Just over 5 weeks of NC...feeling a little shaky.

[radrluv72]

It's been 9 weeks since my ex dumped me, and 5 weeks since I implemented NC. It's been good for me for the most part, not contacting him. I've done my best to meet new people at my own pace...but for the past few days, I've been thinking an awful lot about him. Friday night as I went to bed, I found myself crying myself to sleep...namely because I still love him as much as I ever did, and I found myself missing him. Deeply.

 

For some reason, and I'm not sure why, I started thinking about the breakup all over again, and how he had blindsided me with dumping me 2 days before he deployed to Afghanistan for the winter. But I started thinking more about all the plans we had made for when he got back. He had wanted to take me to his hometown of Portland when he got back, and then in the fall, take me to New York City because he knew that I'd always wanted to go there. He even talked about getting his pilot's license to take me on my first plane ride ever...just him & me. I mourned the loss of those plans...because he was the one that I wanted to share those things with.

 

Every day, I drive by the local AF base that he was stationed at before he left, and where he'll be stationed at for the next 2 years when he comes home in April. During the afternoon on my way home from work, I can see the big white RJ's up in the sky getting ready to land on the runway...the planes that he used to fly when he was here. And it just hurts. And there's no way to avoid driving by, unfortunately...living 15 minutes outside of a large AF base, it's kind of hard to do.

 

I've no inclination to break NC and get in contact with him, because I know what my heart wants. We split up because he thought I was too good to be true, even though I know he cared about me. God knows that I would do just about anything to have him back in my life, but I won't settle for less than what I want. But while I try to go out and meet someone new, there's always something holding me back...the love in my heart for him. I had sent everything that he gave me while we were together back to his address in Afghanistan on NYE, so I know that he got it all back somewhere in the past couple of weeks, but I didn't get a response from him about it, not that I really expected to.

 

I don't have any hurt anymore...but I still have all my love & my longing for him. Is this normal while going through NC? To spontainenously start missing your ex all over again when you were just about "there"? I just don't want to start the crying cycle all over again...the sleepless nights, the irregular eating patterns...I can't do it again. But my heart will just not let him go. Trust me, I've no dellusions about the possibility of his coming back to me when his deployment is over in 2 months. But I've never been the same person since he left. Even after this long, I still don't feel like then person that I used to be before he came into my life. And I don't know that I ever will.

 

Hell, maybe I just need to move. Lol....any words of insight & support would be greatly appreciated.

Edited February 8, 2011 by radrluv72

[0hpenelope]

I don't have any hurt anymore...but I still have all my love & my longing for him. Is this normal while going through NC? To spontainenously start missing your ex all over again when you were just about "there"?

Yes, it's normal. That's why NC is so hard and why most don't want to choose it. We have no idea what the other side is going through and we mustn't care to know; we were the ones left behind, so we're forced to look at having our exes out of our lives cold turkey, when our exes have had the time to think or sort through their stuff as best as they could before they left.

 

Someone who meant so much to us once and we're just going to have to cut them out of our lives like that for our own sake and sanity. If I kept in touch with my ex, I'd have gone crazy by now because I would still talk to him knowing that he really only wants me as a friend. Nope, sorry. I'm not having it. My ex seems to think that there's hope in the future for us to be friends and while I agree that life brings unexpected surprises, I know that I don't want him as just a friend. Stalemate.

 

Still, I'd rather have this NC than staying in touch with him and entrenching myself further into the friends zone. Being a friend is not where I want to be with him and same goes for you. He doesn't want you in his space, FINE. Give him all of the space away from you that he wants. Time apart? Heck yeah, this too! He thinks you're too good for him? Well then, it's his loss for giving up a good thing.

 

I'm trying to meet new people, too. The guys know I'm on the rebound, and they do not care. No need to be serious, but I won't lie to say that I don't care about the attention I'm receiving from the opposite sex. It's done wonders for my self-esteem and validation. I'm re-learning how to flirt and most importantly, it's just so nice to see that people are so receptive to me. I've met new people and while I have my weak moments, I do know that those moments will pass.

 

Your ex wants to be apart from you? LET HIM HAVE AAALLLL OF THAT SPACE. Complete absence and silence on your part as you focus on yourself and healing because that's exactly what he wants: you gone from his life. You won't go back to the irregular eating or the sleepless nights because you will tell yourself "No. I'm done with this. There's got to be a better way to heal and move on. This is destructive to me." You're only hurting yourself if you carry on as you do. Any pain that you're feeling right now? He's not feeling! He's been removed from you for a while and you can remove yourself from him, too.

[radrluv72]

Space? Oh yeah, he's got space. Thousands of miles of space, to be exact. He's been in Afghanistan for the last 2 months and I've been here on the Iowa/Nebraska border. Lots of space.

 

However, the "I need space" thing never came into play with our split...neither did the whole "I just want to be friends" thing. This particular breakup was so hard on me because deep down, I know the reasons he broke up with me--his lack of self-confidence, his lack of maturity, and non-ownership of his feelings--there was never anything that I could do to "fix" those things. Since I'm an individual who's overly critical of myself, there's always been a part of me that blamed myself for not being able to "fix" things. My head tells me that I did nothing wrong to cause him to leave me...he had even told me that himself. But just the idea that someone could be so lacking of confidence that they would deliberately destroy & walk away from a beautiful, wonderful thing that was just beginning...I was never able to wrap my head around it. I still can't. I don't spend anywhere as near as much time as I did trying to make sense of it all because I know what I'll do to myself if I do.

 

I did keep myself from actively meeting men for a while after the breakup...after the devastation I went through, how could I? Now that I'm out there again, I'm not eager to jump into something serious. But it's so damned frustrating when every guy I do meet, all I can think is, "he's not my Joe". That's insanity. And I've never, ever done that before in my life. Compared other men to my ex? And I know the only reason that I'm doing it is because of how much I still love him & want him back. I never figured that my own heart would try to keep me from moving on.

 

I've never been the kind of person who couldn't be alone. As a matter of fact, I've only been actively dating for about a year now...I actually had spent 10 years having put myself up on a shelf trying to figure out who I was, and what I wanted & deserved out of life. I'm an extremely independent person...which oddly enough, was one of the qualities that my ex liked about me particularly. I know that I deserve a happy ending. And while my head tells me it's still out there waiting for me, my heart keeps clinging to the idea that it's with my ex. And all I want my heart to do is shut the hell up and open itself up for someone else.

 

One of my best friends told me that probably the only thing I've never been in control of is my love life. That, and that I constantly blame myself for things that happen in my love life that aren't my fault & that I didn't cause. I wish that I could say that I wish that I had never met my ex to begin with, but that would be a lie. But I also want my old self back, 100%...not 99.9%.

 

Y'know how some people say that every person that you meet in your life, you meet for a reason? I think to a point that's true...but my ex, I can't figure out. I can't understand how I could meet someone to fall so deeply and truly in love...only to have it ripped away from me. It just doesn't make any sense. I just wish I had an answer.

[gator12]

It's love plain and simple. We have no possible way of explaining it, but love in some ways never goes away. You can be completely moved on but still love your ex. I myself am in that position, and still have that hope somewhere that my future is with her. The thing is I don't cling to that hope. That I think is the distinction to make between being moved on and not. Love doesn't die quite so quickly and that is just a fact, most of the time it only changes form.

 

Stay strong, you will have some moments of weakness but in time they will pass. The future is bright, always remember that.

 

-Gator