Highness Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months. It's serious and he is wonderful - kind, thoughtful, sexy and I am totally in love with him. Here's the kicker - I earn about 4 times more than he does, and probably always will. (He has a decent job, but I work incredibly hard and am v succesful for my age). I am not a materialistic person and this has not become an issue until just recently. He is an independant person and never mooches off me, however I do often pay for both of us when we go out or go shopping etc, just because I can and he sometimes struggles at the end of the pay week. I also like to treat him to nice things because I can afford to do so. Occasionally I have felt resentful that I am the 'breadwinner' of the r'ship and wish that I wasn't always worried about where we go and if he can afford it (I try not to choose expensive places so he doesnt feel bad about not being able to afford it. Even cheap places I often pay or we go halves). I also have sometimes thought that he isn't as thankful when I am constantly paying for him, almost like he becomes accustomed to it. I've raised this a few times and we have discussed it and I know that he is not and will never take advantage of me. I guess I just get frustrated sometimes because I dont know any other woman in my situation and I wish I could take the pressure off sometimes. We are starting to talk about moving in together and I am worried that once he moves in, my resentment about not having a partner of equal financial footing will grow. I hate the thought of not being able to take the holidays I dreamed of, of struggling with a mortgage and kids (i already have a high mortgage) - and always reaching in my wallet when we go grocery shopping. I am happy to share my money with my boyfriend and he helps me out in other ways. I am just worried that I will end up resenting having shared my wealth and always being the one "responsible" for our finances. Any thoughts/advice?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Well, it's really not okay with you - you already feel resentment, and you are concerned about it being a problem, so it is a problem. If it were not, I don't even think it would be worth a mention. I think you either need to go out with wealthier men or stop sharing so much; just scale back your lifestyle to fit his budget.
Author Highness Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Thanks for your post MC. I could never imagine dating a man based on how much he earned. Even when I have dated wealthier men I always insisted on going halves on everything - I hated having any feeling of obligation. I have scaled back my lifestyle quite a bit to fit in with my boyfriend's, and while I am in a "love bubble" and happy enough now, I am anxious about the future. (This is a big part of my personality generally.) I have never met a more loving man though and I don't want this to fracture our relationship. It just seems like an issue that will forever be in the back of my mind. I wonder if anyone has had similiar experiences?
Nexus One Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I am happy to share my money with my boyfriend and he helps me out in other ways. I am just worried that I will end up resenting having shared my wealth and always being the one "responsible" for our finances Millions of men all over the world make more than their female partner does and are "responsible" for the relationship's finances, should those men resent sharing it with their wife? The 50-50 rule seems fair though, but only if you apply it to things within his budget range. For example if you wanted to buy a Porsche and could easily afford half its price, but your boyfriend couldn't then that would be unfair in my opinion, then you would set the bar to high. But here's the thing, it would be nice if your partner could at least sustain himself financially. You mention he has trouble getting through the week, well then perhaps there is room for improvement there. Personally I have no income requirements for potentials partners, but it would be nice if they could at least sustain themselves, not necessarily for the sake of my wallet, but if things go sour, then they'll still have the means to be independent.
heartshaped Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 You mentioned he had a "decent" job, but some of the things you have said leads me to think otherwise. Is he able to support himself financially? What makes you doubt that the two of you would not be able to support each other and a family? It seems to me that if he had a decent job and you made four times what he made that the combined income of you both should be more than sustainable.
Author Highness Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Thanks for your thoughts Nexus and Heart. To answer your question, he is in an entry-level IT position - he is studying as well (part time) but his capacity for earnings are average. On the other hand my earnings increase substantially most years. So we will always be out of sync. He is very smart but spent his younger years in theological college (!) - such a waste of time and now he is back to square one. We will be able to own a home and support a family on our combined income, but I feel like I work so goddamn hard I shouldn't have to be "mr and mrs average". I want to be able to take time off work and let my boyfriend pick up the slack if I ever need it. It just doesn't seem fair. He can sustain himself financially and doesn't have any debt - in fact he is way more financially responsible than me. Probably because he has to be! I have always viewed money as such a vulgar thing to think about - I just having it on my mind now.
cerridwen Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 He is very smart but spent his younger years in theological college (!) - such a waste of time... We will be able to own a home and support a family on our combined income, but I feel like I work so goddamn hard I shouldn't have to be "mr and mrs average".... It just doesn't seem fair. He can sustain himself financially and doesn't have any debt - in fact he is way more financially responsible than me. Probably because he has to be! Umm....wow. I'm detecting some 1) lack of respect for his accomplishments and 2) snobbery. Are you sure, Highness, you're satisfied with who he is?
Nexus One Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) To answer your question, he is in an entry-level IT position - he is studying as well (part time) but his capacity for earnings are average. On the other hand my earnings increase substantially most years. So we will always be out of sync. Well if he's still studying and is still only in an entry/junior IT position, then there's a whole lot of room for growth there. Once he's done studying he can put in more hours and with many IT jobs it's possible to get a senior position after 5 years of experience. (not sure how many years of experience he already has) Besides if he has extra time he could decide to start his own business. Edited February 8, 2011 by Nexus One
cerridwen Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I meant to write: Are you sure you're okay with who he is, what he's accomplished, and where he's going? I can't help but wonder if the financial issue is just a corollary of a more fundamental problem.
Author Highness Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I'm detecting some 1) lack of respect for his accomplishments and 2) snobbery. Are you sure, Highness, you're satisfied with who he is? I love him and respect him, but you're right - I dont think much of him dropping out of school and being so easily brainwashed by religion. He has matured and grown since then though, and I admire him so much for leaving that life and starting again when it would have been easier for him to just stay put. His strength of character is one of his best qualities. And Nexus, yes you're right there's potential there... It's just a long way to go and in the meantime it will be struggle street for him, and I don't like having to worry about that (we live in a very expensive city, which adds pressure as well). I realise men all over the world get married and support their wives and children... It's just not somewhere I'd ever thought I'd end up.
Author Highness Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I meant to write: Are you sure you're okay with who he is, what he's accomplished, and where he's going? I can't help but wonder if the financial issue is just a corollary of a more fundamental problem. Yes, absolutely. I am happy with the man he is and his life goals. He doesn't work as hard as me, but out r'ship couldn't sustain itself if he did, we'd never see each other. I've been out with a fellow professional, and it was a disaster. While I pick up the financial slack he does support me in other ways. I know I should keep reminding myself of this but again... I just hate to have to think about money when we plan things or go places - I've never had to do it before and I find it stressful.
denise_xo Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I just get a sense from your posts that you're not quite happy with who he is, and that there's something more to this than his income? But with regard to the financial aspect: my take is that in a relationship, you have a shared pocket. In my R I am the breadwinner and I don't have a problem with that. When we're out having a meal, I don't pay "for" my partner - I pay for "us". I would like my H to make a bit more money, not because I have any issues with being the one who covers expenses, but because we're in the red every month even when I work two jobs and that worries me. But I don't mind being the financial provider - as Nexus said, that's what men have done for centuries and with the collapse of traditional gender roles, women will also have to take on responsibilities that have historically been assigned to men, like being the bread winner or fighting wars. You say that he supports in other ways, and that to me is the key criteria. I would never be with a man who refused to work or just sat on his ass all day. The important factor is that both parties in a R contribute to the common good in any way they can. Also, if he's now in an entry level position, you should expect that within three -eight years he will probably make a much better salary. It's a long term investment.
zengirl Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Here's the kicker - I earn about 4 times more than he does, and probably always will. (He has a decent job, but I work incredibly hard and am v succesful for my age). I'm on a teacher's salary, and my BF is probably closer to your range. It's not a problem for me, or him; before anyone jumps in with gender stuff, I know couples where the woman makes excessively more than the man (for instance, a couple that I'm good friends with is a female account manager at my old advertising firm; she's been in the game for close to 10 years now, so she makes close to six figures; her husband works for a nonprofit and makes slightly less than I do). So, it doesn't HAVE to be a problem for everyone. However, it appears to be a problem for YOU from what you say: I am not a materialistic person You and I have different definitions of materialism, because some things you say later in the thread---not wanting to be Mr. and Mrs. Average, etc. I don't mean that you're greedy, though, which is what I think maybe you mean by the word; I take materialistic in the Buddhist sense, which means you have attachment to material wealth and possessions, including attachment that could prohibit your relationship with human beings (in this case, your BF). Not a terrible thing, perse, because it's quite human and average, but in believing this way, you are, in my view, choosing to be Mrs. Average. Money has nothing to do with it; you are enslaving yourself to money as keeping 'score', just like most unhappy people do. This is not to say you shouldn't enjoy your success, but be careful at enjoying it at the expense of other things. Even when I have dated wealthier men I always insisted on going halves on everything - I hated having any feeling of obligation. While I think it's appropriate to chip in proportionately (I've been in a wealthier spot than I am currently, and been the breadwinner in relationships, as well as on a teacher's salary and had a BF who paid the lion's share), including paying roughly equally if you make close to the same amount, I think this attitude is the same one that's coming back to bite you, making any financial contributions about 'obligation.' You feel like your BF should feel OBLIGATED. That's unshaky ground to be on. You ask if anyone has ever been in the same spot: Back when I made actual money, I was in 2 relationships where I earned more. One was when I first graduated college, my college BF was still working at a music store (He was a college dropout; I was an early graduate at 20), and I got a job out of the gate making 50K a year. I paid for everything. I even lent him money from time to time---never enough that I cared about it or missed it, and he always did pay me back, eventually. Didn't bother me. Eventually his lack of ambition did, but that had nothing to do with money. Towards the end of working at the same job, making around 75K by then, I was living with a guy who suddenly got laid off. He had massive debt, between his student loans/car. He used his unemployment to keep up payments on that and keep health insurance, and I paid pretty much full rent/utilities/groceries/dates, etc. I was happy to do it. He's since had a successful business and, after we broke up, offered to pay me back for that time (rent etc, not dates). I didn't let him. I choose to pay that, because we were a team. I feel the same about my BF paying for me when he chooses to; we're a team, and I don't feel 'obligated.' I feel grateful, but it's not a power thing. There is no versus. We're on the same team. At any rate, I'm impressed your BF has no debt. I had none for a long time, but it was always a struggle. Now, I have a car payment (GRR) and it's annoying. Debt sucks, but it's hard to live debt free in America these days.
30Years Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) I am happy to share my money with my boyfriend With all due respect, clearly you are not happy to share your money. You can't write a post about your concerns about sharing your money and then say you are happy to do so. But that does not make you a bad person. It only identifies one of your more pressing desires in life, and I think your username reflects those desires. If you seek material wealth, there's nothing wrong with that. Quite frankly, I do too. Nevertheless, you are not in love. There's nothing wrong with that either. I only say it so that you will recognize it. If you loved your boyfriend, his financial standing would be of little importance. When two people are in love, they work as a team to make their way through life. (The only exceptions to this rule are due to deep emotional issues.) I think you need to do the both of you a favor and reevaluate your desires in a mate and the relationship in which you are presently involved. At the same time, I think you need to ponder your own values and what will truly make you happy. Money won't, you know that, but the productive effort of making money can help you feel productive, and consequently, more happy. Having money and the productive effort of making money are two very different things. One last thing: If your boyfriend is a caring, emotionally supportive person who you find attractive, please take time to honestly weigh his attributes against his "deficiencies," and how all that stacks up for you. Edited February 8, 2011 by 30Years
utterer of lies Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I am happy to share my money with my boyfriend and he helps me out in other ways. I am just worried that I will end up resenting having shared my wealth and always being the one "responsible" for our finances. Any thoughts/advice? It will work out as long as you are still newly in love, but for a lasting relationship, both should be able to contribute. You can try to kickstart him to become more ambitious, but downsizing your lifestyle just because he cannot keep up with you will only make you unhappy. Better find someone in your own league.
EasyHeart Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Based on what you've said and the fact that you're posting about this at all means to me that you already resent his lack of income. If it bothers you now, it's going to bother you even more as time goes on and your lives become intertwined. Who you're attracted to and who you choose to form a relationship with are completely different things. What matters to you may not matter to anyone else, so it's irrelevant if people tell you you shouldn't be bothered by it or shouldn't care about it. You get to decide what you care about in a partner. It seems pretty clear from your posts that you consider this a dealbreaker. And that's okay. What's not okay is continuing the relationship and feeling bitter about it, or hoping that he changes. I can easily see this turning into a situation where you become a nagging shrew who feels bad for herself and makes your BF feel even worse, and that's not good for either of you. Think hard about whether this is a dealbreaker for you and then act accordingly. But the important thing is that YOU decide. Don't let anyone else tell you what should or shouldn't be important to YOU.
Kamille Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I hate the thought of not being able to take the holidays I dreamed of, of struggling with a mortgage and kids (i already have a high mortgage) - and always reaching in my wallet when we go grocery shopping. This sentence jumped out to me... If you're making so much money, why would you be worried about a mortgage? Are you sure you can afford your own lifestyle? If your mortgage is high, why not shop for an more affordable home? Is there any room for improvement in your own spending? Do you have a budget? Do you know how to make one to help you acheive your financial goals? It sounds to me like this is the biggest issue here. You sound like you want a reasonable lifestyle: a home, kids, a trip once in awhile, dinners out once in awhile. It sounds like with your combined income, this should be feasible. What seems to be the problem is that you have no idea how to make it work. I am left wondering if the reason you don't know how to make it work is precisely because you don't know how to make a budget. Maybe like a lot of people, you thin k a budget is constraining - but when you have a decent income and very little debt, a budget actually helps you do the things you want to do in life. It enables you to live the life you want. I make a decent income right now and I could afford a nice little home and kids. It wouldn't be easy but I could afford it, especially with a partner who brought in a minimal supplementary income. We could even probably afford trips, provided we budgeted them in. You say yourself he's more financially responsible than you are. It sounds to me like you're the one who's over-reaching right now, and gambling on money you're planning to make in the future...
Els Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I am going to tell you exactly what I tell guys complaining that their gf is 'too fat/too small/not earning enough', etc etc. If you truly are not happy with it, then leave. It is the best thing to do, for you and him. Just be careful that you do not regret throwing away a very good (if it is indeed very good) R for this.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 That can lead to a number of opportunities and income...... What does entry level IT pay $40-60K? So you are earning well in the 6 figures? He has no debt, has a career, not a job and you resent the disparity? Just clarifying it..... If he is ambitious and you two are under 30, what is your issue? How shallow. Something disjointed and missing in this post..... If it is a man writing this, people would be all over him..... Especially due to the fact the guy is smart and has potential.....
O'Malley Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) You say yourself he's more financially responsible than you are. It sounds to me like you're the one who's over-reaching right now, and gambling on money you're planning to make in the future... I noticed this as well. I understand the need to be with a fiscally responsible person, someone who is able to support themselves. In my relationship, I initially made more than my boyfriend; he currently makes more in his two careers. It's never been an issue because we can both support ourselves and we're both comfortable with the differential. Having what you both consider a healthy reciprocal balance (not just of finances) is more important. If you feel he's not meeting those needs, or that you are resenting him, it's not a good relationship for either of you. He is very smart but spent his younger years in theological college (!) - such a waste of time It seems that you're incompatible in mindsets as well, since you consider his religious background 'brainwashing' and a 'waste of time'. Does he refer to it that way? If religious faith is still an important part of his life and it isn't in yours, this also can be problematic. Overall, I get the feeling that you tie in more of your contentment with financial success and status--- which is fine for you, but it might not be the factor that your boyfriend primarily values in his life. Edited February 8, 2011 by O'Malley
Author Highness Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) Thanks everyone for your replies, you have given me much food for thought. I am in love with this wonderful man and don't see our disparate incomes as a dealbreaker. I have never been happier and I want to make this work, which is why I am posting this because I recognise something that may become a bigger issue in the future and want to try to nip it in the bud. We are very honest and open with each other and I guess I just need to continue to monitor how I am feeling about this to make sure my resentment doesn't grow or that i change my way of thinking. The last time we discussed it I was feeling p*ssed off because I ended up paying for him and a couple of his friends while out at a bar and he didn't seem to think anything of it. After we had a chat I felt much better that I wasnt being taken advantage of and he has made efforts to chip in when he can and not make me feel like a financial sponge. I think I can perceive things worse than how they are and I just need to continue to be open with him so that he can allay my concerns. Anyway, to answer some questions: Kamille, you're right I don't budget as I have never needed to in the past. Apart from my mortgage (which is high, I admit), I'm debt free (after paying off my university fees 2 years ago) and have never owned a credit card. I just worry that in the future when I need to think about supporting kids that it wont be as free and easy as now. I dont want to work myself into an early grave like my dad.O'Malley - he is no longer religious and we are both on the same page with how we view religion and our general values and outlook on life. You're right that I have in the past tied my contenment with my career and financial status - I feel secure when I am financially secure. It's a change of pace to start thinking about emotional security, which is what he is giving me.As Elswyth mentioned, I dont want to regret throwing away a good thing, which is the reason for this post. I will not end things over this issue, I just dont want it snowballing. Edited February 8, 2011 by Highness
zengirl Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I feel secure when I am financially secure. It's a change of pace to start thinking about emotional security, which is what he is giving me. A good distinction to make.
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