usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 so i'll start at the beginning. i have M.E so i dont go out much and cant cope with evenings; which is usually when you meet people or date which is a problem for me So i started a new job, me and my boss spent alot of time together alone. I was 21 he was 37. We got to be really good friends. Then one day when we were taking a break the conversation start changing. Eventually we had both admitted that we cared about eachother and that if he wasn't in a relationship and had two kids he would have wanted to try taking it further. After that it happened so slowly. We were good friends and he used to tell he about his gf and how she shouts at him and is paranoid and possesive and how they never have sex and that she was on the pill and got pregnant. Twice. He wanted to leave her but had lost two children before and couldnt face losing two more. Eventully we started hugging and shoving each other. He started holding my hand when we were walking because i would limp. Then the odd kiss that we would both stop. So eventually a year after we met he had some bad news and well i comforted him. Well we had sex. We've only had sex about 6 times in total over a year since then. But eventually i had to move away for family reasons. We kept in touch and visited. He kept asking me to move back. We did move back. Then he went quiet. Three weeks later i heard that hes gf was pregnant again. Im devestated. He constantly told me he loved me. and that he wished things were different. He told me there was no relationship between them it was just for the kids and they didnt even had sex. I dont know how to get over this. Im not going to have any more to do with him but i wish i knew if hed lied or not.
Author usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 sorry i should add that i only found out about the pregnancy yesterday. Today a mutual female friend told me he had tried it on with her before but i dont know whether to believe her or not because shes lied before. Again it wont make any difference to what happens. But it will make a difference to how i feel.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 He lied to you, that much is obvious. Sorry that he roped one over on you! He probably was a pretty good liar and had you believing all that he told you. People who are truly unhappy, leave their marriages/relationships, they don't stay and continue having sex, continuing having kids. You've only heard one side of things, and he ofcourse isn't going to make himself look like the 'bad guy', so he put all the blame on his girlfriend. She is his commonlaw wife, mother of his kids.. She isn't just "girlfriend". Just know, you're better off. Sucks that you lose the friendship, but he never was your 'true friend'. If he was, he wouldn't have allowed anything to ever happen between you two.
Author usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 I know your right. I also know the 'girlfriend' and whenever ive seen them she is always picking on him. He made it quite clear in front of me on numerous occassions to her that he wanted no more children and yet here comes another one. Surely someone cant be stupid enugh to get her pregnant three times unless he actually did want more kids.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I know your right. I also know the 'girlfriend' and whenever ive seen them she is always picking on him. He made it quite clear in front of me on numerous occassions to her that he wanted no more children and yet here comes another one. Surely someone cant be stupid enugh to get her pregnant three times unless he actually did want more kids. He played you...And he's probably played her as well. NOT a guy who you want for your own. Grieve the loss, and just know that you deserve better and more!
Author usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Thank you, i know your right i just dont know how to deal with all this, process it all
OWoman Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I know your right. I also know the 'girlfriend' and whenever ive seen them she is always picking on him. He made it quite clear in front of me on numerous occassions to her that he wanted no more children and yet here comes another one. Surely someone cant be stupid enugh to get her pregnant three times unless he actually did want more kids. If he really wanted no more children, he could have had a vasectomy. Obviously he didn't want it that bad... usher, I'm sorry you've been let down so badly. He has treated you horribly. I hope that your move back has not left you worse off... (Oh, and welcome )
desertIslandCactus Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Usher, What you need is time. Time to digest this and to grieve. The terms of their relationship aren't as important as the fact that they Are together, and now children. You had a near miss, and as an outsider I can say your whole life is still ahead of you. It will get better. The sooner you let go of him and the situation, the better.
Author usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 I have deleted all ways of communication-facebook accounts, mobile numbers, skype accounts etc... shame i cant delete memories though
Hazyhead Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Usher, I'm sorry, I went through something similar and I remember well the sick feeling. He has manipulated you. I know, right now, you're still getting your head around it and possibly have some anger which is giving you strength. However, prepare yourself: he will be back. What do you think is the best thing for you to do next? I won't tell you what I think you should do, BUT, if you read my past threads you might get an idea of what to expect from him. I wish you luck and strength. Keep posting and make every decision wisely. You can get past this if you choose to.
Author usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 To be honest i dont think he will be back; and even if he does try im not going to let him back, im not going through this again no way
desertIslandCactus Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 To be honest i dont think he will be back; and even if he does try im not going to let him back, im not going through this again no way It's kind of a pattern with them Usher. You came closer to him, he became scared - or quiet. Most likely he will make contact with you to feel out the situation.
Author usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 hazyhead am i right in reading you told his wife? i feel like i should but i dont think i can...she pregnant and having complications as it is
Author usher1310 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 thanks for your concern but i will not be letting him back-in fact i will not let him tell me anything that way i cannot feel sorry for him etc.....
desertIslandCactus Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 hazyhead am i right in reading you told his wife? i feel like i should but i dont think i can...she pregnant and having complications as it is I think the situation was diff with Hazy. I wouldn't tell her either. I think generally, the OW only considers telling the spouse, when the MM or AP continually contacts after NC has been set.
fooled once Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 He lied to you, that much is obvious. Sorry that he roped one over on you! He probably was a pretty good liar and had you believing all that he told you. People who are truly unhappy, leave their marriages/relationships, they don't stay and continue having sex, continuing having kids. You've only heard one side of things, and he ofcourse isn't going to make himself look like the 'bad guy', so he put all the blame on his girlfriend. She is his commonlaw wife, mother of his kids.. She isn't just "girlfriend". Just know, you're better off. Sucks that you lose the friendship, but he never was your 'true friend'. If he was, he wouldn't have allowed anything to ever happen between you two. Hi Usher. Welcome and I am sorry you are hurting. I agree with whichway. He is a liar and a manipulator. He met a young girl who he played with. Shame on him. Usher, I'm sorry, I went through something similar and I remember well the sick feeling. He has manipulated you. I know, right now, you're still getting your head around it and possibly have some anger which is giving you strength. However, prepare yourself: he will be back. What do you think is the best thing for you to do next? I won't tell you what I think you should do, BUT, if you read my past threads you might get an idea of what to expect from him. I wish you luck and strength. Keep posting and make every decision wisely. You can get past this if you choose to. Hazy is an awesome person. Listen to her. She is very smart. Think of yourself. Put yourself first and realize it doesn't matter if he was telling you thr truth - what matters is is that he has another child on the way and she didn't get pregnant by not having sex. His ACTIONS tell you different than his words. Believe his actions. Good luck
Heather1 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 He lost 2 other kids? So he'll soon have 5 kids? I'm really sorry this happened to you. There's guys out there that won't have a trail of kids behind them. You're young, he's got way too much baggage anyway for you. "Troubles with the marriage" is a standard line.
Author usher1310 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Hi yes, he was previously married with two children but used to drive lorries long distance which eventually broke their marriage up or so he told me, i have been told this morning that there were rumors he had cheated on her too, which is why she wont let him see the kids. thank you for all the replies. reading all the other stories has made me realise he is just one of those guys. This has given me the strength to decide his is definately not getting me back.
Woman In Blue Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Hi yes, he was previously married with two children but used to drive lorries long distance which eventually broke their marriage up or so he told me, i have been told this morning that there were rumors he had cheated on her too, which is why she wont let him see the kids. Gee, yet another almost 40-year old guy manipulating a young girl just barely in her 20's. These losers are everywhere, I guess. Yes, you were "had" Usher. Seems this creep makes it his life's work to screw around with anyone who'll have him, while breeding like a farm animal with the current woman he's with. And you may think your friend is a 'liar' and lover boy didn't try to play her, but more than likely, he DID. Right now as I'm typing this, the pig is probably setting up his next victim. I'd tell his girlfriend what a piece of crap he is. I'm sure the LAST thing she'd want to do is continue having kid after kid with this jerk if she knew what a complete JOKE he's been making of her and their so-called realtionship.
Author usher1310 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 I dont think i can tell her, i wouldnt want it to cause her to miscarry, i dont know whether my friend lied or not but it doesnt matter because i have proof he lied to me about other things. Although i feel for her i do think she intended to have another baby no matter what and i am sure she knows what he has been doing, looking at her past behaviour and all the rumours ive been hearing them she must have too.
Author usher1310 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) I think she is in denial he has told me she has accused him of being with me before. she had plenty of opportunity to ask me but never has. i think she doesnt want to know the truth. I think i will wait, if i hear he is trying to see another woman or if he contacts me then i will tell her. I know all of his other women i have spoken to ended it very quickly usually before anything happened, but as far as i know he has never tried to get anyone emotionally involved like with me, he has probally never been confronted by one of us before about how much hurt he is causing. I have sent him a message explaining that i know the truth and that he obviously cares about noone but himself. Hopefully this will make him see sense, although you are probally right he either cant help himself or he knows but doesnt care how much pain he causes. Edited February 10, 2011 by usher1310
Author usher1310 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 he also wrote a peom about me on his facebook profile which she has see, so im sure she must know
TigerCub Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Hey Usher, just watch out for the "I don't even think the baby is mine - I think she was cheating on me" story... I'm sorry that you were hurt, and that you trusted in someone and it totally backfired. As far as if the "wife" knows or not, it really doesn't matter, that's their dysfunction to deal with. Did the poem have your name in it?
Author usher1310 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 no it didnt but it mentioned several events that he def. to do with me it doesnt matter if the baby is his i know hes been lying to be about other things now anyway...he was only cheating on her because he loved me but couldnt leave the kids...yeah yeah...i know now i wasnt the only one the tried it with
TigerCub Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 no it didnt but it mentioned several events that he def. to do with me it doesnt matter if the baby is his i know hes been lying to be about other things now anyway...he was only cheating on her because he loved me but couldnt leave the kids...yeah yeah...i know now i wasnt the only one the tried it with Good for you for being done with him Usher. I know the pain that you're going through. my xMM was with his long time gf, he told me he was separated when I met him, he told me he had 1 son with her, and then like almost a year after I knew him, he tells me of another kid they have (he says that she was pregnant when they were separated). Its all the lies - its all so disappointing, and its very hurtful. Something is definitely very seriously wrong with people like them. Stay strong, you'll get over it in time and be so proud of yourself for being determined not to give him a minute more of your time. ***HUGS***
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