RomoGuy Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 2-8-11 This is this is my first time writing basically anything other than love notes I had sent to xxxxxxx, since High School. She always told me I should start a journal. I have way to much inside of me, I have to let it out. Since my fairy tail relationship ended with xxxxxxx, there is much I have learned. We are both genuine people, I did bunch of stupid things I regret to her. I lied to her about never having slept with xxx before I had met her, that is the main one I regret the most. That is the only thing I have ever lied to her about, but it bugged me so much, I'm glad I confessed to her later. I wonder if that was one of the red flags she saw in me? I should have put more interest in the things that made her happy, even the ones I didn't enjoy as much. I totally shot down a bunch of things she liked, like some of the music, the drawing, her writing... I just wish that I had shown more interest in these things and not projected negativity toward them because of my own insecurities. When she called me out on it at one point, I felt like such a moron. I apologized. I cant believe how selfish I was, I hope she has forgiven me truly for those things, even though she is not mine today. I knew how much she loved salsa dancing, which I had never done before meeting her. I would stay up late watching youtube videos to learn, I was horrible at it, haha. But I tried, because I knew this was a true passion of hers. Maby If I would have shown as much interest in her other interests as I did in salsa dancing, she may still have been with me today. Lesson learned. Everything was so perfect with her, too perfect. We both got scared. We we both expected perfection all the time from each other and when one of us slipped, the other would get worried. We would back off and get distant when the other would slip. We would start seeing flaws that didn't even exist. Kind of like an empty white canvas, thats what we saw eachother as. Every little "flaw" even things in the past, were so much more visible on a white canvas. We created "perfect" in our mind and when we couldn't provide perfect, it caused issues. We would always end up working through issues, literally any issue. But the canvas wasn't as white anymore, Even though we knew how perfect we were for each other. We new that we both had flaws. She would tell me how perfect I am everyday, and I would reply, "perfect for you". Sometimes I felt like I was being put under a telescope, things in my past started to haunt me. Even though she said she had forgiven the things I had done, I don't believe she truly did. I don't think she was able to truly let my past go and accept me for the man I was while we were dating. She influenced me in a positive way, I was getting better daily. I think she just couldn't help but think in the back of her mind that she was the glue holding the new and better 'me' together. You can't change a person. I did not make these improvements to Impress her, or to pretend I was someone I was not. I did these things for me, because if you want to live a certain way, you have to be a certain way. And that's what I was doing, I was improving myself, to get where I saw I wanted to be. To xxxxxxx, Last night was the first time I saw you since the breakup. I had seen visions of you, but last night we were together. It hurts to see you a bit, but I can't control my dreams. It was so good to talk to you again, it's been almost 6 weeks since the breakup when you decided we can't be friends after, so we can both focus on what we need to do. We talked about how I messaged your brother xxxx in Afghanistan on facebook, just small talk just wanted to see how he was doing. There have been so many sleepless nights without you. I actually ran into your sisters xxxxx and xxxxx the other night in my dream. We talked about the breakup, I explained some of the issues with them. They were really nice, they always were. When you left I was so mad at myself. I felt like a failure. As the days past, I got mad at my parents, you said you left because I was disrespectful when talking to them sometimes and that maby one day I'll be disrespectful toward you. A few more days past then I realized, that was not truly the reason you left. When you told me "God made it clear as day that your not the man for me", It felt like you ripped me heart out of my chest and disposed of it as far from you as possible. Though I don't know the true reason you left and may never know, I am willing to accept your decision. I can't make you want to be with me. I still feel you are "the one" for me, like I told you before. I meant every word I told you. I remember a couple weeks before the breakup, you told me one night, "don't ever leave me". I looked at you like you were crazy and told you that I would never leave, I will always love you and be yours. I meant every word I had said to you. But If you truly meant what you had said, I know we will be with each other again one day. If not, it's a shame and I can't help but to feel led on. But I am willing to accept whatever God has in store for me. I could never hate you for what you have done to me, I am becoming stronger daily. I Know I will come out of this experience even better than I was before it happened. And that kind of makes me excited in a way. I miss you soooo very much xxxxxxx. And I love you with all my heart, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I'm with you. I wish you the best, you are always a part of me
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