snug.bunny Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Is it wise to discuss controversial topics when you first start dating someone? Ultimately, controversial topics and subsequent discussions can reveal better insight into someone's personality. So, would it be better for people to bring up certain "don't ask, don't tell" questions/topics early on in order to weed out potential mates?
Titania22 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I have learnt not to bring up controversial topics on first dates, but if the other person brings them up, well they have brought it upon themselves. They will be challenged. As I generally tend to see the world differently from everyone else, to me it is about acceptance. I can let someone believe and think what they want without judgement, so long as they don't try to make me agree with them. A great man would be a man, who would give me the same respect.
Author snug.bunny Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 I have learnt not to bring up controversial topics on first dates, but if the other person brings them up, well they have brought it upon themselves. They will be challenged. As I generally tend to see the world differently from everyone else, to me it is about acceptance. I can let someone believe and think what they want without judgement, so long as they don't try to make me agree with them. A great man would be a man, who would give me the same respect. Well what if it were issues that were detrimental to your overall compatibility? For instance, if you were pro-choice and your date is not pro-choice. Or, if one of you was big on recycling (an environmentalist)? Not placing judgment is one thing, but if differences cause opposition to where it could ultimately cause friction down the road, would it be better to know sooner rather than later?
Titania22 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Well what if it were issues that were detrimental to your overall compatibility? For instance, if you were pro-choice and your date is not pro-choice. Or, if one of you was big on recycling (an environmentalist)? Not placing judgment is one thing, but if differences cause opposition to where it could ultimately cause friction down the road, would it be better to know sooner rather than later? I get what you mean, but I also see how people rub off on each other. The guy I was seeing and are now friends with is a big environmentalist (recycling etc), and I wasn't fussed, but as a result of interracting with him, I now turn off my computer every evening and when I go out, and am more conscious about that, but I was really resistent when he 1st brought it up. Had we bumped heads about it when we first met, we might have missed the chance of the friendship we have now, and I would have missed the opportunity to make changes that might have a positive effect on my next electricity bill. The way I see it, people that come into our lives, are going to be somewhat different from ourselves. Not necessarily so we will change our beliefs or behaviours, but at least to make us think about them. Obviously if you feel very passionately about something, and they feel just as passionately in the extreme opposite that could cause trouble. But I think it should be recognised that all relationships are about compromise and change, so if you are going to be rigid about many things that could cause problems even with someone who agrees with you at the time of meeting.
EasyHeart Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 What are you defining as "controversial topics"? Religion and politics? I always like to bring those sorts of things up during the first few dates. I really don't care what beliefs another person has, I'm primarily looking for whether they have thought them through and can give a rational basis for their beliefs. It's basically an intelligence test.
Titania22 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 What are you defining as "controversial topics"? Religion and politics? I always like to bring those sorts of things up during the first few dates. I really don't care what beliefs another person has, I'm primarily looking for whether they have thought them through and can give a rational basis for their beliefs. It's basically an intelligence test. That sounds good on the surface. But my experience is that atheists say that, knowing full well that anyone who isn't atheist will be unable to rationalise their faith to the atheists satisfaction. This doesn't make it an intelligence test at all, it makes it a test of whether I can fit into your little box. There are other ways to ascertain someones intelligence which don't hinder your ability to be accepting of the rights of other people to see the world differently from you. (BTW I don't follow any organised religion, so don't even think you have figured me out.)
EasyHeart Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I don't think I ever claimed to have "figured" you out. I don't even know you. And how do you get from my writing "I really don't care what beliefs another person has" to accusing me of not "accepting of the rights of other people to see the world differently from" me?
Titania22 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I don't think I ever claimed to have "figured" you out. I don't even know you. And how do you get from my writing "I really don't care what beliefs another person has" to accusing me of not "accepting of the rights of other people to see the world differently from" me? I'm sorry that I went all harsh, but i have heard that kind of attitude from a few atheists, and it's just to be mean and pat themselves on the back. Those ones seem to pride themselves on making religious or spiritual people sound irrational, because faith can't be proved by testable science. People with that attitude really annoy me. It's like setting up an unwinnable test, just to feel superior. So when you used exactly the same language, I made a wrong connection about you.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Funny story. My girlfriend met the guy I was dating on NYE and while we were in the subway waiting for the midnight train, she made a comment that Women were smarter than men. They started getting into this ridiculous argument that had no rights nor wrongs, but each had to have the last say. Let's just say they're not ready to settle down to having a gettogether anytime soon. So, no, I shy away from controversial topics until maybe the 3rd ,4th date. In fact, my whole life is controversial and slightly shady and secretive, I wouldn't run out of topics to converse.
dispatch3d Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Funny story. My girlfriend met the guy I was dating on NYE and while we were in the subway waiting for the midnight train, she made a comment that Women were smarter than men. They started getting into this ridiculous argument that had no rights nor wrongs, but each had to have the last say. Let's just say they're not ready to settle down to having a gettogether anytime soon. So, no, I shy away from controversial topics until maybe the 3rd ,4th date. In fact, my whole life is controversial and slightly shady and secretive, I wouldn't run out of topics to converse. Kinda sounds like feminist man hate. Women>men and then wonders why a guy gets angry and argues. Fair enough. In generally if they were both more accepting of others (or at least one of them were) that type of thing wouldn't happen. I would generally avoid controversial topics. If you are an especially argumentative person then I would definitely avoid them.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Kinda sounds like feminist man hate. Women>men and then wonders why a guy gets angry and argues. Fair enough. In generally if they were both more accepting of others (or at least one of them were) that type of thing wouldn't happen. I would generally avoid controversial topics. If you are an especially argumentative person then I would definitely avoid them. Oh no I had no idea why she would blurt something like that out, but we did had a very long night, and she was cranky and tired.
Author snug.bunny Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 I get what you mean, but I also see how people rub off on each other. The guy I was seeing and are now friends with is a big environmentalist (recycling etc), and I wasn't fussed, but as a result of interracting with him, I now turn off my computer every evening and when I go out, and am more conscious about that, but I was really resistent when he 1st brought it up. Had we bumped heads about it when we first met, we might have missed the chance of the friendship we have now, and I would have missed the opportunity to make changes that might have a positive effect on my next electricity bill. :lmao: If you don't mind me asking ---why did it not work out between you and the environmentalist?
Author snug.bunny Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 What are you defining as "controversial topics"? Religion and politics? I always like to bring those sorts of things up during the first few dates. I really don't care what beliefs another person has, I'm primarily looking for whether they have thought them through and can give a rational basis for their beliefs. It's basically an intelligence test. Hi EasyHeart...Controversial topics can be anything really, topics that are questionable/arguable. Religion, Politics, or topics that when discussed/answered, can provide general insight into a person's overall character. Like, do you believe there are selfless acts or is everything we do somehow for us?
Titania22 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 :lmao: If you don't mind me asking ---why did it not work out between you and the environmentalist? Basically from his side, he is in love with his online girlfriend, he has never met. And from my side, he became mean over the skype, and sexually he wasn't a good match for me. Why did you use the icon? I think I missed the joke.
Author snug.bunny Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Basically from his side, he is in love with his online girlfriend, he has never met. And from my side, he became mean over the skype, and sexually he wasn't a good match for me. Why did you use the icon? I think I missed the joke. Oh I was laughing because I thought it was cute that after dating him, you became more environmentally aware. So he is an environmentalist who is in love with someone online whom he's never met, and was sexually incompatible with you (oh, and mean over Skype). Maybe there is something to be said about an environmentalist...
Titania22 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Oh I was laughing because I thought it was cute that after dating him, you became more environmentally aware. So he is an environmentalist who is in love with someone online whom he's never met, and was sexually incompatible with you (oh, and mean over Skype). Maybe there is something to be said about an environmentalist... I know. I am really just hoping my electricity bill will go down, or at least stay the same, balancing with all the increases lately.
zengirl Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) Well what if it were issues that were detrimental to your overall compatibility? For instance, if you were pro-choice and your date is not pro-choice. Or, if one of you was big on recycling (an environmentalist)? Not placing judgment is one thing, but if differences cause opposition to where it could ultimately cause friction down the road, would it be better to know sooner rather than later? To me, a man being anti-choice would be a sign that we are not compatible, even as real friends. Peaceful acquaintences? Sure. I can tolerate anyone; I refuse to be friendly with anyone who tells other people what's appropriate to do with their bodies. I feel this way about many other political issues, too. Gay rights, for instance. If a man is against gay rights, if he's the least bit homophobic, if he thinks gay marriage is a sin. . . well, he's the same as a racist to me, and I refuse to socialize with anyone in either group. So, my point is: People draw different lines. And, in saying, that, personally, I don't ever bring up these things as a point of debate, particularly early on, but I make it pretty clear who I am. I can tell a bit by general political and religious affiliation, by talking about my friends (some of whom are gay), what I read in town, what events and rallies I've been to, the Buddhist/spiritual/agnostic influences in my life, etc. It's not like I've ever dated a guy for awhile and been shocked later that he was a homophobe or anti-choice, but it's also not like I brought up hot-button issues like they were checklists. If you care about something, and it's controversial, it's going to be somewhere in your life -- in the news article you read and talk about, or the event you went to, or the places you donate money to, or the friends you have, or the church you attend, or whatever -- and as long as you accept your life and celebrate it in your acquaintences, there won't be huge surprises, I think. Personally, I don't "avoid" any topic that seems natural. If I have to worry about offending someone to the point of tiptoeing, we're never going to work out long-term. But I do avoid going on the attack and try to hear out a person's point of view, if they're expressing it in front of me. If I disagree strongly, I may say something, but not with too much vitriol. Really, my tact tends to be cutting them off, if I think their views are that poisonous, so I'll counter to see if they really are that "bad" (to me) and then once I've decided they are, the arguing stops, and the date ends as quickly as is natural, and there is no next date. I'm sorry that I went all harsh, but i have heard that kind of attitude from a few atheists, and it's just to be mean and pat themselves on the back. Those ones seem to pride themselves on making religious or spiritual people sound irrational, because faith can't be proved by testable science. People with that attitude really annoy me. It's like setting up an unwinnable test, just to feel superior. So when you used exactly the same language, I made a wrong connection about you. The problems between atheists and Judeo-Christians (I am neither) often seem dual-sided to me. The atheists are acting the way you describe because they feel attacked -- an atheist could not be President in this country, and I even have a friend who is an atheist who is terrified of losing his job if anyone finds out (because he's a teacher). Frankly, I get that. If anyone realized I was very, very, VERY not Judeo-Christian, I could lose my teaching job, too. This country is a hostile environment for atheists. So, it's annoying when they treat well-meaning people of faith as the enemy, but there are just too many people of faith who have already declared war on them . . . I get where they're coming from. And I've been attacked by both groups, FWIW. Edited February 13, 2011 by zengirl
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