is it worth it?

[Stilicho]

in the middle of the past december, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up after it was discovered that she kissed a guy from her job. basically, she had been lying about this guys advances, and one night, they ended up kissing. Mind you, we were about to take a month long trip through europe together on our winter break. needless to say, the trip was cancelled.

 

After the break up, i entered into L.C with her for a while, than strict N.C until the start of school last week. During this time, i did the break up routine of gym and friends, while she started casually seeing this kid. when school started, contact at this point became inevitable, as she is in 2 of my classes. i ignored her completely, which seemed to drive her crazy, to the point of her forcing contact.

 

each time she contacted, she would act extremely nice, and i would be indifferent. than, last week, i basically said everything to her that ive held back up to this point(basically calling her a liar, cheat, etc). she began to cry, being that we were in school, i didnt want to make a scene, so we went outside to my car. in my car, she opened up alot to me, and apologized, continued to cry, and told me basically alot of things she never said. i opened up as well about things i did wrong in the relationship, but made it clear that it did not compare to what she did.

 

i admit, i was over controlling, to the point where i didnt like her going to the gym alone, bc i didnt want guys hitting on her, as she is very beautiful, i also didnt like her talking to any guy friends, as i dont believe that any "guy friends" want to be just that. in retrospect, i know i went overboard with my controlling demeanor, but, she was the same way. it also didnt help that she had no friends besides me, which led to her wanting me by herside at all times, resulting in us suffocating each other.

 

after the convo where she opened up alot, we agreed not to talk to each other anymore. the following school day, as i was leaving ny car to the bus, she approached me, and was acting like we were together again. flirting, laughing, etc. i was still mainting indifference, but it was admittedly hard. since that day, she seems to find me on campus and acts the same way, trying to walk me to class, etc.

 

i know she is trying to see if im still interested, and gauging my reactions to her. but the thing is, i have started seeing another girl, albeit casually, and im not sure if i should try anything with her again, as she betrayed my trust.

 

i guess the question is, given what she did, combined with my admittedly controlling behavior(which may have played a factor? you tell me), if she does as im expecting, should i try again with her, knowing that we had 2 great years together? or should i just forget her?

she hurt me greatly, but i guess my lack of trust i showed in her by controlling her also hurt her, although i never intended it, and i know cheating is on an entirely different level.

 

If i do, i will make sure it is on my terms, and will start very casually, as i want to see things through with this new girl(whom i would inform of the situation). her and the other guy never slept together, if taht makes any difference.

 

basically, id like some input from everybody, and thanks for braving a long read

[gator12]

Well, to be honest, the answer to your question lies only with you. You're the only one who really can give you the right answer. But here's my take at it.

 

You guys had problems in a relationship, guess what all couples do, completely normal. She kissed another guy, well be thankful that is all she did. Cheating is a hard thing in any relationship, the fact is you can only take her back if you are really willing to work past it. And I mean really work, trust is hard to gain back and she has to be committed to it. And while you shouldn;t make it easier for her to come back don't rub it in her face so much about cheating because yea she did hurt you but if you never forgive her the relationship will never work. That in and of itself is your hardest challenge at making a second chance work.

 

Your other issues, the control issue, the only thing I can say to that is practice makes perfect. It'll take some work but if you're really committed too it you can make it work. It's good that you've noticed all of the issues in your relationship, but you need to keep in mind that you need to fight all of them should you date her again. If they aren't dealt with you WILL be back here again in 1 year maybe 2 who knows how many, but eventually you will be. Communication is the key to any relationship and I'll give you my justification for that.

 

Women, are great with emotions but terrible at communication, and they expect guys to know when something hurts them. Men are terrible with emotion but great at communication so we expect to be told when something hurts a girl that we of course won't notice. *Sigh* This ruins too many relationships.

 

Idk, this is all just general advice to help you make your decision, you've got the whole NC on your terms thing down so I don't need to advise that. I am just saying it will be alot of work, and you both have to be prepared for it should you go for it again. But if you really want another go, why the hell not?

 

-Gator

[Stilicho]

thanks gator, i guess the problem i have is if i can forgive her for what she did. I loved her more than anything, and this hit me like a ton of bricks. It didnt help that she turned very cold right afterward.

 

I do still have feelings for her, but i feel that in the long run it may be too much to overcome. at the same time, i dont want to regret not taking a 2nd chance sometime down the line, due to the offchance it might work out.

 

Ill be talking to her today sometime, and i guess ill see where it ends up at.

 

Does anybody think that what she did is a forgivable offense? especially when taken into account with my controlling tendencies?

[Albertan]

Is what she did forgivable? Yes.

Even with your controlling tendencies? Probably not.

 

If you're already moving on with a new girl then it's probably best just to knock things on the head with the ex. You are who you are, rightly or wrongly and while I think controlling her to the extent you don't want her to go the gym by herself is extreme - you gotta have some trust at some point - she broke that trust, hurt you and as much as you want to get over it, do you really think you could?

 

Live and learn dude.

[gator12]

thanks gator, i guess the problem i have is if i can forgive her for what she did. I loved her more than anything, and this hit me like a ton of bricks. It didnt help that she turned very cold right afterward.

 

I do still have feelings for her, but i feel that in the long run it may be too much to overcome. at the same time, i dont want to regret not taking a 2nd chance sometime down the line, due to the offchance it might work out.

 

Ill be talking to her today sometime, and i guess ill see where it ends up at.

 

Does anybody think that what she did is a forgivable offense? especially when taken into account with my controlling tendencies?

 

Well it was only a kiss, so that makes it easier to forgive. My ex cheated on me as well and it was only a kiss, and I've moved past it as much as I can on my own. I would love to give it a second try knowing it would be a lot of work.

 

The only one who knows is you to be honest, it will plague the relationship for the first month at least, it takes time to work past it, and she has to show you she is truly sorry for it like my ex did. The thing is, if you can't see yourself getting past it then there is no point in going for a second chance at things. It will only serve to ruin any relationship you get into. I mean besides cheating, you have to tackle the issue of why she did it and fix that, as well as any issues that lead to an unhappy relationship/breakup.

 

I know most people disagree with what I'm about to say. But women cheat for a reason, unless she is a complete sl** she cheated on you because she was unhappy in the relationship in some way and that guy took advantage of her vulnerability. It is by no means an excuse but you have to really understand the root cause of cheating before you can deal with it.

 

Idk if you're willing to work through it, and think you can then go for it. The worst part of life is having to look back in regret and go "what if?"

 

-Gator