hockeyman80 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 So here is a link to my old thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263088/ which describes my situation. Basically I called her to tell her I needed to see her (to break it off) and she told me over the phone that she feels the spark is gone / we seem more like friends than anything else etc. She said we should still be friends and I could go on the trip with her that we had planned as a boyfriend/girlfriend trip but instead go as friends. I said F*** that. So I said OK I expected all that from her anyway. So I went to see her because she said she wanted to see me and it was the first time in ages that I've seen her and the first thing she does is hug me and cry. I told her that I can't be her friend and all that. I told her I care about her but I'm not going to pressure someone to stay with me. I said maybe some day we can be friends. So, she talked about the issues she had with me, that I'm not supportive of her when she goes away and I told her the reasons why I'm not supportive. It's usually the timing. We will have no quality time together then she'll go away on a big drunk out of town. She can't really understand that, btu anyway. She did admit that she criticizes me too much over stupid things. She said I don't give her enough time with the girls, which I again explained that every time she goes with the girls she ends up getting picked up off the floor from being too drunk and doesn't remember a thing that happened, while also somehow meeting new guys every time. They can't go out for supper or do anything half sensible. Well, after all that she did admit that I do treat her good and whatnot. She didn't even mention anything about me being passive. She cried the whole time and said she wanted it to work, hugged me kissed me said the L bomb. So.... I'm lost. It seemed real but my guts telling me its not. Since this happened (3 days ago) we have texted more and I have seen her in school, but not outside of it. She's been with her friends everyday for the past 3 or 4 weeks, and is continuing to make plans with them to go out and party. She's a big softy for Valentines Day and days like that.. and she asked me if we were still doing something and I said yes I'd like to, and she replied with "well I don't. But maybe we can watch a movie." Is it possible that she thought she wanted me that night and only that night. Or am I reading into this too much. She really seemed like she cared that night but I don't know. We don't have plans and she doesn't seem like she wants to be around me. She's probably gonna pull the passive card on me and say "well why don't you ask me to do something" but I don't have any confidence to after all that's happened. I wish it was just assumed that we'd hang out soon or we'd both agree on it somehow. It seems like I always have to nag her.
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 We will have no quality time together then she'll go away on a big drunk out of town. She said I don't give her enough time with the girls, which I again explained that every time she goes with the girls she ends up getting picked up off the floor from being too drunk and doesn't remember a thing that happened, while also somehow meeting new guys every time. They can't go out for supper or do anything half sensible. She's been with her friends everyday for the past 3 or 4 weeks, and is continuing to make plans with them to go out and party. It sounds like she has an alcohol problem. I'm not saying she has, but it sure sounds like that.
Author hockeyman80 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Well she's in her early 20's and in university, the only reason it bothers me is cause she doesn't have self control and can't remember anything that happened almost every time. I'm the same age as her basically and I like drinking but I don't have any of those problems with memory or no self control. She drinks every weekend. I just find it hard sometimes cause she has a boyfriend. Why goto the bar every weekend without him. Basically when she said she feels smothered by me it's cause I used to go drink with her every weekend, because she wouldn't want to do anything else. So I don't think any of her criticisms are fair. Just find it hard cause I thought things sounded good after she cried and told me she wanted me and said we should have talked about this long ago. But she still seems a little bitter around me since being all lovey dovey that one night. I was ready to let go and she convinced me not to. It must mean something for a girl to cry and spill her heart to me like that, but is it possible she could have changed her mind the next day? Or maybe she said it because she didn't want to hurt me? I don't know. I just thought after a conversation like that she would be itching to be around me.
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I just thought after a conversation like that she would be itching to be around me. That's a good point. She says that on one side the spark is gone for her, yet she sought emotional intimacy with you that day. I think one of the few things you can do is ask her where you guys really stand and what she really wants, because you got confused after that day when she said she loved you, yet communication remains to go via phone/texting. You could say: "I want believe you when you say you love me, but I don't understand why we aren't together in each others arms after that day you said you wanted me and didn't want me to let go. Just texting with you is killing me, I want to be your lover and I can't be that merely via a phone. I don't want to smother you, but I do want to be with you. I need you and I want you, but only if you want the same. I need to feel it from your side too. This wedge between us is killing me. We need to start being clear with each other about what we want, for both our sakes." I don't know if that's any good. It could be a risky thing to say, so keep that in mind, but you know your situation better than I do.
dispatch3d Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I dunno. I wouldn't be okay with her behaviour either. Especially her not wanting the bf to go along. She sounds like a party girl........
Author hockeyman80 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) NexusOne first of all thanks for following my threads. I didn't say what you told me to say merely because I feel like I've said enough over the past few weeks that we need to be on the same page, and she knows how I feel and knows I care about her. I don't think it's fair after that night that she isn't itching to be around me. I asked her to hang out tomorrow and she said she had planned on studying but she'd hang out " for a bit ". She's going partying tonight so I wouldn't take the studying thing tomorrow as an excuse if she had tried to use that on me. It's just confusing. We were in prime position to end things and she persuaded me not to. However I'm still left feeling very unappreciated and a last resort. I always have with her I guess. The only times we had quality alone time (maybe once a week) were when there were no parties or her friends didn't want to do anything. Most of our time spent together has been drinking on the weekends where she's dragged me along with her friends. We don't ever have much quality time for sex or anything at all. Instead, she tries to compensate for this by telling me to come over for 5 mins when it's convenient for her, f*** her, then leave. I have so many mixed feelings. You might guess from my post that I don't even love her, but I do. I just don't really sit back and realize these things until I start typing this out. All that really sticks in my head is the other night when she cried and said she wanted me. Sometimes I just wonder if maybe she does love me but maybe she isn't made for a relationship either. and yes dispatch her parents encourage her to drink on the weekends and she usually binges every weekend, and every now and then she will during the week like tonight. Edited February 10, 2011 by hockeyman80
Author hockeyman80 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Since this happened (Monday) she has not initiated any affection toward me. I've seen her a little bit in school but she isn't touchy or anything. She won't flirt or anything. She will say I love you when she has to go or I have to go. She's told her friends negative stuff about me that isn't true (like I talk to my ex, etc.) and I feel like her friends have a different impression of me now, even though it isn't true. I also feel like her parents think differently of me because she has everybody brainwashed. I don't know if any of this is preventing her from working things out.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 This girl is playing you for a sucker. You basically fell for the old "cry and make him soft for me" trick. She doesn't want you around all the time, only when she needs/wants it. And you're playing right into it. I'm not trying to offend you, but you gotta stop being "that" guy. The one thing I've learned with women is if it doesn't make sense (mixed signals), don't trust it. That being said, your GF or whatever she is, cried in your arms, said she loves you, and she'll work on not being a sloppy drunk, etc. etc. etc....ok cool...well...where is it? Talk is cheap my dude, you feel me? Meanwhile I want to point out, and I advise you to read over what you wrote in the first post on this thread, that when you two talked, you addressed issues having to do with her..and what did she do? She turned it around on you. Is she going to own up to her actions? Or keep ducking them by flipping it on you, then crying? My observation, I think you should eject this chick and get a sensible one, one who has some kind of priority in life and responsibility for her own actions. I'd also try to find a girl who doesn't run with a bunch of sloppy drunk booze------ as friends. Birds of a feather flock together.
Author hockeyman80 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Real good advice, so you think that she cried and did all that stuff just because she knew I was choked up and she couldn't face reality? No offense taken. Although it may not seem like it, I was confident with myself for 2 years before I got into a relationship with her, and now my views on what a relationship should be are waaay off after being in this with her for this long. I agree that I am being "that" guy and not seeing it from an outsiders view. I feel ridiculous posting these things so I can't imagine what the people reading them think. I don't really trust her right now is right, after saying we feel like friends etc etc. I wish she was the one who was proving to me that she wanted me, after saying all those things. I should obviously feel a bit insecure about us, more than she should. While I admit she does have some priority in life with regards to school, she doesn't have much priorities outside of that. All of her friends are single girls who drink all of the time, and are desperate for any guy they can get. Anyway again thanks a lot for your advice. I need to sort my mind out. Part of me isn't excited to see her because I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure / she's indifferent to it. I need to figure my head out. I actually think part of the problem is that I always saw her as a looker (10/10) who wasn't full of herself and had priorities in life. Wasn't bitchy or anything like that. I think I'm still stuck in that mentality and ignoring reality. Edited February 10, 2011 by hockeyman80
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Real good advice, so you think that she cried and did all that stuff just because she knew I was choked up and she couldn't face reality? No offense taken. Although it may not seem like it, I was confident with myself for 2 years before I got into a relationship with her, and now my views on what a relationship should be are waaay off after being in this with her for this long. I agree that I am being "that" guy and not seeing it from an outsiders view. I feel ridiculous posting these things so I can't imagine what the people reading them think. I don't really trust her right now is right, after saying we feel like friends etc etc. I wish she was the one who was proving to me that she wanted me, after saying all those things. I should obviously feel a bit insecure about us, more than she should. While I admit she does have some priority in life with regards to school, she doesn't have much priorities outside of that. All of her friends are single girls who drink all of the time, and are desperate for any guy they can get. Anyway again thanks a lot for your advice. I need to sort my mind out. Part of me isn't excited to see her because I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure / she's indifferent to it. I need to figure my head out. I actually think part of the problem is that I always saw her as a looker (10/10) who wasn't full of herself and had priorities in life. Wasn't bitchy or anything like that. I think I'm still stuck in that mentality and ignoring reality. Hell yeah this girl played you with that crying ****. I mean, she says she cares, blah blah blah - where is the action honey?! Never judge a woman by her words, look towards her actions. She's still gettin' slizzard with her skanky friends every weekend. Come onnnnn sonnnnnnn. Be better than this, stop giving her all the damn power - there needs to be equilibrium. Stop being there whenever she needs, wants, allows it - you make the calls. She's the one ****ing up. She should be on YOUR terms. You're like that scrawny dude, who gets bumped by the huge buff guy, and YOU apologize for it. Just stop it already. I hope you listen! Be cool.
Author hockeyman80 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Yea true, never any action. She always expects me to do the action. Things should be on my terms, but they're not. She shows she doesn't care in so many ways, with me not being a priority and a last resort being the main issue. I mean even when we had our trip booked for Tahiti (halfway around the world from where I live) she messed up the booking and put herself sitting at the opposite end of the plane from me. She didn't even want to try and change it to sit with me. Heck, she even put herself on a separate plane than me for part of the way and wasn't bothered by it. Yea there needs to be equilibrium I agree, and I don't think there ever will be. I wish I knew how to make things on my terms. She doesn't feel like she owes me anything though. Diesel, do you have any suggestions as to how I can make things be on my terms? Since I'm the only one who's gonna create a hangout between us, how do I go about doing that. She's not gonna ask to see me, and I already asked to see her tomorrow although I'm not really looking forward to it because I know she's only going to because she doesn't have other plans.
Author hockeyman80 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Like should I bail on her tonight or what. I don't know. Last night I didn't feel excited about seeing her tonight and now I don't even more. We got in a fight this past summer because she went away to french camp for 6 weeks and I didn't hear from her at all. Then she came home and wasn't interested in seeing me, wasn't going to come to my family reunion or anything. She admitted afterwards that she treated me badly when she was gone, but that that's what happens to her when she goes away and I would have to accept that. She ended up coming to the reunion after I basically forced her to, and she did make me a priority for a few months. Anyway the reason I'm bringign that up is because today she decided that she's going to try to go back there again this summer even though she knows how much I hate that idea, especially since it doesn't benefit her degree at all because it just transfers over as credit for a first year course and she doesn't need that. She does way more partying there than anything. It's like part of me wants to be with her but part of me feels like I'm putting out way more than I'm getting in return. I guess she doesn't care and there is nothing I can do.
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