blissfullyoblivious Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Nothing has changed for them. Everything has changed for me. I can see how little he thinks of her and it makes me sad. He did not cut me off or seek revenge. He tells me I make him happy and that he still loves me. The problem is I no longer feel the same. I resent him for not 'doing the right thing'. I resent her for not taking control of her life so that he does not stamp on her heart again. I thought he would leave me alone. The plan backfired. What is the point of coming clean to the BS if they do not care?
Hazyhead Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Bliss, your post made me sad. Why are you still spending so much thinking time on them? You need to let him go. His wife, she'll do what she does but you, you're kinda behaving similarly. It seems to me that you still want him, even though you know you want more. Make a decision for you and follow through. He will always bounce back if you let him and that will continue to hurt you. Trust me, I know what you're going through but you can do it. Shut that door. It will be painful, but worth it in the long run. Hugs, Hazy
jthorne Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Who said the BS doesn't care? If you weren't in the household, you don't know for sure what he told her. And oh yeah- he IS doing the right thing. FOR HIM. You gave it a year. Cut your losses and run.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Thanks Hazy. I wish I didn't have to hear about the details but he is trying to convince me to hold tight. He wants her to divorce him and it has become a battle of wills. I know total coward.
NoIDidn't Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I'm glad that seeing how he treats his W and you have made you reconsider your feelings for him. If she won't set herself free, you really don't have to worry about that. You have the power to set yourself free though. Did you really out him for her benefit? Or in hopes that he would "do the right thing" and be with the woman he told you he loved more? Maybe she rightly sensed that you weren't outting him for her benefit but for your own. She's likely got more invested in their R and life than she is ready to let go of just yet. I don't know what you have, but I'm sure it can't be the same as his W. The way he is treating her is likely the way he would treat anyone he's married to. Remember that.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Who said the BS doesn't care? If you weren't in the household, you don't know for sure what he told her. And oh yeah- he IS doing the right thing. FOR HIM. You gave it a year. Cut your losses and run. I know first hand what she told me!
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I'm glad that seeing how he treats his W and you have made you reconsider your feelings for him. If she won't set herself free, you really don't have to worry about that. You have the power to set yourself free though. Did you really out him for her benefit? Or in hopes that he would "do the right thing" and be with the woman he told you he loved more? Maybe she rightly sensed that you weren't outting him for her benefit but for your own. She's likely got more invested in their R and life than she is ready to let go of just yet. I don't know what you have, but I'm sure it can't be the same as his W. The way he is treating her is likely the way he would treat anyone he's marrie d to. Remember that. No I didn't want him by default. I just hated the lying. I wonder whether part of the thrill for him his making her crazy. I have no intention of getting married.
woinlove Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I know first hand what she told me! Do you know she told you the truth? Sometimes the OW lies to the W or the W lies to the OW. It seems to come with the territory of being tied to a MM who has tried to deceive the W and the W (and often the OW) not knowing who to trust once she learns she cannot trust her H. Maybe she didn't believe you, maybe she didn't want you to see her pain, maybe something else. I'm not saying the W lied to you, because I don't know anything about her, but I just wonder if you feel you know that she told you the truth.
NoIDidn't Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 No I didn't want him by default. I just hated the lying. I wonder whether part of the thrill for him his making her crazy. I have no intention of getting married. Some guys are like that. I have dated a few of them. I'm sure you didn't want him by default, but I can understand the desire to force their hand. I really can. Its a form of abuse on his part and controlling her options. She is doing what any person fighting for their sanity would do: make him inact his own plan. She probably doesn't care for him and the way that he treats her. Its not the best way to live, but she isn't letting him force her hand by giving him what he wants. He can just as easily walk into a lawyer's office and initiate the divorce himself. I don't get the payoff he thinks he'll get by letting her do it. That's the mistake of many men. Not knowing that the system REWARDS the one that initiates the divorce has hurt many a husband whether he was the cheater or being cheated on. Ignorace isn't bliss.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Nothing has changed for them. Everything has changed for me. I can see how little he thinks of her and it makes me sad. He did not cut me off or seek revenge. He tells me I make him happy and that he still loves me. The problem is I no longer feel the same. I resent him for not 'doing the right thing'. I resent her for not taking control of her life so that he does not stamp on her heart again. I thought he would leave me alone. The plan backfired. What is the point of coming clean to the BS if they do not care? Did she actually SAY this to your directly, or is this what HE'S told you. Big difference. She's probably under the impression that you are gone, out of his life and he is playing her. So, if you feel so concerned for her, why not call her and tell her what's going on..A year later. Are you still having an affair with him, or just in contact with him? You gotta take responsibility here too. YOU could have ignored him and blocked him so you woudln't know what is going on in his life. Or maybe she has an OM on the side. Who knows.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks Hazy. I wish I didn't have to hear about the details but he is trying to convince me to hold tight. He wants her to divorce him and it has become a battle of wills. I know total coward. Uhmm, who is the coward? You or him? Why don't YOU walk away from him since he is telling you one thing and doing another. Why are you letting him decide and dictate your life? you say you 'wish' you didn't have to hear about it, well, STOP listening. Again, stop putting all the blame on him and his wife. If he wants to divorce her, he will. With or without her blessing. Sounds like he's playing you BOTH like a fiddle. Sad.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I know first hand what she told me! If this is true, then he should be divorced by now. But, he isn't..So, what does that tell you? Either she lied to you and didn't want you to know what she thinks or feels, or she told you the truth, why aren't they divorced? There's alot of lying and omitting going on here, question is, what do YOU believe and why?
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 No I didn't want him by default. I just hated the lying. I wonder whether part of the thrill for him his making her crazy. I have no intention of getting married. SO, why are you still in contact with him if you don't want to marry him? Why did you even bother having an affair, and outting him to his wife if you didn't want him? If you want it over, MAKE IT OVER and stop putting all the responsibility on him and his wife. You can walk away at anytime. If you feel weak and can't, then seek counselling to help you. Noone is holding a gun to your hea making you stay in this situation.
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 He sounds no different than she does based on your description. He is waiting for her to leave him.....PUNK MOVE! She doesn't care and stays..imo....PUNK MOVE! But she is informed and has made a choice. He has too. He stays also.
fooled once Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 So if he is so miserable, why hasn't HE left? Why should his wife? He is the cheater. She may be waiting to see what HE does. Why are you still with him? Why do you still care? Why would anyone be with a coward, because that is what HE is since he hasn't left.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Do you know she told you the truth? Sometimes the OW lies to the W or the W lies to the OW. It seems to come with the territory of being tied to a MM who has tried to deceive the W and the W (and often the OW) not knowing who to trust once she learns she cannot trust her H. Maybe she didn't believe you, maybe she didn't want you to see her pain, maybe something else. I'm not saying the W lied to you, because I don't know anything about her, but I just wonder if you feel you know that she told you the truth. I was very nervous and concentrated on her words rather than tone. It may have been bravado. I just wanted the conversation over and done with.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Did she actually SAY this to your directly, or is this what HE'S told you. Big difference. She's probably under the impression that you are gone, out of his life and he is playing her. So, if you feel so concerned for her, why not call her and tell her what's going on..A year later. Are you still having an affair with him, or just in contact with him? You gotta take responsibility here too. YOU could have ignored him and blocked him so you woudln't know what is going on in his life. Or maybe she has an OM on the side. Who knows. We had a conversation. I told her what she needed to know. I guess a BS would love me to walk away and leave then to it but my conscience is clear. Can there be an affair when the spouse is enabling the "relationship".
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 SO, why are you still in contact with him if you don't want to marry him? Why did you even bother having an affair, and outting him to his wife if you didn't want him? If you want it over, MAKE IT OVER and stop putting all the responsibility on him and his wife. You can walk away at anytime. If you feel weak and can't, then seek counselling to help you. Noone is holding a gun to your hea making you stay in this situation. It appears that my story has triggered you. Not all relationships should have marriage as the end result. I believe that is one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high. I don't like lying and she needed to know. I don't like what he is doing to her (or what she accepts) but it gives me pause to think that he is clearly not lying to ME about how he feels about his wife. There is no inconsistency between his words and actions. I have never asked him to leave. Why should I? He can do whatever he likes now i.e. spend as much time with me as I will allow.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 He sounds no different than she does based on your description. He is waiting for her to leave him.....PUNK MOVE! She doesn't care and stays..imo....PUNK MOVE! But she is informed and has made a choice. He has too. He stays also.[/ He has no reason to leave her when she is so amenable to his extra curricular activities. She could be playing the long game holding on until he realises that he will NEVER find anyone as accommodating as her. E.g. She called him yesterday afternoon asking him what he wanted for his tea. He told her he would be home late then asked me if I wanted to grab a bite with him. We work together so i heard this first hand. I had a yoga class so declined so he went out with some of the guys for a few beers. He met me at the studio afterwards and gave me a lift home. He can be very thoughtful.
NoIDidn't Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 But Bliss, I thought you were "tired of the lying"? You stood there and heard her reaching out to him in a way that would have allowed communication between them and watched and heard him deliberately lie to her. And then state that he was "thoughtful" because he gave you a lift home after lying to his W about what he was actually doing?!! This is one of the reasons for the seemingly angry posts that are read on this forum/thread. The lack of connection of one set of behaviors that makes one unhappy about the A, and the rationalizing that some small act, made possible by the very thing one was complaining about (the lying) was actually a good thing (?!!!). You will have to see this contradiction of terms for yourself in order to make positive changes to either get what you want out of the A, as it seems he's not leaving ever if she never files for him, or get out of it.
Trimmer Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I'm a little unclear... Are you satisfied with things the way they are... I have never asked him to leave. Why should I? He can do whatever he likes now i.e. spend as much time with me as I will allow. or are you unsatisfied: I resent him for not 'doing the right thing'.... I thought he would leave me alone. The plan backfired. Do you know how you want things to end up?
woinlove Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I was very nervous and concentrated on her words rather than tone. It may have been bravado. I just wanted the conversation over and done with. If you had one conversation with the W 12 months ago where she said she didn't care that he was seeing you and MM has continued seeing you and saying he loves you and is waiting for his W to divorce him, then most likely there is plenty of lying going on. Because something isn't adding up there. When there are no lies, things make sense. The fact that you feel you "outed MM to his W" means he wasn't telling her himself, and if he lied before about you, he likely is lying again. He may be giving her his own version of the "truth", that is whatever he wants her to believe. What isn't clear is what you want. You say everything has changed for you, but from what you post, it is not clear what has changed. It sounds like you were seeing him and he was married before, and since you outed him, you have been seeing him and he is married. When the A has been going on for a while, typically nothing changes unless the AP or the MM make something change. The W has her own wants, but her H usually isn't doing what she wants and the AP and MM control the A. Nothing you write suggests MM wants things to change, since if he really wanted a divorce, he wouldn't wait for his W to want one. What do you want to change and what are you trying to do to get that change?
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 I'm a little unclear... Are you satisfied with things the way they are... or are you unsatisfied: Do you know how you want things to end up? I honestly don't know. I spoke to his wife after I had read a post on LS about letting the BS know and it resonated with me. I thought it would nip things in the bud/throw a light on the situtaion that would make all parties consider their positions. I was extremely surprised that nothing changed. I have lurked here for a while and know that the odds aren't good for a healthy stable relationship if he leaves. He loved his wife and married her yet treats her with contempt.I would be waiting for him to turn on me.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 But Bliss, I thought you were "tired of the lying"? You stood there and heard her reaching out to him in a way that would have allowed communication between them and watched and heard him deliberately lie to her. And then state that he was "thoughtful" because he gave you a lift home after lying to his W about what he was actually doing?!! This is one of the reasons for the seemingly angry posts that are read on this forum/thread. The lack of connection of one set of behaviors that makes one unhappy about the A, and the rationalizing that some small act, made possible by the very thing one was complaining about (the lying) was actually a good thing (?!!!). You will have to see this contradiction of terms for yourself in order to make positive changes to either get what you want out of the A, as it seems he's not leaving ever if she never files for him, or get out of it. MM had no plans to stay out late until she called. He did stay out late. He didn't lie to her
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 If you had one conversation with the W 12 months ago where she said she didn't care that he was seeing you and MM has continued seeing you and saying he loves you and is waiting for his W to divorce him, then most likely there is plenty of lying going on. Because something isn't adding up there. When there are no lies, things make sense. The fact that you feel you "outed MM to his W" means he wasn't telling her himself, and if he lied before about you, he likely is lying again. He may be giving her his own version of the "truth", that is whatever he wants her to believe. What isn't clear is what you want. You say everything has changed for you, but from what you post, it is not clear what has changed. It sounds like you were seeing him and he was married before, and since you outed him, you have been seeing him and he is married. When the A has been going on for a while, typically nothing changes unless the AP or the MM make something change. The W has her own wants, but her H usually isn't doing what she wants and the AP and MM control the A. Nothing you write suggests MM wants things to change, since if he really wanted a divorce, he wouldn't wait for his W to want one. What do you want to change and what are you trying to do to get that change? I blindsided him and I don't regret it. He had absolutely no idea.
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