bigklydesdale Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I have been married to my wife since 2006 and we have 3 children together. Throughout our relationship and marriage we have hurt each other in various ways. Recently we moved to another state and she started seeing an old boyfriend whom she has lots of history with. Now, at first I told her I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of them talking so much and hanging out, but who am I to force her. Long story short, she has been pursuing a relationship with him and she wants me to move out while she discovers herself and what she wants. I am in the process of moving out, but close by so I can still be with my children. I don't want to leave and I am only in hopes that if I leave she will miss me and want me back. I am tremendously scared that I will lose her as she is the only woman I have ever loved. The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster and I don't really have anyone to talk to about the situaution, or at least anyone with some rationale and intelligence that could offer me a break from myself and how I think of it all.
gkaplan000 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 This is a tough one... How old were you when you two got married. Is there a big age difference. I am going through a very tough part in my marriage. we have been married for 5 years and have 2 kids. We are separated and getting ready to see a MC to work out our issues. If she is pursuing this man the last thing on her mind is you or the kids. sorry to say that but it's true. if she cared about you and the kids she would have been upfront with you. She doesn't need to discover herself, she just wants to see the OM. You should take care of yourself and be the dad you are supposed to be to the kids. They need you to be strong. Don't let this eat you up even though it's tough. I could never picture my wife sleeping with another man, but it is part of life. As sad as that is. Some people don't know what they have till it's gone. Hopefully she will see that and I hope you turn your back on her. If she does it once she will do it again. keep your head up man
willowthewisp Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Do not facilitate her cheating on you by moving out of your home. ALl this rubblish about her wanting to find herslef is just that, rubbish, what she wants is the house to herself so she can see OM and you on a hook in case it doesn't work out. I've seen it on these boards time and time again. You need to start doing some research, recommened on here are the 180, divorce busting and the marriage builders plan a and plan b and yes, I have seen poster on here that both of these relationship sites have worked for and some that haven't. If your wife is in an affair fog and wants to pursue relationship with OM then do not facilitate it for her, hard reality time, if she wants this then she is the one to move out, you stay right where you are with the children. No financial support for her either, she has to understand and experience the consequences of her actions if you stand any chance of reconciling. Beore you do this research how to do it, this isn't to be mean, this is to show her you will not tolerate her treatment of you and your family but that you love her still and are willing to work on the marriage but she has to be too and that means ceasing all contact with OM. Follow the 180, fake it until you make it and hopefully she will see you for the man she married once again.
carhill Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 *Do not* move out of the marital home your children reside in. *Do* seek advice of legal counsel to protect said home, your rights and the health and safety of your children. Check back when that is done. My sympathies....
GorillaTheater Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Willow and Carhill are absolutely right, DO NOT move out of the marital home. Do not be a doormat or whipped puppy; if she wants out of the marriage, she can be the one to leave. Time to make a stand for yourself. Separate finances and talk to a lawyer. As a matter of fact, get free consultations with as many lawyers as you can.
Albertan Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 ...at first I told her I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of them talking so much and hanging out, but who am I to force her. You're her bloody husband! She wants to "discover" herself, then follow the advice from others here - DO NOT MOVE OUT! In fact, I would be more aggressive and start packing her stuff for her. Be cold, distant but maintain a cordial relationship, like business partners. Do start putting money away, untangling yourself financially and do not do anything that jeopardizes losing custody of your children. Really feel for you buddy and she is in the midst of now deciding what she wants but the longer you allow her full control over the relationship, while she takes OM for a test drive the more damage will be done to you emotionally and the longer it will take to heal. Just keep reminding yourself, this is her choice and she will have to live the consequences of her actions.
debtman Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Sorry to hear it...do the 180...work on yourself. There are LOTS of women out there. I know, now it seems like she's the only one. If she's with OM, she ain't worth ****...YOU are worth more than that. LEARN from your mistakes, find another one, move on... 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
robf1971 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I am in the process of moving out, but close by so I can still be with my children. Hard words here. If you move out you are a d*ck. You think that if you move out it will somehow please her?. This is your problem, she has lost ALL respect for you. " Wife I've decided I'm staying in the family home" Let her rant and rave at you all she wants. It will at least gain you back some respect. Then " Wife I will not live in an open relationship, either cease contact with OM, with full transparenct and work on rebuilding our marriage or move out within 2 weeks. I will even help you pack" Anything less than a yes, bring some boxes home, pack her sh*t up and put them in the garage. Then drop her like a bad habit Do not instigate emails, texts or calls, only answer any of hers that concern finances and the kids. Let her see what it's like to miss you.
robf1971 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 . No financial support for her either, she has to understand and experience the consequences of her actions if you stand any chance of reconciling. . Absolutely, you must not enable this in anyway
What_Next Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 You've been given enough good advice here, FOLLOW IT. Make no mistake (this is going to sound harsh, but it needs to be said) she is already banging this guy. She is so deep into her affair fog now that she'll see almost NOTHING outside her relationship with this guy. Care for your kids, care for yourself. DO NOT leave the home, hell NO do not leave the home. Do not leave your bedroom, do not pack a bag. Tell her straight. YOU WANT OUT, YOU LEAVE. YOU WANT TO BANG SOMEONE ELSE, YOU LEAVE! Those of us who have had our wives cheat know this from experience. Even my wife would admit that she could not see anything past her "relationship" when she was having her affair. You want a reaction? Lift that fog. Lift it NOW!
flowergirl77 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 You've been given enough good advice here, FOLLOW IT. Make no mistake (this is going to sound harsh, but it needs to be said) she is already banging this guy. She is so deep into her affair fog now that she'll see almost NOTHING outside her relationship with this guy. Care for your kids, care for yourself. DO NOT leave the home, hell NO do not leave the home. Do not leave your bedroom, do not pack a bag. Tell her straight. YOU WANT OUT, YOU LEAVE. YOU WANT TO BANG SOMEONE ELSE, YOU LEAVE! Those of us who have had our wives cheat know this from experience. Even my wife would admit that she could not see anything past her "relationship" when she was having her affair. You want a reaction? Lift that fog. Lift it NOW! As the WW..I can see there is a whole lot of truth to all that is being said here..but especially the effect of the "affair fog". It is VERY real and makes everything feel so bad. It made me want a D, and I almost left on one of our D-days, but saw how much of a mess my H was and couldn't go through with it. He has said from the begining no matter what our problems were.."I will never leave my kids,if we ever D you are going to have to leave". After my EA, he held firm with this, refused to leave-and I can say it forced me to really think about my actions. If I walk out on my family for OM, I have to live with that decision for the rest of my life. If HE had of left the home (which I wanted) we would likely be divorced by now because that would have made it much easier for me to pursue my R with OM and to disconnect from my H even further. So as pissed as I was he would not leave (and really why should he? I was the one who f***** it all up and cheated) it has kept us in the same home, trying to make sense of all of this to see if we can fix this mess. If your wife is in any kind of affair-she will not be thinking clearly. The OM feels like heaven to her, and the marriage like hell...she will want to run away as fast as she can to "find herself"...I felt the exact same way, but knew part of that was going to be finding myself seeing OM if my H left.
What_Next Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 bigklydesdale, you have been given a wonderful insight into the 2 sides of what is going on in your marriage by flowergirl and myself. Trust us, trust what we are telling you. For heavens sake STAY!!!! Expose what is going on and lift that fog. Do it NOW! Even though your insides are screaming at you, be calm, think rationally and you might stand a chance to recover your marriage should that be what you really want.
robf1971 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 bigklydesdale, you have been given a wonderful insight into the 2 sides of what is going on in your marriage by flowergirl and myself. Trust us, trust what we are telling you. For heavens sake STAY!!!! Expose what is going on and lift that fog. Do it NOW! Even though your insides are screaming at you, be calm, think rationally and you might stand a chance to recover your marriage should that be what you really want. Yep, deal with your wife calmly. Also do some intel find out who this shmuck OM is, Find out if he's married, then tell his wife.
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