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Dont find it easy to say when things are bothering me

mercedesgirl

By mercedesgirl
in Long-Distance Relationships

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mercedesgirl Member

mercedesgirl

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I dont find it easy talking to my OH when things are bothering me, especially when it relates to our relationship. I worry that he drinks alot, I dont like his smoking, and he snores and it keeps me awake, to mention just a few!

 

How do I talk to him a about these things. I dont find it easy because in my previous marriage my thoughts were never considered and if I did eventually say anything I was shouted at and made to look stupid.

 

Thanks

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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I write my SO a romantic letter, and voice my concerns that way - including the "it's difficult to put this into words, and talk to you, because...." bit.

 

Try that....?

folieadeux Established Member

folieadeux

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Don't let your past affect your future relationship. If this guy really cares, he won't respond that way. And if he does, you don't need him around.

 

I'd second the writing thing only because it gives you the chance to proof read it a bit first. The computer has a great edit button, my mouth oftentimes doesn't. :p

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mercedesgirl Member

mercedesgirl

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Thanks guys, I wrote a lovely poem and emailed it to him. He said it was lovely and we talked about my worries. It was a good way of breaking the ice. It will still be difficult for me, but I feel a bit more relaxed now that I could say to him when anything bothers me.

 

Thanks x

folieadeux Established Member

folieadeux

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Glad it worked out :)

creighton0123 Established Member

creighton0123

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Well I would say that his drinking + smoking definitely contribute to his snoring. You can politely ask that he not smoke around you since you don't like the smell and that you'll be there for him if and when he decides to quit. Don't don't don't NAG him about smoking. It doesn't help.

 

If drinking is a concern, ask him about it. For our benefit, how much and how often does he drink? How often does he drink to excess?

 

As for the snoring, there are many easy remedies. If he snores from his nose, have him use nose strips. They work wonders. If he snores from his throat, make him a him some ginger + honey tea to have before bed. A more expensive solution is boiling eucalyptus leaves in water, straining the leaves and drinking the water (the boiling forms hyper-infusion beyond making tea. You can make a bunch at once and add a SMALL amount of vodka or rum to the water for preservative and put it in the fridge). One of the most popular remedies for snoring is to take a small sip of olive oil before bed.

 

You can also use dioscorea villosa (wild yam) as a gargling agent or nasal spray. My opinion is that nasal sprays suck.

 

This is practical advice... I trust herbal remedies over prescription remedies any day given that you avoid excess side effects and the cost of treatment is much lower.

 

As for communication, good for you for reaching out to him. Let him know that you love him for his faults and his perks, not despite his faults.

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mercedesgirl Member

mercedesgirl

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Since we have been seeing each other (6 months now), he has drunk 8-10 tins of beer every weekend - thats Friday and Saturday nights.

 

I dont know how to approach the subject, could I say that Im worried about how much he drinks, that it cant be good for him and that if we are going to be together for a long time, I want him to be healthy.

 

I dont know if he drinks during the week when I dont see him, but one time I did visit him one day when I was on holiday, there was a beer tin on the side and this was mid week!

folieadeux Established Member

folieadeux

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Chances are if he's drinking this much at the weekends, he's also doing it during the week too.

  • 2 weeks later...
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mercedesgirl Member

mercedesgirl

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Chances are if he's drinking this much at the weekends, he's also doing it during the week too.

 

I have just come home after spending a few days at OH's. Your right, he does drink alot during the week too!!!!!!

 

I did say to him when I was there that I was worried about the amount he drinks. He doesnt get drunk, or is abusive or anything when he does drink but I am worried about the health issues related to drinking heavily for a long time. He basically said that yes he drinks a lot but he is fine. He might be now but the long term health issues really bother me.

 

What do I do now, do I say anything more about it, Im really worried what damage it is doing to him.

 

Thanks x

folieadeux Established Member

folieadeux

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I have just come home after spending a few days at OH's. Your right, he does drink alot during the week too!!!!!!

 

I did say to him when I was there that I was worried about the amount he drinks. He doesnt get drunk, or is abusive or anything when he does drink but I am worried about the health issues related to drinking heavily for a long time. He basically said that yes he drinks a lot but he is fine. He might be now but the long term health issues really bother me.

 

What do I do now, do I say anything more about it, Im really worried what damage it is doing to him.

 

Thanks x

 

You can always voice your concerns to him in regards to his drinking as you've done here. Unfortuantely, from my experience, it will do little good. People that drink that frequently and deny having a problem won't see any reason for giving it up. Again, this has just been my experience and hope your boyfriend is more receptive, but I think it's highly unlikely based upon his attitude towards the whole thing. He'll have to realize one way or another that he needs to stop for himself.

  • 5 months later...
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mercedesgirl Member

mercedesgirl

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Hi Guys

 

Its been a while since I was on here. Things going ok with the OH, but the issue of his drinking and smoking has come up far too often. He is now saying that he wants to give up smoking but he is not going to stop drinking. I dont expect him to stop drinking, but at least cut down.

 

I love him to bits and we have some lovely times together, but the thing that has stuck, is that at no time was he sympathetic about my worries. I felt as if he was saying 'tough, if you dont like it!' and then the top it all,

at the weekend, when we were talking about this, he said, I have to make a decision, do I stay with him as he is, or not!!!!

 

What do I do?????

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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What do you want to do?

 

The answer is, that you want him to change for you.

Even with good reasons, it's not something you can make anyone do, it's something they have to want for themselves.

 

He's pushing you to choose between being with him - and all his flaws - and deciding what you will accept, and what you cannot live with.

He's turned the tables on you, and is giving you an ultimatum:

 

"Take me as I am, warts and all - or put your money where your mouth is, and leave."

 

The choice is yours.

 

Do you love this relationship enough, to stay in it, and quit complaining?

Is he giving you everything you need, in spite of his negative traits?

is this relationship nourishing you to grow and feel fulfilled?

 

These are the questions you need to answer for yourself.

 

Either way, you have to let your actions speak for you, because they convey more than words ever can.

 

Choose.

Then follow through.

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