Hibou Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 OK, so I am a nanny for two of the most awesome boys in the world. They are 7 and 4. The 7-year-old is extremely advanced - his idea of fun is doing math problems.... 3rd grade math problems. Let's call him Jake. The 4-year-old (Seth) is a total alpha male, and loves sword fighting and really physical activities. They couldn't be more different. They went to school before now, but this year they have been home-schooled. It's a long story, but it was the only option. They'll be going back to school next year. Their parents both have doctoral degrees and are insanely happy and positive in general. However, while they're normally very well-behaved, I have minor problems sometimes that I don't know how to handle. I need the advice of other parents! Concern #1: The 4-year-old is really, really codependent. He refuses to play games without his brother, and up until a few months ago, he would want to sit with Jake in the bathroom. The problem with this is that Jake really needs alone time every now and then to de-compress. I try to give him that. Seth will sometimes play with just me, but if Jake is occupied and it's just me and Seth, he can't play alone at ALL. If, for instance, I have to do something in the kitchen, he will follow me and try to get my attention. I have tried giving him something he can do near me that will occupy him, but he tries to include me by asking questions he knows the answer to. If I tell him that he needs to hang out alone for 5 minutes, he just starts bawling and says "I hate doing things alone and I will never, ever like it!" I guess it's a big-brother thing, too. He wants to be just like Jake. He even says that he wants to have the same job as him and sleep in bunk beds in the same house, which is too cute. I imagine some kind of codependency is normal for his age, but is this too much? It's really frustrating to me. Is it because his parents aren't home? He gets SO EXCITED to see me every morning, but maybe that's not enough? I'm an only child, so I have no idea how much is too much. Should I be encouraging independent play, or will he outgrow this? Concern #2: Jake (the 7-year-old) is a sore loser, and he is too hard on himself. For the record, his parents are good friends of mine, and they do not push him to hold himself to a crazy standard. They're just as perplexed as I am by his rampant perfectionism. We tell him all the time that no one wins every single time, that we're all proud of him no matter what, and that the point of games is to have fun playing. Nothing is sinking in. He does not get to opt out of hard schoolwork or piano practicing, so I don't feel like anyone reinforces it. I think that, because of his exceptional abilities in some areas, he has a very strong aversion to anything that is hard, or seems to have a high probability of failure. If we are playing any kind of a game where he is losing, he either gets super rude and competitive, or withdraws and refuses to play. I've implemented a "star chart" with the help of an awesome iPhone app, and the positive reinforcement has worked SO well. They get to trade stars for treats and rare extra video game time. The thing is, he still gets really sensitive when he's losing. He has sort of stopped acting out during games, but he's clearly not into it. On some occasions, he's even started crying and had to excuse himself. That is something they can get a star for - saying "I feel frustrated, please excuse me" and taking a few minutes to chill. There were some tantrums beginning to happen awhile back, but like I said - the star chart is great. I hate that game time becomes something he doesn't enjoy, and it sort of makes it less fun for Seth and I as well. Thoughts? Personality quirk, or anxiety disorder?
elaina Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) The boys sound similar to two of my nephews. About the younger one wanting to always be with somebody, what helps my little nephew is a specific time dedicated to just him while his big brother has alone time. Normally, that time is used by helping him with his reading. He's not too fond of reading yet, but he adores the attention. About being in the kitchen when you work, can he help you? When I was taking care of my darling nephews, the little 5 year old would help me with unloading the dishwasher, clearing the table, and carrying things into the kitchen for me. At first he complained but we would just talk about what he liked so he would often forget his annoyance at helping me clean until I told him he was done and to go play, and then he'd happily scamper away lol. About the older one being a sore loser, can you give him a star for being a good sport? That might help. Also, a movie about being a good sport might help... at the moment I can't recall a movie with a good sport message, but some sort of teaching help that promotes the idea could make a difference. Edited February 8, 2011 by elaina
threebyfate Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 For the 4 year old, set up as many active play dates as possible with other children his age. He sounds like an extrovert who energizes when around other people. If he's not in preschool, perhaps it's time to get him into one. For Jake, why not find games that he can play on his own against himself or a computer? There are educational games that will challenge this budding intellect and he has only himself to improve if he loses. Then game time becomes both fun and also alone time.
desertIslandCactus Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I was going to say the same thing as above. The three of you go to the park for Seth. Computer for Jake. (My grandson is Seth/Jake)
Author Hibou Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 About being in the kitchen when you work, can he help you? That's a good suggestion. Sometimes, he probably could, since he's generally underfoot anyway. The thing is, sometimes it's an important phone call. I stay nearby and explain my expectations while I'm on the phone. They have a parent that works from home sometimes, so they get that. It makes me nervous, though, because if Jake starts to withdraw into his head, then Seth has no way to entertain himself, and trouble starts. About the older one being a sore loser, can you give him a star for being a good sport? That might help. That's actually funny - the chart started as something for sportsmanship, but it worked well, so it just became about behavior. It's not so much his actions - I'm concerned about his feelings and trying to help him enjoy games when he's losing. I think it might be improving slowly, but it's just hard to watch him hate the game that he picked.
florence of suburbia Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 For the younger one, try setting a timer for ten minutes and ask him to play by himself until it beeps. After he does this a few times set it for a bit longer, etc. He just needs to build new habits and after a while he'll get really involved and won't want to stop playing when the timer goes off. For extremely important phone calls, I always resorted to TV or chocolate.
Recommended Posts