Iconoclast Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 It feels like the truth maybe the only way forward - it's my emancipation from all I've done but by giving it to H am I really just putting him in a worse prison then he's already trapped in? Worse for who? How long you think you can keep up the charade? You're gonna slip up sometime. Then you'll trickle truth him, then it's even worse. Why... because then he can't even believe the truth coming from you. You know this, and it's tearing you apart. I'm an alcoholic (recovered). I was a bad person. For some reason this really helped. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."
Binster Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 At least you accepting the blame for things that are down to you instead of puting them all on your husband. I dont know how it will work out but I wouldn't tell him, just work on things between you on a day to day bassis for now. Also although you dont really say you conned yourself into believing in this guy and falling in love from the sounds of it. Only to be dumped as soon as his wife found out. Right or wrong thats a lot of emotions to deal with for anyone so just take one day at a time. Also when judging your husband remember the stuff the other guy was doing with you was what his wife wouldn't allow him to do with her.
StoneCold Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) Don't rush any of your decisions. Aye to that...I recommend that while in the process of figuring your decision you make peace with the strong possibility that your marriage could be over. Make sure you make peace with yourself before you make any moves! Because no matter how this plays out... you have to make sure that its as painless as possible for the kids. Its going to be a trainwreck but if you can somewhat mitigate the amount of emotional turmoil then do it.....because it could transfer to the kids. Edited February 14, 2011 by StoneCold
StoneCold Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) You are aware that your view on this topic are not all knowing. You sound like a little kid who is throwing a hissy fit because everyone doesn't agree with him/her. thats funny you mention that...Because I'm one of the few people that can admit that I'm not all knowing by A) showing her both sides so that she can make a proper decision for herself B) Opting out of labeling her...again because I dont have all the facts. As opposed to people like you who have piled on her with all kinds of choice labels and words....because of course.....they are all knowing ... and I'm the kid? Edited February 14, 2011 by StoneCold
lkjh Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 thats funny you mention that...Because I'm one of the few people that can admit that I'm not all knowing by A) showing her both sides so that she can make a proper decision for herself B) Opting out of labeling her...again because I dont have all the facts. As opposed to people like you who have piled on her with all kinds of choice labels and words....because of course.....they are all knowing ... and I'm the kid? Really what label did I put on her? How have you showed her both sides? I love how people who constantly try an prove their side always claim to be "the only one" of something. In your case you are the "only one that can admit they are not all knowing".
StoneCold Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Really what label did I put on her? How have you showed her both sides? I love how people who constantly try an prove their side always claim to be "the only one" of something. In your case you are the "only one that can admit they are not all knowing". ~sigh~ Go back and read the thread... Sorry but I'm not going to do your reading for you. I'm not going to waste anymore time with you...its clear you arent reading. Good luck to you...I'm out Edited February 15, 2011 by StoneCold
lkjh Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Pawi, you have used three years to destroy your family. You already admitted that your H knows something is wrong, the OM's wife has caught you guys, and your marriage is now in shambles. I know this sounds rush but you need to make a decision and stick to it. Something is gonna push all of this over. Once the ball gets rolling the s*** will really hit the fan. If you need to see a IC that is great but keep in mind that these people get paid to make you accept what you have already done. They will most likely just help you justify your actions and shift blame to some excuse. There are many people on this site who have either been cheated on or are cheaters. Its no surprise that the cheaters want you to see a IC and keep this a secret. When people have done something horrible they try an get other people to follow in their footsteps. Its a way of justifying what they have done. They justify it by making it more common. Its a defense mechanism. The old everyone is doing it The people who have been cheated on what you to pay. Its their way of getting revenge. Either way you know that something is going to happen and probably soon. Unless of course your H is completely blind along with everyone else in your family. Its time to act like a adult human who is capable of making a decision. Stop with the excuses. You knew when you search out a man on the internet and met with him that you were starting an affair. You may not have woken up that morning and said "hey Im gonna cheat today". But you knew in the back of your head that you were heading in the wrong direction.
on1wheel Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 If you want to rip the hearts out of your husband and children, then come clean. If you want to spare them the pain, keep your mouth shut. THAT's the way it is. _________________________________________________________________ That's the way it is? For who? How is she serving anyone but herself with taking your advice? The H has a right to know and to know it all. Would you want your H or W to take that approach with you? There is no way that you have ever had this happen to you. If I had to guess, you are a cheater that must have had some fallout from telling the truth? They didn't want to stay with you perhaps? I am someone that was cheated on, my W did not admit it, she did not even tell the whole truth when I caught her. There is NO WAY to ever respect someone like that again. Whether he stays or goes should be his choice...a choice based on all the facts. What they have now is NOT a marriage. Neither of them will EVER be happy but ignoring the truth. She must tell her H, it is the right thing to do. Your advice is the worst I have ever seen on LS.
Fight4Me Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Pawi, I'm going to address this not as someone who was betrayed, but as a wife who now enjoys a fully reconciled marriage. I'm here to tell you it can be done, and to validate what you have indicated in this thread over and over again... you need to be fully truthful with your husband. I know you are already in IC and that your BH has indicated that he wants to try MC. Honestly, I think you need to run with that idea and use that venue to safely confess the extent of your A to him. He may not want the nitty gritty details, but you need to be willing to provide the truth he needs when he asks for it. Don't assume anything about his desire, or lack thereof, to reconcile. Just focus on helping him fill in the blanks of this messy puzzle for now. I think almost everyone here expressed agreement over how unusual his physical rejection of you was, along with the hidden electronic porn accounts. There seems to be a high level of shame involved when it comes to intimacy, and I'd encourage the counselor to explore that because there may be something from his past that he hasn't dealt with yet. Incompatibility may not be a factor in this at all. (just thinking aloud here) I hope and pray that the two of you can come together and find true healing, with minimal impact on your children. (((hugs)))
StoneCold Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I think this thread is done to death... Pawi you have heard varying opinions. Take what you think will work for you (or dont take at all) and report back whenever on how it all goes. However it goes and what ever you decide I'm sure it will be for the best.
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