Holly1986 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 My boyfriend and I have dated for about two years. We are both in our mid 20 to late 20's. We feel in love really quickly and I felt he was the one. We decided after a year together to move to a new state together. He would have done anything for me and sacrificed everything to be with me. He was the nicest, sweetest, most genuine guy I ever met. Then, all of a sudden I felt he changed dramatically. This was in November of this year. He started to act distant, cold and moody. I caught him contacting other girls but he says that they were just friends. Because of this, and because I caught him lying to me about other things I changed. I became insecure, paranoid and I started to accuse him every day of cheating. I am so ashamed of my behavior but I feel his lies and attitude just freaked me out and made me a paranoid mess. This went on for a few weeks and he decided it wasn't working and we decided to take a break. He said he needs to dedicate himself more to his career as he is a very creative person and is very passionate about his job. He says I did not give him enough space to do this so he broke up with me. He said that he would not be able to give me the confidence I needed and he can't make me happy anymore. I have never seen him so upset. He couldn't stop crying and neither could I. Our hearts just broke..... A few days later he decided he wanted me back and told me he loved me so much. I took him back. This lasted for a month or so. I wasn't happy and he didn't seem happy with me as I was a mess and insecure after how he treated me. After the 'break' I felt it was wrong to still be with him even though I love him. However, we went on a small vacation shortly after our break up and had a wonderful time. It was like falling in love all over again. I could feel he really loved me. He told me he could look at me every day for the rest of his life. I told him how upset I was over the last few weeks and how I started to trust him again. He seemed happy and reassured me that he still loved me and wanted only me. Then, we got back to real life, I stayed with my family for a bit to see them. He went home. When he was home I asked him over the phone if things had actually changed. I told him I respected his space but really didn't want to be second to his career. I asked him how much time he still had available for me during the week. He said he would think about it. The next day he broke up with me. I was devastated and I could tell he was too. I know that he wanted to be with me and make me happy but he physically couldn't. He told me he still loved me and that it was the hardest decision he ever had to make. He told me I was still his best friend. So that was maybe 3 weeks ago. I am still with my family but I have to go back home soon as I have a job there, near him. We share all the same mutual friends and had an excellent social life together. So I know I have to face it soon. However, I am coping well after our break up. I have being very mature about it and taking care of myself. I have gone out and socialized but have not drunk much or done anything crazy. I have flirted with many guys and I even went on a date. Of course I am doing this as I am in rebound and it did cheer me up. But, I still love my ex. Anyway, he is keeping in a lot of contact with me and as I still love him I can't stop him. He calls me quite often, emails etc. But it's mainly phone calls before he goes to bed. He called me 6 times on Sunday, he texted, emailed me and I never got back to him. The next day he called me to see why I didn't answer. I told him because its hard to be friends with him. We spoke for a while and then emailed each other. Today we spoke again on the phone. He told me he is not over me yet. I told him I am not over him yet either. I told him that if he lied to me and said he was over me that I would move on. But he refused to tell me that. Instead he got quite stressed out. He just says he wants me to be happy. He says most boyfriends don't want their exes to move on quickly but he says for my own benefit he wants me to. He told me one of the main reasons he broke up is because I put him on the spot about commitment. He said that he can't dedicate that much time for me and next year we will both go to different places. This is true. I can see how the longer it continues the worse the hurt will be. It kills me inside as I just want to hug him and love him. I feel so lost and lonely without him. I told him I am moving on and am happier without him, which is a little bit true! But I WANT him so badly. He said he will call me tomorrow. He told me he is still attracted to me and that there is no other girl he wants but right now he isn't able to sacrifice his career to make me happy. I don't want him to sacrifice anything anymore. I would support him. I can't tell him this though as I can't face him rejecting me again. Any advice, what do I do? He really wants to stay in contact after I told him that I can't be friends right now. I am not strong enough to cut him out yet. I will see him in a few weeks as I have to collect my stuff from his. I am worried when I see him I will just want to be with him. I'm not sure I can resist a kiss!! I'm not sure he will respond back to it. I know it is terrible behavior that I am wanting to happen. I would like a really casual relationship with him. I have not told him this. I know that I can meet a guy no problem. There are no shortages of decent guys around. But,......I don't want them!! It's only him. How long will this awful feeling last? Also, I have never had real break up sex as I know it is so harmful. But I just want to show him I love him and feel that way again. Would this be a really unhealthy way to behave? I can't believe I am thinking that way. Is this normal?
gator12 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 NC is your solution right now. Neither of you know what you want at this current time, and you both being in each other's lives complicates that even more so. Your second chance barely made it a month because it happened too early. You guys didn't have enough time apart to really learn from your mistakes and heal. If you still love the guy then don't be backburnered as a "friend". It will make you miserable while he moves on with his life. You need to go into strict NC, no answering anything he sends you. ANYTHING at all. You need to take a step back and heal yourself, if the relationship is meant to be he will come back. But right now being close to him will only harm you and any chances at a second chance. Take this time and heal yourself, look at the relationship from an objective standpoint. Everything you have said has been emotional, you are not over him. If you are not over a guy you cannot be friends, it does not work. -Gator
Trovador Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Being friends is too painful, you start to expect more from your ex and you also feel like you two share rights and duties when the truth is far of it... Refusing to be friends with your ex is the only way to avoid new injuries... as I say, I have enough with the old ones... NC is less hellish than keeping contact, I should know, I'm into my first week of NC, against the wishes of my ex, who insisted adamantly on being friends since the break up...
gator12 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Being friends is too painful, you start to expect more from your ex and you also feel like you two share rights and duties when the truth is far of it... Refusing to be friends with your ex is the only way to avoid new injuries... as I say, I have enough with the old ones... NC is less hellish than keeping contact, I should know, I'm into my first week of NC, against the wishes of my ex, who insisted adamantly on being friends since the break up... Know that you're doing the right thing trovador. Exes need to realize, when they cut that tie with us, they lose us for good. Maybe you'll be friends in the future, maybe she'll even come back, it all doesn't matter we're in NC for us and nothing else.
JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Personally I do not believe in keeping exes around as friends. Things did not work out for one reason or another. I just move on. i can't be friends with an ex-girlfriend. What's the point anyway? I'm only looking for one kind of woman. That women will be my best friend, my lover, my companion, and the mother of my children. To me anything less than that is settling in my book. My guy friends I have for everything else.
Recommended Posts