Being Cheated Out of A sex Life

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

I posted my story in one of the other forums and received very few replies. I thought maybe some folks here might have some experience or advice for my particular situation.

 

I have been with my wife for 25+ years and we will celebrate being married for 21 of those later this year. I still love her more than ever and consider her to be the one I was supposed to be with. We are the average couple, both professionals, middle class lifestyle, two teenaged sons, cat, and dog etc,,, We had been married 5 years when my wife at the age of 26 had some inappropriate contact with the 21 year old male half of a couple we hung out with. I say inappropriate only because I do not know all the details. Wife admitted they kissed and made out. The wife of the other couple always seemed to have knowledge that more went on. I forgave, eventually forgot, and we moved on. Needless to say the other couple were no longer an option to hang out with.

 

Throughout our marriage, we have experienced the ups and downs that I think most all relationships go through sexually. There were months we were going at it 3 to 4 times a week and that would be followed by periods where there would be 6 or 7 weeks without making love. Eventually, the slow times began to stretch longer until by the time she was around 34 we were down to once a month as the norm. There were the usual suspects like headaches, too tired, not feeling well, choose your reason, as to why she wasn't in the mood. Her work in the medical field could be stressful at times so I would back off and let her be. But it would still bother me as to why an otherwise healthy woman of 34 was having such a major drop in labido. I began to notice my wife would almost go out of her way to avoid being in situations that involved us being alone. Almost as if she feared being alone (you folks with kids know what I mean) and something sexual happening.

 

I began to look at myself for answers to solve the riddle. Was it me? Was I doing something wrong? Was I good enough? If I was truly ringing her bell, wouldn't she be wanting me all the time? Yes, I did start watching her a little closer since there was that past issue. One Saturday morning I was gathering the household trash and while emptying the trash from her bathroom I discovered an empty Lexapro box. Inside was the precautionary insert as with most medicines. I put the insert away and made no mention of it. Upon researching this medicine and why it would be in my house, I discovered it is used for, among many things, treating anxiety and depression. Printed plainly on the insert were the side effect warnings the medicine is known for. Two of the top listed were decreased sex drive and inability to orgasm (anorgasmia). Since neither my wife or I have ever been diagnosed or even suspected of having anxiety or depression, the mystery deepened.

 

I spoke to my wife about the box and she explained they were hers. She said some days at work were so crazy she just wanted to scream. Her Nurse Practicianer friend gave her some free samples to see if they would help. She wasn't taking them everyday but just when she needed to take the edge off of an extra stressful day. I was still concerned about the nonchalantness of taking such a strong medicine "merely to take the edge off". I spoke to a high school friend who is a drug rep and he explained that Lexapro was the latest rage in the medical community and were freely used by medical personnel to the extent that they are nicknmaed "chill pills".

 

A few days later my wife and I had a discussion that eventually went on into a full argument about this medicine. After I finally made my point about the side effects (not just sexual ones either) she agreed to stop taking them.

 

This is getting long so I will continue in another post.

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

I trusted her to stop the meds and as far as I could tell she did. Things slowly began to improve at home and I was thankful to have my wife back.

 

Gradually we began to slip back into the rut again. My wife had changed clinics and I knew was working hard to establish herself with a new group and new ways of doing the everyday responsibilities of her job. One thing I will mention here is privacy. My wife and I have this strange thing that we don't know when or why we truly started it but that is our personal privacy. She does not go into my wallet and I do not go into her purse. Is simply a respect thing with us. Just the way it has been for us as long as we can remember.

 

She is in the shower one morning and I need her keys to move her suv. She told me to grab them from her purse. I said no but she insisted and sounded rather annoyed so I did. There was a box of meds in there beside her keys called Pristiq. I did the amateur detective thing again and found it to be a different pharmaceutical company's version of Lexapro and with the same damn side effects!

 

I immediately confronted her. My wife then told me she had been depressed for years and had to have them to function. I simply asked when was she diagnosed as depressed. Three different inquiries have yielded three different stories. She has refused to give them up.

 

I feel betrayed. Yes just as much as I would if it were another man. My wife has willingly traded OUR healthy sex life for HER chill pills. I was never given a chance to express an opinion or anything else on a matter that affects the both of us. My self esteem has suffered. I am hurt and angry at her for this betrayal. It hurts that she would so willingly trade away our closeness.

 

If she had been legitimately diagnosed by competent medical examination as being depressed it would have been one thing. But she never has. For the past 5 years my wife has led me to believe she was pre-menopausal to explain away and mask the side effects of her chill pills. A recent blood test proved she was nowhere near menopause. Her beliefs are based on her family medical history. Her Mom suffered pre-menopause, so my wife must as well. Her Father's family suffers depression in the older years, so my wife must be guaranteed to as well and has to be treated now. Yet she refuses to agree to accompany me to a specialist for diagnosis, choosing rather to continue to self medicate.

 

I want my wife back. Not the one who gets on Facebook as soon as she gets home from work, goes to bed by 7 PM each night only to be up at 2 and 3 AM back on Facebook until 15 minutes before the alarm clock goes off, not the woman who never wants home cooked meals anymore, who could care less how the house looks.

 

I love her to death but am at my wits end. Anyone else ever experienced anything like this? Sorry this has been such a long post.

[michelangelo]

You need to find out who is prescribing for her.

 

She likely has a psychiatrist. And does not feel comfortable telling you about it.

 

The midnight facebooking is not directly linked.

 

Her cheating years ago is not related to her current treatment for depression.

 

You not havIng sex is not a deliberate result of taking the meds.

 

Meaning, she's not taking the drugs to avoid sex.

 

You might want to reflect on why you're not approachable about her depression.

Edited February 9, 2011 by michelangelo

[PurpleReign]

Your wife is depressed and all YOU'RE worried about is YOUR SEX LIFE??!!!

 

If you want your wife back, see what YOU can do to HELP HER! I promise you thar complaining and moaning about it will only stress her out more. DO YOUR PART! See if you can join her in a counseling session, or talk to another professional about what YOU can do to help.

 

I've never seen any dictionary define marriage as ALL ABOUT YOU!

 

By the way, sex for women begins in our heads, not our pants.

[Steadfast]

I'm no physiologist, but I do know the piling guilt, stress and demands on top of a problem only makes it worse. Generally, the female often needs certain things to happen before, during and after the sexual act. To be fair, this cannot just become 'about her'. In a loving and balanced relationship, each partner should place the needs of the other before themselves.

 

Many women mistakenly assume men are 'always ready' and only they have specific needs. The thinking isn't the problem, but the assuming is. Never assume anything; find out for yourself and know the score.

 

The key in what you wrote is your wife's 'need' of this drug. That sounds like addiction. You'll need to tread lightly in order to gain her trust. When she knows you have her best interests in mind and are not trying to control her, she'll be more likely to work with you.

[StoneCold]

Your wife is depressed and all YOU'RE worried about is YOUR SEX LIFE??!!!

 

If you want your wife back, see what YOU can do to HELP HER! I promise you thar complaining and moaning about it will only stress her out more. DO YOUR PART! See if you can join her in a counseling session, or talk to another professional about what YOU can do to help.

 

I've never seen any dictionary define marriage as ALL ABOUT YOU!

 

By the way, sex for women begins in our heads, not our pants.

 

Oh God...

 

Did you actually READ what was written? it sounds like his wife MAY just be abusing meds as a feel good as she cant even give him a straight answer. Maybe shes not depressed and just likes to feel good; depression is really hard to put your finger on and there are people out there who abuse the meds and use it as an excuse. I personally know quite a few people like that..... they will even admit it to certain people and I've had it admitted to me many a time. Maybe this is the case... maybe its not. But you are flying off the handle at the guy and its clear you didnt even read what he said.

 

 

Oh and by the way... sex for men resides in our pants so that is YOURs (as a woman) to juggle as well..... its not ALWAYS about the woman either

[Spark1111]

Okay, pills are a necessary tool to regulate certain brain chemistry that can cause or exacerbate depression.

 

They are too easily proscribed and are not meant to be a lifelong treatment. Most treatments with anti-depressents are a 5 month plan and then reassessment is made.

 

It is disturbing that your wife has self-diagnosed, gets pills, but has not done any therapy to understand the whys of her depression.

 

Therapy and meds should ALWAYS go hand-in-hand to treat depression.

 

I think you have every right to feel betrayed: She has kept a VERY big secret from you for a very long time and seems uncaring that you are upset by it.

 

I would do whatever it takes, kindly, to get a proper diagnosis made and a proper protocol to treatment of depression.

 

I would also get her into counseling, and you too, to learn how to best deal with it. Eventually MC my be helpful too.

 

For now, forget the sex. If she truly is depressed it will only serve to remind her of one more act she is not doing well by.

 

Work on the depression and the marriage, and the sex will follow.

[carhill]

'I feel betrayed and de-prioritized when you hide important parts of your life from me and abandoned when you actively avoid sex and intimacy with me. I'm going to get some counseling to deal with these feelings so I can take decisive action to improve the quality of my life. How do you feel about that?'

 

Then, go get counseling, focusing on accepting your feelings, her condition and behaviors and communicating clearly. As applicable, make the counselor aware of your goals. That clarity and acceptance will lead to action, whether to rebuild the marriage or end it. Tools learned will help you support her in a positive way while remaining true to your own boundaries of health. Right now you're in limbo. You have absolutely no control over her. Accept it. Whatever she says or does, for it to be meaningful, will be voluntary and proactive.

 

What personal and/or lifestyle compromises are *you* willing to make to save your marriage? Think about that. Good luck

[michelangelo]

The OP mentioned that his wife got the pills from a nurse practitioner.

 

He characterized her as a friend.

 

A nurse practitioner can prescribe drugs and would lose their license and face legal problems for giving out "samples".

 

More likely is a therapeutic relationship.

 

Because she takes antidepressants despite his pressuring her about it does not mean she is addicted.

 

There is a control issue between them.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

However this thread should be on the Marriage and Life Partnership subsection and really the kissing you referred to happened almost 20 years ago.

 

But what you have posted resonates with many here. The lack of respect to not share one's "depression" or the side affects and to just ignore anothers feelings and needs is despicable.

 

Your spouse could be mine. We respect each others privacy and do not snoop at all, but trust me if she was "DIAGNOSED" with depression we would talk about it.

 

Before it was easy to slough off, pregnancy, young children, busy careers and stress to come up with excuses and now menopause, there is no winning.

 

To feel cheated is normal and in fact I say you stand up and demand MC and tell her how you've subverted the marriage.

 

For PurpleReign to spout the female line offends me and should others...... This is not about her.... It's about her, you the children and your lives......

[Quiet Storm]

I think it is unlikely that she is abusing these drugs, because the ones your found don't make you high. They take time to build up in your system. Those aren't the type of drugs you would take to calm yourself on a crazy day. Xanax, Klonopin are the commonly abused, fast-acting types of drugs given to "take the edge off".

 

I think she is disconnected from you emotionally and sexually. She does not feel secure enough in the marriage to talk to you about how she is feeling. She is depressed, and hides her feelings and important matters from you. Why?

 

It sounds like you are dismissing her reasons for the medication, almost if you believe she isn't really depressed. Maybe she picks up on that and keeps this from you because when she tells you how she feels, you invalidate her feelings.

 

Also, what is she doing up all night on facebook? I would explore that, because she is keeping secrets from you and could be having an affair, or flirting with other men online.

 

I don't think she is going to want sex with you anytime soon. If she is depressed, those meds can kill her drive. If you accuse her of not really being depressed, she will think you are an a-hole that doesn't care about her.

 

It doesn't sound as if meeting your needs is important to her, and it doesn't sound like your wife's emotional health is important to you.

 

When a woman is truly depressed, sex is no longer fun or desirable. It becomes a dreaded chore, another expectation. They are unmotivated and and feel so worn out from getting up, going to work, keeping up the house that sex is not even thought about. Depressed people are often so wrapped up in their own unhappiness that they neglect the needs of husbands and other family members. Medication often helps many of these people get their lives back.

 

I would try to get her to open about her depression and take everything she says with genuine concern. Tell her there are other options for medication and she should see a doctor. Wellbutrin is a great medication for depression and actually increases sex drive in many people.

[RobD70]

I used Lexapro and it does screw things up a bit. My wife is on something like it herself.

 

Get her on Wellbutrin, that will help fix her sex drive and is probably a better fit than the Lexapro type stuff. Wellbutrin is the bee's knees.

[StoneCold]

I dont know maybe its me but whats up with us these days...

 

We are way over medicated IMHO.... your average person knows about all the anti depressant drugs out there; they know almost as much as the Doctors do. People pop these things like Pez.

 

What happened?

[StoneCold]

Not the one who gets on Facebook as soon as she gets home from work, goes to bed by 7 PM each night only to be up at 2 and 3 AM back on Facebook until 15 minutes before the alarm clock goes off, not the woman who never wants home cooked meals anymore, who could care less how the house looks.

.

 

I would also put this on the list of things to be investigated

 

 

....you got your work cut out for you bro....

 

 

- Get to the bottom of her depression

- Make sure her depression is being properly addressed

- Address your needs...all of them

- Hold your marriage together while she gets her head straight (if you care to)

- Find out if shes cheating and if so... how do you intend to handle it

- If you manage to hold your marriage together while she tends to this...How do you go back to your definition of a normal relationship.

 

Best of luck to you. No matter how it turns out I hope it will be for the best for both of you.

[Albertan]

I wouldn't necessarily assume she is cheating.

 

Although I would take issue with hiding something as serious as anti-depressants. Sounds like there are some major communication issues and I would agree with what Carhill said, you could probably both use some MC

[xxoo]

There is SO much more going on here than an inadequate sex life.

 

If the absence of sex is due to the med use, there still had to be something going on first that led her to take and hide unprescribed meds. What is that about? Why wouldn't she tell you if she were struggling with depression or anxiety?

 

I'm not really understanding if she actually has depression and anxiety or not. It seems like you are giving examples of times she is communicating her struggle with anxiety (at work), but then also saying that she has never suffered from anxiety or depression because she's never been diagnosed. Well, as wrong as it is for her to self medicate (and it is wrong), it doesn't mean that she is NOT suffering from anxiety or depression. Many people suffer for years before being appropriately diagnosed.

 

Right now, it seems like there are 3 huge issues: trust and communication, her health, and your sex life. All 3 are interrelated, and improving the first 2 will improve the third. But it seems like you are primarily concerned about the third, which is really the last piece. You probably can't fix your sex life without working on the first two.

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

Let me first address the accusations that I am an uncaring and controlling pig who just wants my wife just for the sex. Far from it. I could have an affair anytime I wanted and solve that issue. It might interest some of you to know my wife and I waited the entire 5 years we dated to have sex until our wedding night. I genuine love her and have from the second date we went out on. We have always been partners, always us against the world. But anyone who maintains the notion that sex and intimacy are not a big part of maintaining a healthy marriage is dreaming. Please feel free to ask me anything rather than just assume I am an insensitive son-of-a-bitch.

 

My main reason for concern is that she won't go to a specialist for this problem. She truly does not see the problems and fallout. Unlike a few have suggested, no, I don't put pressure on her for intimacy. I got tired of hearing her say no a long time ago. I wait for her to initiate serious intimacy. I am affectionate with her. I don't hate her at all. It does hurt to see her becoming this person I don't know. We used to joke that we were so in agreement on things that we had to invent things at times to have a healthy argument. Neither of us is the controlling type. There has never been anything said by me about the cluttered house and lack of home meals. Quite the opposite. I tend to find myself walking on eggshells to keep the peace around here. So much so, in fact, that my own self worth and esteem have suffered due to me thinking I was the problem.

 

I just want her to see a specialist and if she truly does have depression, get it diagnosed and properly treated. If not properly treated, she will never get better.

 

As I stated early in my original post, I did post this in another forum and apparently there was little interest in responding.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Let me first address the accusations that I am an uncaring and controlling pig who just wants my wife just for the sex. Far from it. I could have an affair anytime I wanted and solve that issue. It might interest some of you to know my wife and I waited the entire 5 years we dated to have sex until our wedding night. I genuine love her and have from the second date we went out on. We have always been partners, always us against the world. But anyone who maintains the notion that sex and intimacy are not a big part of maintaining a healthy marriage is dreaming. Please feel free to ask me anything rather than just assume I am an insensitive son-of-a-bitch.

 

My main reason for concern is that she won't go to a specialist for this problem. She truly does not see the problems and fallout. Unlike a few have suggested, no, I don't put pressure on her for intimacy. I got tired of hearing her say no a long time ago. I wait for her to initiate serious intimacy. I am affectionate with her. I don't hate her at all. It does hurt to see her becoming this person I don't know. We used to joke that we were so in agreement on things that we had to invent things at times to have a healthy argument. Neither of us is the controlling type. There has never been anything said by me about the cluttered house and lack of home meals. Quite the opposite. I tend to find myself walking on eggshells to keep the peace around here. So much so, in fact, that my own self worth and esteem have suffered due to me thinking I was the problem.

 

I just want her to see a specialist and if she truly does have depression, get it diagnosed and properly treated. If not properly treated, she will never get better.

 

As I stated early in my original post, I did post this in another forum and apparently there was little interest in responding.

 

and reading this makes me more upset about your situation and this issue of intimacy we read more and more of all the time on LS. The problem is there seems to be little in terms of answers (though some good advise), just understanding and knowing you are not alone.

 

Sorry MGNT, I also moved this to the Marriage & Life Partnership forum as I really do not think it has anything to do with infidelity.....

 

Best of luck......

[Distant78]

and reading this makes me more upset about your situation and this issue of intimacy we read more and more of all the time on LS. The problem is there seems to be little in terms of answers (though some good advise), just understanding and knowing you are not alone.

 

Sorry MGNT, I also moved this to the Marriage & Life Partnership forum as I really do not think it has anything to do with infidelity.....

 

Best of luck......

 

Now why would you do that?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Now why would you do that?

 

The OP too said he moved it. Not everyone pores through every forum on LS. I think this is a very sad thread that may be best served and have the most exposure on Marriage & Life Partnerships where there other posters with similar stories and issues.

 

Frankly I think there is little in terms of infidelity which is affecting the marriage..... It is the self diagnosed and medicated depression and lack of sex that are the issues to discuss.....

[blizzard]

I have to agree with purplereign

 

You feel betrayed? It saddens me that she couldn't come to you in the first place and talk to you...about her depression and about the meds. Big flag there. And it saddens me even more that you didn't notice her depression, or need for meds...

 

The medication may be affecting her sleep pattern...hence fb late at night. Who knows.

 

She cannot continue to take the meds irregularly. They will never be effective. The initial side effects aren't comfortable but they do phase out. ASK HER how the meds make her feel, and ASK HER if they are working for her...if they aren't benefitting her suggest that she try something new. Go with her to Doc. But please, don't make this about sex and your betrayal....Your wife's situation goes much deeper than that. Just be thankful that she took the initiative to get help for herself.

 

As for seeing a specialist, maybe you should take that initiative. If you commit to IC, maybe she will go to...and go with you. Encourage her through how it benefits you. Her meds may numb her out...so counseling may be the last thing she thinks she needs.

 

My stbx husband is on an antidepressant...he has been on it for two years now w/o seeing a specialist. When he began taking it, he became a go-getter...the sadness went away...but he said his competitive mode was zonked. But he cared. His moods bounced around for bit. From aggressive to norm. Now, the med has sort of plateaued...and I wish he too would get counseling. He's grumpy, ambition is gone, motivation is zapped. Sometimes, you do the best that you can in these cases and that's all you can do.

 

I understand your desire for wanting her to seek IC. The meds only work for so long really...counseling is needed in many cases to progress.

Edited February 10, 2011 by blizzard

[mbm69]

When I started reading your story, I thought you were my spouse in disguise... ie your wife sounds exactly like me.

 

I work in the medical field also. It is such a demanding job and at times extremely depressing. I have been dealing with depression as well for the past few years, mostly related to job demands. I have taken lots of anti-anxiety medications, anti-depressors, etc...

 

I have been off my medication for about 8 months now. And when off my medication I resort to drinking alcohol instead. Meaning, I need to take the 'edge' off like your wife mentionned.

 

My spouse has never been understanding about my 'condition' and the demands of my job and my low sex drive. He expects me to be up and running as soon as he is ready for sex. Frankly, it kinda disgusts me. He's been so unsupportive, that I have found some solace in other people. Colleagues, female friends and also male friends. You need to stop focusing on your wife's low sex drive and focus on WHY she is feeling the way she is and what YOU can do to help and support her.

 

Her facebooking she is doing??? She is mostly likely confiding in others or looking for support she isn't getting at home. The abnormal sleep pattern?? Most likely a sign of uncontrolled anxiety and depression. The facebooking could also be a way to help deal with the sleepless hours. These are all things I have been living with for the past 3-4 years.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I have a lot of resentment towards my spouse because I feel like he is not supportive at all. I hope your wife isn't there yet.

[mbm69]

My main reason for concern is that she won't go to a specialist for this problem. She truly does not see the problems and fallout... There has never been anything said by me about the cluttered house and lack of home meals.... I just want her to see a specialist and if she truly does have depression, get it diagnosed and properly treated. If not properly treated, she will never get better.

 

She works in the medical field, going to a specialist means she will be going to a 'colleague' in the field. People in the field are often hesitant to consult because they don't want to be labelled as 'weak'. So that could be part of her hesitation to consult. Also, it doesn't look good on your medical record that you have been diagnosed with 'anxiety and depression'... for insurance purposes... I completely understand trying to self treat because of those reasons.

 

You say you have never said anything about the cluttered house, but you mention it here. Maybe you don't THINK you have mentionned anything about it, but it is obvious that it bothers you. You might have said something about it without even noticing. She probably already feels worthless because she can't keep the house clean or cook the same meals she used to (trust me, I know)... having it alluded to even in the slightest will just make matters worse).

 

I completely agree with you that she will not get better if she is not treated. But treatment takes time, patience, and mostly SUPPORT from your loved ones.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that your wife is depressed. It is hard to admit it, hard to find the energy to get to an appointment and takes all your energy to get out of it.

 

I'm really sorry your wife is dealing with this.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

When I started reading your story, I thought you were my spouse in disguise... ie your wife sounds exactly like me.

 

I work in the medical field also. It is such a demanding job and at times extremely depressing. I have been dealing with depression as well for the past few years, mostly related to job demands. I have taken lots of anti-anxiety medications, anti-depressors, etc...

 

I have been off my medication for about 8 months now. And when off my medication I resort to drinking alcohol instead. Meaning, I need to take the 'edge' off like your wife mentionned.

 

My spouse has never been understanding about my 'condition' and the demands of my job and my low sex drive. He expects me to be up and running as soon as he is ready for sex. Frankly, it kinda disgusts me. He's been so unsupportive, that I have found some solace in other people. Colleagues, female friends and also male friends. You need to stop focusing on your wife's low sex drive and focus on WHY she is feeling the way she is and what YOU can do to help and support her.

 

Her facebooking she is doing??? She is mostly likely confiding in others or looking for support she isn't getting at home. The abnormal sleep pattern?? Most likely a sign of uncontrolled anxiety and depression. The facebooking could also be a way to help deal with the sleepless hours. These are all things I have been living with for the past 3-4 years.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I have a lot of resentment towards my spouse because I feel like he is not supportive at all. I hope your wife isn't there yet.

 

and all we think about is sex..... Why don't you read how supportive he has been and still left in the dark......

 

I can't help but bristle reading these posts...

[mbm69]

and all we think about is sex..... Why don't you read how supportive he has been and still left in the dark......

 

I can't help but bristle reading these posts...

 

I don't see where he is supportive for his wife. This scenario is almost exactly mine, and I have felt NO support from my spouse whatsoever. I'm seeing this through OP's wife's eyes. You are seeing it through a man's eyes.