PelicanPete Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Hey guys. Long time reader, first time poster. Went through a bad breakup with the ex gf 2 or 3 months ago, she left me for another guy because according to her I was emotionally abusive and everything bad in the relationship is my fault. She told me I pushed her into this new guys arms and she thought of me more as a friend than a boyfriend. If I was emotionally abusive wouldn't she not even see me as a friend? We were together for 4 years, and when it first happened I took it pretty hard. I apologized for everything to her because I admit I wasn't paying enough attention to her and it took her telling me that to realize. She still didn't want to give us another shot because apparently this new guy is so much better, so as hard as it was I stopped contacting her and started moving on. Every few weeks she breaks NC and is wondering how I'm doing and I guess still wants me in her life.The first time she broke NC she left me a massive email about everything I did wrong in the relationship, and I didnt respond and threw it out. she sent me another later saying she still wants to talk to me. I then agreed to talk to her and once again, everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault and she just wanted me to see it. I apologized for what I know I did wrong, and went back to NC. Today she harassed me again with emails and texts because it has been a few weeks since I last spoke to her. I haven't responded though. I guess I am wondering why she is doing this. Is it GIGS? Does she think she can get me back or something? She has to say every message that shes happy with her new boyfriend and her life and everythings so much better, but why is she wanting to talk to me then? Input would be great guys
gator12 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Classic sympyoms of GIGS. People say alot of things when they break up. Women in particular, you never ask them why. They don't think with reason, they think with emotion especially when it comes to breakups. They will say whatever pops into their head whether they mean it or not. My advice to you is strict NC. Don't bite on any more of her crumbs. They only serve to hurt you and push her farther away at the same time Until she is back at your door asking for a second chance you have no reason to respond to her. No matter what the text says, she can call you a jerk and whatever else she thinks up but don't bite. Don't let her backburner you to this new guy, who will most likely not work out for a few reasons. 1. Your ex just broke up with you and then immediately dated him, she had no time to heal from the previous relationship. 2. The guy is mostly like a shiny nickel, eventually the shine wears down, NC is the only way you can heal, and the only way she will ever come back. Do not give her the power anymore, don't respond. Let her know, breaking up with you means losing you for good. You will not be her doormat any longer. -Gator P.S. Oooo and welcome to the site, sorry if my message seems kind of harsh, but STRICT NC is the way to go in this situation.
Author PelicanPete Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Hey Gator. Thank you for the clarification I appreciate it. There is one thing I don't understand though. If I go NC and ignore her then how will she ever be able to come back? Do I wait until I get an email from her saying she broke up with whats his face and wants to talk? I don't necessarily want to get back together with her but at the same time I would like to see her want me back. Once again I appreciate it.
timchambo Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Yet another story about a vicious ex gf. My god WTF is wrong with these girls. Give them the world and when they find something "better" they treat you as if you spent all that time miss treating them. I also hope I get a chance to kick my ex bitch to the curb. She also left me for another guy out of the blue. Said the classic "we are not compatible" after over 7 years. All this with a healthy relationship with very little arguing. Until then read this jem I just came across. http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268466
Author PelicanPete Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Hey Tim. Thanks for sharing that thread, definitely gave me some confidence. I am also looking forward to the tables to turn after the emotional roller coaster my ex put me through and still trying to put me through just because she wanted a change in scenery. We planned it for the long haul and they led us to believe that's what they wanted as well, until one day they changed their mind and stomped on our dreams and future. I guess it just shows us what type of people they really are, and as much as I want her to see the error in her ways at the same time I know I shouldn't want more pain to come to her. I guess the perfect scenario would be for her to leave the current boyfriend, be crazy about me again and then just reject her and let her deal with herself instead of latching onto someone else so she doesn't have to. At least then she wouldn't be waving her new boyfriend around like hes the greatest thing ever and she will be forced to grow up.
timchambo Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 How old is your ex? I would probably be in tears watching my ex go through what she put me through. Each day is getting better though. Soon enough it will be just a memory. Pretty cold of your ex to be throwing her new relationship in your face. At least mine had the courtesy to lie to my face lol.
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Hey Gator. Thank you for the clarification I appreciate it. There is one thing I don't understand though. If I go NC and ignore her then how will she ever be able to come back? Do I wait until I get an email from her saying she broke up with whats his face and wants to talk? I don't necessarily want to get back together with her but at the same time I would like to see her want me back. Once again I appreciate it. The only message you should ever listen to is one along the lines of: "I'm so so sorry. I made the worst mistake of my life. I realise you are the one and only for me. How could I have thrown away something so perfect. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Counselling would be really constructive, but I want you back in my life. Please can we try again?" Anything else is just dangling you on a string and feeding you breadcrumbs. oh and - for the record? She will never come back. And you wanting to see her wanting you back, is just wishful thinking with a hefty hint of revenge. The more you dwell on this, the more she'll cling to your thoughts like gum on a shoe.
Chi townD Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 First off, you did nothing wrong! You can own up to 50% of what went wrong in the relationship. But her leaving you (cheating on you) was 100% her. And she knows she was wrong for doing that to you and she's trying to justify her actions of why she did what she did by telling you everything you did wrong to try and lift her guilt. That link that someone posted is in fact a true gem. Make improvements in your life, believe me, it's obvious she's keeping tabs, she'll know.
carhill Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 GIGS = grass is greener syndrome OP, welcome. Read on. Sounds pretty normal. My exW re-wrote our whole marriage. No worries. Life goes on. My sympathies.
Author PelicanPete Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Hey, thanks everyone for pitching in I appreciate all the advice and words of wisdom. Tim my ex and I are both 21, we were going out since high school. I guess its just frustrating because every relationship has their ups and downs, I was always there for her when she was having a hard time I just find it disrespectful for her to say I wasn't, and then blame everything bad in the relationship on me. If anything it felt like she was relying on me to keep the relationship a float, and then when I have to stop paying attention to her as much she jumps ship because she wasn't willing to be there for me. TaraMaiden thank you for that. I know I can't take her back and I don't want to take her back, I guess I just want karma to work itself out sooner then later. Our breakup was similar to the thread Tim linked, and I know her still wanting to communicate with me is causing rifts in their relationship through things people have told me. She depended on me a lot and by the looks of things still does.I also have improved my life drastically and enjoying myself when shes not harassing me, and even though its lonely sometimes I can tell Ive grown more as a person. I have a strong feeling that she will want me back in the future. And Chi town D I agree with you it takes two to tango, its a partnership. I owned up to what I know I did wrong while shes trying to sell the whole thing as my fault. She didn't seem this immature when we were going out, she just got all nuts and cold hearted on me I think to follow through with the break up, and now shes trying to rid herself of the guilt by saying its all my fault. Once again thanks everyone for your piece, more input is always welcome
timchambo Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) Pete, I know exactly what you are going through. We also high school sweet hearts. Last over 7 years. I could not have been more supportive to my ex. Literally, I could not give any more emotionally or financially. When she left saying all the typical "needing space", etc. I knew there was more to the story. She had a f'n ring on her finger. Come to find out shes dating some guy she worked with. When I called her on it she starts saying all types of crap that totally went against everything she ever said in the past. "not compatible", "no emotional support", "no passion", etc.. I was her only supporter, the shoulder for her to cry on everything something went wrong. Came close to missing bill payments to support her dreams. Took her on romantic vacations every year. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. She was selfish since I met her, but usually towards others... never to me. Out of the blue she drops me on my ass. For her sake I hope mr right truly is mr right. For mine, I hope I can return that "love" she showed me right before the holidays. Edited February 9, 2011 by timchambo
Author PelicanPete Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Tim Sorry you're going through this as well, but I am also glad there is someone else to relate to. I did my best even when I wasn't at my best with the relationship, I mean she was everything to me. In the end everything she promised about never hurting me and always being there through thick and thin, I was there and helped her through all of the crap in the past. I even bought her a promise ring half way through our relationship to show her I was serious about her. First girlfriend first love first everything with her and I felt lucky to have her, but the second I needed help and understanding she wasn't there, she said it was my fault and left me for a far less better guy, not as handsome or intelligent no real ambition or goals and it drove me nuts to think that she thinks this man is better. We went through a lot together and she made me want to become the best I could be, but at least that was something she couldn't take away when she ripped my reality in half. Its not even the fact shes with someone else now that bothers me, its the complete disrespect and immaturity that shes displaying that she never showed when we were together. After seeing it I don't understand how I could have ever been with her.
gator12 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 The only message you should ever listen to is one along the lines of: "I'm so so sorry. I made the worst mistake of my life. I realise you are the one and only for me. How could I have thrown away something so perfect. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Counselling would be really constructive, but I want you back in my life. Please can we try again?" Anything else is just dangling you on a string and feeding you breadcrumbs. oh and - for the record? She will never come back. And you wanting to see her wanting you back, is just wishful thinking with a hefty hint of revenge. The more you dwell on this, the more she'll cling to your thoughts like gum on a shoe. Agree with tara on the not answering crumbs until she explicitly states that she wants to get back together which she preferablly states in a voicemail and not in a text, or better in person. But I don't ever believe she'll never come back, there is always the possibility. The thing is going into NC you have to treat it as if she is never going to come back or you will never heal. It is possible she will but if you treat it as if she wont you have no way of being let down. -Gator ooo and crumbs are any texts example : "Hey" "How are you?" "Why are you ignoring me" (after you dont reply" Then probably a lengthy email about why your a jerk for ignoring her, you still DONT respond. Then a few phone calls and eventually a voicemail. Until you get a voicemail that says "I'm sorry and want you back." DO NOT RESPOND.
and.then.some Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) The fact that she sent some long email about all the things you did wrong says to me that MAYBE she really was very hurt by the things you did or didn't do. Maybe, more than feelings, her ego was a little bruised. Maybe she wanted you to fight harder for her, or in some way you hadn't tried. I've been there before. Guy wasn't acting right, I told him "bye". He wanted to argue, I told him it was his fault, and he missed out. I felt it was "too little too late", and need to feel that validation from the rebound guy. Then, sure enough, this guy and I started talking again. I, of course, was still hurt by past actions. So, instead of being nice and pleasant, I was... effectively throwing mini tantrums. He hadn't done or said whatever he needed to do or say to fix the situation from my perspective. I could be wrong, and everyone else could be right, but in my experiences, when things just fizzled out, the person doesn't come back so emotional, mentioning all the old and bad things that happened. The important thing to consider here is will this supposed hurt really heal, and how. Try asking her seriously what she's looking for, or wants from you. If she's not mature enough to be straightforward with you, and is honestly hurt, she probably won't be mature enough to work her way past it. (Been there too.) Edited February 11, 2011 by and.then.some
Author PelicanPete Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) The fact that she sent some long email about all the things you did wrong says to me that MAYBE she really was very hurt by the things you did or didn't do. Maybe, more than feelings, her ego was a little bruised. Maybe she wanted you to fight harder for her, or in some way you hadn't tried. I've been there before. Guy wasn't acting right, I told him "bye". He wanted to argue, I told him it was his fault, and he missed out. I felt it was "too little too late", and need to feel that validation from the rebound guy. Then, sure enough, this guy and I started talking again. I, of course, was still hurt by past actions. So, instead of being nice and pleasant, I was... effectively throwing mini tantrums. He hadn't done or said whatever he needed to do or say to fix the situation from my perspective. I could be wrong, and everyone else could be right, but in my experiences, when things just fizzled out, the person doesn't come back so emotional, mentioning all the old and bad things that happened. The important thing to consider here is will this supposed hurt really heal, and how. Try asking her seriously what she's looking for, or wants from you. If she's not mature enough to be straightforward with you, and is honestly hurt, she probably won't be mature enough to work her way past it. (Been there too.) Thank you for another perspective I appreciate it . She isn't very emotionally strong I know her, that's why she left me for another guy when I needed some support and understanding. And I stopped trying to fight for her after about two days of her still torn between me and the new guy, if she was having that hard of a time trying to decide then obviously she wasn't worth it. In the conversation I foolishly agreed to in her tantrum I identified and apologized for everything once more and she accepted it, even though i apologized for the same things when we first broke up. Still yet to hear an apology for all the crap she did, but Im not holding my breath for it . That was her excuse for contacting me so lets see if that remains the only reason. I would just like to update whats going on. I still have her blocked/deleted from everything and in retaliation to that she had blocked me from everything as well. I noticed today when I went to a mutual friends facebook page she unblocked me because she was in the little sample of his friends list on his page. It has been I guess about three weeks since I communicated with her, and some days are better than others and although I gave in the first two times she contacted me I think I'm handling it quite well for this being my first real breakup, first love etc. I don't know if she has me unblocked on anything else and I was curious enough to look at her FB page, and yes shes still with the new guy and they are commenting on her wall everyday about how much they are madly inlove with each other after being together for not even two months. Otherwise I am pretty content. I have no desire to talk to her and I noticed every time I do talk to her everything in my life starts to go down hill. Now that I'm not things have strangely worked out and are back on track. Although things are a little lonely at times most of the time I am enjoying being by myself. Why do you think she would unblock me? it is getting close to the two or three week mark where she usually contacts me, but once again im not holding my breath for it. Maybe it has something to do with valentines day coming up. When we were together she was always very possessive of me being her guy, and that I was very attractive and girls always look at me and she was afraid id leave her for a prettier girl one day. Even the night before she broke up with me if we walked by a group of young women or something she would grab and hold my hand even though I apparently felt like more of a friend to her. Any comment/opinion/coaching is appreciated Edited February 12, 2011 by PelicanPete
gator12 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 You can unblock her if you want her to know you do not hate her, but don't contact her if you're content not contacting her and it's what you should be doing anyways. I'd say her being blocked is an easier way to maintain this. Stay strong it's your call but keeping her blocked for the time being sounds like the easier option. -Gator
and.then.some Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Yeah, probably because vday is coming up. Maybe for you to see her page, or maybe so she can see yours. If she's really that torn, you don't need to worry about her. I was very angry at an ex before, and more than an apology, I needed him to do something for me to see that he was sorry and that change was possible. There was no way I was going to make myself vulnerable enough to tell him what I really need, and no way he was going to allow himself to be vulnerable either. I needed more than words. Not to say that you should be doing anything special, but just that it *could* be the case with her. The best advise I can give is to ask what she's looking for/wants from you (or something along those lines) if she contacts you again. In my personal opinion, both parties need to make themselves vulnerable to some degree in order to work past problems. Some people don't understand that simply having an emotional reaction won't get them the desired results.
Author PelicanPete Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 I appreciate both of your perspectives so thank you . and.then.some I already apologized many times for not paying enough attention to her towards the end of our relationship. It wasn't even really that, it was that I couldn't think of anything to talk about really, and she was busy with whom I thought was just her friend. I've apologized enough to her and every time I have put my feelings out there she just stomps on them and says things just to hurt them, for example telling me about her STI's she got with her new boyfriend, saying our relationship was a joke and that I was apparently emotionally abusive. I think the best thing to do is just stick to NC and let her expose herself for once, and if she doesn't it will only help me move on knowing that shes nothing to lose sleep over anymore.
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