bf likes to go to bikini bars ...

[milkmaterial]

I have been with my bf for a while, we are planning to get married sometime soon. He has improved greatly on the course of our relationship, what irks me is that he goes to bikini bars and his friends go there too. It isnt like hooters, bikini bars - at least the one he goes to- the girls wear only a g-string, heels and pasties (sometimes) to cover their nipples.

 

He hasbeen telling me before he goes to "coffee"to play cards with his friends, i was like great..thinking its just a starbucks type of place..i was dead wrong.

 

Anyway he keeps telling me its normal and hes been going there for years, i just cant fathom the thought we'd be married and hes like 50 and still going there.

 

I dont wanna sound like a douche, but i "sort of" look down on people who frequent these bars. The girls strip to almost nothing (i'll link a pic) and they probably hate it too ..they just need the money. Its the gross people who have no self respect and go here.

 

I would probably think differently if it was a REAL titty bar, with a pole and some dancing/gyrating on the stage. But this one "poses" like its innocent, its sort of more voyeuristic than a regular strip joint. Old perverts go there to stare at a girls crotch and chest.

 

It IS the same industry as porn, SEX industry. I am not really that narrow minded but in terms of this just makes my blood boil.

 

I dont wanna tell him to not go, but i am torn within myself. I hate the fact he puts me through this, this is BS to me. I wanna be calm and cool about it, but its so hard.

 

Me and my bf are of different cultures, and in his culture this sort of thing is OK and "normal".

 

Reason i brought this up was he was there last night with his friends, and one of his friends invited hiim to a "new place" and he didnt go cause it was "expensive". I was so furious but i hid my anger. Obviously this new place is yet another bikini bar.

 

I dont think i want to give him up for this but i really cannot illusion my life in a rocking chair, sewing while he is out ogling at some tits and ass. its gross and i cant respect that!!!

 

 

 

 

http://www.nsxprime.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=70790&d=1283264907

[ginger337]

Honestly, just talk to him about how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Don't jump down his throat and forbid him from going, just sit him down and calmly say what you said here. As cliche as this is, communication is key, and because this irks you so much this is a problem that needs to be sorted out.

 

Also, I really don't blame you for being this upset. I think I would be as well.

[Stung]

It's not weird to have a problem with this. My guess is your boyfriend actually knows this, which is why he was misleading you for so long about it. That part would really stick in my craw, and make me wonder what else he felt comfortable lying to me/misleading me about.

 

You can't force him to change his ways. All you can do is talk to him and try to get him to understand your point of view. If he can't understand and he doesn't want to change his habits, then it's up to you to either A) learn to live with it, or B) cut your losses and end the relationship. You have to set and enforce your own boundaries.

 

As an aside, I'm honestly very confused as to why you seem to think this place is worse and more voyeuristic than a full strip club, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

[xpaperxcutx]

Time to reevaluate your plans for marriage.

[depplover_1980]

Or you could just get a grip on your jealousy? I think the whole 'he should respect me' is a cover up for you feeling insecure. What are you afraid of? That he sees boobs and bums and stops loving you? If you went in a place with hunky men serving you would it change any of your feelings for you fiancee? Of course it wouldn't.

 

Men do these things to bond and at least he has come clean about it and being honest - there are tonnes of guys that do this in secret. It is a time and place for guys to be guys. When men get space to breathe and kick back, they come home to you feeling relaxed and happy especially that you trust them so much.

 

Be very careful how you approach it if you want to keep you self respect with him and at most request he limits the amount of time there. Once a week is not harmful.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm...

 

Why not go there with him sometime? Hit on the girls there a bit. I'm sure the girls, him, and his friends will all get a kick out of it.

 

I dated a guy that went to strip clubs, I really didn't like that but his justification was that he was far away and couldn't be with me (deployed National Guard). So I told him I was going to an all male revue. He didn't like that one bit.

[O'Malley]

How long have you been aware that he goes to these types of venues? As a couple, you're mutually fine with visiting them or you're not. I agree that it's more troubling that he was lying to you about where he was going.

 

Discuss with him what makes you uncomfortable about the situation and why he hid it from you. He's been doing this so long, however, that he likely isn't going to change his habits. I wouldn't even think of marriage until you have this sorted out.

[TouchedByViolet]

He has improved greatly on the course of our relationship

 

This is a really good sign for a long term partner.

 

He hasbeen telling me before he goes to "coffee"to play cards with his friends, i was like great..thinking its just a starbucks type of place..i was dead wrong.

 

It sucks he mislead/lied to you. Communication is very important. Having said that he was clearly worried about your reaction. Tell him his lack of communication and integrity regarding his guy activities hurt you a lot. Sounds like he doesn't fully understand how much his behavior is hurting you. This is honestly what worried me the most. If something is bothering you to the level of breaking up, your bf should be more understanding.

 

I dont wanna sound like a douche, but i "sort of" look down on people who frequent these bars. The girls strip to almost nothing (i'll link a pic) and they probably hate it too ..they just need the money. Its the gross people who have no self respect and go here.

 

LOL, I'm a guy 23 years old, and I went to Vegas last month. Went to my first strip club, and wow was it fun. There are plenty of women, who enjoy their work, are damn good at it, make plenty of $$$ and are A+ entertainers. They don't have money for sex or preform some other conjured sexual act (those are called prostitutes). These women create a kind of fantasy. I love strip clubs, can't wait for next year!

 

I dont think i want to give him up for this but i really cannot illusion my life in a rocking chair, sewing while he is out ogling at some tits and ass. its gross and i cant respect that!!!

 

I feel like you are projecting way to far into the future. Who knows what his interests will be 10+ years from now.

 

How often does he frequent these places? Does your bf find you sexually attractive? Does he compliment you and initiate romance?

[xpaperxcutx]

Hmm...

 

Why not go there with him sometime? Hit on the girls there a bit. I'm sure the girls, him, and his friends will all get a kick out of it.

 

I dated a guy that went to strip clubs, I really didn't like that but his justification was that he was far away and couldn't be with me (deployed National Guard). So I told him I was going to an all male revue. He didn't like that one bit.

 

It really is a double standard for the OP. If she was frequenting a place with a similar venue but guys, I doubt she would complain at all. Not that it would sound like a bad idea, but the conotations of a soon-to- be married man hitting a joint like that every weekend is a no-no. Let alone a strip club especially with a wife at home.

[depplover_1980]

I wasn't aware that being a husband means you have to give up all the other areas of your life like hanging with friends. If the guy is going all the time, ie more than once a week then it's a problem otherwise he is just spending male time. So much insecurity...

[Ay Diesel T]

I wasn't aware that being a husband means you have to give up all the other areas of your life like hanging with friends. If the guy is going all the time, ie more than once a week then it's a problem otherwise he is just spending male time. So much insecurity...

 

Marry.me..

[Stung]

Depp, just because someone has different opinions about/boundaries surrounding sexual expression doesn't automatically mean they are inferior to yours or borne of insecurity.

 

I'm not a fan of strip clubs either, doesn't mean I'm not sex positive or that I'm crippled by insecurity. For one thing, I had a few friends who worked in them, and I'm acquainted with a much seedier side of them than depicted in an above poster's rather rosy view. Fortunately, my husband is on the same page as me and so it's not an issue for us. He gets plenty of guy time, since guy time and strip clubs aren't actually synonymous.

 

The OP can't force a change here, but if this is unacceptable to her she can move on and make a new plan for her life. There are other men in the world and contrary to popular opinion not all of them care about going to strip clubs.

[depplover_1980]

You know Diesel in my younger years I spent so much time stressing about this with insecurity thinking looking at naked women amounted to cheating. It does not at all. Men will seek out the beautiful naked form in many ways,it is nature and to repress that nature is where the trouble starts.

 

I went to a strip club years ago, saw how the guys behave. Yes they have an ogle at the girls, but more in an upbeat comrade way of just kicking back and enjoying their own testostorone. I liked the girls, got chatting, most of them are funding their education and none of them are after the men other than their money!!

 

A guy is much more likely to stay faithful if he has a womans trust and she respects his space and needs, which he'll then returnto her - than a forced relationship with the law laid down.

[mtber75]

He probably rationalize this by saying that this is ONLY a bikini bar with no nudity? But I bet they serve drinks and that's a bad mix. Old drunken perverts and pretty young women!

 

He needs to grow up and not blow his money on cheap thrills.

[depplover_1980]

Depp, just because someone has different opinions about/boundaries surrounding sexual expression doesn't automatically mean they are inferior to yours or borne of insecurity.

 

I'm not a fan of strip clubs either, doesn't mean I'm not sex positive or that I'm crippled by insecurity. For one thing, I had a few friends who worked in them, and I'm acquainted with a much seedier side of them than depicted in an above poster's rather rosy view. Fortunately, my husband is on the same page as me and so it's not an issue for us. He gets plenty of guy time, since guy time and strip clubs aren't actually synonymous.

 

The OP can't force a change here, but if this is unacceptable to her she can move on and make a new plan for her life. There are other men in the world and contrary to popular opinion not all of them care about going to strip clubs.

 

Sorry but fearing your guy being around naked women is down to insecurity. Not one time did I say my view was superior, if you felt it was then that's your issue.

 

I fully realise not all men are in to strip clubs, but they are the ones who have been hammered down by their moaning women at home!! Kidding.

 

Some grow out of this phase, some men are loners as I predominantly am and have no need for group 'guy' time. There is sleaze everywhere hidden in all walks, but it is predominantly down to trust. Pure and simple.

[Stung]

Sorry but fearing your guy being around naked women is down to insecurity. Not one time did I say my view was superior, if you felt it was then that's your issue.

 

I fully realise not all men are in to strip clubs, but they are the ones who have been hammered down by their moaning women at home!! Kidding.

 

Some grow out of this phase, some men are loners as I predominantly am and have no need for group 'guy' time. There is sleaze everywhere hidden in all walks, but it is predominantly down to trust. Pure and simple.

 

 

Not once did I say I feared him seeing naked women. Perhaps seeing fear is your own issue. Life is complicated and people have a multitude of contextual interpretations of stimuli. You are correct that you didn't say your view was superior, but it's pretty easily inferred by a pitying reference to "so much insecurity." <Shrug> I don't think all guys have to grow out of the phase or necessarily be loners, I think men are more complex and varied than that--although I certainly agree that most men have probably at least checked out the scene out of curiosity at one time or another. I have been to several clubs myself over the years, in a few different cities and countries. I can tell you that in my own still somewhat limited experience the seediness of the atmosphere varies greatly from location to location, and that the level of prostitution ranges from nonexistent to extremely blatant. I have been to establishments where the attitude was definitely not just friendly bloke-y camaraderie, by any stretch of the imagination. I would certainly never put a woman down just because she felt uncomfortable with her mate going to such an establishment, although I don't think the place the OP was referencing is quite the same, sounds more like some kind of burlesque place.

 

I still think the fact that he misled her for so long about the nature of the establishment is distressing. It would be a red flag for me.

[Jynxx]

He has improved greatly on the course of our relationship

Red flag number 1... for him. Sound like you bought a dog you've it some new tricks.

The girls strip to almost nothing (i'll link a pic) and they probably hate it too ..they just need the money.

While obviously a stripper isn't as extatic about her job as she pretends to be, the ones I met didn't mind it that much. And let's face it, most people with a 9 to 5 aren't exactly extatic about their jobs either.

 

As for the money part, you'd be verrrry surprised how much strippers make. 5 figures per month is more standard than exception.

Its the gross people who have no self respect and go here.

Get a grip. It's strippers, not prostitutes. As you said, it's just a good time to chill, get a drink, watch some beautiful women.

It IS the same industry as porn, SEX industry. I am not really that narrow minded but in terms of this just makes my blood boil.

Sex industry? Do the girls have sex with clients or eachother? Are you sure about that?

I dont wanna tell him to not go, but i am torn within myself. I hate the fact he puts me through this, this is BS to me.

He puts you through nothing. You put yourself through it. He is not responsible for your happiness. You are.

Me and my bf are of different cultures, and in his culture this sort of thing is OK and "normal".

[sarcasm]Well, maybe you should try to "improve" him on this aspect during the rest of your relationship then[/sarcasm]

Reason i brought this up was he was there last night with his friends, and one of his friends invited hiim to a "new place" and he didnt go cause it was "expensive". I was so furious but i hid my anger. Obviously this new place is yet another bikini bar.

so he didn't go... what exactly are you furious about?

its gross and i cant respect that!!!

When expressing a personal opinion, you can add words like "I think" or "in my opinion" to make it obvious you're not stating a fact

 

 

 

OK, before I'm put in peoples ignore list for being a troll:

 

OP, your partner is a real person, with feelings and characteristics of its own. Some of those you may like, some of those you may dislike. While I'm not saying trying to change something about your partner is always wrong, it's extremely important that this happens only with things both parties agree on and with the utmost respect for your partner and his feelings. You could help him with selfimprovement, but as equals. He is not some clay puppet that you can form into whatever you wish.

 

 

Your partner thinks there's nothing wrong with stripclubs. That's totally fine, and you should respect his opinion. You seem to think your opinions are the reference and the rest of the worlds opinion doesn't matter ("it's gross", "they're perverts"). Do you expect your partner to take over your believes or to withold something he sees nothing wrong with out of respect for you? (think about this, it's a tricky question)

 

You also seem to believe other people are responsible for your happiness and should put that above their own enjoyment and wellbeing. To some extend this is obviously true, but you take it waaayyyy too far.

 

 

As for your options (ranked from best to worst):

1.Tell him how you feel about it, then let go

2.Get over your frustrations and accept it

3.Forbid him to go

4.Say nothing but get furious when you think he goes (or even wants to go or even doesn't want to go but gets asked to go)

 

In other words, you have 3 ways to improve.

 

 

 

Hope I didn't offend you too much, but someone had to say it

[Ay Diesel T]

You know Diesel in my younger years I spent so much time stressing about this with insecurity thinking looking at naked women amounted to cheating. It does not at all. Men will seek out the beautiful naked form in many ways,it is nature and to repress that nature is where the trouble starts.

 

I went to a strip club years ago, saw how the guys behave. Yes they have an ogle at the girls, but more in an upbeat comrade way of just kicking back and enjoying their own testostorone. I liked the girls, got chatting, most of them are funding their education and none of them are after the men other than their money!!

 

A guy is much more likely to stay faithful if he has a womans trust and she respects his space and needs, which he'll then returnto her - than a forced relationship with the law laid down.

 

 

I mean it, let's get married! You've got 8 years on me, but I can work with that.

[depplover_1980]

Not once did I say I feared him seeing naked women. Perhaps seeing fear is your own issue. Life is complicated and people have a multitude of contextual interpretations of stimuli. You are correct that you didn't say your view was superior, but it's pretty easily inferred by a pitying reference to "so much insecurity." <Shrug> I don't think all guys have to grow out of the phase or necessarily be loners, I think men are more complex and varied than that--although I certainly agree that most men have probably at least checked out the scene out of curiosity at one time or another. I have been to several clubs myself over the years, in a few different cities and countries. I can tell you that in my own still somewhat limited experience the seediness of the atmosphere varies greatly from location to location, and that the level of prostitution ranges from nonexistent to extremely blatant. I have been to establishments where the attitude was definitely not just friendly bloke-y camaraderie, by any stretch of the imagination. I would certainly never put a woman down just because she felt uncomfortable with her mate going to such an establishment, although I don't think the place the OP was referencing is quite the same, sounds more like some kind of burlesque place.

 

I still think the fact that he misled her for so long about the nature of the establishment is distressing. It would be a red flag for me.

 

I am a passionate person, nothing else. My overall point is this is about trying to control people, to either directly tell or guilt trip a loved one into stopping doing something they enjoy. This is what I detest in life. Control is usually about fear and reigning things in for being scared of the consequences.

 

If this mans friends all still go to this establishment, is he to stop going because his wife/gf (I am talking anyone in this scenario) is too insecure to handle him being around other naked women? Presuming these are good friends/or long time friends, is the man to give up part of himself when just as easily the woman could just trust him.

 

This is about trust and being secure in the relationship.

Edited February 10, 2011 by depplover_1980

[depplover_1980]

I mean it, let's get married! You've got 8 years on me, but I can work with that.

 

Can we have seperate houses though and hook up twice a week?

[Ay Diesel T]

Can we have seperate houses though and hook up twice a week?

 

Oh yes!

[AverageJoe]

Sorry but fearing your guy being around naked women is down to insecurity. Not one time did I say my view was superior, if you felt it was then that's your issue.

 

I fully realise not all men are in to strip clubs, but they are the ones who have been hammered down by their moaning women at home!! Kidding.

 

Some grow out of this phase, some men are loners as I predominantly am and have no need for group 'guy' time. There is sleaze everywhere hidden in all walks, but it is predominantly down to trust. Pure and simple.

 

This.

 

 

I am even willing to go out on a limb and say she may have knew this going in with an expectation of change.

 

As was summed it up earlier. Time for you to re-evaluate your relationship. The relationship, not him.

[depplover_1980]

Oh yes!

 

Deal then but you must know I appreciate effort and romantic gestures, seeing as respect is given so freely and all.

[Ay Diesel T]

Deal then but you must know I appreciate effort and romantic gestures, seeing as respect is given so freely and all.

 

Of course my dear It would be a crime not to be a romantic with you.

[O'Malley]

This isn't about control, it's about compatibility. I'm acquainted with a woman who has been both a house girl and a feature and worked elsewhere in the adult industry. Sure, there are guys who go to these clubs for the window shopping and act normal, but I've heard enough first hand accounts about customers who have bitten/spat at/put a cigarette out on/stalked and generally harassed the dancers. It's not always about insecurity about the workers.

 

I read that the OP is upset about his misleading her in the first place and that she's bothered by his attitudes towards women. He probably should have been honest in the first place, because it does make you wonder if he's mislead her about anything else, so the OP should decide whether she can accept his habits or not.