Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I don't see where he is supportive for his wife. This scenario is almost exactly mine, and I have felt NO support from my spouse whatsoever. I'm seeing this through OP's wife's eyes. You are seeing it through a man's eyes. where I moved the thread too. Also the point is she hid it from him and did not discuss it.... There is a post where he said he stopped asking for sex altogether..... A marriage is a "partnership" and here the spouse betrayed him.... Oh by the way, you are looking at it through a woman's eye....
mbm69 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Oh by the way, you are looking at it through a woman's eye.... Yes, I am looking through a woman's eyes... is that a problem?? Just a wee bit about my story. I self medicated through alcohol, and I hid it from my spouse as well. Initially I hid it because I did not want him to worry about me. I thought it was temporary and I would snap out of the issues that were bothering me. I didn't want the kids to notice as well. So I was drinking when everyone was in bed at night and would fool around on the computer (online chats, message boards, TV shows, etc.. anything to kill time) till 2-3 in the morning when I finally would fall asleep. But I was trying to work through stuff on my own before worrying anyone. Eventually I got into a cycle where I just couldn't hide it anymore (it's hard to hide 1-2 empty bottles wine daily) because the alcohol intake escalated. My spouse did feel betrayed and he forced me into counselling, but mostly because he thought I was an alcoholic. The alcohol was self medication not a dependence. And for what it's worth, counselling wasn't worth it. It didn't help my issues, even after 18 months. It just cost a lot of money, and I wasted my time. I went off my meds last year. The meds were the only thing helping me a bit. Depression is a struggle. And yes, I am looking at depression as a mom, spouse and health care worker. This is my experience and it might help OP understand what his wife is going through.
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 The OP too said he moved it. Not everyone pores through every forum on LS. I think this is a very sad thread that may be best served and have the most exposure on Marriage & Life Partnerships where there other posters with similar stories and issues. Yea but you moved the thread not him. Frankly I think there is little in terms of infidelity which is affecting the marriage..... It is the self diagnosed and medicated depression and lack of sex that are the issues to discuss..... Diagree. She cheated before and if she had a problem she should've talked to him and not resist having sex with him. That's what a spouse is there for.
Author MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 mbm69, my apologies. I had stopped checking this side since the post was moved to another forum. Mbm, please, ask me some questions about how I do support my wife rather than just assuming I am an uncaring son-of-a-bitch looking for a fast f**k from my wife. You know neither of us and yet you want to take out your unresolved anger from your relationship and project it onto mine. I must say I do admire your professional ability to diagnose depression sight unseen and from just my brief description. It is that exact way of thinking that has gotten my marriage to where it is right now!!! I do support my wife. She is the love of my life. The easy thing would be to throw in the towel and walk. She checked out on me. She stopped communicating. She stopped sharing with me. She took a path that would affect both of us and our family without regard to how it affected the rest of us. But in spite of all of that, I can't imagine a life without her. The excuses for hiding it for professional reasons are just that, excuses. That is another insult as it means her job means more than her marriage and family. Just so we are straight, all our health insurance is carried with my employer, not hers, we have employee assistance programs (free to employee and immediate family), the EAP providers are regulated under HIPPA privacy rules just like other health care facilities are, and my wife is three years removed from this high stress "pressure cooker" environment that was her former location of employ. She is now in a slower paced, more laid back practice. Depression is real. It can be controlled. Throwing a daily pill at it is not control. A well rounded treatment regimen consisting of meds, counseling , information and follow ups is. Mbm69, I do thank you for giving me something to think about. Maybe my wife's and your chosen careers are a bad idea. If it takes this kind of toll on her mental well being (and your's) then it is not worth it! For what it is worth, I do agree with you 100% about the hospital type environment and the way co-workers view a person as weak if they have any kind of trouble adjusting to the job. The hospital setting can be brutal for workers. As I stated earlier, my wife is now in a much better environment at a smaller clinical practice.
robaday Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I can speak as a guy (but obv with no relationship of such duration). I lost a sibling to an unexpected death a few years ago, as well as 2 friends in the space of 2 months, one from suicide one from a drug overdose. At the same time I began a relationship with someone. I was prescribed celapram, and of course I was not able to have sex. Being inexperienced on top and having performance anxiety as it was, as well as crippling depression, anxiety and the drug side-effects, the feeling of not being able to have sex despite wanting to was truly horrific. Despite the positive impact of the meds, I can assure you the pain of not being able to have sex was awful, and I began to avoid it altogether. Despite this though, I could not have got through that year without them, they enabled me to eat again (Id lost 1.5 stone), they enabled me to sleep again, they enabled me to focus at work, and they enabled me to function. Whether this is the reason your wife won't have sex or not, I suject being very delicate about the situation. My self esteem hit rock bottom, and when I was broken up with, it just got worse.
mbm69 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Mbm, please, ask me some questions about how I do support my wife rather than just assuming I am an uncaring son-of-a-bitch looking for a fast f**k from my wife. You know neither of us and yet you want to take out your unresolved anger from your relationship and project it onto mine. You are right, I do have a lot of unresolved anger against my spouse right now. And I am sorry if I was harsh in judgement. I guess your story just pushed my buttons and I snapped. I do believe you have to push things further with your wife. I am glad you are taking the issue to heart. I wish my spouse would do the same thing. Maybe I wouldn't be this resentful and still dealing with my demons. Good luck.
StoneCold Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) You are right, I do have a lot of unresolved anger against my spouse right now. And I am sorry if I was harsh in judgement. I guess your story just pushed my buttons and I snapped. I do believe you have to push things further with your wife. I am glad you are taking the issue to heart. I wish my spouse would do the same thing. Maybe I wouldn't be this resentful and still dealing with my demons. Good luck. you know what... I don't know you, your spouse or your situation... but the way it reads it sounds like you are mad because your husband is not supportive of you being an alcoholic Edited February 11, 2011 by StoneCold
Author MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 mbm69, I consider ours a valuable exchange. Thanks for reaffirming for me that by standing by her and not pulling back that I am doing the right thing. I am sorry your partner was not by your side through your ordeal. Thank You!
mbm69 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 you know what... I don't know you, your spouse or your situation... but the way it reads it sounds like you are mad because your husband is not supportive of you being an alcoholic Maybe it is the way it sounded... but no that's not it. When I was at my lowest, and I told him that I needed some time off from work, he told me that our 'standard of living' would suffer and he said it wasn't a good idea. I would've needed a few months off work, to regain my focus... but instead I was expected to plow through, continue to make $$$, cook, clean, take care of the kids, etc, etc... Maybe I was expecting too much though. I didn't get any support from anyone else around me either. It feels i'm always there for everyone, I take care of everyone but no one takes care of me.
StoneCold Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Maybe it is the way it sounded... but no that's not it. When I was at my lowest, and I told him that I needed some time off from work, he told me that our 'standard of living' would suffer and he said it wasn't a good idea. I would've needed a few months off work, to regain my focus... but instead I was expected to plow through, continue to make $$$, cook, clean, take care of the kids, etc, etc... OK that wasnt cool... hes gotta try to meet you halfway... thats his bad But now you are an alcoholic and you are drinking at home....that part is on you
mbm69 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 But now you are an alcoholic and you are drinking at home....that part is on you I had never considered myself an alcoholic until I posted on this thread . If I was an alcoholic, wouldn't I be drinking every day??? I have periods where I drink more, but some periods where I don't drink at all. I had a period 2 years ago where I was drinking every night, but I haven't done that in 2 years.
mbm69 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 MarriedGuyInTennesee, There's still such a stigma attached to mental illness that many people suffer in silence rather than seek help. Exactly what I was saying yesterday.
YellowShark Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Communication issues? Definitely. Trust issues? A wee bit. Health issues? Definitely. But the part that really sticks out for me is the Facebook crap in the middle of the night. If you're a tired depressed heathcare worker who can't sleep why is there any need to be on Facebook? Facebook doesn't cure depression and insomnia. Who really needs to be on Facebook "when she gets home from work and each night at 2 and 3 AM until 15 minutes before the alarm clock goes off?" What is so important on Facebook? That is a HUGE waving red flag to me. Let's say she is having an EA via Facebook, add that with the medication for depression and you have no sex life. A) she is not in the mood often due to medication, and b) she is getting validation from another source through Facebook. Just sayin'
rowell2024 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think there's more to it than what meets the eye. There just might be an EA going on as a result of Facebook, and she might be deep into an EA just like mbm69 is having, perhaps reconnecting with a lost love the way mbm69 is doing. That could account for all the facebooking and some of the drop in sex. Those are 2 red flags by themselves.
StoneCold Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) I had never considered myself an alcoholic until I posted on this thread . If I was an alcoholic, wouldn't I be drinking every day??? I have periods where I drink more, but some periods where I don't drink at all. I had a period 2 years ago where I was drinking every night, but I haven't done that in 2 years. mbm.. if you tell us you are drinking to cope (in not so many words) with daily stress/depression... then I would say it sounds like alcoholism. If you had a period 2 yrs ago where you were drinking every night then I guess you were an alcoholic; and I'm sure you had the same issues with your H back then (at least thats how it reads); which brings me back to what I said a few posts ago. Now that you say its not everyday and only sometimes (currently)... then I'm lost on your statement that you are still depressed. Depression is a daily sickness; day in day out you live with it until you can over come it. Perhaps you have over come it now? unless theres something I'm missing Edited February 11, 2011 by StoneCold
mbm69 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I'm still depressed and dealing with insomnia, though not to the extent I was dealing with 2 years ago. I started taking alcohol to deal with insomnia and anxiety. It started out as a glass of wine coming home from work and escalated from there. Once SO confronted me with the drinking, he told me to get professional help, which I did. But it was hard, making that step saying that you need help when you've always dealt with your crap on your own. As soon as I was on anti-depressants and had some sleeping pills I stopped drinking. For a year, I was 'stable' not better but stable. I did IC for more than a year, was diagnosed with PTSD (and I will not get into the trauma involved, but it does not involve my spouse). But it was tough to schedule doctor appointments, IC, and hold a full time job and take care of everyone at home. I stopped IC because it was taking too much out of my week. I was ok for a while... Late November, I had a 'trigger' from my PTSD. And the cycle started all over again, anxiety, insomnia, depression. Except now I know the cycle too well and have mostly avoided alcohol this time. PTSD is not typical depression, it is chronic and is caracterized by relapses like this. When I explained to SO that I was having a 'relapse'... he said 'WTH do you want me to do? I have my own **** to deal with'. In came dude from past. It happened literally 48 hours after the trigger. Actually, 48 hours before he contacted me, I put on FB status that 'I wish I could completely disconnect with my life and start over'. It was one of the first things he asked me, why I had written that. He offered me the support I needed and has been acting as my psychotherapist since. He has done much more for my issues than my psychotherapist did. And I don't have to pay! My spouse has known about him since the beginning... he was actually happy to not be the one to have to deal with my crap. But the relationship evolved from there. It is now a full blown EA (no sex though). I never meant it to be that way. I was just looking for an ear that would listen to me. And I'm so sorry to hijack this thread... I hate that it has revolved around my own issues
seren Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Some people who are depressed, especially if in the medical field, view depression as a personal weakness and don't seek 'proper' help. The self medication can be a sign that the depression is passed off as, 'just depression' rather than chronic depression, which if not addressed properly can becoming enduring. This becomes a cycle of pill popping as a solution, rather than tackling the underlying cause. very often those closest to the depressed person are the one's they won't admit it to, for that would mean admitting it to themselves and not easily explained away as 'just depression - hope that makes sense. It is so very hard to watch the person you love change, not cope and to feel that you are losing them, I mean losing the person you have grown to know and love become someone else entirely. It often takes someone else to point it out to them for them to take notice. Living with a partner with depression is a very hard road to travel, especially if they are in denial about how bad it is or has become. The change in habits, the loss of libido and the change in housekeeping habits are all typical signs of depression. It is sometimes a sign of apathy, also a way of them feeling bad about themselves manifesting in their life - a self fullfilling prohecy of sorts. Dammed hard for those who love and have to watch. The lack of sleep or poor sleeping pattern can be due to the medication or may be an escape, as in it is easy to be different online to not face how she feels about herself, possibly. Have you asked if you can accompany her to the doctors so you can both work through this? I used to go with my H when he had PTSD, we tackled it together, but it took a long time for him to finally admit he needed help. I agree that A is not the issue (unless it is for you, but I think not), but the powerlessness sounds real for you. I hope you both can work together on this one, I a wonder of you are being pushed away by her, as in her not feeling worthy of being loved. I feel for you both - been there, done that, it got better, eventually.
PurpleReign Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Oh God... Did you actually READ what was written? it sounds like his wife MAY just be abusing meds as a feel good as she cant even give him a straight answer. Maybe shes not depressed and just likes to feel good; depression is really hard to put your finger on and there are people out there who abuse the meds and use it as an excuse. I personally know quite a few people like that..... they will even admit it to certain people and I've had it admitted to me many a time. Maybe this is the case... maybe its not. But you are flying off the handle at the guy and its clear you didnt even read what he said. Oh and by the way... sex for men resides in our pants so that is YOURs (as a woman) to juggle as well..... its not ALWAYS about the woman either Maybe she's hiding it from him because he's so judgmental. Maybe she cannot trust him enough to open up to him about her depression. What antidepressant would anyone ever abuse and take if they didn't need it? This is something I've never heard of, so please elaborate and educate me. All I'm saying is that if this women is clinically depressed, she may actually need this medication. Of course, I am not a doctor. Neither is the OP. COMMUNICATION seems to be the real issue here. And possibly lack of trust.
Author MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Maybe she's hiding it from him because he's so judgmental. Maybe she cannot trust him enough to open up to him about her depression. What antidepressant would anyone ever abuse and take if they didn't need it? This is something I've never heard of, so please elaborate and educate me. All I'm saying is that if this women is clinically depressed, she may actually need this medication. Of course, I am not a doctor. Neither is the OP. COMMUNICATION seems to be the real issue here. And possibly lack of trust. According to my old high school friend, who is no doctor but does work for a drug company, many members of the medical community view these AD's as a fad or status drugs. When one considers other segments of the population and the drugs each segment abuses, it does tend to make sense. The need to perform in sports tends to make performance enhancing drugs popular in that segment, around the social partying crowds one tends to find more inhibition lowering drugs used to relax and enhance the good time, and since the medical field includes dealing with people and their problems in a high stress environment in many instances, finding the use and abuse of drugs designed to numb the stress and emotions seems logical. Notice I did not say it was right, just logical. When my youngest child was dianosed as diabetic, we immediately made an appointment with a Pediatric Endocrinologist to ensure we had the best chance of learning about and controlling my son's disease. Now 12 years later, he is a typical teen, great student, popular in school, plays any sport he chooses, and his illness is in control. I don't think we would have had the same results self medicating him and without ever having him diagnosed. You could be right on the communication front. If she began taking these drugs on false pretenses, she knows I would never agree with it. Hiding drug abuse almost never works, at least for the long term. Especially abusing drugs with the side effects of ADs. I have offered to see a specialist, both going in with her or waiting outside in the waiting room. So far, she has refused those offers in favor of believing she doesn't need it and that I don't understand.
Recommended Posts