Awol612 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) Hello all, I need some help. I've been dealing with an emotional roller-coaster for the last 9 months, and I don't know what to do. Back story: I was married for 14 years, high school sweetheart. Knew her for 4 years before I decided to ask her to marry me. Never dated before, and got married when I was 21. We've had our ups and downs, and in the end, we divorced. We devorced because she checked out of the relationship. She has a family history of chronic depression, and she is suffering from it too. She gets sad (for any number of reasons), and then just shuts down. I admit, I didn't handle that the best I could, most times I would get frustrated, and angry. I have been going to therapy, and I am addressing that aspect, but it still was present in our marriage. We saw a marriage therapist before the divorce, and made these lists of things we would like the other to do. My list had: Talk to me, Be present in the relationship, and be more intimate. Her list had: Get less mad, do more around the house, and get in shape. A year past, and I've lost 90 pounds (I'm as in shape as I was when I left the military), I currently am renting out the house, and I've been seeing a therapist for the anger. For her, she didn't do anything. She wouldn't talk (About real stuff), always thought I was disappointed in her, and would slip further into depression. I asked for the divorce, she was completely checked out. I gave her everything but the shirt on my back. It happened so fast. People I have talked to have never seen a divorce happen so quickly. There was zero contention on anything. We could not afford to live separately, so for 4 months, we lived in the same house (I in the basement, her upstairs). In those 4 months, she was not burdened with the stress of our marriage, and she came back to me. She was lonely, and I was there for her. In my opinion, she checked each item off the list one at a time. We would talk about how we failed, on a deep understanding level. We were intimate, more than in the past, and she was so present. I fell in love with this new her. I asked her if we could give it another shot. She said maybe. Then one day, she called everything off. I inquired, she found someone. Someone who swept her off her feet, and she just turned her back like nothing between us happened. I have managed to set everything up so that we don't have to have contact. Everyone tells me that I need to put distance between us, and that I need to let the wounds heal. I tried. I moved out at a great financial burden. For two months I didn't talk to her at all. I had mostly put her out of my mind. The therapist has been helping me move on. However, now because of tax season, we had to talk to each other. She wants to be my friend, she still laughs at my jokes, and in general, I still both love her, and being in her company. That is killing me. I float high as a kite, when we are together. Then she casually mentions something her and her boyfriend are doing, and I crash. Crash hard. My therapist tells me I am fishing for hope, but I don't feel that I am. She wants to be friends. That is hope, but I know she's moved on. Any pointers? Edited February 8, 2011 by Awol612
carhill Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 You're divorced. If you don't have children together which you have to co-parent, black hole. If you live in the US and your divorce was final last year, you're single for tax purposes. Heck, even when my ex and I were married filing separately, we didn't talk to each other and we each had separate businesses to file for. Only caveat was we both had to itemize personal deductions if one did and we both had to file by mail instead of electronically. There's no need to talk to her, ever. If you were friends, you'd be married. Here's your sign: 'Then one day, she called everything off. I inquired, she found someone. Someone who swept her off her feet, and she just turned her back like nothing between us happened.' Forget her. She's just another one of billions on this planet. Value the person you were when you loved her. You still have that and it's a wonderful gift. Don't waste one minute of it on her ever again. Good luck and welcome to LS
What_Next Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Respect yourself and move on. I'm sorry to say that you won't likely be able to be friends. Actually nor should you. Look at YOU, you've lost the weight, you've pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. Get out there and enjoy life. Fake it until you make it if you have to. Good luck. She is but one of billions of women in this world, another one that will light up your life will enter your life when you least expect it.
Albertan Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 She used you when you were separated and still living together to feel better about herself. She is using you now. You are letting her. You are fishing for hope. You two cannot be friends, not yet, not while you still have such feelings for her and who the hell knows, she may still have latent feelings for you but she made this decision and it'll be her regret in years to come. Keep telling yourself that. Move on with your life, and make sure she is totally out of yours.
Leviia Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Trust me and move on.... it may sound harsh but take it from someone who knows.. I'm going through it right now and I can't seem to take my own advice. I feel like I am FINALLY starting to pull myself together and then WHAM I hear from him and how much he misses talking to me and POOF all my old feelings are back and we talk and I get all high and happy and floating and then I crash when he stops talking to me again. GO NC, do what's called the 180 and take care of yourself!!! I think I may just put him on ignore and block his number finally .. I can't take the pain much longer.
Author Awol612 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 @carhill I've been reading the post in your sig, and that's some of the most helpful information I've ever read. I thank you so much for that gem. @the rest, thank you for the replies. I've known that I need to move on, and I've tried. I think, though, after reading Carhils sig, I understand better. Like a math book, knowing the answer is different than knowing how you get there. That post spells out alot of things, and is a great comfort.
carhill Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 It's a process. If you have questions or desire support, we'll be here. Good luck
You Go Girl Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I float high as a kite, when we are together. Then she casually mentions something her and her boyfriend are doing, and I crash. Crash hard. My therapist tells me I am fishing for hope, but I don't feel that I am. It's painful for you to hear about her bf. Unless you decide you are embracing masochism, let her go. Do not hang with her. Do not put yourself in any position (even on the telephone) to hear about her and her new bf. She may even be getting off on the idea of the pain it causes you, unless she is that totally oblivious to your feelings. Come on now, is she really that clueless that talking about her bf would hurt your feelings? You're creating a monster! A sadist! You don't want to be a masochist, so stop it!
sammyd Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Yep, has to be no contact. She dropped you like a stone, that speaks volumes. You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. You just end up getting more hurt. Good luck and keep posting!
MrMayI Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 full on no contact. it works wonders. took me a while to learn it but i'm there and it's great!
trippi1432 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 She wants to be my friend, she still laughs at my jokes, and in general, I still both love her, and being in her company. That is killing me. I float high as a kite, when we are together. Then she casually mentions something her and her boyfriend are doing, and I crash. Crash hard. My therapist tells me I am fishing for hope, but I don't feel that I am. She wants to be friends. That is hope, but I know she's moved on. Any pointers? She has moved on and you need to do the same, for you. Take some time to pull yourself out of the hole and go full NC. It will hurt you, it will hurt her to an extent....you can't dwell on that...but you will both see it's for the best eventually. It's okay to love someone for what they used to mean to us...it builds on what we will eventually find in our lives to make us happy.
Author Awol612 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 TLDR; update, and twist. Since my original post, and reading the NC guide, I went NC. I broke this, for one letter. It took me about a week to write, and then I emailed it off. I'm sure to get flack for it, but that said, it was done. I thanked her for the life we had when it was good. I revealed a few things, said some other things, and said that I am who I am, and that's been my biggest strength. I said because I wasn't afraid to make change, you've found happiness, and because of that change, I will to. I didn't say good bye, I didn't blame her for anything, nor did I leave it open ended, pining for hope. I asked nothing of her. I needed to say good bye, but I didn't want to write good bye. I didn't want it to be a cliche letter, from the ex that's still pining for hope... the one looking for crumbs. I hadn't talked emailed, written, called, anything since. I have been feeling good about myself, by not letting her drag me through the gutter, even if that's the only reason I've been feeling good. So now here comes the twist. This has been a process for me. I've emailed friends, family, and my therapist. Indicating both the troubles I am having, and trying to cope with her, and even trying to stand up and move beyond this. (I.E. trying to start up a relationship) This weekend, I had a problem with my email. I called the support, and worked with them. Turns out, that she has been reading my email. Every other week for the last three months. (Their logs only go back three months, so it could have been going on longer) I live off my iPhone, perhaps my mistake, but everything is done through email, and online. (schedule, dates, visits to therapy) She's been reading of my progress, my pain, my search to find sense of this, and my efforts to look for someone. Today is valentines day, I don't want to confront her today about it, I don't even know that I should. I changed my password. What do I make of this latest revelation?
worldgonewrong Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 You make nothing of it and move on. EXACTLY. You do not give her the benefit, however remotely, of letting her know that she's a feature in your life -- whether that's villain or heroine. She will feed off the attention.
Author Awol612 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Isn't it an indication of intent? If she was moved on, she wouldn't bother.
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Unstable or drama queen, IMO. Either way, or anyway, unhealthy. Observing such similar behavior turned me off someone whom I might otherwise have had interest in. It's borderline stalking behavior and doesn't in any way, shape or form mean she wants to have a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship with you. At worst, she could just be fishing for dirt to make her rose garden smell fresher. Change all your passwords and your phone number/carrier and move on.
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