Movingthrough Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Im always reading on here, reading books, googling and doing whatever i can to really learn from my breakup which has really been a journey for me. I still hurt but its not like before, i find myself more on a mission to study this type of stuff then just sit in it and feel like crap. One issue that i have had that i dont see talked about a lot, is how to deal with actual reminders or the little triggers then can set a thought into motion. Example, i havent seen my family since me and my ex broke up. I feel like that when i go there next all i will be doing is driving around seeing all the places we went or something as simple as the room we stayed in at my family's house. Not like i want to think that but its going to pop in your head no matter what. Obviously it is what it is and you cant really avoid it, but all i have been able to come up with for me personally is more of a well that was good when it lasted or cant forget the good times type of thing. Curious to see how everyone on here deals with it...
Duckduckgoose Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 How I am dealing with triggers is just taking it in the gut if I'm down, making sure I feel the pain so I can process through it. If I am feeling really good and happy I will go to a place that I know is a trigger... a certain mall, a certain trail, etc etc. When I am in a good mood its easy for me to mentally "take that place back" as my own, not his, and not ours... mine There is one specific mall we frequented on date nights, which I have had to "take back" several times. Its like I am afraid of that mall for some reason? The one place I am really fearing is the beautiful Mimosa tree he proposed to me under, which is also the place 3 of my old pets are buried. That place is very sentimental to me. I am not sure when I will get the strength to go there and "take it back". As far as items that are triggers, I've destroyed or gotten rid of all of them. It meant rearranging the apartment and getting a new comforter and sheet set, but that is what had to happen. The towel we used to lay down for sexy time (it was the same towel) is now underneath the bird cage, used to collect bird ****, feather dust, and seed husks. Haha to that one. Its odd revenge in its own way... the towel was a gift from his younger sister to him, and I thought he would have taken it when he left. He didn't... and its a nice towel that I didn't want to get rid of, so by re-purposing it for the birds I am pretty much saying "Your sex is now worth **** and garbage to me. In fact I have to shake it off periodically because it's so nasty".
bluebirdsfly Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I try to avoid any triggers or reminders as much as I could until I don't care anymore.
bl22 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Had a trigger the other day at work... New girl was wearin same perfume as my ex, a smell I havent smelt since I was with her. Really took me back it did, something as little as a smell. Was very strange, made me emotional but I hid it.
cerridwen Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I switch thoughts immediately. Let's say I see...umm...something Ohio State (his college team). I don't let myself think "God, he loved that team. I wonder if he's happy about how well their basketball team is doing." As soon as my mind registers that it's OSU and linked to him, I insert a thought about something ENTIRELY different--and I stay with that thought for as long as I need to. It really works. It requires hyper-vigilance but it's worth it. Not sure if this makes sense but I hope it helps.
0hpenelope Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I deflect. I've gotten quite good at it and I was surprised at how well I was able to do that.
bl22 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I switch thoughts immediately. Let's say I see...umm...something Ohio State (his college team). I don't let myself think "God, he loved that team. I wonder if he's happy about how well their basketball team is doing." As soon as my mind registers that it's OSU and linked to him, I insert a thought about something ENTIRELY different--and I stay with that thought for as long as I need to. It really works. It requires hyper-vigilance but it's worth it. Not sure if this makes sense but I hope it helps. Im pretty sure this is what my ex has been doing since the breakup, she would have had plenty of reminders of me.
cerridwen Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Im pretty sure this is what my ex has been doing since the breakup, she would have had plenty of reminders of me. Then I say you do it right back to her!
melenkurion Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 The main triggers for me have been places we used to go to, music we both liked, and TV shows we both liked. With places, I have simply decided to reclaim them as my own. I haven't avoided going anywhere that we used to go to. I just feel I have no intentions of hiding myself away, avoiding places. If I like a place I am going to carry on going there. Somehow that hasn't been as difficult as I thought. Even the place where we properly broke up, I have been there since and it was fine. I just feel I have every right to be there, and I have been able to make new memories with new people. I think of it as detoxifying a place. Music... Some has been OK, if I listened to it a lot on my own as well as together. Some stuff I simply can't face any more. Music seems to be a very powerful trigger for me. There's a band all three of us like (me, ex, guy my ex left me for). I simply can't listen to them any longer. TV shows: that's been really tricky. Some things I used to watch with ex and Other Guy. Can't watch those any more. Dunno why, but that's been hardest, more than music. Anything that I know Other Guy likes, I can't face.
Author Movingthrough Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Never heard of the concept of "taking back", i like it. I always wonder when it comes to deflecting, where do you draw the line on that? Some of me thinks thats almost like hiding it away or ignoring it. I know there have been posts about this on here, you know what is ignoring (which can make it worse) and actually dealing with it. Its funny too because sometimes i feel like the man above (or whoever you believe in) is trying to tell me something. I feel like the songs we listened too or shows whatever seem to pop up always on my worst days, like someone trying to tell me you need to move on. In the last few weeks i have let go of a lot of this, and have been a lot better, i just sometimes worry that triggers can restart it all back up.........??
0hpenelope Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I always wonder when it comes to deflecting, where do you draw the line on that? Some of me thinks thats almost like hiding it away or ignoring it. I know there have been posts about this on here, you know what is ignoring (which can make it worse) and actually dealing with it. I can explain this. When I start re-visiting memories that I've already confronted, I can ignore them. The other day, I remembered a sweet memory that I have of my ex and I was a mess for about... an hour or so. Today, I'm thinking of the very same memory and I promise you, as I type this, there's a big hand swatting it away like it's swatting at a gadfly. It depends on the memory. I worked with my counselor months ago about this (saw one and those visits are unrelated to this break-up, but the tools I learned from her, I'm able to use with this break-up) and not all memories impact me the same. Some are easier to deflect, others aren't. The ones that I cannot, I allow myself the time to feel whatever feelings come; then I reach out to friends right away and they help me talk myself out of it. cerridwen used a good terminology for it: hyper-vigilance. Same w/ dreams. I know how I remember dreams and when I have a dream about him, I stop myself from remembering what I dreamt about. I'm pretty sure I had a dream with him in it last night; I've had two dreams previously. No, I don't remember them because I refuse to. My mind, my decision.
depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Distraction technique for all. Think of Penelope with her tennis racket batting away old memories, returning the serves, slamming them back over the line. In all honesty learning to control your thoughts is the secret to happiness in all warps of life, there is much to be learnt about yourself from a breakup.
Author Movingthrough Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 In all honesty learning to control your thoughts is the secret to happiness in all warps of life, there is much to be learnt about yourself from a breakup This is really what i have learned through this whole process. I find myself thinking and thinking, then stopping, and thinking wow this really doesnt matter. At this point there is nothing else that can be done in mine. The triggers are an issue sometimes but they do loose their power. Like penelope said though dreams are a big thing for me. I had a dream last about her that was nuts. Basically, i was standing next to her and her new boyfriend was crying, he walked away to a bedroom and she went after him kind of like ahhh ill go take care of it. She got in there and i could see through a crack that she was kind of motioning like something sexual at him, then stopped, and covered him with the blanket so no one could see. Dream over. WTF? It was one of those most intense dreams i have had, the feeling was nuts, the whole time it was a feeling of she is only with him because he is there (i live far away) and if i was there (like i was in the dream) she would double think him. But if that isnt a trigger i dont know what is lol, im curious to what the dreams means though...
0hpenelope Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Like penelope said though dreams are a big thing for me. I had a dream last about her that was nuts. Basically, i was standing next to her and her new boyfriend was crying, he walked away to a bedroom and she went after him kind of like ahhh ill go take care of it. She got in there and i could see through a crack that she was kind of motioning like something sexual at him, then stopped, and covered him with the blanket so no one could see. Dream over. WTF? It was one of those most intense dreams i have had, the feeling was nuts, the whole time it was a feeling of she is only with him because he is there (i live far away) and if i was there (like i was in the dream) she would double think him. But if that isnt a trigger i dont know what is lol, im curious to what the dreams means though... Take the time to learn how you dream, if you can. I've been able to ignore a lot of dreams about my ex because I learned how I remember dreams and what triggers the subjects I dream about. For your part, it sounds like you feel restless because you're wondering if the dreams mean anything. I think your conscious thoughts are projected even to your subconscious as you sleep. You understandably miss her, so your thoughts are of her. Dreams are interesting things, aren't they? It's a wonder why we dream of people we haven't had in our lives for a while or of places we've never been to. Next time you dream of something, try not thinking about your dream as soon as you open your eyes. That's what I do to remember dreams: I don't get up just yet and I think on the dream as I lie in bed. When I dream about the ex, I just get up and get moving and pretty soon, I don't remember what last night's dream was about. If you learn how you dream, you won't feel as horrible because you understand why you're dreaming of your ex or of something more unpleasant. Whether or not dreams do have a prophetic nature about them, that's a different discussion.
depplover_1980 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 If you learn how you dream, you won't feel as horrible because you understand why you're dreaming of your ex or of something more unpleasant. Whether or not dreams do have a prophetic nature about them, that's a different discussion. Some of my dreams DO have a prophetic nature but then I have some crazy powers anyway, but this is other topics completely. Good advice about learning how you dream, it helps you understand yourself better. I have a few different types of dreams, the epic ones are my favourite.
jamrah Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 i wear an elastic band around my wrist, any time your mind starts to wander in that particular direction, pull it back and give the soft skin of your wrist a good slapping. it will soon turn red and sore and your mind starts to not want your wrist to be sore, so in a way your mind trains you not think about that stuff!! it'll hurt, but it might help.
Recommended Posts