bf likes to go to bikini bars ...

[irc333]

Yeah, apparently if you have a problem with this....you're considered "insecure" of "mistrusting of your mate.

 

So when a mate throws a loaded question (I think), and they say, "Whatsa matter? You don't trust me??"

 

And, in order to NOT sound insecure, the sig. other sheepishly say, "Well, um....no...." and cowers down and let's the boyfriend hang out at a gentleman's club or "bikini bar" in this OP's situation.

 

Is a great manipulative tactic on the sig other's party to have their cake (the girlfriend) and eat it too, (the adult establishment).

 

have fun with his friends

 

This is so vague and open ended. How such a platitude can be thrown around as just having "fun" with his friends. I'd rather have fun watching my girlfriend in a bikini or in the buff on a Sat night.

 

Why the need to look at OTHER women in the bikin's or in the buff?

 

 

 

I can see that, actually, although I think it depends. I used to be a dancer, and I saw guys bring their own girls in sometimes, or talk about their girls at home. A lot of their girlfriends were really the pushover type, who will do anything to keep their man coming around. The girl who bends over backwards to be the cool girlfriend, you know. I assume that's the insecurity you're talking about here, vs the girl who stands up for her own feelings.

 

I don't think every girl who is cool about nudie bars is this way, either. But not everyone falls under the big brushes everybody's painting with here!

Edited February 10, 2011 by irc333

[depplover_1980]

There is probably sport on the TV's, music blaring out, lots of beer and occasionally a pretty waitress bring them over - an environment which a good portion of the male population feel relaxed and have fun within. It has nothing to do with any deeper thought.

 

Yet we'll all sit on a beach together wearing next to nothing. Social boundaries are a funny thing indeed.

[Jynxx]

This is so vague and open ended. How such a platitude can be thrown around as just having "fun" with his friends. I'd rather have fun watching my girlfriend in a bikini or in the buff on a Sat night.

 

Why the need to look at OTHER women in the bikin's or in the buff?

I dont like when my gf goes out to a club. I mean, surely she can invite her girlfriends over, put the music loud and dance with them and get drunk in the living room? The only difference is no stranger can hit on them there. And how a stranger hitting on her can be "fun" for her when in a relationship is beyond me. So should I say I don't want her to go to clubs because I find it disrespectfull towards me?

 

 

 

for the record I have no gf and I'm one of the least jealous ppl out there, the example was fictional

[chrissylee]

Is it? In what way is that then?

 

I keep hearing the counter argument of a man being 'disrespectful' or leaning towards being a plain loser! It is ludricious and slightly irrational and I will tell you why, but I will keep it from my perspective to avoid any twisting.

 

A man is a good partner, spends a lot of time with you, listens and gives adequate to great input into the relationship. But once every week or fortnight his regular group of friends play cards and enjoy some beers in a bar where the ladies are nude or semi clothed (because that is all that has happened here, this is NOT a strip club issue). He has a good night, comes home to his wife, to get up the next morning and continue the relationship as ever. WHAT IS THIS MANS CRIME EXACTLY?

 

 

The man's crime wold be that he completely disrespected his partners feelings on the issue. There are plenty of other places that guys can go hang out at that don't involve naked/almost naked girls.

[cerridwen]

I'm getting off topic, but the point I'm trying to make is that it's a preference and I don't think that people that put places like that out of bounds are being controlling, it's just their preference and he should respect that by A) telling her what he's doing and B) finding someone more compatible or not going.

 

I realize you were speaking in general, and like I said you are right; people have the right to freedom and individuality within a relationship but when that alienates one partner or crosses a boundary that they are not comfortable with then it needs to be addressed. People draw lines in different places(ie: look but don't touch), and they're entitled to know if their partner is crossing those lines so they can act accordingly.

 

^^Quoted for being spot on.

 

So, OP, are you still reading?

Both sides of the argument seem represented here so I'm wondering if you've reached any conclusions.

[Els]

iJester, in my opinion that is the greatest counter post to my views that i have read. I see the points regarding boundaries, clear lines being set etc. But then I would still pose to the person to simply assess why they are reacting so powerfully and why that parameter had been set?

 

Strips clubs is a different debate to this one - which is a bar with nude waitresses, not too disimilar to Hooters and chicken. Chomp. I am very intrigued as to what is the reasonable opposition to someone hanging back in one of these places.

 

BTW are you a sex addict or just a large appetite? Innocent intrigue.

 

Some things simply cannot be explained other than through nature.

 

If you could explain that, you could explain why it is mainly men who feel the need to have their friendly meetings around nude workers of the opposite sex when they already have an SO willing to bare all to them, whereas women do not. Her feeling threatened by it is simply the other side of the same coin.

 

You cannot brush away the former as simply '(the majority of) men's nature, and normal', and dismiss the latter as irrational. Both are either irrational, or explainable as '(the majority of) men/women's nature'.

[milkmaterial]

well just tonight, he got home around 8pm and was very tired from work. we were just talking normally and he said he was gonna take a shower.

anyway he disappeared for hours i thought he was asleep so i just left him a goodnight on answering machine. then he called and said that his friend was at his house. and i said oh did u go out to coffee? and he said no and laughed a bit. and then i knew he did go. he didnt even tell me anymore, he just went. and he got home like 2 hrs ago (pacific time). i just told him ok i gotta go cause im getting hungry and i said bye.

i think its kind of ridiculous to break up w/ him for this. i even asked some of my male friends and their response was "well it shouldn't be hard to give up". apparently, its hard.

im kinda bitter about it, thats all, that is important to him. i do kinda think, what kind of friends does he have, that the only place they can bear to hang out in is a bikini bar..

 

actually, let me reitarate, it isnt a bikini bar, its a lingerie bar. the women wear lingerie, see through panties and bra (or pasties). sorry if i seem needy or insecure, i just dont like it really. i do hope i could change my mind someday, or just dissolve into being numb towards it, but for now it is just ridiculous to break up because of it. i suppose, maybe im the weak one. i shouldnt care too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://itsjdmyo.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/62722_439038646986_118734426986_5630016_6615056_n.jpg

 

http://ih1.redbubble.net/work.3431384.2.flat,135x135,075,t.jpg

[GooseChaser]

well just tonight, he got home around 8pm and was very tired from work. we were just talking normally and he said he was gonna take a shower.

anyway he disappeared for hours i thought he was asleep so i just left him a goodnight on answering machine. then he called and said that his friend was at his house. and i said oh did u go out to coffee? and he said no and laughed a bit. and then i knew he did go. he didnt even tell me anymore, he just went. and he got home like 2 hrs ago (pacific time). i just told him ok i gotta go cause im getting hungry and i said bye.

i think its kind of ridiculous to break up w/ him for this. i even asked some of my male friends and their response was "well it shouldn't be hard to give up". apparently, its hard.

im kinda bitter about it, thats all, that is important to him. i do kinda think, what kind of friends does he have, that the only place they can bear to hang out in is a bikini bar..

 

actually, let me reitarate, it isnt a bikini bar, its a lingerie bar. the women wear lingerie, see through panties and bra (or pasties). sorry if i seem needy or insecure, i just dont like it really. i do hope i could change my mind someday, or just dissolve into being numb towards it, but for now it is just ridiculous to break up because of it. i suppose, maybe im the weak one. i shouldnt care too much.

What do you think of how he is constantly lying to you? Is that how you want to be treated? Is that the kind of person that you want to marry?

Edited February 11, 2011 by GooseChaser

[Anela]

Don't apologize, milkmaterial. I was thinking the same thing as GooseChaser. He's lying to you, and you need to make it clear to him that you aren't happy about that, or his going to those bars in the first place.

 

What do you think of how he is constantly lying to you? Is that how you want to be treated? Is that the kind of person that you want to marry?

[Macaw]

A guy is much more likely to stay faithful if he has a womans trust and she respects his space and needs, which he'll then returnto her - than a forced relationship with the law laid down.

 

Actually, you're wrong. Loyalty (or the lack of) isn't logical, it's a character trait.

 

Throw away your checklist. You can give him space, trust, sex, and he will still cheat on you if he's inclined to do so. Likewise, if he isn't inclined to cheat, you can give him plenty of golden opportunities, treat him like ****, and he still won't.

 

Cheating happens when people of either sex feel overwhelmed by their emotions. Sometimes it's anger and resentment and they resort to unfaithful sex as payback. Sometimes it's lust and the idea of doing something forbidden. Sometimes they got in a situation that made them so aroused that they couldn't control it. In any case, it always boils down to a matter of emotions over mind, and those with a weak willpower (or lack of principles regarding this issue) will succumb to it.

 

To the OP, here's the deal: If your bf is prone to cheating, he'll find other ways to do so behind your back. If he isn't, you're taking one of his liberties for no good reason. Strippers aren't victims, plenty of them like their jobs.

Edited February 11, 2011 by Macaw

[milkmaterial]

well, i do admit he might have "lied" because he is scared/didnt wanna get into trouble for going there. it is sad however how important the place is to him. its my fault that he ended up hiding where he went, i admit that.

 

and read what pinkshock said..the gfs of the men who are allowed to go to strip clubs are mostly the pushover type, the type who would do anything to keep their man vs a woman who speaks her mind on how she feels about it. strip clubs are different tho, u go there for a reason..maybe a bachelor party or your friend paid for you but the lingerie coffee is a place where u can actually go to daily and get away with it.

[Ay Diesel T]

well, i do admit he might have "lied" because he is scared/didnt wanna get into trouble for going there. it is sad however how important the place is to him. its my fault that he ended up hiding where he went, i admit that.

 

and read what pinkshock said..the gfs of the men who are allowed to go to strip clubs are mostly the pushover type, the type who would do anything to keep their man vs a woman who speaks her mind on how she feels about it. strip clubs are different tho, u go there for a reason..maybe a bachelor party or your friend paid for you but the lingerie coffee is a place where u can actually go to daily and get away with it.

 

Get away with it? What the ****, dude isn't committing a crime.

 

Jesus Christ, let this dude go - so he can move on to another, more secure woman. Even I am feeling smothered just by how you're typing.

 

Ugh I'm hung over - christ.

[GooseChaser]

If he's developed a history of lying, and even has the nerve to keep lying when they're planning to get married, it is likely that it isn't going to stop once he gets married. In my opinion, this is a huge red flag. It almost sounds as if going out to the bikini bar with the guys is a higher priority to him than his fiancee. If he lies all the time, you can't tell when he is telling the truth, and it damages the trust in the relationship. If he shows himself this way to be immature and untrustworthy, he may not be the best choice for a serious, long term relationship or marriage.

Edited February 11, 2011 by GooseChaser