ALonerAgain Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 So, some of you may have read my other post on the Coping board about Post-Dating Experiences After a Significant Break-Up. This one details a current experience I'm having. A few weeks ago, I started emailing a guy at work after I heard he was organising an after-works meet-up for Hard rock/Metal fans.We have never met before as he works in a different building to me. It started off innocently enough: what kind of rock/metal music we liked, what bands and gigs we've been to, etc. But then the converstations started getting longer and drifted into other hobbies that we are into and what we were doing after work, etc. It got to the point where we were emailing 3-4x a day. A few days before the scheduled meet-up (last Friday), I was under the impression that there were more people coming:email guy said around 4 of us were up for going and he sent an email to those who had contacted him, which I was included on. But as the day grew nearer, the other work colleagues, who had initially expressed interest, began dropping out. The email guy joked to me in a separate email that it might just end up being the 2 of us - and lo and behold, it was! I kept my commitment anyway and said I would go for a drink just the same. Besides, I was going to a gig afterwards, so at least I had a 'cut-off point! Even though it wasn't supposed to be a date, I still felt self-conscious and I think he did too. I tried to keep the conversation light on the bus to the pub and when we got there the evening turned out to be pleasant (alhtough he could go on and on about the merits of fine guitaristry - a self-confessed music and sci-fi geek).Although I was glad to be able to leave him after a couple of hours to go check out some bands. So, back at work, after the 'date-that-was-not-meant-to-be-a-date, he's been dropping hints that he's interested in going out with me more on a 1-2-1 basis; stuff like 'That was so much fun, we should do it again' (and especially, 'even if it ends up being just us 2 again'); he tried to get me to come out with him and his mate (that he met after our 'date'); saying that he would have like me to stay longer and now, after mentioning an 80s club night that I'm going to in a couple of weeks, said it sounded fun and wouldn't mind going - even though he said on said 'date' that he didn't 'get' 80s music at all! So what exactly am I 'whining' about? Well, I don't fancy him (yet) - I thought if I did, then maybe this wouldn't be such a big deal! ; But the main thing is, there are certain characteristics in his behaviour that have reminded me of my ex's plus he's younger (by 6 years - I've never dated anyone younger than by 2 years). I even talked it out with my sis, (who tends to see things more in black-and-white) and she even said that she's noticed that I tend to get into relationships with 'safe' guys: guys that I'm not really attracted to. I agree: because that's been my safety net. Unfortunately, this hasn't managed to work out, so I'm trying to break this pattern and challenge myself more . I guess I'm scared that if I get involved with this guy (who's also a work colleague, and I have made it one of my 'rules' not to date work colleagues), that things will just end up a mess. Besides, I'm supposed to be aiming for genuine, platonic friendships this year - although I now realise the sheer quantity of emails have suggested more, which I hold myself partly accountable for. I really didn't/don't want to lead him on. So since yesterday, I've been refraining from emailing with the same intensity as before the 'date'. I'm still keeping it light and friendly, but obviously he's noticed and today he asked me if he'd upset me. I emailed back, what makes him think that? Tomorrow will be his reply... I realise that I'm coming off sounding annoyingly picky - and to those LS readers who can't stand mixed signals, I do apologise. I hate them too, but I admit that ambivalence has always been a problem for me. Any suggestions on how I should deal with this...?
utterer of lies Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Although I was glad to be able to leave him after a couple of hours to go check out some bands. Stop communicating with him and find someone who fits you better. Just because he's there doesn't mean he's the right one.
Author ALonerAgain Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Stop communicating with him and find someone who fits you better. Just because he's there doesn't mean he's the right one. Thanks Utterer. Lol, NC on a 'friend'. But sometimes I get carried away with people who show 'interest'; I genuinely wanted to be able to just play it as friends, but now it's getting into a grey area. I got a reply from him this morning (as usual) regarding his suggestion that he'd upset me and he basically just said, "I dunno (why he brought it up). I guess I was just being silly" and then carried on with detailing what he got up to last night. I haven't replied to him. I'm feeling guilty now, having set the tone of someone who is 'interested' (but just as friends). I know if it was the other way around, I'd feel peeved and question myself when behaviour suddenly changes. I mean, isn't that what 1/2 of LS posters/readers complain about? Blowing hot/then cold; mixed signals...? Personally, I don't think I've been suggestive in taking things further (I've been conscious not to), but all the signs show he wants to. Aaargh, why can't things just be simple??
utterer of lies Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I'm feeling guilty now, having set the tone of someone who is 'interested' (but just as friends). I know if it was the other way around, I'd feel peeved and question myself when behaviour suddenly changes. I mean, isn't that what 1/2 of LS posters/readers complain about? Blowing hot/then cold; mixed signals...? Personally, I don't think I've been suggestive in taking things further (I've been conscious not to), but all the signs show he wants to. Aaargh, why can't things just be simple?? You don't need to be suggestive - you just need to give him some attention, that's enough for many people (men ) to think you are interested. Maybe cancel the next get-together with him because you have a date (with someone else). If he answers, tell him 'thanks for understanding, you're a good friend'... after that, the situation should be clear
Author ALonerAgain Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks! I guess a lot of it is attention. I know it was for me as well. \ I'll try that when he nexts suggests meeting up. Although part of me just feels like blurting out 'I'm not interested!' - even though I won't!
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