depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Of course my dear It would be a crime not to be a romantic with you. Well I didn't expect this Diesel T, I am quite taken aback. Marriage agreed with the terms of seperate houses and romantic gestures, which I have no doubt you'll follow through with. On a serious note, how did the pregnancy test go? O'Malley I agree on compatibility too but only on the grounds of one wants freedom and one wants to control. Puppet and puppetmaster, not an equal relationship. Perhaps the man here should consider whether he wants such a woman aswell as the other way round? Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I read that the OP is upset about his misleading her in the first place and that she's bothered by his attitudes towards women. He probably should have been honest in the first place, because it does make you wonder if he's mislead her about anything else, so the OP should decide whether she can accept his habits or not. I do agree that it is up to her whether or not she should accept his habits. That is on her, not him. If she can't accept it then she has a decision to make. Otherwise it will become a point where she will try to put him under her thumb in an 'ultimatum' fashion. He may wilt at first with empty promises and then turn to lying to her about it later. Leading to a toxic atmosphere that will do neither of them any good. So, if she is that insecure of this type of thing, then the relationship is not for her. She should move on. In regards to whether he should have told her or not is debatable. By that logic she should have made it clearly known to him her ill regard of such establishments before hand. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissylee Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I wasn't aware that being a husband means you have to give up all the other areas of your life like hanging with friends. If the guy is going all the time, ie more than once a week then it's a problem otherwise he is just spending male time. So much insecurity... So guys have to be allowed to act like shallow jerks when they hang out? I am not insecure at all but I know I would not put up with this from my SO. I have never told him he can't go to strip clubs or places like this. I have just made it clear that I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to disrespect me like this. Depp, really most of the girls will say they are funding an education but in reality they are probably funding a drug habit. Most of those girls probably will never be anything more than a stripper in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Well I didn't expect this Diesel T, I am quite taken aback. Marriage agreed with the terms of seperate houses and romantic gestures, which I have no doubt you'll follow through with. On a serious note, how did the pregnancy test go? O'Malley I agree on compatibility too but only on the grounds of one wants freedom and one wants to control. Puppet and puppetmaster, not an equal relationship. Perhaps the man here should consider whether he wants such a woman aswell as the other way round? Well, if you've been following my other thread, she had a blood test done that came out positive for pregnancy. But before that, she had her period. She said everything was normal as far as her periods go, but this was a light period. She also took a take home pregnancy test, and it tested negative. I've asked her to take another take home pregnancy test, and her second round of blood test results we'll hear about tomorrow (to confirm a pregnancy or not) I'm crossing my fingers super hard here. We've both agreed to not go through with baring this child. So if she proves to be pregnant, we both want to take care of the situation as soon as possible. She wants to get the surgery, but I've seen it done and it's horrific. I'm trying to push for a chemical one, the pill regimen for a day or two. She's on the fence about the chemical one...I don't know how else to convince her, and I don't want to push too hard - it's her body. All I can do at this point is provide financial and emotional support, which I will be. Pray for me lol..seriously though, pray for me. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 So guys have to be allowed to act like shallow jerks when they hang out? If that is your perception of it, yes. It isn't up to you. Is it? I have just made it clear that I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to disrespect me like this. If you think he is not the best person filling the position, then that position needs to go unfilled. Leave. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissylee Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 If that is your perception of it, yes. It isn't up to you. Is it? If you think he is not the best person filling the position, then that position needs to go unfilled. Leave. It might not be up to me if my SO acts like a shallow jerk and disrespects me when he goes out, but it is up to me if I put up with that type of behavior. If it is all about male bonding then guys could go to a place where the women aren't naked. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 It might not be up to me if my SO acts like a shallow jerk and disrespects me when he goes out, but it is up to me if I put up with that type of behavior. If it is all about male bonding then guys could go to a place where the women aren't naked. Right. If it is unacceptable for you. Leave. How hard is this to comprehend? Link to post Share on other sites
chrissylee Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Right. If it is unacceptable for you. Leave. How hard is this to comprehend? I have never said my SO does this. I am simply was talking to Deep's idea that being a husband means that guys have to stop hanging out with his friends. A women should not have to put up with something her guys does that she hates just so he can hang out with his friends. It seems like Deep seems to think guys should be able to do anything they want in a relationship without wondering how it makes their partner feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Pfiend101 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Leave him if its a problem. Honestly its not a big deal. Going to hang out with buddys. Its "guy time". Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 being a husband means that guys have to stop hanging out with his friends. Pay attention fella's. This is what some of you may have to deal with. Any girl with this mentality I would tell exactly where to go. Away! Link to post Share on other sites
chrissylee Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Pay attention fella's. This is what some of you may have to deal with. Any girl with this mentality I would tell exactly where to go. Away! If a guy had your mentality I would gladly run far away from him and hopefully find someone who doesn't think its ok to disrespect me by going to strip clubs/ bikini bars. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissylee Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Pay attention fella's. This is what some of you may have to deal with. Any girl with this mentality I would tell exactly where to go. Away! By the way I was not the one who posted that being a husband means guys have to stop hanging out with his friends. I was quoting from another poster.... Edited February 10, 2011 by chrissylee Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Straight up, I'd say it'd make me feel disrespected too. No specific reason, just an ingrained feeling, much the same as the 'ingrained' nature that makes some men want to go to such places to begin with. It may not be 'cheating' at all if he goes solely for the camaraderie, but IMO a decent man will know how to find camaraderie in places other than strip bars, especially if it makes his partner unhappy. Geez, there are TONS of other places you can go with your buddies - a regular bar, footie night, fishing, whatever! Special occasions might be okay, but I would personally look down on a man who felt the need to frequent these regularly and won't stop even if it's making his gf uncomfortable. You HAVE told him it makes you uncomfortable instead of just seething in private, haven't you? Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Pay attention fella's. This is what some of you may have to deal with. Any girl with this mentality I would tell exactly where to go. Away! Are you serious? You take her quote COMPLETELY out of context and use that as a tool to say derogatory things about her? What is lacking inside of you that makes you reach SO DESPERATELY to make people who have other opinions feel inferior? Because, you know, this is exactly the mentality the women in thei thread are talking about... I would never be with a guy who did anything lke that to be me, simply put. That's what I like to call a "sleazy dirtbag." Let's see how much his nameless naked women comfort him all alone in his bed when he's 60 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Right. If it is unacceptable for you. Leave. How hard is this to comprehend? I think the majority of mature men who actually care about their partners would far rather their gf told him, in a nice way, about how it makes her feel, rather than just dumping him without telling him anything. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) This is what some of you may have to deal with. Any girl with this mentality I would tell exactly where to go. Why grandstand about a poster, when you're the one who took her quote out of context? In regards to whether he should have told her or not is debatable. By that logic she should have made it clearly known to him her ill regard of such establishments before hand. If going to a go-go club (or whatever it is) is a regular part of his life, it would make sense to let any partner know about that early on. Some women would be fine with it, others wouldn't, and they both could decide if they were compatible. By lying, he chose to take the decision out of her hands early on in their relationship. One would assume the OP didn't bring up her issue with these kinds of clubs precisely because her boyfriend deliberately mislead her about what he was doing. Lying about a regular habit isn't a very integral way to treat your partner. Edited February 10, 2011 by O'Malley Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Or you could just get a grip on your jealousy? I think the whole 'he should respect me' is a cover up for you feeling insecure. I keep seeing this card being throw about constantly....it's actually the opposite Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I keep seeing this card being throw about constantly....it's actually the opposite Is it? In what way is that then? I keep hearing the counter argument of a man being 'disrespectful' or leaning towards being a plain loser! It is ludricious and slightly irrational and I will tell you why, but I will keep it from my perspective to avoid any twisting. A man is a good partner, spends a lot of time with you, listens and gives adequate to great input into the relationship. But once every week or fortnight his regular group of friends play cards and enjoy some beers in a bar where the ladies are nude or semi clothed (because that is all that has happened here, this is NOT a strip club issue). He has a good night, comes home to his wife, to get up the next morning and continue the relationship as ever. WHAT IS THIS MANS CRIME EXACTLY? Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Depplover, I don't think this guy is so terrible, but it's really up to the OP and whether she sees it as him lusting after other women. I think he should be able to go out and have fun with his friends, but why lie about where you're going? It is disrespectful. Why shouldn't she feel insecure; he's been lying to her about where he's been and what he's been doing, since she's known him...? I hate controlling women, but the OP seems fairly level-headed and rational to me. I would expect most women that are considering marriage with someone would consider this a red flag at the very least, and I think you're blowing her insecurity/"jealousy" way out of proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Is it? In what way is that then? I keep hearing the counter argument of a man being 'disrespectful' or leaning towards being a plain loser! It is ludricious and slightly irrational and I will tell you why, but I will keep it from my perspective to avoid any twisting. A man is a good partner, spends a lot of time with you, listens and gives adequate to great input into the relationship. But once every week or fortnight his regular group of friends play cards and enjoy some beers in a bar where the ladies are nude or semi clothed (because that is all that has happened here, this is NOT a strip club issue). He has a good night, comes home to his wife, to get up the next morning and continue the relationship as ever. WHAT IS THIS MANS CRIME EXACTLY? That he looked other physically attractive women! Dun dun dunnnnnn! Why do some women hate the fact that they're not the only woman that's attractive to their husband? Why do some women try to keep their husband away from said attractive women like some kind of dog on a leash? Come on OP, it's pretty clear you're insecure. Depp is right, why are you punishing your husband for doing something he's been doing, probably even before he met you? Because you just discovered this doesn't make him any less of the great guy you thought of him as before. You're letting your insecurities cloud your judgement. And the other female posters that say you should punish him for it ie. leaving him? Don't listen to him, as they are only miserable, and misery loves company. Jump down his throat for lying to you, not about the bar. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocking Pink Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I keep seeing this card being throw about constantly....it's actually the opposite I can see that, actually, although I think it depends. I used to be a dancer, and I saw guys bring their own girls in sometimes, or talk about their girls at home. A lot of their girlfriends were really the pushover type, who will do anything to keep their man coming around. The girl who bends over backwards to be the cool girlfriend, you know. I assume that's the insecurity you're talking about here, vs the girl who stands up for her own feelings. I don't think every girl who is cool about nudie bars is this way, either. But not everyone falls under the big brushes everybody's painting with here! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Depplover, I don't think this guy is so terrible, but it's really up to the OP and whether she sees it as him lusting after other women. I think he should be able to go out and have fun with his friends, but why lie about where you're going? It is disrespectful. Why shouldn't she feel insecure; he's been lying to her about where he's been and what he's been doing, since she's known him...? I hate controlling women, but the OP seems fairly level-headed and rational to me. I would expect most women that are considering marriage with someone would consider this a red flag at the very least, and I think you're blowing her insecurity/"jealousy" way out of proportion. No I am talking in general and the psychology to why as humans we become possessive of a partners behaviour (not all but large majority). Let's look at you saying whether she sees this as lusting after other women? Men lust after women, it is a primal instinct and a healthy one but looking and touching is a completely different game. As I have said before this comes down to trust. Now lying would be another matter to eliminate on,but I am defending many things. That it is a persons right to have individuality and freedom in a relationship; that finding the opposite sex attractive is healthy and natural and does not amount to unfaithful behaviour, infact quite the opposite - repression is usually the source of extreme actions. Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I agree with you on most counts, but in a relationship there are going to be boundaries that will vary from person to person. I don't understand why it's unreasonable for stripclubs or even a bar like the one he's been frequenting to be out of bounds. Surely, a man can healthily lust after other women, without their snatch being ground in his face(hyperbole). I'm a sex fiend and I've never met anyone, male or female, with a sexual appetite like mine and I get my fix without ever going to strip clubs or whatever, and I actually find them boring and the people that frequent them, losers that can't get actual pussy. That said, I have no problem with these places or even whore houses; I'm open and think people should do what they want. I'm getting off topic, but the point I'm trying to make is that it's a preference and I don't think that people that put places like that out of bounds are being controlling, it's just their preference and he should respect that by A) telling her what he's doing and B) finding someone more compatible or not going. I realize you were speaking in general, and like I said you are right; people have the right to freedom and individuality within a relationship but when that alienates one partner or crosses a boundary that they are not comfortable with then it needs to be addressed. People draw lines in different places(ie: look but don't touch), and they're entitled to know if their partner is crossing those lines so they can act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 iJester, in my opinion that is the greatest counter post to my views that i have read. I see the points regarding boundaries, clear lines being set etc. But then I would still pose to the person to simply assess why they are reacting so powerfully and why that parameter had been set? Strips clubs is a different debate to this one - which is a bar with nude waitresses, not too disimilar to Hooters and chicken. Chomp. I am very intrigued as to what is the reasonable opposition to someone hanging back in one of these places. BTW are you a sex addict or just a large appetite? Innocent intrigue. Link to post Share on other sites
Seaofclouds Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Several people keep mentioning how he lied to her/deceived her about where he was going, but I don't see where he did that. He told her he was going to "coffee" (as she put it) and she assumed it was a coffee place. It's not his fault she didn't know what type place it was. OP, if it's something that really bothers you, you need to talk to him about it. At the same time, you have to figure out what it is about that place that really bothers you. Is it an issue about him being there and his behavior at this place or is it an issue about him being around/seeing women with barely any clothing on? To me, from that picture you showed, that's the same type thing we see going to the beach and even some public pools, so I don't see the big deal in it. Obviously you see it differently though, so the two of you need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. Good luck! Edited February 10, 2011 by Seaofclouds Link to post Share on other sites
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