avarb Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Just finished reading a great book - "When Your Sex Drives Don't Match." I have been resentful, angry and lost a great deal on desire because my girlfriend would never initiate sex with me. Even on nights when she told me she was going to initiate sex, she would just lay there in total agony, thinking of what to do and how to do it. This isn't a problem when she drinks but it never happens otherwise. The point of the book is that this is her sexual style. She is passive while I am assertive and erotic. The book says to respect each others style and learn how to work together to achieve mutual goals. It's been two years and I just can't seem to accept the fact that I might have to live my life without someone showing me the same desire and passion that I show for them. We tried everything but we both realize this is who she is and that trying to change will not happen. I am ready to move on because I cannot accept this as my reality. I love her and want the best for her but I think that means finding someone who is not a sexually "needy" as me. Am I missing something? I don't want to break up without exploring all options first. Help?
AverageJoe Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I can't speak in regards of the book but I can support your decision. Life is too short to be compromising who you are. Be you. I know a guy that has been married for many, many years. The last BJ from his wife was in the late eighties. Don't be that guy.
notsure15 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 really touchy subject for me. i initiate. i know i have to. once a year it is returned to me in full force. and i mean we have been married for 15 yrs, 4 kids our sex is great, i get what i want mostly, but i have to start it, i have to slowly push for her to say what she wants. i usually get "everything you do is wonderful" To her credit she tries everything at least once. (only me and her, no groups / swinging etc), and somethings i.e anal, swallowing she won't do again or it is on her terms. But when she is in the mood, and kids are gone (we had our first child in first yr of marriage), so no kids is a big thing for her, she goes off. i mean she will make me come hourly until she is satified, toys, videos spas, food everything to blow my mind. So maybe there is a "fired up fox lurking" because i too thought all i would have is a life of me trying soooo hard. we talked and slowly brought it out into the relationship, and once she goes there and sees the pleasure, she will do it again. i am happy to wait even if i don't get some things:o
Author avarb Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Glad to hear that they are couples who work things out. I just don't know if I want to wait that long. I am 46 and not interested in wasting my life chasing a dream. Are there any women who initiates sex and what do you think is the problem on this end?
TheBigQuestion Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I don't know about marriage, but I simply would not be willing to stay in a relationship during which my girlfriend's sexual desire noticeably diminishes. I also would not stay with a woman that could not keep up with me in the first place. I'm not sure why anyone settles otherwise. I have a friend who, despite seeing his girlfriend 5 or 6 days out of the week will typically only have sex about 5 or 6 times a month. He complains about it frequently and I simply could not fathom being in a relationship with such infrequent sex, especially since they see each other as much as they do.
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