Boom Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Me and my ex girlfriend have been broken up for a little over 1 month now. We were together for many years and were best friends so we still talk here and there at this point. I made the mistake and did the whole trying to win her back for the first few weeks, but realized it was only hurting me so I stopped. She is seeing another guy now. She has moved on faster than I have. I don't know if it is a rebound thing or what, but what I don't understand is the way she talks sometimes. One day she is cold and distant and the next day we mess around with each other and have fun. It is all good and i am not planning to plead for her to come back. I still want to be with her one day, we were close to moving in with each other and starting a life. Should I make as little contact as possible? I enjoy talking to her, but sometimes it feels odd, if she has a new guy and is so happy why even bother going out of her way to talk to me. She is a good person and never was the type to flirt with other guys at all. Her new relationship just started and she is of course in that honeymoon stage and he could do no wrong. I tell her I am happy for her and there is no trouble between us but it is really confusing. It is obvious she likes talking to me still, but I am wondering if I should make myself unavailable to talk and give her a chance to actually miss me, if she even does. It was mainly my fault why we broke up, I wasn't putting the same into the relationship that she was and I see that now. She had told me that a lot towards the end and I didn't change. To little to late. I am living my own life and working on myself, but have been thinking about this for a few days.
Movingthrough Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 if she has a new guy and is so happy why even bother going out of her way to talk to me This has been my issue for months and after my breakup, actually talked to my therapist a few days ago about this. My exact words were "Why would she care about me, or to contact me, if she is so in love with this other guy?". Its actually a simple concept...shes not so in love with the other guy. Honeymoon phase is all well and good but it does not mean they are perfect. My theory on honeymoon phase is this, if it is over the top and very very abnormal (constant picture, facebook showing the world, love love love) that to me screams insecurity. The more intense the honeymoon phase is the more it lacks the real connection, just my theory. Here is a quick recap of my situation so you know that i have been through it, after we broke we didnt talk basically for months. I did the whole email after email the first few days after the breakup but nothing came from it. She started acting weird, i called her out on seeing someone, she said no then i found out she was and cut it off. I came back into town after being gone for a while and she started having feelings again but she was with someone else. So every day was a message saying how much she missed me yet was with someone else. So basically one day she tells me that its almost like a gamble getting with me because of our past....i ended it again didnt talk for months. She still to this day contacts me every once and a while, lately she has tried to open the door again and i have heard she checks me out on facebook. Point is, like you, i say why the hell do you care about me if you are with someone else? Two things, first she really isnt over you fully yet, doesnt mean it will work out but to move on so fast means you didnt deal with your break up properly (like we are all trying to do). Second, she has something good, a guy (you) she can vent to and feel good with, and a guy she can be with. No offense to woman, but they are emotion and attention based, she has both of them covered now. Your issue is you are saying you are happy for her, and communicating, when in reality you are not ok with it, thats why you posted here. I dont really believe in the whole NC to "show" them you are this or that, you do NC to get YOUR OWN head straight and figure things out. To me, time, days whatever doesnt mean anything. If one week of NC works then boom there you go. Since you seem to be a mature guy that wants the best overall, i would basically let her know in a mature way that you cant do this and you dont look at her like a friend. Then take the time to get your head straight. While i think anything can happen in the future with ex's, the stage you are at you need to cut the cord.
JasonRules Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I think you are being naive in thinking that "she just met him". Women don't "just meet someone" immediately after they dissolve the relationship. Most likely, what happened is that she met him while you two were together, suffered from the GIGS syndrome. You've made a couple mistakes though. 1. It's okay to fight for the relationship during the breakup itself to show you care, but once the last conversation is over with then you have to stop having any contact with her. 2. The fact that you are chasing her after she broke up with you will be interpreted by her that you are a weak and needy man. This is what you should do: 1. Cease all contact with her immediately. 2. Sign up or hit the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY 3. Call your buddies up and go out with them 4. Do not sit at home alone because you inevitably start thinking about things Next time she contacts you text her back the following message: "Hey. I got your text messages. I'm doing ok, thanks. I don't think it's appropriate for us to talk anymore since you have a boyfriend. Good luck with everything. Bye..." And that's it. Just leave it at that. Don't text her about anything. If you were a good guy she will come back to you, but then again why would you want a woman who dumped you for another guy anyway? If you accept being someone's spare tire, then by all means you should get back together.
gator12 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I think you are being naive in thinking that "she just met him". Women don't "just meet someone" immediately after they dissolve the relationship. Most likely, what happened is that she met him while you two were together, suffered from the GIGS syndrome. You've made a couple mistakes though. 1. It's okay to fight for the relationship during the breakup itself to show you care, but once the last conversation is over with then you have to stop having any contact with her. 2. The fact that you are chasing her after she broke up with you will be interpreted by her that you are a weak and needy man. This is what you should do: 1. Cease all contact with her immediately. 2. Sign up or hit the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY 3. Call your buddies up and go out with them 4. Do not sit at home alone because you inevitably start thinking about things Next time she contacts you text her back the following message: "Hey. I got your text messages. I'm doing ok, thanks. I don't think it's appropriate for us to talk anymore since you have a boyfriend. Good luck with everything. Bye..." And that's it. Just leave it at that. Don't text her about anything. If you were a good guy she will come back to you, but then again why would you want a woman who dumped you for another guy anyway? If you accept being someone's spare tire, then by all means you should get back together. Agreed^ NC is the only way to go, you need to show her youwill not be backburnered. This current relationship of hers is not going to work simply because she got into it way too soon after a serious break up and had no time to heal, the honeymoon phase will wear off. Distance yourself as far from her as you can, follow jason's advice on things to do while in NC. Oooo and when she contacts you again, and she will contact you again. DO NOT REPLY TO ANYTHING SHE SAYS. No matter what it is, unless it explicitly says "I want you back." there is not reason to respond unless you're okay with being friends. Right now go into NC and heal, get your head on straight. Don't lose anymore of your dignity and let the rebound run its course. -Gator
Recommended Posts