JasonRules Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) Hi, It's been two weeks since my girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I have been reading the forums for support. I just wanted to share my experience so I can get peoples opinion about the relationship I had. We had both gotten out of relationships about 3 months prior. I met her at the place I hang out at with my buddies and initially we were just chatting in a friendly manner, but over the course of a couple months things kept progressing more and more leading up to flirting/inuendos etc. At some point she indirectly asked me out to dinner via a bet we had placed. We went on our first date and we had a great time spending 4 hours together. One date led to the next and we were both in heaven. She was honest with me and had told me she was not ready to be anyone's girlfriend yet though, but she liked me a lot and didn't want to lose me. My thinking was that while she may not be ready right this instant, at some point this would change. We kept dating and having a great time and although we were never "officially" together as boyfriend/girlfriend she never acted any differently than a true girlfriend. There were no mind games played or power struggles. We liked each other intensely and there was a lot of passion between us. She introduced me to her girlfriends, her brother, and her grandmother a couple times. I had even been invited over to her mother's home. We saw, called, or texted each other every single day. She had a special Thanksgiving get together with her friends at her place, after spending it with her family just so I don't spend the holiday alone. In November I flew out to San Diego for work for a week and she came out for 3 days to spend time with me. We had a great time. In December though the problems started. A "friend" of mine, turns out, had been asking her out behind my back even though he knew we were dating. She kept rejecting him, so at some point I guess he got pissed and tells her I'm a scumbag and that I talk about her in a very lewd, sexually degrading way to the other guys. Naturally, all this is untrue since I love this girl and would never say anything like this about her to anyone, but for some reason she partially believed him and things were rocky since then. As time progressed this incident turned out to be a "he said/she said" deal with accusations flying. Despite all this I attempted to show her that I was not that type of person the other guy was portraying me as and did everything in my power to get the relationship back on track. Being a true gentleman I still bought her an x-mas present even though by then we were still on the "rocks" with her being confused. Things seemed to slowly turn in my direction. She asked for space and I gave it to her. We didn't talk for 4 days and she called me back nonetheless, but in January something happened which caused her to finally end it. I was babysitting her dog and it was crying so I picked it up and was playing with it on my bed. I thought it was cute so I took some photos of the dog with me and I posted these on facebook. Turns out one of my "friends", who apparently was trying to sabotage me, downloads these photos and emailed them to various people. The photos end up in her ex-fiance's inbox who get's pissed and emails them to her mother. The idea being that since its her dog and its in my bedroom, she is there with me and that she has embarassed her family. Her mother did not speak to her for 4 days and my girlfriend got fed up and packed her things and moved out. Naturally she blamed me for this whole debacle. She was so angry she told me "fu... you" to my utter dismay even though I had not heard her curse once in the 8 months we had been seeing each other. She said it was over and it had nothing to do with anyone else, but me. Naturally I did the begging, pleading, let's talk etc, but nothing worked. She said "the candle has been burnt" on her end. I text her thoughout the day, but she was being unresponsive. Then later that evening I told her to call me so we can talk. She called me when she got off work late at night and we had a one hour+ phone conversation. She started by saying that lately all this drama has made her angry and that I should not be calling/texting her like crazy because I'm only making the situation worse and she is pulling more and more away. I basically told her I how I felt about everything, what I want in life, my goals, my dreams, my aspirations, and that I would never say anything so disrespectful about her because I want a future with her. I asked her to meet in person the following day to talk and she declined saying there was too much frustration and that she had obligations the next day. She also said she is not ready for a relationship with me now, to which I asked what do you mean "now"? And she replied "I don't know what's going to happen in the future". I ended the conversation by saying that I have very deep feelings for her and that I have fallen in love with her these past 8 months. She replied "I don't think you're in love because love takes a long time to develop". I replied "I know what I want and what I feel". I said, "I'm sorry for the way I have acted, but its been very frustrating to me for all this to occur and I care for you and do not want to end things. Do as you wish. I hope one day you when your anger is gone you will realise what kind of person I truly am and you will call me so we can meet up and talk. I will not bother you from now on and you will never hear from me again.". She said "Ok...<name>...I'm sorry, but I have to go now because its 3AM and I have school at 8AM. Good night and sweet dreams". That was our final conversation on the 27th of January. I have kept true to NC since then and have never once called or text her even though sometimes its killing me because I truly miss her. I have been tempted to call, so I removed her number from my phone so I would not falter. Valentines Day is also approaching and I was thinking to send her flowers and a card, but I have since changed my mind thinking this will only be rewarding her for breaking up with me. I have gone completely MIA on her and do not hang out at that place where I met her anymore. These past two weeks have been extremely difficult on me, but I'm a tough cookie and have done everything possible to keep my mind off of her including spending a lot of time with my friends, booking a 1 week vacation a tropical destination for the month of February, hitting the gym every single day for 3 hours, and have also found solace in this website because it comforts me to know I'm not alone. What's your take on this? Comments, opinions? My gut feeling is that there is someone else in the picture, but she didn't have the courage to end it with me because I had always treated her nicely with respect. Or perhaps she just got bored of me because I wasn't an a-hole (women seem to love a-holes) and was just looking for bs reasons to end it, or finally she truly was angry at me and just ended it. In the 2 weeks since we last spoke she has not called or text me at all to see how I'm doing. And this from a woman who used to call me 2-3 times per day. Four days prior to the break up we went out on a date to try and patch things up and she was wearing the tear drop neckclace I had bought her for x-mas. When we came back to my place we were intimate with heavy kissing etc. Two days later we were intimate again as I spent the night at her place although she stopped me midway saying she just can't because she's still angry at me. I have always been of the opinion that if a woman kisses a man on the lips she is still attracted to him and feels something for him because women who do not feel anything for anyone rarely kiss them on the lips, so I'm not even sure if there is another man involved, but perhaps this is just wishful thinking. Any advice would be appreciated... Edited February 9, 2011 by JasonRules
gator12 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Well honestly your situation is absolute s***. Lol, it's pretty bad. The only way of handling it is strict NC. You ex needs to cool down right now, she needs to sort through the lies on her own, you would only be a detriment at this point. Go into NC and heal, the relationship may have been good in your eyes but look for any problems in it and try to deal with them for your sake not hers. And realize she ISN'T perfect, she has flaws as well. Communication is going to be the key to make any second chance work. And if she contacts you with any breadcrumb DO NOT ANSWER. Let me define a breadcrumb Text Message form: "Hey", "How are you.", "Why are you Ignoring me?" Email: A lengthy email just wanting to "check up on you/ she misses you" but no mention of a second chance Phone Calls: Avoid all phone calls until she calls you and leaves a voicemail which says she's sorry and wants you back. You CANNOT bite any of her crumbs right now, she is pissed off, this will take some time. But NC is the way to go. Be a ghost to her and work on you, heal yourself so a second chance, should it come, will be the chance you really deserve. OOOO and holiday rules, no texting, Definitly no gifts or cards, same for everything except maybe her birthday which you could do a quick text. But even I would caution against that. NC is for you to heal, but what most people don't understand is healing and moving on doesn't mean giving up on a second chance. It means not clinging to the hope that a second chance will happen at some point. It means living your life and not obsessing over your ex, but in the back of your mind you still hope you'll get another chance. But you don't cling to that hope, you don't let it run you. Stay strong in NC, she will realize what is true and what is not and she will come back. -Gator
Author JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 @Gator Thanks for the advice. Since the break up 2 weeks ago I have gone totally MIA. No begging, no texting, no crying, no phone calls, no drunk dialing, no imploring to take me back, nothing. Even the cafe which I would hang out at at least 3-4 times per week, where she works, I have not stepped foot in the past 2 weeks. The last time we spoke I was cool, calm, and collected. I was not begging or crying. I've been taking this opportunity to hit the gym every single day and have been working out 2-3 hours per day. I booked a vacation to a tropical location for this month, and I have been spending a lot of time with my buddies.
gator12 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 @Gator Thanks for the advice. Since the break up 2 weeks ago I have gone totally MIA. No begging, no texting, no crying, no phone calls, no drunk dialing, no imploring to take me back, nothing. Even the cafe which I would hang out at at least 3-4 times per week, where she works, I have not stepped foot in the past 2 weeks. The last time we spoke I was cool, calm, and collected. I was not begging or crying. I've been taking this opportunity to hit the gym every single day and have been working out 2-3 hours per day. I booked a vacation to a tropical location for this month, and I have been spending a lot of time with my buddies. That's very good you are farther along than most people are at this stage. But heed my advice and don't bite on any of her crumbs that she WILL send. I promise you she will, to the point where she will be annoyed that you are not replying. At that moment, you have all of the power and if she really wants you back she will let you know clearly despite you ignoring her. But until then continue the way you are right now, any moment you feel you have the urge to talk to her just post on here instead, we WILL stop you. -Gator
Author JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 I have a massive urge today, almost like an anxiety attack around 4PM. I felt uneasy and was debating whether or not to text her. It's a very odd feeling. It's almost as though we are addicted to a substance, then we stop "cold turkey", and on occasion we suffer from withdrawal. I laid in bed and kept telling myself "do not text her or call her. do no sulk". At some point I got annoyed at myself and said "fu... this" and I got up and packed my things and went to the gym. I did 30 minutes elliptical, and then swam laps for 30 minutes, and then hit the sauna for another 15 minutes. Took my time showering, shaved, and now I feel great and relaxed. All those endorphins released in the brain help you get your composure back. And now everything is fine again. The thing that I keep telling myself is that we have to take this day by day and that each day we scratch off we become stronger until eventually the pain of losing someone we loved or cared for goes away entirely. I know that one day I will wake up in the morning and I will not feel anything anymore.
gator12 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Very true man. That day may not be so near, but the day you get up and are finally over the urges will come much sooner. Love dies slowly but the hunger for them much quickly. By that point it's like something goes off in their head and they come running back. It's strange.... Anyways, congratulations on resisting the urge, I know it's hard but you pulled through so you know you definitly have the strength too in the future. Good job.
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I'll go out with you Jason if you're spending that much time in the gym!! Good advice from Gator, nothing to add really but we're all here. x
Author JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 After almost 2 weeks of NC, she text me and then called me late last night. We talked for 2.5 hours... I'm very confident she'll come around...I know my own worth.
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 After almost 2 weeks of NC, she text me and then called me late last night. We talked for 2.5 hours... I'm very confident she'll come around...I know my own worth. Ah I'm gutted.
Author JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Ah I'm gutted. Lol...I thought you were waiting for Jonny Depp's relationship to dissolve
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 That is never going to happen, they are perfect together and I would be upset if they split and she is so sweet and French, makes me sick. We on the other hand could provide a mutual distraction. No I'm pleased she called you,I like happy endings. x
Author JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 That is never going to happen, they are perfect together and I would be upset if they split and she is so sweet and French, makes me sick. We on the other hand could provide a mutual distraction. No I'm pleased she called you,I like happy endings. x I remember reading somewhere about predictions and it said that his relationship would dissolve this year. Well, not sure if we can characterize this as a happy ending just yet, but its definitely a start in the right direction. I'm still going to play it cool though and not put any pressure to seal the deal. I'm going to let her slowly come to me. I'm going to continue doing my own thing with the gym and friends.
gator12 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Idk if I would have answered, I mean essentially you took the bait by talking to her as I'm sure the conversation didn't revolve around "Let's get back together." which is the only circumstance you should have answered for. *Sigh* you can try and play it this way, but honestly 2 weeks of NC is not enough space in order to have a successful second chance. Nothing gets fixed in two weeks, even if you think it does it takes at least a month to fix any minor issues let alone major ones. Idk, I just don't think you should answer her unless she is explicitly stating to get back together. Staying on a talking basis prevents her from missing you which in turn allows her to heal with you being there and never give your relationship a second thought. just my thoughts, I speak from experience -Gator
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I remember reading somewhere about predictions and it said that his relationship would dissolve this year. Well, not sure if we can characterize this as a happy ending just yet, but its definitely a start in the right direction. I'm still going to play it cool though and not put any pressure to seal the deal. I'm going to let her slowly come to me. I'm going to continue doing my own thing with the gym and friends. There is not chance of them splitting, I study the Depp. He worships the Paradis and his children, a truly humble great man. Well Jason you know where I am anyway, I'm not a bad 2nd prize.
Author JasonRules Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Idk if I would have answered, I mean essentially you took the bait by talking to her as I'm sure the conversation didn't revolve around "Let's get back together." which is the only circumstance you should have answered for. *Sigh* you can try and play it this way, but honestly 2 weeks of NC is not enough space in order to have a successful second chance. Nothing gets fixed in two weeks, even if you think it does it takes at least a month to fix any minor issues let alone major ones. Idk, I just don't think you should answer her unless she is explicitly stating to get back together. Staying on a talking basis prevents her from missing you which in turn allows her to heal with you being there and never give your relationship a second thought. just my thoughts, I speak from experience -Gator True, but time will tell. I guess ultimately what matters is if she has feelings for me things will work out. If she doesn't, then no amount of NC or indifference is going to bring her back. We haven't spoken today or texted today, nor do I plan on contacting her. As I said earlier. I'm going to continue doing my own thing and if she wants, she'll have to come to me, but don't think for a moment that I'm sitting begging, pleading, or crying to her. I respect myself. I tell it how it is to her and what I want. If she wants something different in life she can go and find it. As for not picking up the phone, I disagree with that. Each situation is different and while I did generally follow the guidelines, you have to make adjustments and play things by ear. Don't forget, it takes two to tango.
gator12 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Well you definitly know what you're doing. Every one's relationship is different and you're right sometimes it really does take two to tango. In my current situation I am doing the same thing you are but not responding to my ex unless she says the words I want to hear. I know that's right for my situation because I know what type of person my ex is emotionally, I've made it clear that the ball is in her court. So I just live my life and keep my dignity. Every situation is different, but as long as you maintain your dignity you can't go wrong. Good luck to you -Gator
Author JasonRules Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 The way I look at it is this. I see a break up as someone getting injured. A few weeks/months will go by and your injury is slowly starting to heal. Now let's say before your injury you were able to metaphorically run very fast (ie good relationship). Then you slipped and fell and injured yourself. I think its unrealistic to expect the ex, even if she/he regret her actions, to simply come back to you begging you to take them back and things will be like they used to. The analogy is that your relationship was injured as was the runner and it will take effort to get back to 100% again. It won't happen overnight, but if you know what you want, show good faith, patience, fortitude, and persist, you will eventually get back to where you were again. Obviously in my case, there was a misunderstanding and other people getting involved and nothing really I did to cause any of this, but nonetheless it takes time to regain someone's trust and faith. I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to do that, but even so, even if things don't work out I'll know that I gave it my best shot and will leave with my head up high. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be sometimes. I remember last night before we ended our conversation I said to her "Well I didn't think I'd be asking you this, but you're on the phone with me now so I will ask anyway. Next week is Valentines Day. If you'd like to do dinner the offer is on the table. So think about it and let me know". And that's pretty much it. I won't pester, pressure, or ask her again. I'm going to leave her alone and she can either come out with me or not. The ball is in her court. But at least I'll know (and she'll know as well) that I care enough to make an effort.
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I like your metaphor; however, you have to remember that if a runner does get hurt and splits his leg wide open, it's never gonna heal if someone keeps poking a stick at it. It just keeps on hurting.
Author JasonRules Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Indeed you can't keep poking at it. That's why you talk about what happened once and then let it be. You can't keep living in the past. Both parties have to recognize their mistakes and look to the future.
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Sometimes a fall is just a fall, no need to analyze it. Just brush yourself off and get up; keep moving.
Author JasonRules Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 By the way, she accepted my invitation to go out to dinner on V-Day. Last night during our phone conversation she also mentioned that she had been invited to go to a black-tie event, but that she will not be attending, but instead she'll be staying at home. I'm not sure why she would mention that since I didn't know anything about it. When I made a reference to the summer she kind of hit the brakes and said "let's take it one day at a time...". So at this point I'm cautiously optimistic, albeit I think she may be playing with words so as to not make me think this will be a "slam dunk" type deal. I think she definitely has feelings for me and secretly admires my effort, otherwise I just can't see her agreeing to go out to dinner on V-Day especially when 2 weeks ago she was telling me "the candle is burnt". The NC definitely seems to have had a positive effect. We never know what we have until we lose it. I don't plan on seeing her until Monday and I'm thinking to keep phone/text conversation to a minimum so as to not smother her. If I play my cards right, I'll come out of this a winner and I think me and her will actually be stronger. Always remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
gator12 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 It's great that she accepted an invite, but keep the date casual and keep the mystery alive. Act indifferent to most of the things she says, let her know you're not wrapped around her finger anymore. And don't rush into a second chance if this is where it leads, like you said it takes time to get a second chance to 100%, and two weeks of NC isn't really enough time, imo, for someone to really change some of the negative issues in the relationship. Just take it slow and keep your space, she's interested right now but you have to keep her there. -Gator
depplover_1980 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Nice one Jason. Do not have s e x with her though, even if it kills you not to!!
Author JasonRules Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) Just wanted to give a quick update. She is going through a rough time with school and work so she text me 5-6 times yesterday during the day and asked me to call her. I did and she asked to meet last night to talk. She told me she felt terrible and she didn't want to be "leading me on". I kept my cool and said ok. I go to the restaurant thinking "this is it...I'm finished", but somehow I had accepted my fate and was not sweating it at all. I was blasting music driving to meet her even though I knew this might be the last night I see her. She was 10 minutes late, but she was all dressed up and looked very pretty. I hadn't seen her in 3 weeks and it was nice to be starring at her again. She walks in, I get up and we hugged and kissed on the lips. It all happened very naturally. She was smiling and glowing. Ironically, instead of talking about anything serious we were all smiles, laughs, teasing, and joking around. She apologized for freaking out during the day and said that she slept and feels much better now. Her eyes were glowing and she looked at me straight into my eyes. Naturally we did talk about everything that happened, but there was no fighting or arguing. We stayed for almost 4 hours and then she asked me if I wanted to grab a drink elsewhere to which I said "yes". Next we went to a nice bar for a glass of wine. Around 1:00 we headed back. We talked a bit in her car before I got out. Long and passionate kissing followed before I left. While she still has some reservations and expressed these I think I'm in a good position. At some point during the night she said "I don't know if we'll end up together", but I looked at her calmly and confidently and said "Its your life...do whatever you want". Not at any point during the 6 hours did I say "I can't live without you", "I love you", "Please think about it...", "Please don't leave me" etc. Before meeting her I had stopped to buy her flowers, but something overcame me in the parking lot of the store and was thinking "maybe I should not buy her flowers." I was relaxed, smiling, confident, a little cocky, and teased her quite a bit. I think the key is to show her that you won't blink if you lose her. You have to show her that you don't need her. You want her... Edited February 11, 2011 by JasonRules
depplover_1980 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yes, that is good work Jason - very pleased with how that went for you and it sounds like good food for thought. I hope you are not intiating any of the contact still from now on? I take it Monday is off?
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