SadandConfusedWA Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 For those that do not know me - this is OceanGirl. I ended up contacting him to get some closure. He called me and we also IM-ed and I got some answers. Apparently, he feels that we don't have a deep enough connection. He said that he was infatuated with me based on looks but that wasn't enough to sustain the relationship. (which is how I read the situation too). He apologized about the way he treated me during our 2 final days as at that stage he has already checked out of the relationship (I still do not think that in itself justifies how he treated me and have told him so, he just responded with "I am sorry"). I decided to ask him some more probing questions based on LS speculation. 1. I asked if the things I said during first time sex contributed to the break up in any way? His response: "Absolutely not. I could see that you were tired and if anything I felt bad for exhausting you." 2. Are you doing this because something I said or did upset you? His response: "Absolutely not. You are a sweet a loving girl. I just didn't feel deep base connection that I need for a LTR" Just to let you know what I already knew: the advice I have been getting on here is biased, misleading and ultimately useless. None of your speculation was correct. He has no reason to lie at this point. It is also obvious that he feels extremely guilty for having to break up with me. He offered to call me tomorrow, to stay friends, even to meet me in person to talk this out more. I refused all that I asked him for strict NC. As hard as it is for some of you to hear - this relationship didn't break up because I screwed things up. Nobody took me seriously when I posted a thread that he is losing interest either. I was called needy, clingy, insecure and paranoid in page after page of that thread. Turns that my instincts were spot on. With that, I want to bid you farewell "friends". You have done nothing but further bring me down and damage my self-esteem by distorting my thinking. As all my faults were overblown, I found myself constantly doubting my instincts and over-apologizing to people for nothing. I am not trying to shift the blame, this is simple reality of the situation. I do take full responsibility for coming on here. I should have abandoned ship a long time ago. This is a very toxic environment. I urge anyone else who feels that they have received similar treatment to get out now. As for me, the first step is to eliminate negative environments and people from my life. I won't be reading your responses - they are irrelevant to me. To be fair, there are a few exceptional people here and I thank them for their support and/or insights: N-sky, CE, Kamille and TBF. I am also much stronger than anyone on here gives me credit for. I have no doubt that I will find happiness one day
tigressA Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Sorry to hear you're leaving... As far as the break-up, it seems like everything was handled very maturely, so props on that. I wish you the best of luck from here on out.
Kamille Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I'm glad you have closure and that it's given you the perspective you need to move on to a better future. Don't doubt yourself, don't feed your anxieties and take a moment every day to do something that makes you happy.
carhill Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Thanks for the update and best wishes on your journey through life
Cee Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Happy travels. That was a beautiful closing post. I learned a lot from you. Or rather, the imperfect online approximation of your lovely self.
Nexus One Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) Just to let you know what I already knew: the advice I have been getting on here is biased, misleading and ultimately useless. None of your speculation was correct. He has no reason to lie at this point. Nobody took me seriously when I posted a thread that he is losing interest either. I was called needy, clingy, insecure and paranoid in page after page of that thread. Turns that my instincts were spot on.I wish you all the best in life, happiness and health. However I think the fact that so many people were wrong has a lot to do with the way you worded your replies. Your posts DID make you seem insecure and paranoid. Perhaps you aren't any of those things, but the way you presented yourself online did give many people that idea. So in my opinion you can't really blame people for saying that you acted insecure and paranoid while you painted such a picture of your character on these forums. People gave you their time and at least tried to help, they didn't try to purposefully sabotage your relationship. Besides, this IS a forum. You're going to get different points of view. C'est la vie OceanGirl, bonne chance. Edited February 8, 2011 by Nexus One
Star Gazer Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Oh yes. All your relationship troubles are all LS's fault. I wonder why you and NS are the only folks who believe that? Ya know, no good guy is going to tell you to your face/IM that the reason he's dumping you is because you were bad in bed and/or bruised his ego during sex by looking at your watch. I know I certainly would never tell a guy that. I'd just tell him I didn't feel enough connection to sustain a relationship. But I agree, LS isn't the right place for you. I wish you luck in your search for happiness, and hope you find the help you need with a trusted therapist. That said, I have to admit that I do look forward to your (aka NS) return under yet another name. You do keep this place interesting.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Finally OceanGirl is catching on that these message boards will only add to her chaotic mindset and emotional instability. Her obsession with make more of situations than need be and only stressing herself out even more. I really hope she doesn't come back because maybe then she'll get some help and find a therapist that can help her. My question to OceanGirl has always been: Does thinking this way and feeling this way about each guy you come close with really make you happy? If she isn't happy then a guy can't fix that for her, she has to do something about it herself.
mo mo Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I think it's generally not a good idea to give too many details about your love life on here. People that read accounts of situations never get the whole picture, and they will begin to put ideas in people's heads. This forum is for advice and everything, but when you come here and talk about every single step of your relationship, people are bound to put ideas in your head. I'm involved with someone right now and I haven't even mentioned her. IF something comes up that I don't really understand, I'll ask here, but other than that, I just try to learn from other people's experiences.
carhill Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I'm involved with someone right now and I haven't even mentioned her Oops. Good point though. LS can often be like the blades of a food processor. One wrong reach and hmmm.... hope they like a red sauce. OP, since you apparently have a good understanding of how 'addictive' LS can be, leaving is likely going to have to be 'NC', actively erasing any signs of its existence and actively diverting thoughts of returning, including contact with LS 'friends'. That sounds excessive and perhaps it is, but I hope you'll consider it, in light of the decision you've made. Good luck
mo mo Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Oops. Good point though. LS can often be like the blades of a food processor. One wrong reach and hmmm.... hope they like a red sauce. OP, since you apparently have a good understanding of how 'addictive' LS can be, leaving is likely going to have to be 'NC', actively erasing any signs of its existence and actively diverting thoughts of returning, including contact with LS 'friends'. That sounds excessive and perhaps it is, but I hope you'll consider it, in light of the decision you've made. Good luck I meant up until this point.. haha But yea, I think you know what I mean
Pfiend101 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 She'll be back. I've read alot of your posts and encourage you to seek therapy. I don't believe you are capable of a successful LTR until you seek some sort of help. You also don't listen to the advice here unless it is totally babying you agreeing with everything you do.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Oops. Good point though. LS can often be like the blades of a food processor. One wrong reach and hmmm.... hope they like a red sauce. OP, since you apparently have a good understanding of how 'addictive' LS can be, leaving is likely going to have to be 'NC', actively erasing any signs of its existence and actively diverting thoughts of returning, including contact with LS 'friends'. That sounds excessive and perhaps it is, but I hope you'll consider it, in light of the decision you've made. Good luck She'll be back like it's crack, I'll put a 50 on it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 But the fun part will be: will we know it's her?
threebyfate Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Good luck OG! I agree you'll find happiness one day and not from hanging out in a negative environment.
Jannah Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Good luck OP, I sincerely wish you all the best. For every door that closes, another one opens, and all that gushy rhetoric.
elaina Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry it didn't work out with him OceanGirl. With or without Loveshack, it does seem like it wouldn't have worked out anyways. I wish you the best and never give up your dream of love. I urge you to not look for it; let him bump into you. Just be the best you you can be and enjoy life with your family and friends and work and travel and see and learn new things and I bet before you know, it, you'll be doing those things with a wonderful handsome man! Just don't write about any issues here!!! But, when you are married or in a long relationship with him, please come back and post it, k? Other people and I would love to hear that you are with someone and that ya'll are doing great!!! Don't let anything on here get you down and depressed. Enjoy life!!! Edited February 8, 2011 by elaina
utterer of lies Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Oh yes. All your relationship troubles are all LS's fault. I wonder why you and NS are the only folks who believe that? Ya know, no good guy is going to tell you to your face/IM that the reason he's dumping you is because you were bad in bed and/or bruised his ego during sex by looking at your watch. I know I certainly would never tell a guy that. I'd just tell him I didn't feel enough connection to sustain a relationship. But I agree, LS isn't the right place for you. I wish you luck in your search for happiness, and hope you find the help you need with a trusted therapist. Wise words, Star Gazer. I concur. But she won't get it.
Ariadne Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Apparently, he feels that we don't have a deep enough connection. That's too bad OG. But maybe it's for the best. You were not that invested either and with the distance and all I'd say good timing. Hope other things are going well.
sweetjasmine Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 All your relationship troubles are all LS's fault. Yeah, it's everyone's fault for giving bad advice that she never even read. Sounds logical to me. In any case, best of luck, OP, I hope you find happiness.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 O_G, sorry to hear you're leaving, your posts did add spice to the forums. Unfortunately, LS had never been a be all or end all place, we merely gave you our sincerest opinions and thoughts. In fact, weren't you the one who said you don't revisit your threads because of critical posts? We have done nothing but be advisable. Of course we're not professionals or therapists who can help you figure out your circumstances. You either take the advices that apply to your situation or you move on. Probably, you would have done even better if you hadn't posted every little problem that occurred in your relationship. Anyways, good luck with life. Learn to be more confident in yourself and learn to love yourself before you decide to seek out others to make you happy.
dispatch3d Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Sorry to hear you are breaking up. I definitely never said anything hateful. So I'll have to assume you are talking about someone else. Best of luck!
sugarmomma Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 It seems that you didn't do enough thinking for yourself and following your own instincts and relied on the people here and what they thought. I mean really? Complete strangers had that much of an impact on how you felt about yourself. You also put every detail of every date that you would go on and that's not necessary. I used to go around asking my friends what they thought about things because I wasn't in touch with my feeling, needs, desires, wants even values, etc. I finally learned to trust myself with a lot of soul searching and it is very rare that I ask for advice these days. I think you just gotta learn how to trust yourself to do/find what's right for YOU. Leaving here is definitely a step in that direction. ******It wouldn't have lasted anyway because he knows that he sucks in bed (who rides a woman for 2 hours?) (don't ever let a man do that to your body)and HE knew that*******
sb129 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I'm sorry it didn't work out with him OceanGirl. With or without Loveshack, it does seem like it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I agree. I don't think LS engineered the downfall of the R. I hope it gave you some food for thought as to how you may treat/ react to the next guy you go out with. Its easy to say that all the advice you were given here was wrong with the benefit of hindsight. But maybe it's for the best. You were not that invested either and with the distance and all I'd say good timing. Agreed. All the best OG. I do hope you get a chance for some self reflection one of these days.
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