Coworker affair

[Terrier]

My WH had an affair with his bosses secretary. Two years later I am still having trouble with the fact that he sees her almost every day, emails thirty times a month plus phone calls. All business, but it kills me. Will this ever get better?

[What_Next]

No it won't. If you need all contact with her to be terminated in order to recover, then tell him.

[Terrier]

Unfortunately my WH would have to leave his company to avoid contact. She is the gatekeeper for his bosses calendar and contacts hims constantly about meetings, travel arrangements.

 

Sometimes the e-mails get flirty, but most are innocent. Some days I spend the whole day wondering if he is talking to her, having lunch with her..... She also occasionally attends out of town conferences that my WH is also at.

 

As everyone knows, good jobs are scarce right now. I have begged him to change jobs, but he refuses to even consider leaving, since he is afraid he would be fired if they knew he was even thinking about applying elsewhere.

[TaraMaiden]

Ever heard the phrase "Having your cake and eating it"...?

he is sooo disrespecting you!

 

I think you need to lay down a nice little ultimatum.

Either he finds a way of cutting off all contact from her, period, or you want a divorce.

 

 

(The big problem with ultimatums, of course, is that you have to suit the actions to the words. )

 

Have you guys been to counselling?

Have you discussed this?

Have you managed to lay down any expectations form him that he has adhered to?

Because it sounds as if he's getting away with an awful lot, big time, and you're bearing the brunt of his total ignorance.

 

He sounds like a jerk.

[Terrier]

Last weekend we were sitting in my mom's living room with my daughter (22yo) and mom.

 

We were talking about getting older and he said, "I used to go out with a woman who was much younger than me. When we went to restaurants the staff used to think she was my daughter".

 

I immediately knew that this was a young woman who used to work for him, but so far as I know he never had an affair with. He had told me the same story before, but in the older version he was "traveling with Stacey on business, and they went to dinner together...

 

I was stunned that he would say this in front of my mom and our daughter.

 

He says he was just joking, and I should stop being so sensitive.

 

This is the kind of comment that reverberates in my head for weeks afterwards and keeps me from healing. But still, its just a few words.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, I'm sorry to do this to you, but let's get a bit harsh here.

 

Forget what he's doing.

What are you doing about it?

 

Sounds to me as if you're enabling him by feebly objecting and letting him walk all over you by his trying to convince you that you're too sensitive.

The word 'doormat' is flitting round my head here.....

 

So - what do you think you should do about this?

 

More's the point, how far are you willing to go?

[kuma]

Because it sounds as if he's getting away with an awful lot, big time, and you're bearing the brunt of his total ignorance.

 

He sounds like a jerk.

 

Ditto.

 

OP, I'm sorry for your pain. He doesn't sound like someone remorseful of what he did. Did he face the consequences of his affair?

[Terrier]

TaraMaiden, thanks for your direct feedback, I think you're quite right. Everything points in the same direction. I just keep hoping that there is some way to fix this thing.

 

I am taking a paralegal training class starting in a couple of weeks. I went to law school back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and I am trying to get back into the working world.

 

I have been out of the workforce all these years because we have a daughter with Aspergers Syndrome and she has soooo many issues to deal with that every time I though I was ready to go back to work, some disaster would strike.

 

Kuma, I am not sure what you mean by "facing the consequences". He says he's sorry, but he refuses to discuss what lead to our relationship being so poor. He doesn't want to discuss the "past".

 

He has told me he would go to counseling three different times now, but has weaseled out of the first two. I am wondering what the point is, if he has no interest in change.

 

Sad story. The only good side is that he does such ridiculous stuff that it makes a good story

[Terrier]

What would be appropriate consequences for him sending a flirty e-mail to the OW?

 

I can't threaten divorce every week, but that is about the only thing that gets his attention.

[Terrier]

It's a hard go sometimes with the AS stuff, isn't it?

 

It looks like mine is going to graduate college next December (yeah!).Then we have to figure out some work for her.

 

She's a great girl, though, and I've learned a lot from her.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

How old is yours?

[whichwayisup]

My WH had an affair with his bosses secretary. Two years later I am still having trouble with the fact that he sees her almost every day, emails thirty times a month plus phone calls. All business, but it kills me. Will this ever get better?

 

Your H needs to quit his job.

 

It seems since they are still in contact so much, emailing etc, are you sure the A is over? How do you know it's all business?

 

Have you two done marriage counselling?

[kuma]

Kuma, I am not sure what you mean by "facing the consequences". He says he's sorry, but he refuses to discuss what lead to our relationship being so poor. He doesn't want to discuss the "past".

 

He has told me he would go to counseling three different times now, but has weaseled out of the first two. I am wondering what the point is, if he has no interest in change.

 

I asked because he needs to face the consequences of his actions. He can't forget about his affair and pretend everything is okay. And don't listen to his words, look at his actions.

[TaraMaiden]

What would be appropriate consequences for him sending a flirty e-mail to the OW?

 

I can't threaten divorce every week, but that is about the only thing that gets his attention.

 

Big problem with threatening divorce every week, is that after a while, it's like white noise to him.

Same old same-old.

It's soon going to be as threatening to his ear as telling a kid that unless he behaves, Santa Claus won't leave him any presents.

 

As if....

Appropriate consequences?

Don't let him in the house and tell him to book into a Motel for a few days, because frankly, right now, you don't feel like spending any time under the same roof with him.

 

And when you let him back in, tell him you want to go to counselling, you want him to find any way he can to completely sever contact with the woman, and you want him to commit to you and regain your trust, otherwise, this will mean separation, divorce and child support - and please don't think it's an empty threat, because you know it can be done, and you know how to do it.

 

 

....Would be my take.

 

And yes, I really do know and understand it's easy for me to write, and the devil's own job for you to do.

Truly, trust me, I really do.

[GreenX]

Unfortunately my WH would have to leave his company to avoid contact. She is the gatekeeper for his bosses calendar and contacts hims constantly about meetings, travel arrangements.

 

Sometimes the e-mails get flirty, but most are innocent. Some days I spend the whole day wondering if he is talking to her, having lunch with her..... She also occasionally attends out of town conferences that my WH is also at.

 

As everyone knows, good jobs are scarce right now. I have begged him to change jobs, but he refuses to even consider leaving, since he is afraid he would be fired if they knew he was even thinking about applying elsewhere.

 

Terrier, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You have a lot on your plate with your H and your daughters special needs. The bolded part above strikes me as "what an ass.." - for him to even refuse to look for another job just shows that he isn't taking your thoughts into consideration whatsoever. Yes, the jobs are scarce but that doesn't mean that they are not there.. There are other jobs out there he just needs to open his eyes and LOOK instead of sitting on his thumbs.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do. I know if my SO did what yours did and was around her every single (working) day, sharing correspondence with or without flirting it'd irk me to no end. How does he expect you to recover his infidelity when he is still in contact with her?

 

It doesn't seem at all he is remorseful. He sounds like his ego is shoved way up somewhere it shouldn't be. He needs to realize his priorities and work on those. He keeps putting counseling off because he knows it'd just paint him as the bad guy and he doesn't want to face the music. If he did care he'd of been to counseling with AND without you from d-day.

 

If I were you I would let him know one last time that he needs to: 1) get into IC, 2) get into MC, 3) start looking for other work ASAP and to not stop until he finds it. You can only control so much while he is at home so it's hard to say "you can't e-mail so-and-so any longer" - once stating he needs to do these things, if he refuses, tell him to pack his things and go. Let him know that he is not to return until the above has been done.

 

I don't know.. that's just my take. I wish you the best of luck.

Edited February 10, 2011 by GreenX
typo..

[Terrier]

So much good advice!

 

FWIW I have talked to three different marriage counselors, (not to mention my IC who I have been seeing for eight years now) and they are unanimous that this marriage cannot be saved.

 

I am currently struggling to get him to make a two minute phone call to a MC that I think has the best chance of getting through to him. He says he'll do it Monday. Sure.

 

Still I persist.

 

My spouse has a personality disorder, which is notoriously hard to treat since the person doesn't perceive that he/she has a problem.

 

I have devoted 26 years of my life to furthering his career and raising our daughters (alone most of the time). It's very hard to give up.

[2sunny]

So much good advice!

 

FWIW I have talked to three different marriage counselors, (not to mention my IC who I have been seeing for eight years now) and they are unanimous that this marriage cannot be saved.

 

I am currently struggling to get him to make a two minute phone call to a MC that I think has the best chance of getting through to him. He says he'll do it Monday. Sure.

 

Still I persist.

 

My spouse has a personality disorder, which is notoriously hard to treat since the person doesn't perceive that he/she has a problem.

 

I have devoted 26 years of my life to furthering his career and raising our daughters (alone most of the time). It's very hard to give up.

 

 

since he's not DOING anything to repair the damage HE has caused... he's being perfectly clear with his actions that he just wants to keep on the way things are and have you be quiet. that's not enough.

 

it's not hard to give it up. you are essentially giving up a ball and chain that has been dragging you down for a long time.

 

i know from experience = and life can get better if you start making decisions that are in YOUR best interest. decisions based on a solid boundary of decency.

 

for me? the was no remorse or repairing. 23 years. i changed the locks, moved money and told him not to come home! his constant betrayal and pretending was done. i was no longer going to be a part of his evil equation. freedom has come at last! there is a bright spot on the other side of this scenario... i can tell you from experience. it may SEEM hard to give it all up now... but hey, he will have to pay support since you haven't worked... assets get divided, and you get a chance at peace of mind and what happy looks like for you. start living.

 

you are not at the mercy of him - only if YOU allow it to be that way.

Edited February 10, 2011 by 2sunny

[TaraMaiden]

I have devoted 26 years of my life to furthering his career and raising our daughters (alone most of the time). It's very hard to give up.

 

This is too much of a coincidence to even call 'spooky'.....

 

So did I.

Best decision I ever made.

 

I have to say, my situation was completely different to yours, there's no comparison, and to my mind, you've had to tolerate far worse than I did.

My situation was a breeze in comparison to what you're going through.

 

Which is why I'm even more sure you need to end this, as soon as you can.

 

It's only the first step that's hard.

The rest will follow.

That's not to say you won't experience difficulties in the future. But by coming and venting in this thread, and seeking support and a shoulder to lean on, you will come through it..

Better, stronger and in great shape.

[PhoenixRise]

Terrier

 

The thing you can do to make your marriage better is get over your fear of leaving the marriage.

 

I know it sounds counterintuitive. I know it is easier said than done.

 

AND frankly, it may not even be possible for the marriage to get any better since your husband doesn't believe he has a problem and it seems that he is very accustomed to walking all over you.

 

But as long as you are willing to stay and take whatever he dishes out he has no real incentive to change. Your tears and your hurt feelings have not been enough get him invested in improving the marriage. Your attempts to get him to go to MC have resulted in him paying lip service to the idea then weaseling out of it.

 

How much are you willing to take?

 

How long are you willing to keep trying while he gives no effort?

[2sunny]

Terrier

 

The thing you can do to make your marriage better is get over your fear of leaving the marriage.

 

I know it sounds counterintuitive. I know it is easier said than done.

 

AND frankly, it may not even be possible for the marriage to get any better since your husband doesn't believe he has a problem and it seems that he is very accustomed to walking all over you.

 

But as long as you are willing to stay and take whatever he dishes out he has no real incentive to change. Your tears and your hurt feelings have not been enough get him invested in improving the marriage. Your attempts to get him to go to MC have resulted in him paying lip service to the idea then weaseling out of it.

 

How much are you willing to take?

 

How long are you willing to keep trying while he gives no effort?

 

great post PR!

[Terrier]

It's amazing how you all seem to understand exactly where I stand, without knowing me.

 

It is a testament to the hard work you have done to get insight into yourselves and your SO's. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and hard earned wisdom.

[2sunny]

It's amazing how you all seem to understand exactly where I stand, without knowing me.

 

It is a testament to the hard work you have done to get insight into yourselves and your SO's. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and hard earned wisdom.

 

so what have YOU decided to do? your input is helpful...

[Terrier]

Like my little dog Emma I grab hold of something and don't let go.

 

I am not giving up (yet).

 

I have given him six months to go into intensive therapy and try to understand why is behavior is so wrong.

 

I am deadly serious and I think he knows that.

 

I believe that there is a life beyond him, and your encouragement helps me have the courage to believe that I can make it on my own.

 

 

My new mantra is 'don't be a doormat'.

 

I plan to persistently hold him to the things he has agreed to. And I am looking for more than just changed behavior, I need to see new understanding.

 

I know a lot of you will think this is a pointless exercise, but I have set my course for the next six months, the trick is to be consistent and firm.

 

Wish me luck!

[TaraMaiden]

Always ask yourself in situations where he seems to make demands upon you:

 

"Am I doing this out of co-operation, or mis-placed obligation?

Am I doing this because I want to - or because he wants me to?"

 

Tell him he really has to take this right up to the wire, because he has to show you in everything he says and does, that he's doing it because you're worth it to him.

And never forget the ageless and incredibly accurate adage -

 

"Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

 

He's better walk the talk.

Otherwise, it will just be the walk.

[Woman In Blue]

Quite honestly, it doesn't sound like he's stopped the affair. Most don't when they're caught - they just become more careful about keeping it a secret and go deeper underground.

 

He has zero remorse for what he's done, and a real sense of self-entitlement to go right along with that lack of remorse.

 

He doesn't want to quit his job because he likes being around his OW. His lame excuse that he'll be fired if they even THINK he's job hunting is a crock of cow sh*t.

 

You can make him go to IC and MC all you want (and quite honestly, you can't even get him to do THAT), but it's wasted money, time and effort because the guy's still having an affair.

 

And yes, I'd bet my right arm on it.

[Terrier]

I am in a holding pattern for the next six months. I am taking the paralegal course so I can get a job. Then I have to decide whether to look for a job near where he lives or near my family. Till then, I don't have to make any permanent decisions.

 

I am changing, I have told him that he has to change and that our marriage is hanging by a thread. He MUST change.

 

Can he, will he, and will I want him even if he does? I can't say. I do know that getting a decent job will be an enormous boost to my self esteem and I will make better decisions when that happens.

 

I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life checking his phone log and emails and trying to guess what he is doing when he travels and at the office. If we can't get past that I will have to move on.