Third chances anybody? If I go NC, how can I show her self-change and improvement?

[dextm]

The NC guide worked for me the first time but I'm afraid it ain't gonna work a second. Me and my coworker have been together longer since the first breakup - yes, we're progressing, 5 months to be exact - but nevertheless we've fallen back into the same pattern. She gets extremely cranky, rude, downright insulting when she's on her period (no compromise on anything whatsoever), and I get extremely cranky, rude when I don't get what I want. I've also mocked her jokingly, non-maliciously, privately, in an attempt to make her "better". Simply put, we both have strong, fiery characters. But we love each other a lot, so that shouldn't be an issue right?

 

She asked for an indefinite break 10 days ago (right after I helped her move into her new apartment and settle in and yeah, she was on her period lol). Out of anger (my mistake), I asked her "Why don't we just breakup?" to which she said "Okay" and this is where we are now. Broken up for the third time (1 minor, 1 major, this being our 2nd major...?) in 1 year. To this day I still can't figure out why I must constantly challenge one's decision instead of just listening and taking a step back . Am I that self-absorbed, selfish, and inconsiderate? Maybe because deep inside I knew she'd dump me eventually, so why not go and initiate the inevitable (hey, on the bright side, it saved my wallet $300)?

 

We've talked a bit since the breakup and she somehow convinced me that I'm the big, bad evil guy, the one that's taking everything and giving nothing. I agree with some of her points, and she is right for the most part, but she loves to exaggerate and focus on the negatives which pisses me off because we definitely had more good times than bad. She just chooses to remember the bad . Anyhow, I know what I need to change to be a better man...I've improved on some of the points since our first break up, but it's not at the level she wants. She wants instant results, but I'm only providing gradual, if not barely noticeable results.. I really believe I'm taking a step forward, just not the LEAP that she wants.

 

What should I do now? She wants us to be good friends, back to the way things were before we started dating. I said I'd try but no guarantees. Should I even bother? Or should I go NC forever? Somehow, I feel that being a good friend to her, and showing noticeable change and improvement in real-time to her is the best course of action. I'm not even talking about BF stuff, well some...simple things, like listening to her, supporting her, making her laugh, not mocking her, but rather teaching her...things that got us close in the first place..maybe that will bring us back together one last time? Or will it be a heartbreaker when she finally meets "him"? Even if I don't get her back, I would have improved myself and taught myself lessons for my next relationship no?

 

What do you guys think?

[gator12]

Agree with improving yourself and the whole nine yards. Except being her friend through it. You don't want that, you want a relationship, the only way to get a relationship with her again is NC or moving on to a new one. Either way you do not talk to her. You improve, on your own, for you. If she comes back, she'll come back if not then it wasn't meant to be but you'll be a better guy for the next girl you date.

 

It seems like the same issues broke you guys up the second time, and should you guys get back together again you need to deal with these issues, another chance is definitly possible in some relationships but if the issues aren't dealt with on Both sides then you'll be here in another 6 months. Communication is the key to getting your second chance to work, I can't stress that enough. But right now you need to work on you, and if she comes back is the time when you get to work on "us".

 

Ooo and never bring up that you've changed this behavior or that habit etc, let your actions show it. That saying exists for a reason, and if you never say it and she just notices it on her own it's all the more meaningful.

 

-Gator

[dextm]

She works in the same office as me, different department. And she knows me well enough. How do I pretend to ignore her, pretend not to care about her, when I do? Hide in a corner and don't eat lunch with our mutual friends anymore? When running into each other, look at her for one second, say hi, then walk/look away? I've tried NC before, I'm not sure I can repeat the same performance and achieve the same results.

[gator12]

NC is the only shot im afraid. I mean little hey's and good mornings are fine in passing I guess if you can't avoid it. But no by all means hang out with your friends, just don't include her in your conversation. She does not have to know how you feel, in fact she doesn't and that is one of the things that will drive her crazy. If you don't want to try it, then don't but begging pleading, etc will not work they will only push her away.

 

Third chances are rare but definitly possible, my first ex and I split 3 times but got back together. NC is a necessity because you need to look at the relationship from an objective standpoint and decide what needs to be fixed and what needs to change. And then you have to fix that for you. To improve your next relationship, with whomever it will be.

 

Until then you have to stay strong an heal, when and if she wants you back it will be obvious. But it is better if it does not happen overnight, the longer the time apart the more chance for you guys to fix your mistakes and to make this time WORK. Instead of letting the same problems ruin the relationship again.

 

-Gator

[dextm]

Making her feel uncomfortable is suppose to heal things?

 

Why would she still want me if she knows that I'm still hanging onto the past?

[dextm]

One more q - if she asks for help, do I say yes or no?

[gator12]

Making her feel uncomfortable is suppose to heal things?

 

Why would she still want me if she knows that I'm still hanging onto the past?

 

Don't make her uncomfortable, just try not to hang out near her if at all possible but don't make yourself a hermit and isolate yourself either lol.

 

And she does not know what is going on in your head if you are in NC. That is the beauty of NC, she has no clue what is going on with you. You will be like a ghost. Which should answer your last question, no you shouldn't. The fact is when she dumped you, she lost any level of obligation you may have had to her. She is probably gonna say things like "you're being immature" "why are you ignoring me" etc to goad you into responding to her. You cannot respond, she needs to know you do not depend on her, and that when she broke up with you she lost ALL of you. That you are not going to be there for her (aka doormat) since she doesn't want you to be.

 

Dumpers want their cake and want to eat it too, it's up to us to not let them.

 

stay strong, NC goes against all common sense we have I know. But don't try and analyze it. The fact is girls don't think with their heads when it comes to relationships, it is all with their heart. So yea you could think "Well won't she give up if I ignore her." No don't think that, it will only push her even more. Her ego will be so scarred by the fact that you are not responding to her. It is very counterintuitive but my ex and I are on the verge of reconciliation and I stood strong throughout all of this. She sill hasn't said the "I want to get back together". But I've ignored her for 2 WEEKS of texts, phone calls, voicemails and she's still trying. NC does work and i in the end she doesn't want you back you will have the benefit of being moved on.

 

-Gator

[dextm]

Who is the dumper and who is the dumpee in this case? She asked for a break, I asked "why not just breakup?" and we DID break up right on the spot...now it appears that I want her back more than she wants me back. She even said, "even if we don't break up now, we'll break up 1-2 months down the road"....

[gator12]

She's the dumper. When a girl asks for a break she's already at the point of breaking up with you just inches from doing it. You're the one who misses her more and wants her back, all of the classic symptoms of being a dumpee. The fact is when she asked for a break you should be lucky it's a breakup. Most people go into breaks for a week or two and then miss each other and get back together and discover none of the issues that lead them there were solved and then break up a month later. Right now you need to focus on you and not getting her back, and fixing any things you know may have caused a breakup. This doesn't mean admitting fault, because both of you are responsible for it to some extent, but if you don't fix any problems you won't work out a second time. And I know you might not see many now, but a month of NC and thinking about the relationship really gets you to notice all the little things that just built up.

 

Until she comes back stay strong a heal. Work on yourself and come out a better person with or without her.

 

-Gator

[dextm]

She's the dumper. When a girl asks for a break she's already at the point of breaking up with you just inches from doing it. You're the one who misses her more and wants her back, all of the classic symptoms of being a dumpee. The fact is when she asked for a break you should be lucky it's a breakup. Most people go into breaks for a week or two and then miss each other and get back together and discover none of the issues that lead them there were solved and then break up a month later. Right now you need to focus on you and not getting her back, and fixing any things you know may have caused a breakup. This doesn't mean admitting fault, because both of you are responsible for it to some extent, but if you don't fix any problems you won't work out a second time. And I know you might not see many now, but a month of NC and thinking about the relationship really gets you to notice all the little things that just built up.

 

Until she comes back stay strong a heal. Work on yourself and come out a better person with or without her.

 

-Gator

 

Today, at the end of the day, we both left the office at the same time and ended up going to an after work farewell party together (yeah, I know, swirl some more rumours around the workplace). We were both calm and cool, did not talk about the relationship, did not give each other strange looks or weird each other, we were just friendly to each other. We talked about work (how it sucks), joked around....no relationship/break up talk. At the farewell party, we sat together (no choice, all seats were taken up, and people were expecting us to sit together anyways), ate together, again made small chat and made everything look nice and natural...in your opinion, was this good or bad for us?

 

----

 

Another thing, is there any time we should just give up on "waiting" and just settle and be friends? What benefit would there be if I were to continue NC for over a year?

[gator12]

My thoughts are nothing on it really. It was a friendly occurrence, most exes want to be friends after a break up so it wasn't really strange. But you handeled it very well not bringing up the relationship, I would caution against doing it again because it could signal to her that you're moved on and want to be friends.

 

And yea you can stop NC for one of two reasons. She wants to get back together, or two, you're over her. You cannot be friends with her until you reach that point and only you will know when that is. Some people say you can't be friends with an ex, but my best friend is an ex, so you never know. So given that it doesn't work out and she doesn't come back, then by all means be friends if you want too so long as you're over her.

 

-Gator

[dextm]

Gator, please help. I've updated the thread here, seems like no second chance anymore . http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t265013/

 

Mods, please close this thread