lenny Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Right up front I'm going to apologize for the length of this and appreciate any who take the time to read it. I believe this could turn out to be a mini-novella. So I did some googling on the stages of a relationship because I was curious about my current feelings in my relationship. Although there seemed to be some variation ... from 5 to 8 stages, and the naming was inconsistent, basically the stages I found were: 1. Honeymoon 2. Disillusionment 3. Power Struggle 4. Stability 5. Commitment The opinions state that the honeymoon stage lasts 6 - 12 months, it's the shortest stage, and that's pretty much the only time frame was presented. Emotionally with my man I find I have passed through different frames of mind throughout our relationship so far so I'm inclined to believe there may be something to these stages. Because we've only been together 6 monthsish, I really shouldn't be anywhere except honeymoon but that doesn't really seem to fit. I've also noticed similar frames of mind in him that unfortunately occur at slightly different times so we don't sync with each other but then we even out and everything is good again. I would say I was in the honeymoon stage most definitely for the first 6 weeks to 2 months. Although there was some disbelief we were trying out an us since we've known each other for 20 years and never had much interest in each other, I couldn't stop thinking about him. We were spending 90% of our time together, we spent the night together most nights, texted each other at least every hour throughout the day, etc. He's the one that seemed to pull out of this stage first. He started spending the odd evening at his place, the constant texting became occasional texts that occurred when convenient and there was an actual message to get across (although there's still times where either of us will send a how's your day going baby or a luv u). I of course responded to this with a bit of panic that we were on our way to being done. I usually end my relationships right around the 2 month mark and surprisingly I wasn't ready for this one to go away. I started trying to prepare myself for the end and subsequently withdrew a bit myself and returned more to my old lifestyle. At this time we were still spending most of our time together but also did stuff apart. Some of his traits that either I didn't notice or thought at first were cute became annoying and I'm assuming he was experience something similar because he'd express some disagreement about how I'd do some things. Then there ended up being a bunch of chaos happening in my life - my terrible roommates moved out, a big project at work came up that required lots of overtime, a teenage relative got into some significant trouble, my bank started giving me hassles about renewing my mortgage, christmas and all it's stress was coming up and my dog died. For me, I just kind of went on autopilot with my guy and he was quite supportive at just being there for me. Shortly before I regained my equilibrium, he decides to cut me off sex. He's still over all the time and had settled into doing some of my household chores and guy fix it things that needed doing. We'd mostly just hang. For example, I'd be on my laptop doing something and he'd be on my computer doing something else. And we'd chat a bit here and there. It was like we settled into being like an old couple. He didn't tell me until well into this cut off period that he was doing this and frankly I was such a basket case I really didn't notice the sex had gone away for a little while. When I did notice, it was before he'd told me that he was cutting me off on purpose or anything so again the panic settled in. Even though our time together was pretty laid back and not constant excitement anymore, I was quite comfortable with it and really had felt I had fallen in love with this wonderful man. In my mind I felt kind of rejected and no longer desirable to him. I am older than him, have had some kids, and I'm not in the best of shape so could understand how he'd not be attracted to me any more now that the newness had kind of gone. It was then that he'd told me he cut me off on purpose because he too hadn't been with anyone for more than a couple months for over 8 years and he wanted to test if he liked being with me or it was the sex drawing him to me and wanted to get to know me better without sex clouding everything. I wasn't supposed to feel like he wasn't interested in me or anything, this was something he needed to work out on his own. Well, of course I did feel like he wasn't interested in me so again settled into panic and started to prepare for this amazing relationship to end. The sex did start up again but the relationship was a bit damaged after that. I was hesitant to initiate anything and felt at times that he was just ****ing me out of duty. We'd talked about this no sex period a few times and he kept saying he really needed to do that and he was very glad he did. I felt like he had decided that my characteristics fit what he thought he needed and he had come to the conclusion he could stay in a relationship where he wasn't hot for girl ... and was quite unhappy with this. Then on top of it I accidentally stumbled upon some evidence that he was going to porn - not that I have any problem with porn, will use it myself and have brought it into the bedroom with us on occasion. When I was feeling undesirable to him though, this just made me feel even less desirable. Fast forward to today. In the mean time the no sex thing came up a number of more times (the poor guy - not a huge communicator but he'll do his best to bring up stuff that bothers him or talk to me about stuff that is bothering me - having to talk about the same topic again and again and again). I finally accepted it that it was exactly what he had said and none of what my fears were trying to add to the situation. The sex picked up and got better and we're spending even more time together while still doing lots of things apart. The sex out of duty thing does happen - sometimes one of us really isn't totally in the mood but to please the other one that is, we will give it our best effort. Now, I am at peace with us. Utterly at peace. I feel secure with us, loved, and desired. I am amazed at how wonderful my man is. I feel like I'm in a fairytale and am lucky and grateful such a thing could happen after I'd given up and had become satisfied with the idea of remaining single for the rest of my life. This is why I went looking at the stages of a relationship. I would have assumed we'd moved past the honeymoon stage but at only six months I couldn't be in the stability stage surely. After all this crap we've been going through (really not major stuff or anything) are we starting over on the honeymoon stage? Could we really have moved through these stages so quickly? We've started to talk more and more about him moving in as well as plans for the future (not marriage or anything but I'm contemplating selling my house in a year or so and moving to a different city). I don't want to rush into this before we are real and don't want to rush anything and set us up for failure. Again I really apologize for the long post but I couldn't think how to make this shorter. I would really value some opinions on this. So, back to relationship stages. Do you believe in them? If you do, how do you really know where you are at? How long in your experience do these stages last? Am I just still in the honeymoon stage and should slow things down?
Nexus One Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) I just heard a very interesting fact today. Some institute did research on how long people stay in love with each other, have a crush on each other and are addicted to each other. (40 year long study) The answer is two years, because that's when certain "love chemicals" stop doing their thing. Those chemicals are nature's trick to make the man and woman addicted to each other so that they focus (only) on each other long enough to make fertilization happen. Now that wasn't the interesting part, because many people already know that, including me. What I did not know though was that 8% - 10% of all couples that get into a stable relationship, do not fall out of love or out of their crush and stay addicted to each other mutually for the rest of their lives. I think that kind of relationship is something to strive for. That's the holy grail of relationships right there, except only very few people get to experience it. Edited February 9, 2011 by Nexus One
Nexus One Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) And another thing that I heard I thought was interesting. The area of the brain with which a human experiences love, attachment and addiction is the same part of the brain with which people experience pain. This actually fits right in with a definition of love I once read about: "Love is the desire to be one with the other person". Now that's not (entirely) possible, so instead you feel suffering from that detachment. People probably know the feeling when they say or think: "I love you so much it hurts". Another interesting thing I read was that technically you as a human being cannot fall in love with another person, but only fall in love with the image of that other person that resides in your head. This again fits with an article I read about scientists having proven all sensory input that the body takes in is only 10% of what the human brain uses to form an experience. Meaning if you look at an apple, then 90% of what you see with your brain is created by the brain, only 10% is from the actual sensory input. (f.i. photons hitting your retina) Edited February 9, 2011 by Nexus One
Cee Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Funny you said two years, Nexus. That was typically my longest relationship. The only one that lasted longer was the one where we would have conflict, but overcame it, and then fell deeper in love. It was the weirdest thing. I kept finding new wellsprings of feeling for him. I guess why I still consider him the great love of my life. We didn't make it in the long run, but it wasn't because we fell out of love.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 That describes myself and one particular ex to a T. I only hope that I can find someone I can have that with but even better. It's like a relationship that does not have conflicts is just one built on that "in love" feeling...which never ever last.
Eeyore79 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I typically lose interest in a guy in less than six months (sometimes as little as 1-3 months). I always think that if my interest in a guy can outlast six months I'll be safely out of the honeymoon period, and I'll know that I genuinely like him and I'm not just temporarily infatuated. The stage where you become disillusioned with your partner and figure out what they're like in reality probably lasts up to 12 months in my experience. For me, this is usually the stage where I realize the guy isn't like I thought, and I lose interest. This is the stage in which most relationships end with one person dumping the other. By this point you're probably 6-18 months into the relationship, and if you've decided that the person is ok and you want to stay with them, the "stability" phase sets in. This is where you're comfy with each other, and you probably start at least thinking about marriage, though you might wait until the stability has been established for a while before you decide to commit. However, instead of entering the "stability" phase, I think a relationship can instead enter alternative stage where you've decided you don't want to be with someone but haven't yet worked up the motivation to dump them. This can drag on for a couple of years, and to onlookers it may look very much like the "stability" phase; your partner may even think you're in a stable relationship, and only you know that you really don't intend to commit to that person. It's probably a shock to your partner and everyone else when you end a seemingly stable relationship, though you actually knew for a long time that it wasn't what you wanted. You have to be careful that your partner isn't in this stage when you think you have stability!
Author lenny Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Anyone have any good tips on how to determine if your out of the googlyeyes stage and into something real (outside of comments such as will you fart in front of him)?
avarb Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 your stages sound to negative> Try these: Preparation Infatuation Illumination Evaluation Maturation If you think of it in this way you wil be more empowered. FOr Example, how much tie do you spend in Preparation for a relationship and what does that entail. How long does it take to get illuminated about the other person and their connection to you? It works for me. Good luck
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