brneyedgrl Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 For those of you that don't know my story feel free to read my past threads. Tonight was the first time I had contact with my ex in 3 weeks. After he told me he wanted time away because he no longer knew what he wanted, I went NC (after some crying and anger on my part). This was difficult because we live together but our move date is tomorrow and he moved his things out tonight. I had been preparing for this day because I knew after 6 years of being with him, it would be extremely difficult to all the sudden be on my own. So he had told me yesterday he would be by to get his things and asked if he could help me move, I politely texted back "no I have help but thank you". When I pulled up today he was loading the truck and just seeing his face sent my emotions into a tailspin. I felt anger, sadness, weakness, and sick to my stomach but I kept my cool and simply said hi and went up to our place. He followed me up and while I was packing some clothes he gave me a hug, this hug lasted for about 5 minutes and I realized he was crying. He was actually sobbing and saying he was sorry. I was a little shocked so I just stood there and hugged him back then as tears started in my eyes I immediately made myself busy. We were packing and cleaning and at the end of tonight when everything was done he went out on the balcony, and started crying again. When he came inside I asked him why he was so upset, that I thought this was what he wanted. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him and he had some serious issues and he could never just be happy with himself and his life (he does, he's been diagnosed with depression and we've had this problem before) and he has absolutely no idea why he messed everything up. He said he loved me and our life and he lost both. I've been through this before with him, almost verbatum, and I know his problems and that this breakup wasn't something he wanted now that he looks back. He asked me if I could get him the contact info for the counselor I suggested when I was trying to save us, I said sure. I was civil and even friendly, I mean I love this man with all my heart and even though I hate him for doing this to me I feel for him and want him to be ok. This whole time I thought he was out galavanting around enjoying his new found freedom when he's actually had to put everything he owns in storage and sleep out of the shop he works at. He won't talk to any of his co-workers and he has no real friends here as he moved here to be with me. I know he wasn't telling me this stuff to get me back because he knows I'm already gone. I think he was genuinely sorry for everything and his emotions showed it, I've never seen him like that. He has lost everything and yes it was his fault but I still feel for him. So that's my final contact with the man I planned on marrying. The man I spent 6 years with, the man I loved more than anything. He left and I am alone and although this is probably the best thing for me, and moving into my new place tomorrow will be a fresh start, I can't help but bawl my eyes out tonight at what just took place. How we got so far off track when we have so much love for each other I will never understand. I am completely empty.
0hpenelope Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Wish I can talk to you, girl. So sorry to hear all of that and I think you handled yourself very well. Keep posting ok?
Author brneyedgrl Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Thank you, I have no idea how to collect the thoughts I had prior to seeing him again. I know this had to be done and it is over but I'm left with his words and I can't help but feel so incredibly terrible for him as well as me. I know he made mistakes and he needs to better himself and get ahold of his depression but I think maybe if I had known he was going through all this again I would've tried harder? I wouldn't have been so quick to jump the gun on the whole "we need to move out now" subject? I let the assumptions take over my head and thought he was fine, living the dream...the man I still love is in trouble and alone and depressed and there is nothing I can do.
0hpenelope Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Don't drown in your regrets, ok? He's the one who wanted time away in spite of the support you're willing to give to him. You need to move on, too. Don't be too rough on yourself. It's ok that you still care, nothing weak about that. I just hope you're ok, too.
D78 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 ... So that's my final contact with the man I planned on marrying. The man I spent 6 years with, the man I loved more than anything. He left and I am alone and although this is probably the best thing for me, and moving into my new place tomorrow will be a fresh start, I can't help but bawl my eyes out tonight at what just took place. How we got so far off track when we have so much love for each other I will never understand. I am completely empty. brneyedgrl, Wow... I think you should give yourself permission to bawl your eyes out tonight. I agree with 0hpenelope that you shouldn't focus on regrets. He obviously doesn't blame you, so don't blame yourself.
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