summer?" And he said, " uh, no...Thursday."
Imajerk17 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) And he should destroy the woman he loves? What the hell kind of sense does that make?? For what possible reason? So he can feel better? Sorry. He should not tell. At the very least, put himself in her shoes and try to see it from her point of view. Is she the kind of girl that would want to know? Some do. Personally, I would not. It's over - there isn't anything left to say. LET IT GO. I agree with Jazzari. I can't see anything good coming from telling her. And if she finds out later... If she finds out 10 years from now it's much less of a big deal. Edited February 12, 2011 by Imajerk17
Lilmisus Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Should you tell her? Yes, definitely. Some people seem to think that the past is the past, let it go, but that's not necessarily true. Until you get it out there, and let her know the truth of your cheating on her, then it will become the past. Right now though, it's killing you alive, and it's probably killing your relationship already. You don't need to tell her about it in order for it to completely destroy your relationship with her. Plus, you never know, the person you cheated on her with could come clean any minute now (especially since the wedding keeps getting closer and closer), some girls are like that. She may have thought that you'd chose her over your fiancee, and since she didn't she may seek revenge or even try to warn your fiancee out of the "goodness in her heart" because she feels bad about it. So you have to ask yourself: How will things be if I tell her or if someone else tells her? But! There are ways to keep the relationship going (even if it hits the breaks for a while) after telling her. Most likely, it wont happen, but you have to stay optimistic right now, and not just kill yourself over past mistakes. When you tell her, take full responsibility, and tell her that if you could do it over again, you wouldn't, and you'd stay as true to her as you swear to be for the rest of your life. Maybe seek counseling (either for just yourself, or for couples counseling). Give her the space she needs, but remind her that you love her and you regret this more than anything else you could have done in your life, and more than she could ever imagine. And might I suggest going to my favorite advice columnist Wendy @ dearwendy.com. She has approached the topic of cheating, and her advice is the best out of anyone's I've ever heard or read. She may not answer your letter (right away, if at all), but I think it's best to give it a try. Good luck, and stop killing yourself over this. Everyone makes mistakes, it's just what you do after you make those mistakes that really matters.
carhill Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Should I tell her and how? Since you're engaged to be married and admit to 'having problems' with your now fiance (was she your fiance when you had 'problems' last summer?) and cheated (how, PA or EA or both?), I'd suggest, at minimum, whether you choose to disclose or not, to get PMC before getting married. A solid two months of weekly sessions should bring to light important issues relevant to both your relationship and your decision process wrt this infidelity. IMO, it's better to end an engagement then to enter an unhealthy marriage, even if, superficially, it seems 'fine'. I hope you find your path. Welcome to LS
Lauriebell82 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Wow, I can't believe some of these responses. Not because of the OP, but because of his fiance. You think she REALLY deserves to marry a lying cheater? She hasn't done anything wrong. I could see MAYBE if he cheated one time, but this went on for two months. That's not a "mistake." If it was the OP wouldn't have let it go on that long. I think he doesn't want to tell her because he thinks that she will break up with him. Maybe if she did break up with him, he would think twice about cheating during his next relationship. If he is just basically "let off the hook" and they get married, then he won't really think cheating is that big of a deal because he could just get away with it.
sweetjasmine Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 ??? My quote but different name.. I meant to copy/paste your name, but didn't notice that I hadn't cleared my clipboard from copy/pasting in another thread. Sorry. I think he doesn't want to tell her because he thinks that she will break up with him. Yep. He doesn't want to face the pain it would cause her. But that pain would be caused by him betraying her - which he already did. It's unfair and unhealthy to keep it from his partner and it's ultimately a selfish decision. The cheater doesn't want to see the damage his own actions have caused. And if his intent is to hold the relationship together, this isn't the way to do it. If they were having problems bad enough for him to step out on her for 2 months and then cover it up, they're already both entering into a shaky marriage. If they're going to do that, she should at least know she's stepping onto a sinking boat instead of one that's just slightly leaky. What's the point of getting married knowing that your partner is going into it without full knowledge of who you are and what you've done? As for "it won't hurt as much 10 years from now," it depends on the person. If I found out 10 years down the road that my husband cheated on me before we were married but kept his mouth shut because he didn't want me to leave him, I'd feel doubly betrayed and I'd be furious that he would take away my ability to make an informed choice. I would be disgusted that he essentially tricked me into marrying him and continued to lie to my face for 10 years.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 As for "it won't hurt as much 10 years from now," it depends on the person. If I found out 10 years down the road that my husband cheated on me before we were married but kept his mouth shut because he didn't want me to leave him, I'd feel doubly betrayed and I'd be furious that he would take away my ability to make an informed choice. I would be disgusted that he essentially tricked me into marrying him and continued to lie to my face for 10 years. Yeah, I think what people REALLY mean by "it won't hurt as much 10 years from now" is that she may be LESS LIKELY to leave him because they will probably have kids, a house, a dog, combined finances, ect. Right now she has nothing to lose by dumping him, 10 years from now she'll have everything to lose. Like you said, he would be tricking her into marrying him and then manipulating her by keeping the secret until the point where she would be least likely to leave him.
Hopeful30 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I was ready to understand until you said you let it carry on for 2 months. If you feel so guilty about it, why did you let it continue on for so on? And why did you cheat? Are you sexually unsatisfied? You're gonna need to be able to explain to her WHY you did it. Of course tell her, but you will be getting your engagement ring back. I hope you guys didn't set a date.
Anela Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 And if she finds out later... If she finds out 10 years from now it's much less of a big deal. I doubt that. He needs to tell her before they get married.
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