I am the WS...

[Mimolicious]

Maybe I am the one who should be set free. My parents and friends have always wondered why I worked so hard at reconciling 3 years ago.

 

 

Yeah I wonder too?! GIRL!!!!!! Why have you been giving so much???? From what you are saying, sounds like your H is too comfortable and likes the sugarmomma in you.

 

On a serious note, get your little duckies lined up look into your legal options. Set yourself free from the bottom-feeder that you just illustrated.

 

On the affair part- Another one bites the FB dust! I believe you can't tell 'good' if you havent met 'bad' but just be careful. People get caught up in the heat of the passion and forget that there is whole lot more reality to a R, more than random meetings, cyber life and just the gloss of it all. Also, 20yrs is a long time and people change, now its just a matter or finding out if it was for the better or for worse. Boy! Didn't I have a bad experience with the one that "got away" back then. Wish I had left it alone. LOL! Better to know than always have to wonder though...

 

Good luck!

Edited February 9, 2011 by Mimolicious

[jessie's girl]

As an OW, I have to wonder why you stay and please do not use the "for the kids" excuse. That gets so old hearing this. IF those kids are so important to you, you wouldn't be in an affair (and this is what I tell my MM too!)

 

So set your partner free. Go be with the other man if he is what makes you happy.

[anne1707]

Depending where you live, common law is just as close as being married.

 

So are you saying that once you two split up, that's it? Everything is yours and he gets nothing, even though you two have been a partnership for so many years and have kids together?

 

 

That's how it works here in England and other countries too

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage

 

Support for children though is a different matter

[mbm69]

Right now, where I am if you are common law, your spouse has no rights to anything financial unless it was specified in a common law 'contract'. We do not have that. We have that planned next week actually... because and I feel so ****ty saying this. We were in the process of buying a company with some associates. And since I will be putting in the investment in its entirety, he wanted to make sure that if we were to separate that I would'nt ask him to reimburse it.

 

My only obligation to him is child support. But I had already decided that I'm leaving him part of the sale from the house if we ever sold it. And he does have about 50k in a retirement account in his name (which I invested in). But in exchange, in our contract it will be stipulated that there will be no spousal support. He needs to pull his own weight.

 

Someone mentionned earlier that this 'affair' has just brought to the surface all that was wrong with this relationship.

[Mimolicious]

As an OW, I have to wonder why you stay and please do not use the "for the kids" excuse. That gets so old hearing this. IF those kids are so important to you, you wouldn't be in an affair (and this is what I tell my MM too!)

 

So set your partner free. Go be with the other man if he is what makes you happy.

 

 

So why are you in an A? Let me guess... You're not the one that made promises to his W. Ok, JG. It sounds a bit 2faced to say such thing and by no means am I trying to start with you but read what you wrote.

[jessie's girl]

So why are you in an A? Let me guess... You're not the one that made promises to his W. Ok, JG. It sounds a bit 2faced to say such thing and by no means am I trying to start with you but read what you wrote.

 

Why am I in it? Good question.

 

Young, naive, inexperienced, trusting

 

Yes, I realize what I wrote may sound hypocritical. But I am specifically telling the original poster to leave the relationship if she is so unhappy. I have never been with anyone else besides MM. I met him, didn't know he was married at first, and then thought he must not be happy since he was with me. Before you know it, it has gone on years now with promises of leaving, etc. I have a good life. I have a great job, I do not rely on anyone else to pay my bills. I have great friends and a big family. My life is very full, except the one I love is with someone else. Sure if I waved my magic wand, I would make him single. I have choices to make, decisions to make. This is never where I thought I would be and I am not saying it is this great experience and everyone should do it. I know it is wrong. I know I am going to get burned. But, I love him and I have invested so much time with him. I know I need to walk away, but I haven't yet.

[desertIslandCactus]

Right now, where I am if you are common law, your spouse has no rights to anything financial unless it was specified in a common law 'contract'. We do not have that. We have that planned next week actually... because and I feel so ****ty saying this. We were in the process of buying a company with some associates. And since I will be putting in the investment in its entirety, he wanted to make sure that if we were to separate that I would'nt ask him to reimburse it.

 

My only obligation to him is child support. But I had already decided that I'm leaving him part of the sale from the house if we ever sold it. And he does have about 50k in a retirement account in his name (which I invested in). But in exchange, in our contract it will be stipulated that there will be no spousal support. He needs to pull his own weight.

 

Someone mentionned earlier that this 'affair' has just brought to the surface all that was wrong with this relationship.

 

If he has not made any payments on the house, it would be good if you didn't promise anything from the house till you see how badly his capabilities would be of soaking you on the separation.

 

Don't promise anything till you discuss further with attorney of your area.

Edited February 9, 2011 by desertIslandCactus

[Woman In Blue]

I was expected to go on as if nothing was wrong. When I tried to take time off from work, my spouse said that wouldn't be a good idea because we couldn't keep the same 'standard of living'.

Gosh, what a prince. Letting a woman support his sorry ass and he's such a selfish JERK that he wants the cash cow to continue bringing home the bacon REGARDLESS of how she feels or what she needs. On that basis ALONE, his worthless ass would have been shoved out the door.

 

So, this old flame comes into the picture, and I am completely enamored by him. He is everything my spouse is not. He is careful with money, he cooks, he is financially independent. He is attentive. He WANTS to marry me. He is SINGLE (twice divorced, 2 kids, custody 1 weekend every 2 weeks). The only thing working against him is that he lives 150 miles away.

This sentence is very telling. Your SO thinks you're good enough to do his laundry, clean his house, cook his meals, support his loser ass financially and give birth to two of his kids - but you're NOT good enough to marry? I'm sorry, but I'll never understand why any woman would give a man children who doesn't think she's worthy of marrying. Screw that. And you obviously feel the same way I do or you wouldn't have mentioned the fact that your old flame WANTS to marry you. It's pretty apparent that your SO wants all the benefits of marriage but doesn't think enough of you to marry you. Again, that alone would have earned his ass a trip to the curb a long time ago - but I would have NEVER had his kids first before kicking his sorry ass out. But that's just me.

 

I had never thought of leaving my spouse because I have worked sooooo hard to keep my family intact. But I am seriously considering leaving him for this man I have rediscovered from my past.

Hell, I wouldn't need another guy waiting in the wings to dump your SO. Sounds to me like he's only in it for what you provide. He "helps" you pay for college for his OWN kids? What a loser. Seriously. L-O-S-E-R.

 

He would file for joint custody JUST to be able to quit his job to get more child support... I know, because that is what he did 3 years ago. He is the one who left back then. He is going to financially ruin me.

LOL. This jerk just keeps proving the "loser" title I've given him. Loser boy does NOTHING for the kids - oh yeah, he "helps" save for their college. I'd just love to see his worthless ass being a full time father. He'd probably last for about 3 days before begging you to take them back. And since he has no idea how to SAVE money, where's he going to get the money to pay a lawyer to sue you for any type of custody over and above the standard court-ordered custody? What a jack-hole.

 

And I'm scared that this man that I love will dump me again like he did 20 years ago. I would be financially ruined AND alone.

Please stop looking at this guy as your knight in shining armor. He shouldn't be your reason for dumping your worthless SO. Your SO's lack of character and utter disrespect for YOU and the kids should be the reason you're dumping his sorry ass. I would have given him a free kick to the curb ages ago.

[Woman In Blue]

I just wanted to thank you all for not telling me how selfish I am for feeling this way. This will help me find the strength to take a few first steps, logical steps to figure out what I have to do.

The ONLY selfish one is your SO - what you PROVIDE is more important to him than your well-being. I really DO hope you dump him yesterday.

[Mimolicious]

Why am I in it? Good question.

 

Young, naive, inexperienced, trusting

 

Yes, I realize what I wrote may sound hypocritical. But I am specifically telling the original poster to leave the relationship if she is so unhappy. I have never been with anyone else besides MM. I met him, didn't know he was married at first, and then thought he must not be happy since he was with me. Before you know it, it has gone on years now with promises of leaving, etc. I have a good life. I have a great job, I do not rely on anyone else to pay my bills. I have great friends and a big family. My life is very full, except the one I love is with someone else. Sure if I waved my magic wand, I would make him single. I have choices to make, decisions to make. This is never where I thought I would be and I am not saying it is this great experience and everyone should do it. I know it is wrong. I know I am going to get burned. But, I love him and I have invested so much time with him. I know I need to walk away, but I haven't yet.

 

 

You'll learn babygirl, you'll learn. At least you know and you will make the decision when you are ready. At least you have a good life. Most women who find themselves in this situation don't. I hope that you don't end up wasting time in the love department, you sound like a lovely gal. Hope there is a great available man in store for you that can make you his priority. Good luck & be strong, hone!

[mbm69]

Wow... Wow... I'm flabbergasted.

 

OM has dumped me for another woman. When I told him I was seriously thinking of leaving my spouse he freaked out and told me he had met someone else.

 

I can't believe I fell for him!!! I'm am crushed, and I feel like such a FOOL.

 

Thank goodness I didn't have sex with him... I am glad it didn't go further than that. But I have learned my lesson... never never EVER trust a man ever again.

[YellowShark]

When I told him I was seriously thinking of leaving my spouse he freaked out and told me he had met someone...

 

So much for his words expressing his true love for you!

 

But I have learned my lesson... never never EVER trust a man ever again.

 

It is ridiculous to paint all men with the same brush. Perhaps his past two failed marriages were not caused by what he said to you. Just saying'

Edited February 11, 2011 by YellowShark

[2sunny]

I think you are all right, I need to talk to a lawyer...

 

Just to make things clear. I am NOT married. We are in a a common law relationship. According to present law where I live, I wouldn't have to pay spousal support, just child support. I did consult a lawyer 3 years ago, so I know exactly how much I would have to pay if we had joint custody. If I had sole custody, HE would have to pay CS. The lawyer did tell me at the time that judges tended to favor joint custody. Especially when there is no 'problem' with either parent.

 

The house is MINE. The deed is under my name. He never paid anything in it. The retirement account is under my name, he wouldn't have acess to it either. Our bank accounts are separate and have always been separate.

 

i'm amazed when happiness in life comes down to a person's money.

 

life is so much more than money and "things". you miss out on life so you can be sure you have more stuff. seems terribly backwards.

 

yes, leave him. be on your own for a long while so you know what it's like to know yourself first without a man. that's important.

 

only consider the OM after a long while - you need to adjust on your own - so do your kids, they will need consistency... not a Mom who is distracted by trying to date. give them that, at least, if you decide to leave.

 

you've waited 20 years to see this man, what's another year or two at this point if it benefits the long range well being of your kids adjusting to a way of living?

[2sunny]

Wow... Wow... I'm flabbergasted.

 

OM has dumped me for another woman. When I told him I was seriously thinking of leaving my spouse he freaked out and told me he had met someone else.

 

I can't believe I fell for him!!! I'm am crushed, and I feel like such a FOOL.

 

Thank goodness I didn't have sex with him... I am glad it didn't go further than that. But I have learned my lesson... never never EVER trust a man ever again.

 

well, ok, better to understand now rather than later that this man truly has no character. he's willing to lead you on as long as you're married? wow, what a dork.

 

but seriously - to jump to "all men are untrustworthy" is very extreme. not ALL men.

 

just THAT attitude alone allows me to understand your mindset is unhealthy when considering men in general. let your man go - he deserves more from a relationship than just the money you have offered to keep him around.

 

there is no love there - you said it - so end it.

[mbm69]

I shouldn't put all men in the same category, you are right. I was just so so sad last night...

 

But I have only myself to blame, I let myself fall for this LOSER. He's a loser, and I am too good for him. I am more mad at myself than anything else right now. I just now know that there is something really wrong with me that I let my guard down so easily. I really have to figure out why I did that. I think I know why... and if I don't solve my issues, it is bound to happen again. I have to use this opportunity to better myself and commit 100% to my kids.

[mbm69]

And this morning, I get a long e-mail from him. He is so sorry that he hurt me. He was only getting involved with the OW because I was 'unavailable' and when I told him I wanted to leave SO, he kinda freaked out because he wasn't expecting it. He said I was the love of his life and he is not head over heels with the other woman, she was there to make him forget about me.

 

He also said he will be there for me, and that he wants to build a future with me, whatever that future will be.

 

I'm glad he emailed me, but I dunno... last night kinda made me snap out of my 'fog' so to speak. I think that if he loved me, he wouldn't of thought of getting involved with someone else. I haven't responded to the email yet. I wasn't planning on responding. But I know he is going to freak out if I don't. It's happened before (except I wasn,t avoiding him, I was swamped at work and unable to email).

[BB07]

And this morning, I get a long e-mail from him. He is so sorry that he hurt me. He was only getting involved with the OW because I was 'unavailable' and when I told him I wanted to leave SO, he kinda freaked out because he wasn't expecting it. He said I was the love of his life and he is not head over heels with the other woman, she was there to make him forget about me.

 

He also said he will be there for me, and that he wants to build a future with me, whatever that future will be.

 

You aren't going to believe that big pile of steaming bull ****e are you?

[mbm69]

You aren't going to believe that big pile of steaming bull ****e are you?

 

Actually, I'm not sure what to believe. I DO want to believe him. But my instinct tells me that he probably realized that he lost his ticket to the fantastic sex that he was expecting with me and that may be why he backtracked. He probably figured out that I respond well to romantic ideals and is manipulating me. I'm going to assume that is the case.

[whichwayisup]

You aren't going to believe that big pile of steaming bull ****e are you?

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

Actually, I'm not sure what to believe. I DO want to believe him. But my instinct tells me that he probably realized that he lost his ticket to the fantastic sex that he was expecting with me and that may be why he backtracked. He probably figured out that I respond well to romantic ideals and is manipulating me. I'm going to assume that is the case.

Choice is yours. You want to take the chance, go for it, but I think your gut is right.

Take a step back and think about this a little more objectively if you can.

[SuzieWong]

Leave him. You have found love. How could you have joint custody 150 miles away? Isnt that too far? Start a new life now while you have a chance. Money comes and goes but real love is a precious gift.

[steelknife]

Actually, I'm not sure what to believe. I DO want to believe him. But my instinct tells me that he probably realized that he lost his ticket to the fantastic sex that he was expecting with me and that may be why he backtracked. He probably figured out that I respond well to romantic ideals and is manipulating me. I'm going to assume that is the case.

 

 

please please dont believe that lying pig. dont. just walk away please.

[silverplanets]

Actually, I'm not sure what to believe. I DO want to believe him. But my instinct tells me that he probably realized that he lost his ticket to the fantastic sex that he was expecting with me and that may be why he backtracked. He probably figured out that I respond well to romantic ideals and is manipulating me. I'm going to assume that is the case.

 

Hi mbm,

 

I've read the whole thread and I felt the need to point out something .. namely your children and your love and responsibility to them.

 

You may stay with your partner or you may leave .... that's up to you on your own, you and your partner together, or your partner on his own to decide. Either of those three combinations is capable of making an unstoppable descision to end the relationship. If you do it well and it is the right thing for both of you then your kids will prosper whether you leave or stay.

 

What I want to point out is that in respect to the bold above I think you are missing something. You no longer have the luxury of being not sure what to believe and just hoping you are right.

 

You have children and allowing someone else into your life will affect them ... and if you really were on your own with them then then I think you would realise how significant this is and you would have very definite and clear boundaries about the type of "risk" you let near them.

 

Likewise if you really were on your own with them you would be acutely conscious that you mental and emotional state affected them and likewise you would have very definite and clear boundaries about "risks" you would take with your emotional state.

 

I think because you are not on your own with the children you are not yet seeing this, and I am not criticising but trying to give you a glimpse into the crystal ball. It's perfectly ok to terminate your relationship etc but once you do so I pretty much guarantee that your "willingness to accept risks" will dissapear because those risks will affect your children.

 

Your priority will be, quite rightly, protecting their emotional and physical stability as they continue to grow. And THAT is going to mean that you will have very low tolerence for people who don't seem to be completely and utterly transparent.

 

It will also mean that you probably won't care what any one person's issue(s) is/is not/or might be. Your responsibility will be to your children and you will learn to just walk away from other people's issues and put your effort into you and your children's needs.

 

Does that make sense? I am not saying you are right, or wrong or that you should/should not leave your partner ... but what I am saying is that if you do, then once the realisation of it sets in then you will realise that you are not free to do as and what you please in terms of relationships because it affects your children.

 

You will not want them to see mum with a stream of men and therefore you will take huge care to ensure that you really know someone first .. even if that means setting them as a friend for a long while and observing how they actually treat those around them.

 

In short, you will probably find your priority is protecting and nurturing your children and not bringing more drama into their lives.

 

That will make you a very different date for people, the lines, bull**** and vaguaries that may have once worked no longer will, because you will be betting your children's emotional health on those lines, bull**** and vaguaries.

 

I think the question you need is: Are you willing to bet your children's emotional stability for a period of time on what you know RIGHT NOW about this old flame?

 

If not then what's to talk about.

 

Simply decide what you want to do about your relationship and either work on that or decide to split. If you split then your first responsibility is likely to be transitioning to an emotionally stable environment for your children .. and once you've done that I guarantee you AIN'T going to let anyone come in and mess that up due to their own issues ..... you will instead protect it and analyse anyone you let into your life VERY CAREFULLY indeed, and keep them at arms reach as long as it takes until their real character, motives and actions come through.

 

Hope this helps .... being on your own with kids is absolutely fine and dandy by the way (I know I do it) .. and yes, it can certainly be more healthy than being in a bad relationship. But you and your partner need to decide all of this, either seperately or together.

 

take care

Chris

[mbm69]

What a great post Chris, everything you wrote makes absolute perfect sense.

 

Yesterday, I was talking with the kids about moving. Just moving closer to their school because they are a 45 min bus ride right now and I would rather for them being closer to school.

 

I saw my oldest son's eyes cloud over with tears and he said that he would lose all his friends that are in his neighborhood. I don't think either of my kids would take well to separation between me and my spouse. SO is a good father and the kids love him. He is not really keen on discipline or doing stuff with the kids (he doesn't mind that the kids play video games all day and that they eat junk food), but he does love them.

 

I did talk to my spouse yesterday and told him that I wasn't happy right now in my life. That I felt trapped, in every sense. I told him that I thought I needed change in my life. He said 'as long as this change doesn't involve a change in spouse, I have no problem'. He told me to hang on to my job for another 10 years, and everything would work out He just doesn't get that part of my unhappiness is related to my being unsatisfied in my relationship.

 

I think this whole EA though is not necessarily just because of my unhappiness in my relationship. I think it is a symptom of just how unhappy I am in my life. I work like a dog at my job, then work like a dog at home. I'm exhausted and I feel like my life is passing me by... Me and my SO do not enjoy the same things. He could spend his life reading, and I like to go out, move, enjoy the outdoors.

 

BTW, old fling sent me a lovely email Friday morning but haven't heard a word from him since. I'm crushed that he has hurt me twice and that I fell for his crap twice. I am such a SUCKER.

 

It doesn't change the fact though that I am unhappy and have to do something about it.

[whichwayisup]

He just doesn't get that part of my unhappiness is related to my being unsatisfied in my relationship.

 

Then for your sake, your H's sake and for the sake of your kids, talk to him!! Tell him how you feel and why. See if you both can work together to make your marriage better and more loving/giving/fun. Maybe he's unhappy too and has needs he feels you aren't meeting. It's up to you to change things for the better, atleast give your marriage your best before deciding it's over and walk away, turn everybody's lives upside down. If, things still aren't good after counseling and alot of effort, then consider separation/divorce.

[PhoenixRise]

Then STOP

 

You might feel like your world will spin off its axis if you stop but stop anyway. I know it is easier said than done but find a way to stop.

 

If the housework is too much and your spouse won't help you, can you cut some other expense out and hire help a few times a week so that you have time to just breathe?

 

If your job is sucking the life out of you then make it a priority to get into a profession you enjoy. Nothing will change overnight of course, but you can start taking steps now. Don't agree to work a job for the next ten years that you hate just because your spouse said so. The fact that you need a career change should not even be under negotiation. Ask yourself why he is ok with you being miserable for the next ten years.

 

AND tell your spouse that getting a replacement spouse IS absolutely on the table. He seems to think that no matter what he does or doesn't do, no matter how little he contributes, no matter how unhappy you are you will stay and just deal with it. Don't let this be your truth.

 

Understand that the status quo works for him. He has no incentive to change it. Right now you do all the work and handle all the responsibility. He likes it that way and is not going to change voluntarily.

 

At the end of the day your spouse is only going to give you as much respect and consideration as you demand.

 

If your happiness isn't a priority to you, it won't be a priority to your spouse either.

 

AND I get it about the kids. Change IS hard on them and of course they love their father. But if you do decide to split your children will adjust. You will help them adjust.

 

But even if you decide to stay I think you can teach your children a very valuable lesson by demonstrating that you have some personal boundaries in place. By demonstrating to them that if someone wants to be in your life as a spouse or SO you should expect and receive respect and true partnership. AND by demonstrating that if your needs are not being met and all efforts to fix the relationship have failed it is necessary to preserve your own self esteem by walking away.

 

Figure out for yourself specifically what you need to be happy and start doing the work necessary to get it. Even if your OM wasn't a lying jerk (and it sounds like he is...) OM couldn't short circuit the work YOU need to do on your own life. He can't fix your life and he can't rescue from your life. You have to fix it for yourself.

 

You are going to have to rock the boat.

 

The good news is that any woman who has been shouldering as much as you have absolutely has the strength to make her life exactly what she wants it to be.