rbitrage Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Hi, this is my first post.. I'm not sure where to begin or how to describe exactly what I going through, but essentially it's a standard breakup story. I was with my gf for over 2 years. In that time she was sent overseas for work for a few months in the first year and then i went overseas for a couple of months last year for work. That is one aspect of the problem. The other aspect is that I lost a good chunk of my family at a young age and have trouble getting close to people because of fear of loss/abandonment (family members passed away). Now she knew all this but essentially what it did was make me pull back everytime we got close, and it was so sub-concious i didn't even see it happening. So on top of the regular anxiety i got when we got closer and closer, or her asking me to join her and her family for functions etc, the time apart wasn't taken well by either of us. For me it was tough both from the standpoint of the distance apart in each instance, but also how i took it inside. My reaction was to shut down for the most part, and try to not get myself in a vulnerable place. We semi-brokeup a couple of times on my 'detached' demeanor. Semi because it was more of a let's take it to casual while I was trying to sort out my feelings (with a therapist). Anyways, while i was overseas in nov-dec, i grew really distance in our communication and didn't even express that i missed her and loved her, and at one point she said we need to take a break while she thinks over things, and then I got back and have been trying to re-establish things for the last month and half, until two days ago, when she broke up with me (proper breakup this time, with no contact etc). Needless to say I am floored. I am floored for the obvious reasons because i miss her and love her, but i would say i'm particularly floored because I have only through this traumatic event finally gotten in touch with how much she means to me. I would describe it as similar to a drunk who shuns all advice to get help until one event, either an intervention or some rock bottom event causes him to 'wake up' and seek change. I realise now that my fears were driving me away from the best relationship i ever had. I had a loving, and i mean truly loving spirit next to me who gave of herself and operated on faith that behind and beyond an individual that built all these walls was a person who could and wanted love. I made so many mistakes, put in so much less effort than i should have and pulled away so much that it eventually did the damage. Anyways, that's the gist of it. I know full well that I made a lot of mistakes. I also have no illusion that hiding behind self-pity of what made me this way solves anything. And yes I need to give her her space now and repair my own damage and guilt somehow. The question is, my heart believes she is the one, and she wanted nothing more than for us to go in that direction until i pushed her away, and now she's convinced the opposite is true. Without being pathetic about it, i just want her back and if it possible and if it will take time, I don't really care. Problem is she has a belief about when something is over it's really over and one shouldn't tamper with re-considering such things. Her previous experience validates that belief, and I'm just wondering how much that makes getting her back more difficult. Plus we are both at a stage where we want to settle down (over 30) so it's not like we have the luxury of re-visiting or lingering this recovery, if there is to be one, to a year or two years from now. Lost...
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