Emme Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Not sure if this is the right area but here goes. I’ve been the other woman. He has his life and I have mine. A few years back I ended it sexually when kids came in the picture but we still kept in touch. Once in a blue moon he’ll drop a line to see how I’m doing and we’d flirt just for old time sakes. Last year he contacted me and helped me through a rough emotional time. I never considered for a minute that what we had was a “relationship” I had just categorized it as sex. We talked about getting together (not sexually) since it has been years and I was up for it, then all of a sudden…… He ended our “relationship”. His wife basically told him to drop me off at the rehab clinic. So now I’m going through detox. I have no details as to how she now knows, but she does. The thing is I knew that he was still a part of my life even though we weren’t together. Now I feel like I’ve lost my best friend in the whole wide world, the only person that knows the true me. I didn’t feel this way when I ended it sexually. Now we won’t even be in contact at all. It’s as if he never existed and I don’t know how to cope with that. I know I have to, but not sure if I can. I missed the sex I’m not going to lie but I could live without it. Living without having him be a part in my life is new and shocking at the same time. So, I am no longer the other woman. I’m also no longer a friend. I’ve been looking at the board and trying to find posts that might help. But honestly nothing does help…maybe time I guess.
Rose1977 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I'm sorry you're hurting. I assume your detox is going well since you are able to have internet access, and I hope it continues to go well. During detox and withdrawal/recovery we have a lot of thoughts as our brain is learning how to function normally without all the crap we have been messing it up with. I am not saying you don't actually miss him. You are going to miss him. But my first thought upon reading your post was that he gave you the greatest gift anyone could give you - he gave you your life back by caring enough to drive you to a detox. I think you need to hold that close to your heart as you continue with recovery. I even have to say his wife showed compassion to you by having him take you to rehab. Maybe you can and will see the positive in this when your detox is complete and you start feeling normal. Whatever normal is . Right now you need to focus on you and only you and getting yourself healthy. Do you have children?
jthorne Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Um, I think she was speaking figuratively about rehab. Assuming you are not at a REAL rehab clinic, I say get busy. Go to a gym, pick up a new hobby, go to church, clean out your closets, get out of town...
Author Emme Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I do mean it figuratively. Believe me when I say I understand what you’re saying Rose. I hear you loud and clear. I’ve given him up in that sense years ago, I mean years. The thing is he is also a dear friend. I’ve known him for over a decade. That’s what makes this difficult. I could have sworn I was perfectly fine but now I’m feeling it. Knowing that we may never be in contact again is like finding out your best friend has died. You can’t talk to them about what’s going on in life. I mean I can’t even be selfish. I can’t even imagine what him and his family is going through right now. I just didn’t know that it would hurt so much at the core of me. I just want my friend back.
jthorne Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Then give yourself a bit to mourn the friendship and move on. Do things to meet more friends. Do stuff to get out of your own head.
Author Emme Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 It's seems I don't have a choice. Gotta find something else to pull me out of this rut. Wish me luck... I am surely gonna need it.
Rose1977 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I am honestly laughing so hard I am crying right now. Me and my literal mind. OP, I was honestly wondering what kind of rehab you were in that was letting you use the computer. OMG, I have tears running down my face and now I am trying to explain this to my bf who thinks I have lost it. But, I can say, my analogy kind of works the same except that it's not D&A messing with your head, it's th affair. Still works the same, once you are detoxed you will be in a clearer state of mind. I need to go collect myself now, I have mascara running down my face. I will be back though, and OP, I truly am sorry you are hurting. Once I reread OP figuratively I am sure I will have a better response.
Author Emme Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Rose at first when I was reading your reply I was like oh she really thinks I'm in rehab then you said I should be happy he dropped me off. I thought you were joking at that point . Honey It does feel like rehab I don't care what anyone says. Detoxify my body and mind is what needs to happen but I doubt it.
Rose1977 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Emme, sadly I was serious that I thought it was nice of him and his wife to care enough to send you to rehab. But then again, I am an Italian who sent my family into hysterics when I in all seriousness asked my cousin what trucks he was following that things always fell off when he was behind them. On a lighter note, doesn't laughter make you feel better Glad I could be of service
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Knowing that we may never be in contact again is like finding out your best friend has died. Then treat it like a death. It is, a death of an affair that shouldn't have happened and an inappropriate friendship that obviously was affecting his marriage. He chose what was best for him and you have to accept and respect his decision. Painful I'm sure, but in the long run you're better off.
silktricks Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Emme, I'm so sorry that you are in pain. Things will get better for you, as time really is the great healer. I'm going to give you a disclaimer here, so you understand. I am a fBS whose husband had an EA. It was a long time ago, and all is well, but it was a rough time. Since you describe yourself as the OW, it seems that you are fully aware of the fact that your relationship, though not sexual, was still a form of infidelity, and it's not really surprising that his wife called a halt to it. I'm really sorry for you, though, and would encourage you to get as involved as possible in other endeavors. Get as busy as you can be while you emotions slowly regroup. Losing someone you count on can be devastating. I do have one question. Why did/do you consider him to be the only person who knows the real you? That signals to me a possible problem with you having limited yourself and your choices (but maybe I'm just assuming).
UntoldStory Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Emme, I totally get it. Once I found out about 2 months ago that xMM's W was pregnant, that put a stop to any/all sexual content in our R (it's long distance). So for 2 months now we've just been friends - and the really hard thing is, I know that this rosy glow of supporting each other and talking a couple of times a week and being BFFs just can't last forever. The other day I envisioned a more-than-likely scenario where she finds out, and he is forced to drop our friendship entirely, and it broke my heart. I know what you're going through now is in my future. So, I am pre-emptively moving on as best I can. Couple of dates here and there, and it won't be too long before I do find someone I connect with just as well.... Maybe not in the same way, but hopefully better because he'll be all mine. And you will find one, too. ((((hugs))))
Heather1 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 He probably told his W, not the whole story, but enough to have her radar on you. He couldn't cut ties, so he left it to her to decide. That's just my guess on it. Sadly, I think these are common abrupt endings unless the two of you decide to end things on your own. I know how you feel though, we were better friends too & I miss that part. Once we crossed the line it's been impossible to go back. It might be a good thing though? Maybe you rely on him too much? It's for sure not a healthy relationship, but it's really hard. You're going to grieve, but it'll be a good thing one day (right???)
alexandria35 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I'm sorry you're hurting. I assume your detox is going well since you are able to have internet access, and I hope it continues to go well. During detox and withdrawal/recovery we have a lot of thoughts as our brain is learning how to function normally without all the crap we have been messing it up with. I am not saying you don't actually miss him. You are going to miss him. But my first thought upon reading your post was that he gave you the greatest gift anyone could give you - he gave you your life back by caring enough to drive you to a detox. I think you need to hold that close to your heart as you continue with recovery. I even have to say his wife showed compassion to you by having him take you to rehab. Maybe you can and will see the positive in this when your detox is complete and you start feeling normal. Whatever normal is . Right now you need to focus on you and only you and getting yourself healthy. Do you have children? Rose this was the funniest thing I've seen in a while and probably the funniest post I've ever read on love shack, even if it was accidental:laugh::laugh: Reading "his wife showed compassion to you by having him take you to rehab" had my sides positively splitting:lmao::lmao: Thanks for cheering me up and thanks for keeping a sense of humor about it when you realized your mistake. Sorry for the threadjack
Author Emme Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 It's ok Rose it was great to laugh. I just have to watch what I say around you. Whichwayisup, It does feel like death, it's even worse. To actually know that the other person is out there and there is no contact. I do respect his decision just as he respected mine when I ended it physically. I just didn't think I would feel the emotions I'm feeling. Silktricks, we go way way back. We were both each others comfort zone in college. He knows the real me. The good, the bad, the ugly. Even to this day I don't think anyone knows me as well as he does. He was my friend, my best friend. Damn! I really f-ed up. UntoldStory, thanks for the hug. Oh I hope this doesn't happen to you. The freindship I think is harder to loose. I really didn't think anything of it and then all of a sudden It's like I miss him. Truly. I was ok when I ended it sexually. Hardly spoke and didn't see each other at all.... in years. I couldn't do children and sex. I was perfectly fine. Now it's my friend that is gone and this emotion I'm feeling is so unexpected. I just wish it would go away. Heather1, I hope this grieving ends soon. My heart can't take it. Loosing my friend is hurting more than loosing my lover. Lets hope it really is for the best. Thanks guys for letting me vent.
woinlove Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Silktricks, we go way way back. We were both each others comfort zone in college. He knows the real me. The good, the bad, the ugly. Even to this day I don't think anyone knows me as well as he does. He was my friend, my best friend. Damn! I really f-ed up. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Feeling that you lost your best friend because you f-ed up, as you put it, is heartbreaking. You do have a lot to grieve and it will take time. I don't have any advice, just was moved by you so succinctly and effectively summing up what hurts so much in your case.
Author Emme Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Woinlove, thanks, I'll be ok. I am in a daze. If one more person asks me if I'm ok, I might snap. I swear it feels like I'm having a heart attack. Even last night it's like this tightness and pressure on my chest, I was shaking like a leaf. I had to clinch my fists to get control of my body. I've grieved two deaths last year which he helped me through and this pain doesn't even compare. I wish we never told lies in life. We lie to other people, we lie to ourselves. If people we're just honest about their true emotions maybe relationships would be more meaningful. We always told each other that we loved each other. We said them as words with no meaning. I've finally confronted myself that they do have meaning. I was just too scared face it. All the world's a stage. Life really is a stage. So I'm wiping these tears away because it's time to go back out on stage. Back to the life that I chose. Action.
usher1310 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Hi Im in this same situation at the mo and i would def. agree losing the friendship is what hurts the most. Im missing him too i just hope everyones right and time will sort it for me and for you. good luck
Author Emme Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I'm not sure about the time thing. I did great with no sex but no contact from my sidekick.......I need that back . I hope I do nothing stupid.
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