kgal Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 I feel like I'm going through the anger phase right now.. and I'm asking all the "why" questions. I don't want to write my ex or get all mad at him.. cuz I know I'd regret it if I said all the mean stuff I want to say right now.. but it helps to get it out.. so I came here instead. I just hope things get better and I can find that love once more that I had w/him. I don't know if that's possible.. because I'll always love him and I don't think any guy could replace those feelings.. but I just want to be happy and have fun like we once did. I guess I just miss dating. I did workout and that seemed to help.. but I would've liked to have a punching bag w/his face on it. Oh.. I sound so terrible.. I really am not a mean person but I feel so much anger towards him because he broke my heart.
Girlie Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 What youre going through is normal, and, as they say, this too shall pass. It sounds like you are doing the right things and not allowing yourself to contact your ex and get into a yelling match or something like that. It wouldn't do either of you any good. Just keep finding ways to vent your anger. Eventually, it will start to subside.
Author kgal Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 Thanks girlie. It feels good to get it out and I'm glad this place exists or else I might've written him something terrible. I feel better now and it will pass.. I know.
Girlie Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 lol. Yea there are times in the past when I definitely wish I would have had this place to come to instead of confronting the ex. Live and learn I guess. Glad you have it now while it's not too late. Hang in there!!
reasontosigh Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 ...... and I'm asking all the "why" questions..... One thing I tried was strictly fantasy - but playing the game in my head did make me feel better. It goes like this - you are a hard-as-nails TV interviewer. Your ex is the interview subject. You're pummeling him with all the "why" questions to a "viewing audience" of millions. Two possible ways this can play out: 1 - He's actually answering your questions - as best as possible, anyway. You may have a number of different reasons/scenarios so the interview would continue differently for each possible reason/answer to the first question. If you're looking for answers to those questions, it might prove helpful. 2 - (which is how mine ended up playing out) He's stuttering and stammering away and not coming up with anything concrete to say at all. Doesn't help if you're looking for answers, but it makes for a great "revenge" show when you're real angry. As you know, you'll get through your anger, and I'm willing to bet you'll get through it just fine. By the way, the punching bag idea doesn't sound terrible - after all, you're angry! I wanted to do that myself but figured I'd end up breaking my hand or something, so I just used an old pillow instead.
Author kgal Posted March 25, 2004 Author Posted March 25, 2004 Yea.. I was pretty angry and Im still angry. I just don't get why he walked away. I mean.. when I talked to him last .. he told me he fell in love. I just don't think he understands what love is.. treating me this way. He also said that he waits as long as possible to write me on purpose.. I'm assuming it just hurts him too much??? I don't know.. but sometimes it frustrates me so much and it just hurts. I try my best and I pray for God to release this anger from me that I get for him. I feel like I'm on and off.. all throughout the day. I hope this phase dissapears..and soon.. I dont want to hate him.. but I have to let my emotions ride out I guess in order to get through them. I just will start writing emails and then stop.. because I know I"ll regret it in the long run. Ugh.. I just want to scream at him and make him cry like he's made me cry for 2 straight months. I guess that's not wise either.. but the game thing is helpful I guess. I did take his picture and turn him into a girl by drawing lipstick on him and all.. but then I just ended up feeling bad and cruel. Maybe if we get to talk again I can calmly tell him about the way this has affected me.. maybe that will help. I just don't know. I'll have to wait until he actually gets on his messenger.. I dont want to feel like we're playing mind games now.. because like I said earlier in my post.. we're trying to stay friends. It's just hard to have a reason to not stay in love anymore and he's very complicated.. with his religion and his family's wants for him. I don't even think he knows what he wants.. and he told me he feels like he's some kind of disease because of the way he's hurt girls in the past.. not meaning to. He just doesn't *think* before he involves himself.. well.. and I guess I didn't either.. cuz I *did* know about the sit. before we got involved... but we both fell in love. Love's hard to tame and it's even harder trying to hold it all inside and not just tell him everything going through my mind. Man.. Okay..well.. I feel better. Excuse my excessive rambling.
dlb311 Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 its okay to be angry its just one of the many phases we all go through once we have been hurt, or betrayed. My ex broke up with me for the second time Monday. We broke up before because I didn't know why when he came back it was I am scared of commitment... I love you you are the one lets just take it slower because it feels like its coming all to fast. So I never brought it up I just let us have good times. and yet he still pushed me away at the end. I said I wont have a relationship only on your terms. He said he knows. First I was in shock, then in tears all day and I was questioning him and myself and why this happened. How can you be so sure and be able to just give it up so easly it doesn't make sense. He was so in love with me I mean on his hands and knees for two long wonderful years. I did not take advantage I just cherished it. I was so happy that he loved me so much and his life was better because I was in it and the same for me. Then a friend came home from 5 long years in college and it changed all of a sudden he hadn't lived enough yet. To settle down with me. So we broke up then four months later he came back and said I was the only and he just needed to be more independant. So we got back and fell in love again and I never said a damn thing when he wanted his space and time. I understood. I went out with the girls and he went out or kicked back with the boyz. Then he moved in with that friend that came home from college and all of a sudden he started up again pushing me away I didn't understand? I let it go thinking he just was busy and needed his time. Then it got to the point where I was miserable because I didn't feel the love so I said something to him and he said he wants this just not right now. He needs his independance right now. And isn't sure this will work out because he just can't be with me like I want and deserve right now. So its over and this time I am not looking back. but I am starting to go through the phases and a punching bag isn't a bad idea I have a friend who has one. you just have to let it out talk with a friend a parent say what you would say to him if he was right there. Right a letter to him and don't send it. whatever just to release the angery and pain. Sometimes things just don't work out but sometimes people do us wrong too. I just take one day at a time and don't look back. its not worth it.
reasontosigh Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 As you come out of the phase of being angry at him, you may find that you're becoming angry with yourself. Whether it's because you've wasted time, energy and love in what you have invested in the relationship or simply because you think you haven't done enough for yourself (or both) doesn't matter. The feeling is normal, but what you do with it is what counts. Use that anger as fuel to act on the things you want to do for yourself. It does work!
Author kgal Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 Thanks for the help guys. I think what's making me upset the most.. is the fact that he doesn't even act like he cares. I just keep thinking, "Okay.. if you were in love w/me.. how is it so easy for you to keep your distance?" I just wonder if he's human or even has a heart.. Ugh. I just drive myself crazy if I keep on thinking about it all. I guess the best thing is to let more time pass.. maybe then this phase will go away for good and I can be a friend w/out holding any grudges.. hopefully I'll get answers too...
Girlie Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Well, hang in there. Try to take as much time away from him as you can. It really does help you heal. I have an ex who was absolutely atrocious and it took me a long time before I could feel comfortable talking with him again. We hung out at all of the same places so it was really hard NOT to see him. I guess I could have given up all of my favorite hang outs, but I was much too stubborn for that. lol. But I kept my distance as much as I could until I felt better. Now when I see him, I feel nothing, and I can talk to him without really even thinking about it because I don't care anymore. It just takes time, though the waiting can seem intolerable at times.
Arabess Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Ahhhh...I have felt your pain Kgal!!!! I was so mad, even while he was IN THE WAR...I would send what he called my meanie mails and nasty grams. I think I called him everything in the book....plus a few names I made up. LOL! Finally, I realized it just wasn't worth he and I bickering anymore. I then opened up an email in yahoo with a name which reminded me of him. Everytime I was so mad I couldn't see straight, I would write these long hateful emails to him and send it to that address. It made me feel better just by getting it out of my system. ReasonToSigh is right. There is NOTHING he can say or do which is going to make you feel better about the relationship being over. Maybe because there really isn't a 'reason' why love goes terribly wrong. Sometimes, it just does. Eventually, the anger will get less. For now though, it's easier to be mad at him than to feel how much you still love him. It's not only normal....but a nice bandaide.
Author kgal Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 Yeah.. haha Arabess. Thanks for your guys' replies.. they do help. I just wish I knew how long the "anger phase" usually lasts. I guess there's really no telling. But I do know that I would regret writing and he'd just reply with something that might just hurt more. I will wait... even though it's hard.
Author kgal Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 Well. I talked to him last night. He was on his messenger. It was hard.. pretending like I really didn't care about not being his girl anymore. It was the hardest thing. But Im proud that I got through it and at least he won't know how I truly felt...although at times I wish he knew... But I just want to take more time to myself to heal here and not worry about it. I guess he was a little rude too..but thats partly cuz he didnt get a job he wanted...and he just needed a friend I guess...meaning me. All I know now is I really need time away from this to heal.. I have to avoid it altogether..until i know for sure that i wont have those incredible painful feelings after we're through talking. I guess I'm doing the right thing by that..huh. Its just so hard not to be with him now.. but I guess it's up to the Lord and I feel the need to hang in there and not be so weak. Time to grow I guess! Haha.
NotaBadGuy Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 Kgal, I too know your struggle with anger. As you read in the post of mine you replied to, I am struggling myself. I have had no contact with her for some time now. Last time we spoke, we both pretty much told each other to have a nice life. I was so angry for so long - maybe still am - that someone who I give my heart and soul to could just drop me like I was nothing. I was angry that someone who once always told me they loved me daily could turn around and say that they never loved me to begin with. I was so angry that she could tell me to my face that she wanted to say no when I asked her to marry me, but did not want to hurt me by saying no. I was so angry that she later told me that is made her sick for me to even touch her. I was angry with the betrayal. And then the anger increased when the other guy appeared - although he was just a friend as she stated. Then she would tell me that they had only "made out" but had no sexual relatioship shortly after she filed for divorce. My anger consumed me. I pulled and prodded at my faith. It made me question the institution of marraige and whether or not trust, honesty, faithfulness, and commitment really do exist in today's society. So I feel the anger. But at the same time I also have learned to control the anger. And then her mother calls me the other day. The same mother who totally dissed on me and what a terrible person I was 5 months ago. And then her mother tells me now (I did not recognize the number) that she has been thinking of me, she will always care about me, and that I will always be a part of her family in her eyes (with a sad, cowering, and sniffling voice). All the feeling and emotion poured back on and consumed me once again. I still don't know the reason for the call, but it threw me off guard. The last time we spoke was so negative and then to hear that. I have no clue. Anyways, I wonder the same thing you do. When will the anger subside? I hope soon. I do not want to be mad or angry anymore. My thought is that my anger is associated with how hurt I am by what transpired. As the hurt and pain from the situation disolve, so will my anger - at least I hope. It takes time, this I know. How much time is another question. Good luck and keep the faith! You'll pull through.
Author kgal Posted March 27, 2004 Author Posted March 27, 2004 Well.. I went to work. I had a few hours from doing something to keep me busy..and it really did help. I guess it's just hard when I'm not really doing much to get my mind off of him and to not help and serve others. Well.. it felt good to do that today.. even though after work I felt like crying again. I just pray and I know God hears my heart and that He knows the sorrow. I believe everything will work out and I should just allow Him to work in my life. I guess the anger has subsided.. to the point where I am okay with waiting for good things to come and not so anxious to know all the answers. 'Notabadguy'... you'll get through it. I really can tell you that this does get better.. even if its a good day and you feel better... run with that...because I am trying to best grip the joy around me and focus on those who care. I believe maybe it's because you don't see her that you're angry.. it's when they "ignore" you.. you start to feel the rejection and then anger comes. I just hope he thinks about this and has thought about my feelings.. I'm sure he has.. and I just have a peace knowing that if it's God's will we will be together.. and if not.. we won't. I've really done my best to accept it. I guess the next phase is "Acception" and it's a good feeling.. I will say though.. writing it all out.. how mad I was and just getting it off my chest felt real good (even though I never sent the mean emails) it also helps to vent here.. haha. I guess there's alot of us who know and can relate w/these feelings.. so it's good to be comforted and felt understood. At least the hurt feels like it makes sense.. but the reason won't at times. Well.. just try to stay positive. I have ..today is better. I feel better. God Bless.
shellen Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 i broke up with my ex because of religion differences. It is so hard to let go huh, when the break up is due to external reasons. It has been nine months since, and I am still recovering, but definitely in better shape than before. I finally decided few days ago that I will not be able to get over him completely if i continued to stay in touch with him, tho i very much want us to be friends. Although now i dun feel as angry, as sad, as heartbroken. But I will always wonder how could he have the heart to do all this to me? how can someone who loved me so much just turn around and say good bye and move on so easily? How can he get himself a new girl friend within a few months and lied about it while im still crying my heart out over him? And how can he tell me he still likes me now, but yet refuse to get back with me?And how can he still be with another girl while still liking me? It jus all does not make sense....... Thinking of all these jus makes my heart aches...
Author kgal Posted March 27, 2004 Author Posted March 27, 2004 Shellen, what religion are you and what religion was he? how long did you know each other ..or date before breaking up?
shellen Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 He was Muslim, I am a Taoist, but not a religious one. He expects me to convert for him, but at that time when he gave me the ultimatum, I was not sure of myself because to convert to a totally different religion is not something easy and I also had to consider family's objections, with dad threatening to disown me and such. But giving up was never on my mind. But he left me two weeks after giving me the ultimatum. We've been together for two years and I would say strong two years. But the worst hurt he inflicted on me was by getting attached again so soon, as if our love was so easily replaced or never existed. He deliberately hid the truth abt it from me and I only found out after a friend bumped into them by chance. All this while he made me think he was still single, I dunno why....Tears well out in my eyes still even as I am writing this....... what's your story kgal?
Author kgal Posted March 28, 2004 Author Posted March 28, 2004 Well. He was muslim too. I'm Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ.. I guess muslims dont believe Jesus was the Son of God.. but I knew him for a long time. We never really talked about religion.. and we had everything else in common. He says his family would disown him if he were to tell them about me.. but I dont see why someone who's in love would be ashamed of that person. I was not ashamed and my family knew. I guess it was all on his part that we broke up but I did think about what would've happened had we stayed together... fell deeper in love.. gotten married.. and had to endure all the complications that go w/it. I just don't think that's what the Lord has in store for me.. and I don't want to feel the heartache I felt after we broke up.. again. I still told him we'd stay friends.. even if sometimes I can't help but miss him like crazy. I guess that's part of love.. you have to let go and just allow God to do His will for your life.. because you can't really make ppl into something or someone they aren't .. only God can change a person.. and that's what I'm starting to realize.. I just have to be me and let it all rest .. because it's not worth hurting over. I don't know what Taoism is? But Jesus is the answer.. and if Jesus isn't in your 'ship.. it won't survive. I also heard awful things about how muslims are allowed to beat their wives and have more than one.. and I even talked to him about that.. but he said he doesn't believe in that... but then how can he call himself a muslim if he doesn't believe in what it preaches. Basically.. I just pray for him and I pray he'll come to know the Lord.. what else can I do? Forcing him to know wouldn't be right .. but I will show him the love of the Lord as best I can when we do talk or write. It's just hard cuz I do miss him and I will love him for always. I'm sorry to hear you're sad.. but hang in there.. and do what makes you happy. Taking care of yourself is very important during the healing phase... and you'll make it. We're all here to get through this together!
shellen Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 hmmm..but did he expect u to convert for him? i guess when both parties have strong faith in your respective religions and you break up because of it, it makes sense. For me, sometimes I feel this whole thing is so absurd and I feel bewildered. To forsake someone for religion is not something that I will ever do because religion is not the top priority of my life, at least not now. So i cannot understand why he can just ditch me because of that... Well..frankly I dun reallie noe wat Taoism is all abt..and I am a taoist because my parents are..thats all. Basically i do not participate in any of the religious practices except for the occasional visits to temples with my parents. When i found out he had a new gf 6 mths after we broke up (he had been seeing the girl for a few months already), I realized i was losing him for good and it got me rethinking the whole conversion issue and I actually decided I would convert for him and asked him to come back to me. he considered but finally told me he cannot leave the girl for another and told me all the crap abt fate and that he should go with the flow. i jus feel so disappointed. i was willing to make such a big sacrifice but it was not gd enough for him to want to come back tome. why? especially since according to him he still had feelings for me. if religion was reallie the problem now that im willing to compromise shouldn;t everything else not matter at all? i mean i was even willing to fight my parents for him...ya..i love him dat much...Pity i realized it too late and it sucks to know dat u love someone so dearly but yet canot be with them. hmmm regarding Muslim men being allowed to beat their wives, i do not think it is condoned by Islam. I do not think any religion will advocate violence. I think it is more a cultural practice of the arabs and well, perhaps they twisted the meaning of the koran to justify their actions. And as for polygamy, supposedly the guy has to get approval from his first wife and he has to ensure he is able to give each wife equal treatment in terms of time, love, effort and money as well. so it is not dat easy. but i guess a lot of ppl choose to follow teachings in religion that are beneficial to them but simply ignore those that go against their interests.
shellen Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 arrgghh...after sticking out for four days of no contact, i finally felt so frustrated and angry that i left him some offline msges, basically ranting a bit... that poor guy has bascially endured my rantings for the past nine months... hah..i reallie regret it..any way of retrieving offline msges before they are being sent to the other party? haha i dun think so rite..guess next time i shall jus rant out at this forum.. I am regretting not because I feel bad ranting out at him, but more like I do not want to show that im still bothered with him... well..at least four days is a record for me...
moimeme Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 and if Jesus isn't in your 'ship.. it won't survive. I'm happy you're Christian. No need to preach. I also heard awful things about how muslims are allowed to beat their wives and have more than one.. and I even talked to him about that.. but he said he doesn't believe in that... but then how can he call himself a muslim if he doesn't believe in what it preaches. What you 'heard'was wrong and stupid. It is not what Islam preaches. Next time you 'hear' something, why not read up and investigate for yourself?
jenny Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 kgal - glad you are working through your anger. i'm willing to bet you'll be ok; you deserve love and will find it again. i hope you will not externalize your anger and hurt onto other religions - i'm sure you are smarter than that.
Author kgal Posted March 28, 2004 Author Posted March 28, 2004 Well.. Of course I was not meaning to offend any of you ...and I'm sorry if I did.. but I really don't understand alot right now.. so please bare w/me. Again, sorry to say something that may have stirred the pot.
from ND Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 K Gal, I enjoyed reading your posts, I am in a simalar situation, I left my girlfriend nearly 20 days ago, I left because I am quite sure she cheated, It was NO assumption, I had proof, I hopped atrain to the west coast. I know I hurt her by doing it, because we have spoken briefly not long after i got out here, and she tyold me she got into touble and was getting sent to a mandatory rehab for 90 days. She would call the last 2 weeks and be verbally threatening, very angry and bitter, telling me to stay out of her life. Something inside me says she is not so much angry as upset, and her anger is a way of maskinbg her hurt. I wrote her a letter last week and expressed that I do care for her still, and that, I forgive her for the cheating, that I diudnt want to know details, most of me wants her back very badly, but I dont know where to go with it, meanwhile ive begun a new life in seattle, working and meeting people (not dating), but throughout the day I find myself thinkg about her and woindering if she misses me, or wants to reconcile, do you think she thinks about me at some point in her day? I mean we were together 9 mos and lived together for 7 of them, we were together EVERY day. I know we had real love, she says she already forgot about me on the phone, but yet if she did, why did she even call to telkl me that? whats your opinion?
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