saintfrancis Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 This may have been dealt with here before, but I'm wondering, how do you let go of someone that you love, but with whom you have broken up? I am having great difficulty with this. For those who don't know my story, a couple of months ago I ended a relationship with a man who is married. I knew I had to do it, and I did. We still maintain a casual friendship, but nothing more. Now I am wondering if maintaining even the level of friendship we have is making me look like I'm just clinging to the past. It is so difficult when the feelings are still there, even if you don't act on them. I know I will get replies that I have to go the no contact route. I may yet do so. But, I am just feeling sick over the thought of him finding someone else. Don't bother telling me I *shouldn't* feel this way, I just do. Of course, if he finds someone else to date (and I suspect he may have someone in mind), then he couldn't have loved me that much anyway, right? I have been through breakups before, including one particularly nasty one, so technically speaking I "know" what should happen now. I just don't want to go through that kind of pain again. I am avoiding it, big time. I feel like I have lost my courage to face the future alone. I look in the mirror and think, I'm an attractive woman, surely I can attract another man? I do attract plenty of them, it seems, I have even been out on dates with other men since breaking up. But, the men I have met recently just do not hold any interest for me. I have been seriously considering talking to a priest, and I'm not even a religious person (I was raised Catholic but do not practice it). Help me with letting go!
moimeme Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 This book's pretty good http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/sr1.htm
zarathustra Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Relationships, especially long term ones, never end neatly. Unfortunately, we can't turn off years of feelings, passion and energy for another by snapping our fingers or pulling a switch. Our bodies and deepest parts of our soul betray us when we end a long term love affair. Our rational mind tells us move on, go forward, while our bodies, emotions and deepest memories want to go back to our ex, and the good times, when all was joy, passion and white hot love. But it's a lie. You can't go home again. Even if you reconcile, the relationship feels off center, jagged and uneven. What we really want is not to be in our lover's arms again, but to return to an idealized past when the love was best, and before things turned sour and feelings curdled. Love and utopia are connected. Those men you dated don't stand a chance: their puny reality is up against the idealized memory of the grandeur of what once was The Relationship. They can't win. Hell, they can't even place. I'm not a big believer in "no contact." I would maintain contact with him just enough to give you enough strength to throw yourself into whatever life has to offer: pottery, speed dating, religion, dancing, French. With the help of time, all memories dull after awhile. Friends, family, colleagues, LoveShackers will cushion you from this ended Relationship's aftershocks. The road is long, and you'll have setbacks. But by playing and working hard you'll be free of this Albatross, this scourge on your soul. You will heal and move on. That's the way life is.
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