UnderAttack Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Please can someone help ? I am a 52 year old woman and have been with my partner for 25 years. 5 years ago I had an affair. The main affair was for 3 months in 2005, but there was intermittent text and email contact until 2009. After reading many pages here I decided that it was better that my partner knew what had been going on so he could make the choice to stay or go, so I told him on 3 Jan 2011. You can imagine life since then. We have had "good" days, where we cling to each other and cry, we have bad days when he shouts and shouts, throwing things around, pushing me around. I have missed so much work. I have started counselling, but he is not interested. We have been stuck in this cycle of sadness and rage, maybe 12 hors of each maybe 48hours of each, round and round, day after day for 6 weeks. We are trying to stick together - 25 years is a long time, but this cycle is killing us both and we can't break it. Does it ever stop? Can I make it stop sooner? I destroyed my partner's life, and he needs help now so any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I hate to tell you this but - without professional counselling, this is going nowhere. Whereas the affair was patently your fault - the responsibility for maintaining a healthy, balanced and happy relationship is joint. Both of you need to be working towards rebuilding this. You should both be committed to it 100%. You can't fix him, and you can't fix this, on your own. It's either professional counselling - or this is never going away.
What_Next Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 For what it's worth I don't consider counseling the be all and end all. My wife had an affair, then we seperated, I got involved with someone else, now we are trying again. We had tried marriage counciling before and it was a failure and we are doing it now with the same results. I am not saying marriage counseling is not for everyone, but it doesn't do squat for us. Now, I can say that it is going to take YEARS to get back to any sense of normal. That doesn't mean things will continue like they are though. One that that is a massive red flag is you say he is pushing you? Um physical violence of any sort is just plain unacceptable. I urge you to address this right away. Others will chime in on other aspects.
Summer Breeze Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Tell you what... you don't deserve advice you god damn cheater. Although i'm going to provide some as I feel sorry for your husband. Talk to him about getting some professional help where you can all sit down together and let your feelings out. OP ignore this ignorant post. Everyone deserves help and advice. You are trying to do right now and you should be commended for it. You made a mistake and now you're trying to put things back together. Well done to you and as soon as I'm done posting this I'm reporting the post from Finlay. Something I've never done before actually. I've never done counselling but I can't imagine getting through this minefield without someone to guide you. I know someone on here said it didn't work for them but the thing is they tried. Your H really needs to try it. If it doesn't work then fair enough but at least try. I am worried about you. I'm going from memory. You said he pushed you around? Do not let him do that. End of. Don't stay where you're in harms way.
carhill Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 OP, welcome to LS Was your affair emotional (EA), physical (PA), or both? How disclosed is your partner? TBH, and I've been there and done that, you'll know more in another year. If your partner is unwilling to accept counseling, go without him and work on yourself. At some point, and setting timelines is a part of counseling, he will either need to accept the past and work towards a healthy future, or let go of the relationship and proceed on his own. For him, evidently, that will occur exclusive of counseling. The same goes for you. Ask him very simply: 'what do you need right now?' Listen. Take it one day at a time. Best wishes
Albertan Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 How long? Months, Maybe even forever...... At some point your husband will have to make a decision whether he can forgive (not forget) and move on. Yes you can make it stop sooner by being 100% honest, accepting that he probably will ask the same question over and over again, by being sincere and being regretful and by proving to him that it will never happen again. I could never understand my own need to learn all the details, stuff that hurt me in ways I couldn't imagine, yet talking about it, getting to the nitty gritty eventually did help rebuild trust. It also helped me understand why it had happened and what I could do to ensure it didn't happen again (that took quite some time though). What dragged it out was when I had nagging questions that wouldn't go away or my wife assured me I knew everything and then later new information came to light that threw me right back to square one. It is going to take a lot of patience and time on both your parts and while I know its been six weeks of hell for you and for him there is still a long way to go. Counseling may help (too many on these boards seem to think MC fixes everything but it does not), but giving him space, giving him reasons to trust you and both of you making the effort to "fix" things is really the only way. You talk about the good days/bad days but what if anything has changed in your marriage? Are you talking more, are you still intimate? Is he demanding access to your emails, texts, personal records?
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Please can someone help ? I am a 52 year old woman and have been with my partner for 25 years. 5 years ago I had an affair. The main affair was for 3 months in 2005, but there was intermittent text and email contact until 2009. After reading many pages here I decided that it was better that my partner knew what had been going on so he could make the choice to stay or go, so I told him on 3 Jan 2011. You can imagine life since then. We have had "good" days, where we cling to each other and cry, we have bad days when he shouts and shouts, throwing things around, pushing me around. I have missed so much work. I have started counselling, but he is not interested. We have been stuck in this cycle of sadness and rage, maybe 12 hors of each maybe 48hours of each, round and round, day after day for 6 weeks. We are trying to stick together - 25 years is a long time, but this cycle is killing us both and we can't break it. Does it ever stop? Can I make it stop sooner? I destroyed my partner's life, and he needs help now so any advice would be appreciated. Thanks The bolded is a NO-NO! He does not have the right to touch you at all. I get anger and rage, I don't get acting it out on another person. Counseling is good, but you need to let him know in no uncertain terms that you will call the police if you are touched again. His life has been turned upside down, there is no way to make some one get over that faster than they are ready to heal. But if he isn't interested in counseling..he isn't ready to heal and you both are wasting your time. If you have agreed to stay and work on the relationship, that means you both are working. But there is a new poster on here who told his wife he forgave her and now he abuses her by screwing around. Think about that and decide if that is what you want.
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I am a 52 year old woman and have been with my partner for 25 years. 5 years ago I had an affair. The main affair was for 3 months in 2005, but there was intermittent text and email contact until 2009. No such thing as "the main affair." You cheated for four years. That's a long time. Years and years of lies and betrayal. After reading many pages here I decided that it was better that my partner knew what had been going on so he could make the choice to stay or go, so I told him on 3 Jan 2011. So it took you two years or so just to tell your husband what you did? That's even worse. How do you expect to remain married after you did this? For real, I'm not trying to bash you but it's a serious question. You can imagine life since then. I sure can. We have had "good" days, where we cling to each other and cry, we have bad days when he shouts and shouts, throwing things around, pushing me around. I have missed so much work. Now I agree that he shouldn't touch you, but look what you've done to the man. A total of six years of just plain disrespect will have a grave affect on a person. I have started counselling, but he is not interested. I don't blame him. I wouldn't either. After what you did to him, he has the right to refuse to go to some shrink who tells him how he made you cheat. We have been stuck in this cycle of sadness and rage, maybe 12 hors of each maybe 48hours of each, round and round, day after day for 6 weeks. Yup, and it's NOTHING compared to what you've put this man through. You vowed to love him forever and you cheated on him for four years, and that's not even including how long it took you to finally tell him. We are trying to stick together - 25 years is a long time, but this cycle is killing us both and we can't break it. No it's killing him, not you. The pain you have is small compared to the pain he has. Does it ever stop? Can I make it stop sooner? Really? You're going to continue to be impatient after what you did to your husband? The only way to make this stop is to pull the plug on the marriage, which I highly recommend. He's going to need years to be even able to cope with this. I destroyed my partner's life, and he needs help now so any advice would be appreciated. You want advice? You should probably divorce. Too much pain has been caused but in the meantime you need to tell him to never hit you again but you will listen to him and answer every question he has regarding your affair. Thanks No problem.
Author UnderAttack Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Thanks to everyone for their replies. A few answers: We aren't married (but 25 years together); It was a sexual affair for 9 weeks in 2005, intermittent contact since then mostly text and email, but about 5 face-to-face contacts in 2006 and 2007. On one of he visits is 2006 we had sex. My counsellor suggested joint counselling and recommended someone - he still refuses to go. and finally... it may be over anyway as his bags are packed. He was going to leave last night but in the end decided to stay till we had had another chance to talk tonight.
Author UnderAttack Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I forgot to say - he has passwords and all access to my work and personal emails, to my facebook page and to my cell phone. I know he accesses them all every day. He also took my phone and deleted all contacts he didn't like and didn't want me to phone (mostly work colleagues).
Distant78 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Thanks to everyone for their replies. A few answers: We aren't married (but 25 years together); It was a sexual affair for 9 weeks in 2005, intermittent contact since then mostly text and email, but about 5 face-to-face contacts in 2006 and 2007. On one of he visits is 2006 we had sex. My counsellor suggested joint counselling and recommended someone - he still refuses to go. and finally... it may be over anyway as his bags are packed. He was going to leave last night but in the end decided to stay till we had had another chance to talk tonight. It will be best if he just left. Better for everyone. He never deserved this.
Binster Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Just wondered what you would have thought if he'd have said "ah it's ok not a big deal".
Chi townD Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 One thing that you have to keep in mind that your affair happened 5 years ago. But, this discovery for him feels like it just happened. I agree with most, if you want to continue to have a relationship with this guy, marriage counseling is a must. Yeah, I know you guy aren't married, but after 25 years you might as well be.
freestyle Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 One thing that you have to keep in mind that your affair happened 5 years ago. But, this discovery for him feels like it just happened. I agree with most, if you want to continue to have a relationship with this guy, marriage counseling is a must. Yeah, I know you guy aren't married, but after 25 years you might as well be. This is exactly what I was thinking since I read the OP. OP, it's very important to acknowledge this.....from YOUR point of view, the affair's over, you're ready to move on and put it behind you. In your H's reality, he just had a BOMB dropped on him. He needs to process this at his own pace..not according to what timetable is convenient for you.He has to go through all the necessary stages of the grieving process, and decide whether or not to remain with you. If your H gets the slightest whiff that you're trying to rush him along, and sweep everything under the rug, it's very likely to compound his feelings of resentment. I think it's a good idea to let HIS feelings come first right now, especially after they were disregarded for the duration of your affair.That doesn't mean you have to tolerate abuse, however, I agree with the other posters wholeheartedly on that. just allow your husband to feel his pain without minimizing, marginalizing, invalidating, blameshifting, or feeling hurried by you.It's the most healing thing you could do for him right now.
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