fatebuddies Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I'm not in a traditional affair. we live to far apart to see each other often. we do however text or email everyday. When i see him he feels guilty when he gets home. I truly love this man, but I can't have him, and it hurts. I've tried to walk away many times, but I'm lost without him. From what I gather, he isn't leaving his family, but really enjoys speaking with me and tries to see me every chance he gets. He is my best friend, but I'm getting tired of being second best, yet I cannot live without him in my life for long periods of time. We are best friends, we confide everything. He is affectionate, playful, passionate, he is everything i want in a man, except he is married. How do i move on from this? I ache for him when he isn't around, or when he goes away with his family. I sometimes think about emailing his wife, and telling her to check his phone records, but I really don't want him that way, and I don't want to hurt her. We never actually had intercourse, mostly oral sex and playing with each other. Should I wait for him? Am I wasting my time? He doesn't really talk about his wife, so he doesn't say he's miserable, or she doesn't understand him, none of the traditional stuff MM say. He does say I deserve better, and he can only give me so much, but I want more. I tried to walk away, and I don't think i'm strong enough because I keep going back. He touched my soul. I don't want anything bad to happen to his wife, and I don't want his kids to hate me, but I do however want a future with this man. We've been secret friends for years, only met in person a handful of times. Any advice?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Any advice? You have a couple of choices: Appreciate the little you have for what it is and try not to mourn for what it will never be or Walk away. You are in complete control of your happiness whether you realize it or not. This situation, while it may bring you fleeting happiness, will not bring you the happiness you would like to have. You can't change or control that in any way, shape or form so you can only change what you do have control over: yourself. That said, you can continue to accept it as it is, or let go and find a more complete happiness elsewhere.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Deep down I think you know all the answers to what you've said in your opening post. Just my opinion. I see a woman who is full of life, love and passion, has so much to offer. A woman who wants so badly to have love and to be loved, but unfortunately it isn't going to happen with this guy because he's married. You're pouring all your love and emotion into someone who doesn't deserve it. I see a woman who is going to lose herself if she stays on this path. A woman who is confident and happy will be broken and have less confidence, change her core, change who she is for some MM who has no plans on leaving his wife because he's happy with it being just an affair. Please, take a step back and detach from him. Learn day by day to rely on him less and rely on yourself, your friends and family more. If you can do that, maybe you'll see things more clearly and be able to make a decision that will probably save you alot of heartache and pain. Set yourself a time line, tell him that he has a choice to make, but when that deadline comes, be prepared to walk away if he can't or won't leave his wife. I don't want anything bad to happen to his wife, and I don't want his kids to hate me, but I do however want a future with this man You have no control over this. If you feel this strongly, then set a deadline. Tell him to make a choice. Stay married and lose you, or divorce his wife and be with you. It's that simple. You being the OW obviously isn't enough for you, you want it all, rightfully so..But .. he is married already and has life created with his wife, has a family.
Heather1 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 If you want more you should probably get out ASAP, for your own mental health. This is a hard road & I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If I could go back in time & tell you when I should have nipped it to remain friends after we crossed the line, it would be where you're at now. His guilt got worse, it was just awful. I think at some point the guilt is so bad that they realize it's totally not worth it, but want to keep you as a friend. Of course there's other situations where the guilt is so bad they resent you for it. If I were you, I'd take a little break until you don't have those feelings for him anymore. Maybe then you can resume your friendship? If you want a future w/ him, this isn't the way to go about it cuz the odds are against you. But, I didn't stop either, just giving you my reflections (oh, but done now!!)
desertIslandCactus Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 And to add: Read other testimonies on the forum. It will help you to see the reality of these relationships. You will feel better and stronger when you find yourself again.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=263850 I suggest you sit and read this whole thread. There are some OW on here who have ended up with their MM. Some have been successful so far, and one is still up in the air. In your situation though, I'm recommending you really read and take in what Mino has recently been going through. I hope it opens your eyes.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 There's something wrong with my computer, sometimes I can use the quote function and sometimes I can't, it doesn't give me the option for some reason.. Anyway, please read the below. ................................................ Originally Posted by Mino I know I need to start a thread on this, but really dont have time at the moment, heading out of town. But I will say this... Its not been easy. The first month it was the hoonymoon phase. Then... when we did argue, I had to listen to the fact that He claims I cheated, since I was seeing a sm during NC. Thats stupid in my op, since he was married, and I did break it off with MM. But the idea for him that I was with someone else drove him nuts.. Our life of coarse changed when he moved in. Now we had a different schedule. After work, he has no time for "us" he want to see his child. Sometimes its 30 min, sometimes 2 hours. On his day off, he babysits... His ex works part time, so some days he brings the child to school, other days he picks up. These are now daily issues. The evenings belong to us. By then, he is exhausted. I just took a 3 week vacation, by myself. He couldnt be away that long... So " time " is a problem. I feel there is not much for us. Money... sore subject. He pays around 6000 a month to his w. I didnt ask for anything at the beginning, he has been doing work around the house. But I opened the subject up a month ago...I guess its pretty tight, after his alimony & support, he pays me now 700. He is cranky, moody... I understand... a D is not easy... but he has a short fuse, and I feel he is angry he has to pay so much. During the A, we didnt have these issues. I knew they would come, but knowing and going through it are two different things. Im getting resentful, I feel still second, or maybe third. I am now cooking on his schedule, laundry, cleaning up after him, Joy? lol, not much time for it... Of coarse we have our moments, there are nice times too. Overall, I think had I understood what all comes with it, I would have not gone these route. Do I still love him, yes, Does he love me, yes... but that does not change the fact of all these issues that comes with a divorced man.
OWoman Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 FB, you're unhappy. It would seem from what you describe that you are more unhappy with the R than you are happy. That is not sustainable - you will simply get more and more unhappy. As LB stated, you essentially have two choices: settle for what's on offer (and be happy with that); or cut your losses and find what you're looking for elsewhere. It does not sound as if this guy is in the market for offering you what you're wanting. Hoping he'll come around to your view will only bring you (more) heartache. Keep him as a friend, if you really want to - but find love elsewhere. Good luck!
TigerCub Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Hey FB, I'm kinda like you. I never had intercourse with my xMM and we just had this relationship were we were playful and had a lot of good times, and told each other stuff, but as time went on, I realized that he's a compulsive liar, and it just puzzled me - why lie to the 1 person that would never judge you?!! but that was him, he couldn't help it. I know exactly what you're going through with the pain and having a hard time letting go. I think that deep down you KNOW that he's not leaving and you're just going to waste you time waiting, and constantly hurting. The highs of being with these men is the highest of the highs, but the lows they cause, are down in the gutter lows - I know this, because I have never cried so much in any kind of R as in the one I had with xMM. The heartbreak keeps on coming over and over. To get over him - I told myself: He's a compulsive liar He's a cheater (and really down the road even if we ended up together, do I want to be with someone like that? ) As yourself, if he was with you, would you trust him? I told myself: He's taking advantage of you, he loves that you love him, but he doesn't love you enough to choose you. He's laughing at how stupid and easy you are with him He sleeps next to his "Wife" every night...not next to you! Is he there for you whenever you need him? NO!! He'll tell you that he loves you, but deep down, he's just laughing at you! You deserve sooooooooooo much better!! Those were the things I told myself. I use "YOU" when I talk to myself Yeah, and that helped, I don't know if all of that is true or not, but I needed to tell myself those things, I needed to get those ideas tattooed on my brain so that being away from him, felt like the best thing for me to do. I do sympathize with your pain and the situation you find yourself in. But you can get yourself out of it. Think of you and what you deserve. Best of luck
lovingwhatis Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I'm not in a traditional affair. we live to far apart to see each other often. we do however text or email everyday. When i see him he feels guilty when he gets home. I truly love this man, but I can't have him, and it hurts. I've tried to walk away many times, but I'm lost without him. From what I gather, he isn't leaving his family, but really enjoys speaking with me and tries to see me every chance he gets. He is my best friend, but I'm getting tired of being second best, yet I cannot live without him in my life for long periods of time. We are best friends, we confide everything. He is affectionate, playful, passionate, he is everything i want in a man, except he is married. How do i move on from this? I ache for him when he isn't around, or when he goes away with his family. I sometimes think about emailing his wife, and telling her to check his phone records, but I really don't want him that way, and I don't want to hurt her. We never actually had intercourse, mostly oral sex and playing with each other. Should I wait for him? Am I wasting my time? He doesn't really talk about his wife, so he doesn't say he's miserable, or she doesn't understand him, none of the traditional stuff MM say. He does say I deserve better, and he can only give me so much, but I want more. I tried to walk away, and I don't think i'm strong enough because I keep going back. He touched my soul. I don't want anything bad to happen to his wife, and I don't want his kids to hate me, but I do however want a future with this man. We've been secret friends for years, only met in person a handful of times. Any advice? Hi Fb, My advice is to look inside and see that you've passed the point when you can stay and accept what he's giving you, because you've cleary expressed here that you want more. To accept is simply to disregard yourself. Why do that? Have you clearly told hum what you want? Maybe when you do you can better see what he wants. And also, you say he is a best friend. Isn't that an exagerration? Staying just friends may be almost impossible. Unless you trick youself to believe it is possible. Good luck.
mbm69 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I will tell you one thing FB. Do NOT contact the wife. That is a surefire way to have all heck break loose.
steelknife Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I'm not in a traditional affair. we live to far apart to see each other often. we do however text or email everyday. When i see him he feels guilty when he gets home. I truly love this man, but I can't have him, and it hurts. I've tried to walk away many times, but I'm lost without him. From what I gather, he isn't leaving his family, but really enjoys speaking with me and tries to see me every chance he gets. He is my best friend, but I'm getting tired of being second best, yet I cannot live without him in my life for long periods of time. We are best friends, we confide everything. He is affectionate, playful, passionate, he is everything i want in a man, except he is married. How do i move on from this? I ache for him when he isn't around, or when he goes away with his family. I sometimes think about emailing his wife, and telling her to check his phone records, but I really don't want him that way, and I don't want to hurt her. We never actually had intercourse, mostly oral sex and playing with each other. Should I wait for him? Am I wasting my time? He doesn't really talk about his wife, so he doesn't say he's miserable, or she doesn't understand him, none of the traditional stuff MM say. He does say I deserve better, and he can only give me so much, but I want more. I tried to walk away, and I don't think i'm strong enough because I keep going back. He touched my soul. I don't want anything bad to happen to his wife, and I don't want his kids to hate me, but I do however want a future with this man. We've been secret friends for years, only met in person a handful of times. Any advice? you are thinking everything i was. its like i wrote this. except for the deep physical affair xmm and i had. it was very hard to leave. i knew i was unhappy. who wouldnt when the man you love isnt yours? when youhave to share? dday came and i thought it was the end but no, deep inside me, i still wanted him to chase me. he did, but not the way i thought he would. the something went awfully wrong ( a blessing to me) i found out amidst all the love and the true declaration. and the risks he took for me, amidst all the daily phone calls practically stuck to our ear when he is working, the wife (the wife!!!) told me it was just not me and there is someone else.. it tore my heart to shreds. now why am i telling you this? just be forewarned. your mm might not be the same as the xmm i had. but just be cautious. with all xmm did for me, i never thought he would cheat on me. never realized i and the attention i gave wasnt enough. just be cautious. you will never know what he is made of until dday comes or until the wife finds out. if he stand up for you. lucky you. but if not, like all of us...he will fall into the typical category of a ws. i wish you luck. walk away if you can. but i know it wont be easy.... xox
fooled once Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I'm not in a traditional affair. we live to far apart to see each other often. we do however text or email everyday. When i see him he feels guilty when he gets home. I truly love this man, but I can't have him, and it hurts. I've tried to walk away many times, but I'm lost without him. From what I gather, he isn't leaving his family, but really enjoys speaking with me and tries to see me every chance he gets. He is my best friend, but I'm getting tired of being second best, yet I cannot live without him in my life for long periods of time. We are best friends, we confide everything. He is affectionate, playful, passionate, he is everything i want in a man, except he is married. How do i move on from this? I ache for him when he isn't around, or when he goes away with his family. I sometimes think about emailing his wife, and telling her to check his phone records, but I really don't want him that way, and I don't want to hurt her. We never actually had intercourse, mostly oral sex and playing with each other. Should I wait for him? Am I wasting my time? He doesn't really talk about his wife, so he doesn't say he's miserable, or she doesn't understand him, none of the traditional stuff MM say. He does say I deserve better, and he can only give me so much, but I want more. I tried to walk away, and I don't think i'm strong enough because I keep going back. He touched my soul. I don't want anything bad to happen to his wife, and I don't want his kids to hate me, but I do however want a future with this man. We've been secret friends for years, only met in person a handful of times. Any advice? He isn't leaving and he doesn't see you often. I agree with Lucrezia's advice below. You have a couple of choices: Appreciate the little you have for what it is and try not to mourn for what it will never be or Walk away. You are in complete control of your happiness whether you realize it or not. This situation, while it may bring you fleeting happiness, will not bring you the happiness you would like to have. You can't change or control that in any way, shape or form so you can only change what you do have control over: yourself. That said, you can continue to accept it as it is, or let go and find a more complete happiness elsewhere.
kis Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I'm not in a traditional affair. we live to far apart to see each other often. we do however text or email everyday. When i see him he feels guilty when he gets home. I truly love this man, but I can't have him, and it hurts. I've tried to walk away many times, but I'm lost without him. From what I gather, he isn't leaving his family, but really enjoys speaking with me and tries to see me every chance he gets. He is my best friend, but I'm getting tired of being second best, yet I cannot live without him in my life for long periods of time. We are best friends, we confide everything. He is affectionate, playful, passionate, he is everything i want in a man, except he is married. How do i move on from this? I ache for him when he isn't around, or when he goes away with his family. I sometimes think about emailing his wife, and telling her to check his phone records, but I really don't want him that way, and I don't want to hurt her. We never actually had intercourse, mostly oral sex and playing with each other. Should I wait for him? Am I wasting my time? He doesn't really talk about his wife, so he doesn't say he's miserable, or she doesn't understand him, none of the traditional stuff MM say. He does say I deserve better, and he can only give me so much, but I want more. I tried to walk away, and I don't think i'm strong enough because I keep going back. He touched my soul. I don't want anything bad to happen to his wife, and I don't want his kids to hate me, but I do however want a future with this man. We've been secret friends for years, only met in person a handful of times. Any advice? How many years are you talking about when you say we have been secret friends for many years?
Author fatebuddies Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I don't remember how many years, but if i had to take a guess off the top of my head, i'd say it was more than 5. i asked him to tell me to start dating, and he did, and slowly i'm learning to stop the addiction to him. I took the advice from the first post, and learned to move on, i cannnot accept what is now. i told him i'm moving on, and he seems ok with it.
Author fatebuddies Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 I all the sudden see him as being selfish. When all along I knew he was, but now I'm seeing it. He wants what he wants, his family, and his side piece. Why do men think they can play these games? I'm new here, but i'm wondering if there are any threads from actual MM who have had an affair. Does anyone know of any i can look up? I don't have time to read all the threads.
Flabbergaster Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Why do men think they can play these games? I'm new here, but i'm wondering if there are any threads from actual MM who have had an affair. Sweetie I'm here to answer your question. MM, also an OM (well, kind of...she's involved but not married). Just about two years, ended recently. My heart broken. No thread with my story yet; I think I'm qualified to answer you. Might also want to see my posts to others. There is a GREAT post by a MM that I connected with a few months ago...dang can't remember it. He does say I deserve better, and he can only give me so much, but I want more. I tried to walk away, and I don't think i'm strong enough because I keep going back. He touched my soul.? This tells me all I need to know. He loves you...yes. HOWEVER: that's not enough. This next part is gonna hurt. He is not going to leave her. He's in love with you, but he is also too content to leave (or he would be talking about that. This is what he is trying to tell you. He's not completely using you. If he was, you would have already slept with him repeatedly and he would be lying to you. He's trying to push you away, but he's too selfish to lose you. He's NOT going to leave her or he would have asked for advice already. You need to decide if this is good enough, and how long you're willing to endure it. I would strongly recommended getting therapist to help you understand where you are. The therapist won't necessarily say to leave him, they will help you figure out what is best for you. Maybe you'll stay and be happy, maybe you'll walk away and be happy. Ask him if he has any plans to leave his wife for you. Explain you are not asking him to do it, you are asking if it is a serious possibility in his mind. Don't necessarily trust the answer either way; watch how he behaves and acts after you ask (for a few days). Sometimes there are no winners in love, I'm so sorry you got into this bad situation. My advice? Kiss his forehead, thank him for touching your soul, and walk away. If you do stick around, you will end up sleeping with him. That will make it so much harder. Here are the things I would advise that you not do under any circumstance: 1. do not hurt yourself...we care about you, we need you with us, and we are not the only ones 2. do not tell his W...this is like invading Iraq. It doesn't always go so smoothly, you aren't always welcome as a hero, reconstruction sometimes takes forever 3. do not for a moment tell yourself that he will leave her if you just stay around
Author fatebuddies Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 What type of reaction will I get if i ask him if he plans on leaving his wife for me? You suggested wait a couple of days and see how he reacts. Will he become distant?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 What type of reaction will I get if i ask him if he plans on leaving his wife for me? You suggested wait a couple of days and see how he reacts. Will he become distant? Depends on how you ask. If you leave it open ended like: "Do you plan on leaving your wife for me?" You will get a variety of answers, none of which you will be able to count on. If you say point blank: "I need a date by which you are going to file for divorce, and the date you intend on signing a lease to your own place." He may give you a date, but will become distant and antsy as that date approaches. Then the excuses will start. The more specific you are the more firmly you pin him down, the more likely you are to see his true intentions, particularly if you make it clear that your boundaries are not going to be budged and that he will suffer very real consequences if he does not follow through.
Flabbergaster Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 First, I agree with everything Lucrezia said in response. Good advice. What type of reaction will I get if i ask him if he plans on leaving his wife for me? You suggested wait a couple of days and see how he reacts. Will he become distant? From what you've said so far...I think that the answer is no regardless of what he says. I'm sorry, it's my perspective as a MM. I think he loves you, and I think that isn't enough. Because you indicate he's trying to gently push you away and is telling you clearly that he can only give so much, he might be honest if you ask this question and the answer is "no." I like starting open ended...and then (immediately) following up with what Lucrezia suggests. His reaction might be more important this his words, because he could easily lie. Watch to see if he is antsy...distant...suddenly busy w/o warning...or tries to do smt "special and romantic" to change the topic...If you get fishy feelings from the way he responds, trust your gut. (the reason I'm suggesting this...I want you to suspect him of lying and get angry, cause if he says "yes" I think he's lying) Let me be clear...I do not think you should believe a "yes" answer from him. Not unless he gives you a date, and starts showing paperwork progress towards that date. Then...until it's DONE i don't want you to believe it. Good advice I read here once...every day, ask yourself how long you are willing to stay in this situation (in pain, unfulfilled, him not leaving her).
Author fatebuddies Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 I've been trying to distance myself, and that is working. I also lied and told him I started dating again. Not that i'm lying because i'm scared to date, i'm lying cause I haven't found someone yet . So what if he thinks i'm dating, well, he has become distant since my "first" date. Told him today I have another date tomorrow night, and I find it strange he wants details. Any idea why? And why would he become distant when I told him I was dating? I did ask him to tell me to date, and he did, so that means to me, he's not leaving his wife, and I truly know he wants my happiness, but part of me will always wonder what could have been.
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