Cheated out of a Sex Life......

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Had to move this to the proper section Marriage and Life Partnerships to where it belongs and where there will be the best responses (imo).

 

 

I posted my story in one of the other forums and received very few replies. I thought maybe some folks here might have some experience or advice for my particular situation.

 

I have been with my wife for 25+ years and we will celebrate being married for 21 of those later this year. I still love her more than ever and consider her to be the one I was supposed to be with. We are the average couple, both professionals, middle class lifestyle, two teenaged sons, cat, and dog etc,,, We had been married 5 years when my wife at the age of 26 had some inappropriate contact with the 21 year old male half of a couple we hung out with. I say inappropriate only because I do not know all the details. Wife admitted they kissed and made out. The wife of the other couple always seemed to have knowledge that more went on. I forgave, eventually forgot, and we moved on. Needless to say the other couple were no longer an option to hang out with.

 

Throughout our marriage, we have experienced the ups and downs that I think most all relationships go through sexually. There were months we were going at it 3 to 4 times a week and that would be followed by periods where there would be 6 or 7 weeks without making love. Eventually, the slow times began to stretch longer until by the time she was around 34 we were down to once a month as the norm. There were the usual suspects like headaches, too tired, not feeling well, choose your reason, as to why she wasn't in the mood. Her work in the medical field could be stressful at times so I would back off and let her be. But it would still bother me as to why an otherwise healthy woman of 34 was having such a major drop in labido. I began to notice my wife would almost go out of her way to avoid being in situations that involved us being alone. Almost as if she feared being alone (you folks with kids know what I mean) and something sexual happening.

 

I began to look at myself for answers to solve the riddle. Was it me? Was I doing something wrong? Was I good enough? If I was truly ringing her bell, wouldn't she be wanting me all the time? Yes, I did start watching her a little closer since there was that past issue. One Saturday morning I was gathering the household trash and while emptying the trash from her bathroom I discovered an empty Lexapro box. Inside was the precautionary insert as with most medicines. I put the insert away and made no mention of it. Upon researching this medicine and why it would be in my house, I discovered it is used for, among many things, treating anxiety and depression. Printed plainly on the insert were the side effect warnings the medicine is known for. Two of the top listed were decreased sex drive and inability to orgasm (anorgasmia). Since neither my wife or I have ever been diagnosed or even suspected of having anxiety or depression, the mystery deepened.

 

I spoke to my wife about the box and she explained they were hers. She said some days at work were so crazy she just wanted to scream. Her Nurse Practicianer friend gave her some free samples to see if they would help. She wasn't taking them everyday but just when she needed to take the edge off of an extra stressful day. I was still concerned about the nonchalantness of taking such a strong medicine "merely to take the edge off". I spoke to a high school friend who is a drug rep and he explained that Lexapro was the latest rage in the medical community and were freely used by medical personnel to the extent that they are nicknmaed "chill pills".

 

A few days later my wife and I had a discussion that eventually went on into a full argument about this medicine. After I finally made my point about the side effects (not just sexual ones either) she agreed to stop taking them.

 

I trusted her to stop the meds and as far as I could tell she did. Things slowly began to improve at home and I was thankful to have my wife back.

 

Gradually we began to slip back into the rut again. My wife had changed clinics and I knew was working hard to establish herself with a new group and new ways of doing the everyday responsibilities of her job. One thing I will mention here is privacy. My wife and I have this strange thing that we don't know when or why we truly started it but that is our personal privacy. She does not go into my wallet and I do not go into her purse. Is simply a respect thing with us. Just the way it has been for us as long as we can remember.

 

She is in the shower one morning and I need her keys to move her suv. She told me to grab them from her purse. I said no but she insisted and sounded rather annoyed so I did. There was a box of meds in there beside her keys called Pristiq. I did the amateur detective thing again and found it to be a different pharmaceutical company's version of Lexapro and with the same damn side effects!

 

I immediately confronted her. My wife then told me she had been depressed for years and had to have them to function. I simply asked when was she diagnosed as depressed. Three different inquiries have yielded three different stories. She has refused to give them up.

 

I feel betrayed. Yes just as much as I would if it were another man. My wife has willingly traded OUR healthy sex life for HER chill pills. I was never given a chance to express an opinion or anything else on a matter that affects the both of us. My self esteem has suffered. I am hurt and angry at her for this betrayal. It hurts that she would so willingly trade away our closeness.

 

If she had been legitimately diagnosed by competent medical examination as being depressed it would have been one thing. But she never has. For the past 5 years my wife has led me to believe she was pre-menopausal to explain away and mask the side effects of her chill pills. A recent blood test proved she was nowhere near menopause. Her beliefs are based on her family medical history. Her Mom suffered pre-menopause, so my wife must as well. Her Father's family suffers depression in the older years, so my wife must be guaranteed to as well and has to be treated now. Yet she refuses to agree to accompany me to a specialist for diagnosis, choosing rather to continue to self medicate.

 

I want my wife back. Not the one who gets on Facebook as soon as she gets home from work, goes to bed by 7 PM each night only to be up at 2 and 3 AM back on Facebook until 15 minutes before the alarm clock goes off, not the woman who never wants home cooked meals anymore, who could care less how the house looks.

 

I love her to death but am at my wits end. Anyone else ever experienced anything like this? Sorry this has been such a long post.

Edited February 9, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Hanther]

On my phone so can't respond the way I would like to. Here it is as brief as I can make it:

 

1) The facebook thing sounds like an EA at the very least.

 

2) Counseling or divorce. Give her that ultimatum. Neither of you will improve without one or the other.

[notsure15]

how old r u both now?

sex drive decreases

i would want answers also

love goes both ways, if you can't feel satisfied you both need to address the issue, just like you both need to address the depression or compulsive behaviour. good luck

[Pawi]

While I've never experienced anything like this before I would be willing to say there are some deeper emotional issues at hand. If she absolutely feels like she needs the medication so much so that she's needs it more then she actively needs a balanced sex life then something is wrong.

 

At this point it's hard to say if it's mental illness, hormonal changes, relationship issues, etc. I would tell her that you are concerned about her and because you love her and want to make sure that she's feeling her best (and as a side effect wants to have a balanced sexual life with you) that you need her to go see a therapist and try both talking it out and looking at what medication would be correct for what is going on for her.

 

You may need to up your sensitivity because while it feels to you like your sex life has been stolen it sounds like for her something is emotionally taking a toll and feels wrong. I can't imagine that she's simply taking these medications to 'chill'. Something is wrong, if you love her and ever want to have a good sexual relationship with her you'll try to help her figure out what it is that is causing the need for these pills.

[AVR1962]

As I read your post I could see you were clueless but I also felt your wife's pain. Husband and I have been together 22 years and as you described I too have become depressed, there's a HUGE lack of intimacy in our relationship, been going without sex for 6 months at a time.

 

I don't know you or your wife but what I can tell you is it does sound familiar. To start, your way of looking at initamcy is probably different than hers. Just like a plant needs TLC to grow, so does your wife. Those endearing comments and gestures of love that you once gave her before you married is probably what she is missing to be able to want to make a sexual connection. She has to feel special/loved/wanted (not just for sex) by you in order for her to want to be with you.

 

It's actually pretty simple but if you don't understand what she needs, her needs aren't being met, your needs will not be met either. What I can tell you from my lady friends and I talking you might be able to find some acceptions but if you really think that someone else is going to be different you are going to create a whole new mess in another relationship.

[LittleTiger]

TDP, I feel for you. This situation is tough but I don't believe anything is unsolvable. You are constantly seeking answers and I do admire that. I wonder though what action you have taken so far to rectify things. Whatever you have done, it clearly isn't working so, if you really want results, it's time to do something radically different. What are you prepared to do to fix things?

 

Your post gives a lot of information, but the timeframe isn't clear. You say there's been a problem since she was 34. So I assume she's 46 (the same age I am) and this problem started 12 years ago. Have you been unhappy with your sex life all that time, or have there been periods when things have been good? If so, when and for how long and was it only at times when you knew she wasn't on the meds?

 

This post has also highlighted, in my mind, more than just the issue of your sex life. Three major issues in fact.

 

You seem to have an illusion of trust where in reality you know that she has lied and 'cheated' in the past. Your trust in her isn't absolute, but on the surface you play this little 'I trust you completely' game of 'personal privacy'.

 

I do understand that some people like to keep personal things 'private' but I don't understand how you can do that in a marriage. In my marriage we had open access to each other's 'stuff' and in my current relationship we're even more open than that. We both have each other's computer passwords for everything, I check his emails because he rarely has time, we use each other's phones and borrow each other's wallets - because we have nothing to hide.

 

Maybe you feel that if you have nothing to hide there's no reason to have 'open access'. However if you compare a marriage to a business partnership, how long would the business last if the partners weren't sharing information - if they never had meetings to discuss progress and their personal offices and filing systems were private? I know you've made it 'last' so far for 25 years, but how successful has it honestly been if you feel cheated.

 

You have found something you didn't want to see both times you had access to her purse, and she has 'cheated' in the past, so I don't blame you if you didn't want to invade her privacy. You were 'forced' to look and now you know something you didn't want to know ie she's still not being honest with you. If she's not being honest with you, what are the implications then for her not wanting sex? Is there something else behind it, or is it just the meds?

 

So her lack of honesty and trust within your marriage is one issue that you need to address.

 

The second issue is, of course, her lack of interest in sex which it seems likely is due to the medication. Does she really need the meds? If she does, then the lack of libido is a tough one to overcome.

 

The third issue issue is, if she really doesn't need the meds then what is her motivation for taking them?

 

I suffered from depression many years ago and taking meds definitely decreased my sex drive and made it difficult to orgasm. When my marriage ended and I almost had a breakdown, I refused to take meds because of this side effect. I wasn't planning to rush out and have sex with anyone but one of the few pleasures left to me at that time was my orgasm and I sure as hell wasn't going to let anything take that away too.

 

I became depressed again about 6 months ago and my doctor wanted to put me on anti-Ds. Again, I refused, because my sex life is too important. It is important, not just from a physical satisfaction perspective, but because the right kind of intimacy is vital to maintaining my current relationship in its present form. As it turned out I had a specific medical problem and depression was one of the symptoms so I'm now being treated with the right meds and my sex drive is intact.

 

My point in telling you this is to illustrate that, if your wife is self-medicating and losing her libido because of it, she doesn't appear to value your sex life and she isn't concerned about the level of intimacy between you. In fact, it suggests that she doesn't value sex or her own sexuality at all. So far, it's had no major impact on her life. Whether it does now, or in the future, is up to you.

 

The only way you're going to find out the answers to these questions is by sitting down with her and having a good long talk. Obviously, how that might work depends on the dynamics of your relationship. Maybe you can insist on going with her to see her doctor regarding the medication. She may be self-medicating but perhaps you can persuade her that you see her health as a joint issue, like everything in a marriage should be.

 

The difficulty you might have, from things you've said here on LS, is that she may see this desire of yours to fix things as being all about your sex life - and if that's your only motivation for getting things sorted, or if that's how she perceives it, you're going to be faced with another brick wall.

 

You can take a risk on forcing some major changes in your marriage or you can just talk around this subject for another 5 years and make it to your 30th anniversary feeling just as cheated as you do now.

[giotto]

If she is taking the meds, then she needs them. Your story is pretty similar to mine. My wife started taking ADs about 10 years ago, not for depression (according to her), but for repetitive/recurrent thoughts and anxiety, but I do believe she is depressed too. Unlike your wife, she's been to her GP and she goes regularly.

 

She didn't tell me at the beginning she was taking them. We didn't discuss it, it was entirely her choice. Needless to say, our sex life plunged and it's still pretty crap now. I felt betrayed too.

 

If you wife needs the meds and keeps returning to them, it's the sign of a deep issue. Whatever that is, it won't be solved easily. I'd like my wife back too. All she does is work and sleep these days. She says she sleeps to avoid thinking about her issues. Our relationship - physical and emotional - is a wreck. She can just about cope with herself and the children. My needs don't exist anymore. I'm sure your wife loves you. My wife tells me she loves me. I believe her. But it's a difficult situation, because you are not in control and there is very little you can do about it. I was angry for a very long time. Mem says she is being selfish - and she is - but she is coping with an illness. You need to get your wife properly assessed and then take it from there. I can't be angry with her anymore, because now I know and she's confessed the whole story to me. But I'm upset she hid the seriousness of her issues to me - her husband - for such a long time. But I've come to accept it. You need to be patient and try and see the situation objectively. It won't be easy. But remember: she is your wife and she is obviously suffering... talk to her and get professional help.

[giotto]

 

My point in telling you this is to illustrate that, if your wife is self-medicating and losing her libido because of it, she doesn't appear to value your sex life and she isn't concerned about the level of intimacy between you. In fact, it suggests that she doesn't value sex or her own sexuality at all. So far, it's had no major impact on her life. Whether it does now, or in the future, is up to you.

 

I just wanted to add a little to this. If you have major problems going on in your life, to the point where you need to take ADs, I can assure you sex is the last thing in you mind - and you probably know, because you've been on ADs too. She is having sex with her husband because she has to. To keep him there. To keep him happy. Unfortunately, it's not enough. Maybe I'm being harsh, but she is doing the bare minimum to keep her marriage going. What's hurting TDP is the lies and the cheating, not involving him in the decision, like every couple should do. This is devastating, because you don't feel important enough to be involved in your own wife's problems. ADs are a horrible thing. Yes, they help you to go through the periods of deep depression, but the side effects are horrendous. I know too, because I've been taking them too. I felt suicidal about our marriage, our life together, and it all came to a head two years ago, with the divorce thing and counselling. She finally admitted it was her fault. But she was ill. Well, thank you for 10 years of hell.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Re-read the Op and realize the confusion.... Oops!!!! This story is another poster and I transferred his thread to where it best belongs to the Marriage & Life Partnership section. While his story does strike a chord as it hits many points close to us with similar issues, I and other I expect do empathize with it.

[Distant78]

Re-read the Op and realize the confusion.... Oops!!!! This story is another poster and I transferred his thread to where it best belongs to the Marriage & Life Partnership section. While his story does strike a chord as it hits many points close to us with similar issues, I and other I expect do empathize with it.

 

It wasn't your right to move his story for your liking. Obviously he posted it over there for a reason.

[TaraMaiden]

You're a Moderator....??

 

Nice to know.....

[LittleTiger]

I just wanted to add a little to this. If you have major problems going on in your life, to the point where you need to take ADs, I can assure you sex is the last thing in you mind - and you probably know, because you've been on ADs too.

 

Well, I guess I could be the one and only person on the planet who is wired this way, but when I was clinically depressed, often suicidal and under the care of a psychiatric nurse (many years ago) the one and only thing I wanted was intimacy. To be touched, stroked and hugged by the man I loved and to be as physically and emotionally close to him as possible - which usually led to sex in some form.

 

I know that may not be normal but it's how I am and no doubt there is some deep psychological reason for it. I'm no longer depressed but when I'm sad I still crave physical touch and intimacy. Anyway, that's just me and it shows you can't assume anything about other people based on the usual expectations of behaviour.

 

My understanding of the OPs situation, from what he wrote, is that he doesn't know for sure why his wife is taking the medication. Maybe she is genuinely depressed (although I'd be surprised if he hadn't noticed some significant changes in behaviour from her mood changes), or maybe she has just become emotionally dependent on the drugs. Whatever the reason, she is not being open or fair. It's impossible to know what her motivation is unless he can get her to spill the beans..........and as he can't really trust her word, they have a huge problem.

 

(I just previewed this and saw your post TDP - oops indeed - so I've taken your name out of it. Can't alter my first one though. Who is the OP then? Would be nice to hear from him. Bit naughty TDP - slapped wrist )

[giotto]

Re-read the Op and realize the confusion.... Oops!!!! This story is another poster and I transferred his thread to where it best belongs to the Marriage & Life Partnership section. While his story does strike a chord as it hits many points close to us with similar issues, I and other I expect do empathize with it.

 

well, I'm happy for you... not for the OP, though... I thought it was a bit strange, since you never mentioned any of this stuff before...

Edited February 10, 2011 by giotto

[giotto]

Well, I guess I could be the one and only person on the planet who is wired this way, but when I was clinically depressed, often suicidal and under the care of a psychiatric nurse (many years ago) the one and only thing I wanted was intimacy. To be touched, stroked and hugged by the man I loved and to be as physically and emotionally close to him as possible - which usually led to sex in some form.

 

maybe you are! When I was depressed because my wife was depressed, I turned into myself. But then my problem was the only person who could solve the problem...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You're a Moderator....??

 

Nice to know.....

 

Just thought this may be a better place for answers. Some people do not jump from different areas on LS and stick to some sections. I for one generally spend almost all my time on Marriage & Life Partnerships, which resonates with me. I may go and post in other areas, but I certainly do not read all posts in those areas and generally it is the title of the post in other sections that will draw my interest as to whether I will read it.

 

The OP appeared in the infidelity forum, which while the OP mentioned a situation years back I felt would be better served and different perspectives here.....

 

Sorry if I seem to offend you that I moved this.....

Edited February 10, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[carhill]

Original thread

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

Thank you all for all the kind and heartfelt replies to my issue.

 

I will try to answer some questions and clarify some things I maybe didn't make real clear on my original post. As best I can tell, my wife's starting the AD's seem to coincide directly around the time of changing jobs. Since I was never included in the loop, the best guess I can muster is when she was 33-34 years of age. She is currently 41. I am 44. So this has been going on for the last 7-8 years of our marriage.

 

Due to the secrecy involved, I really had no choice in the order things were revealed to me once I discovered the AD's. Initially, she told me they were there just for when she was having a bad day and needed to take the edge off. In looking back now, my concerns were dismissed by my wife and her friend the nurse practitioner. I felt like I was being dismissed with a pat on the head and my wife's attitude took a tone of her and her friend being medical people and me not understanding.

 

Every evening at home she was full of excitement and stories to tell about her new job. There was nothing to suggest back then the story she recently told me of a demanding boss, back-stabbing co-workers and on the verge of screaming half the day. For several reasons, I discounted the major drop in sex drive to other factors. New job, her putting the extra effort into establishing herself there, the natural ebb and flow of our sexual frequency that had always existed in our marriage, and just simply bad timing. I have never wanted my wife to have sex with me because I wanted it, rather I want HER to want sex with me. When our sexlife began to go south, I backed off asking for it. Firstly, getting tired of hearing no, and secondly, guilting a woman into sex is pathetic.

 

My wife and I are both easy going. Neither of us are controlling. We had always been partners. It was us against the world. I don't hate her, even after all this. I am still affectionate with her. I know she still loves me and she says she knows I love her. I think that is why her deception with the AD's has hurt like it has. The fact that there is something that has come between us that we can't communicate about and that it has grown to affect other parts of our marriage is sobering. It has made me question just how close we really are and if there are other things she has kept from me. The sexual issue caused me to intially doubt myself and what it could be that I was doing wrong. Since my wife is no longer at that high stress job and is settled into a much more laid back and sedate facility, her original reason for needing the meds is no longer valid. Yet she continues to take them, at least openly now and no longer in secret. I have wondered many times if maybe our marriage is what is driving her to this and that is what she is keeping from me.

 

Let me also add that I know depression is a real illness. I in no way mean to imply I am discounting its existance. My wife's story seems to imply more of a situational stress condition than depression. No one, not even her friend who prescribed the meds, has ever diagnosed my wife with depression. If she is truly depressed, then it is something we can and will deal with. If the meds were simply to make is possible for her to function at a well paying but crappy job because everyone else does it, then I want at least the decency to know that too.

[milkmaterial]

its easy to obtain esp if you work in the hospital. there are times when u just need them though.

have u tried taking her out to dinner, get a haircut and buy a new cologne.

shes still young, im sure she isnt in a menopausal stage where she doesnt feel like doing it.

try to get her a spa treatment, or a massage. she needs to relax. get rid of these chill pills. i work in the medical industry myself and i have always hated taking pills of any sort. there is always gonna be a price to pay in the future.

[giotto]

well, until she gets diagnosed, you are in stalemate. If she gets diagnosed with depression, then at least you'll know and you'll be able to deal with. Funnily enough, my wife's "depression" started with her new job too... she's changed her job now (well, about 5 years ago), because she hated it, but she seems to be worse! She's tried to stop them - and she went back being the way she used to be, and the sex too! - but she says that she can't live without them...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

its easy to obtain esp if you work in the hospital. there are times when u just need them though.

have u tried taking her out to dinner, get a haircut and buy a new cologne.

shes still young, im sure she isnt in a menopausal stage where she doesnt feel like doing it.

try to get her a spa treatment, or a massage. she needs to relax. get rid of these chill pills. i work in the medical industry myself and i have always hated taking pills of any sort. there is always gonna be a price to pay in the future.

 

But these are superficial and the stuff we have read over and over about in terms of what to do to kick-start sex drives. It is drivel after the original lust wears off (especially in 20+ year relationships). Does it hurt? I don't know, but I can assure you if surprising your spouse with an expensive, thoughtful gift or weekend away doesn't work, a haircut/shoes/flowers will do absolutely nothing. I used to call foreplay a 168 (or 336) hour job......

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

Goingstrong, you have it mostly correct. My wife is obtaining the meds legally by prescription. Her best friend is a nurse practitioner and writes the scripts for her. Finally was able to get her off the the Lexapro only to find several months later she was taking Pristiq, which is basically the same thing only made by a different company. Same side effects. Let me add that the meds were not prescribed after a complete diagnosis but were written after a simple conversation about needing something to take the edge off of wanting to jump out of her skin.

 

My wife no longer works with the best friend or the job that supposedly she needed the meds for. Yet is still taking them daily. I question my wife's need for these meds simply because she will not consider seeing an M.D. nor consider a medication such as Welbutrin or similar med that won't contain all the dangerous side effects. My feelings are that a competent physician would be able to treat her entire illness, if there is one, with a well rounded program of counseling, information and additional medications to offset some of the side effects inherent in of most anti-depressants. Her current treatment (self medicating) involves taking a pill and it simply makes everything alright. NOT!

Edited February 10, 2011 by MarriedGuyNTennessee

[Distant78]

You're a Moderator....??

 

Nice to know.....

 

Yes I am thank you.

[giotto]

Dang, can I use that excuse with the cops when I take up heroin?

 

 

It might be an excuse but they are helping them to cope and they are legal. Your attempt to sarcasm is quite lame... It's not heroin. OP, find out why she is taking them - honest, frank talk - and then take it from there. Otherwise you are just assuming stuff and that's not healthy, for your head. No reasonable, intelligent person takes drugs just for the sake of it. She might be dependent, or she might not be. Get talking...

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

Thanks, giotto! I am going to have to do something totally out of character for my wife and me. That is to simply set an appointment and get her there no matter how she fights me on it. Too much life left to live for both of us to stay mired down in this current situation.

[mbm69]

I responded to you in the other forum... Please go and read. I'm attempting to make amends.