Rxwoman Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hello, I am wondering about a guy at work who seems to be sending mixed signals. This sounds silly, but I am wondering about the message of that movie, "Maybe He's Just Not Into You." The message being if a guy wants to go out with you, he will find a way to make it happen. In other words, there is no such things as "signs" or "mixed signals". If a guy has any true interest in dating you, he'll find a way to ask you out. Guys, give me your take on this, please.
Nexus One Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) Hello, I am wondering about a guy at work who seems to be sending mixed signals. This sounds silly, but I am wondering about the message of that movie, "Maybe He's Just Not Into You." The message being if a guy wants to go out with you, he will find a way to make it happen. In other words, there is no such things as "signs" or "mixed signals". If a guy has any true interest in dating you, he'll find a way to ask you out. Guys, give me your take on this, please. That whole "he's just not that into you" cult is mostly bullsh*t. Perhaps there are a few general truths here and there, but that doesn't mean they apply to your guy. Oprah pushed that whole thing. Hundreds of agreeing women in the studio and just 1 guy, but he was promoting his book. His "he's just not that into you" book. I get the idea Oprah doesn't like men very much and tries to (subtly) push that view onto other women. The reason they didn't have any independent(non-paid) men in the audience is because if they did, then they'd be called out on their bullsh*t. Getting called out on your bullsh*t is a bad promotional strategy for a book, I guess Oprah and her editors knew that. Edited February 7, 2011 by Nexus One
zengirl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I think some of the things in the book are common sense and true, like, if a guy doesn't call you back, he's not that into you (same for women). But there's no rule that a man has to ask you out first---he could take aeons to work up the courage or not think your interested or whatnot. I think the rule of thumb is to express your own interest clearly and ONCE, whether male or female, and not express any more attentiveness/interest until your interest has been somehow reciprocated. i.e. Don't let it be too one-sided, but who cares who goes first?
Nexus One Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 My point is that women should let those marketing gimmicks go and focus on their actual personal situations. There are so many reasons a man can act in a certain way and there are so many known and unknown variables in personal situations, that applying general truths to personal situations can risk preventing you from getting into a relationship. The same goes for men by the way.
Leeway Harris Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I think the rule of thumb is to express your own interest clearly and ONCE, whether male or female, and not express any more attentiveness/interest until your interest has been somehow reciprocated. That's a good strategy. Except for the fact that people speak such different languages. You could think you're being very expressive with your interest and the other person could be totally oblivious to it. Or you could make a move, and they could be reciprocating like crazy the only way they know how to do it, and you could be missing it because they don't speak your language. Maybe you have to explicitly say "I like you. Do you like me?"
Imajerk17 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) You into Crossfit (your screenname Rxwoman made me wonder). The rules go out the window when you work with someone. We don't want to create an awkward situation where we spend 40+ hours/week, for one thing. So unless you're giving us some clear signs (what a girl thinks is clear is NOT what is clear to a guy), we're probably not going to go there. Before everyone else just spouts out their little chestnuts of wisdom on here, it would help if you would explain the situation some more. You left out some relevant details. How do you two interact? What is your professional relationship to this guy? How friendly are you to this guy back? Answers to these would help you get more useful responses. Edited February 7, 2011 by Imajerk17
zengirl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 That's a good strategy. Except for the fact that people speak such different languages. You could think you're being very expressive with your interest and the other person could be totally oblivious to it. Or you could make a move, and they could be reciprocating like crazy the only way they know how to do it, and you could be missing it because they don't speak your language. Maybe you have to explicitly say "I like you. Do you like me?" Well, true, but I think anyone who misinterprets my interest/I misinterpret their interest is just going to lead to bad communication continually. That's the first test of whether or not I have potentially good communication with someone. And I'm not saying to pussyfoot around. Smiling at a guy does not = "I showed interest he should know to ask em out" but if I say, "Hey do you want to call me and go out sometime?" and the guy doesn't call? I know he's not interested. Or he's not good at calling. Either way, it's not going to work out.
phineas Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I NEVER ask women out at work. Anymore. period. They have to ask me. There are just too many teases at work. Seen too many guys get ripped a new one by an overly flirty woman that got pissed some guy asked her out because she was constantly flirting with him.
Mad Max Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 That's a crock of sh*t. If we're going by that logic, then if a woman is interested in a guy, she'll do anything to make it happen.
Author Rxwoman Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Imajerk, this person who I only occasionally work with ( our shifts vary, and I'm part time) sounded like he was asking me out last summer. He suggested we go bowling sometime. Nothing specific, just "sometime". And then nothing happened. I tried to be nicer, and spend more time talking with him, but nothing. Then I overheard another coworker asking him about his girlfriend. So I figured I had misinterpreted the suggestion and wrote him off. That was last fall. But of course an annoying crush I can't get rid of persists. Now, recently he seems to be extra nervous, and flirty around me, I'm catching the sideways glances, and the looking at me when he thinks I don't know it , the big cheesy grins, and the " I was thinking about you.." comments. So I figured either ; 1. I'm bad at reading people. 2. I'm seeing things that arent there. 3. he's figured out I have a bit of a crush on him, and it's making him act weird. I'm telling myself if he wants to go out, he'll just ask.
Kaplan Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 He suggested we go bowling sometime. Nothing specific, just "sometime". And then nothing happened. That's the kind of thing that would happen with a really shy guy. So perhaps he's just really shy. Also, I think "Rxwoman" means she's a pharmacist.
SmileFace Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 That's a crock of sh*t. If we're going by that logic, then if a woman is interested in a guy, she'll do anything to make it happen. I don't usually agree with you, well at least I don't think I do,but this right on the money.
Imajerk17 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Imajerk, this person who I only occasionally work with ( our shifts vary, and I'm part time) sounded like he was asking me out last summer. He suggested we go bowling sometime. Nothing specific, just "sometime". And then nothing happened. I tried to be nicer, and spend more time talking with him, but nothing. Then I overheard another coworker asking him about his girlfriend. So I figured I had misinterpreted the suggestion and wrote him off. That was last fall. But of course an annoying crush I can't get rid of persists. Now, recently he seems to be extra nervous, and flirty around me, I'm catching the sideways glances, and the looking at me when he thinks I don't know it , the big cheesy grins, and the " I was thinking about you.." comments. So I figured either ; 1. I'm bad at reading people. 2. I'm seeing things that arent there. 3. he's figured out I have a bit of a crush on him, and it's making him act weird. I'm telling myself if he wants to go out, he'll just ask. I agree with Kaplan. He sounds shy. If you're really into him, you can ask him "So when are you going to work up the guts to ask me out?"
carhill Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 My datapoint as a relatively shy man who was a virgin until his 30's was that, if I clearly knew the woman was not married and didn't indicate 'being' with someone, then, if attracted, I asked her out on a date. Because clearly single females were/are so rare in my neck of the woods, I often received rejections from women who were 'out of my league' but, no matter, if she was single, she was fair game. If a guy has any true interest in dating you, he'll find a way to ask you out. Yes, as a man, and one who has had some very disappointing experiences with women, including a failed marriage, I believe this to be accurate.
Author Rxwoman Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Kaplan, you are right. I am in the medical field. And the guy in question is kind of a shyish guy.
Kaplan Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 My datapoint as a relatively shy man who was a virgin until his 30's was that, if I clearly knew the woman was not married and didn't indicate 'being' with someone, then, if attracted, I asked her out on a date. Because clearly single females were/are so rare in my neck of the woods, I often received rejections from women who were 'out of my league' but, no matter, if she was single, she was fair game. Yes, as a man, and one who has had some very disappointing experiences with women, including a failed marriage, I believe this to be accurate. I think this is only universally true if the guy's interest is absolute. I'm not even that shy of a guy, but I might not ask you out if I'm a little interested. Especially if there's something holding me back (like if I work with the girl.) I mean, if you don't really know someone yet, than any interest you have in her is really just a guess about how much you'll like her once you get to know her. From my perspective, even if she seems really cool, that guess about her is probably wrong. Does that make me a pessimist? Anyway, I try not to guess about what other people think of me. I think it's unhealthy to dwell on hints that no matter how much you interpret them will not get you any closer to knowing how the other person feels. I say what matters is how you feel and you obviously have thought about this enough to make it worth the risk since you started a thread about it. Just ask him out and who cares if he says, "I have a girlfriend," or if he goes out with you but turns out to be a jerk (which is more likely.) I wonder if I'm a pessimist . . .
Author Rxwoman Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Yeah, you're right. You are the third person who has suggested this same course of action. I guess I'll have to grow some cojones, or be left wondering. Thanks.
Illiandra Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I have dated guys from my job in the past. If the guy is interested, he will let you know and ask you out. He probably hasnt asked you out if A. he has a gf, B. (usually guys are very weary about dating girls from their job C. he may have interest in you but not 100%....D. is totally confused on what he wants.. it seems like he makes conversation to be nice and talk about topics such as bowling... IMO if a guy is interested you would know 100% and wouldnt have to second guess,,, or wonder... why dont you just not worry about it for a month or two and see what happens or pursue guys who give you 100% green lights
Author Rxwoman Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Iliandra, that's kind of what I did this fall and winter, after deciding that the invitation to go bowling "sometime" was misinterpreted by me. What is odd, is that everyone else seemed to know that he had a girlfriend. We had spoke at length on numerous occasions, about family, friends, where we went to school, activitys we liked, how his folks passed, where we used to live, my kids, on and on, etc, etc, etc. Never ONCE mentioned a girl friend. I only figured it out by overhearing conversation with others. That's when I told myself I had misinterpreted the bowling suggestion ( as well as a couple offers of a ride when my car was acting up). I decided he was just being a nice guy and the bowling suggestion was a platonic gesture. It's just that now recently he seems to be acting all goofy, nervy, face flushes a bit, stares at me, goes out of his way to tease me, the big cheesy grin, that kind of thing, for no reason I can fathom. And neither of us are kids, ( middle age-ish, believe it or not) so I'm left wondering what the heck. It would be a whole lot easier to get over a slight crush if the other person didnt act like they were crushing too. So I just wondered if there was any truth regarding men asking you out IF they really wanted to go out. Ugh, this stuff does NOT get easier with age.
JohnnyCage Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 That whole "he's just not that into you" cult is mostly bullsh*t. Perhaps there are a few general truths here and there, but that doesn't mean they apply to your guy. Oprah pushed that whole thing. Hundreds of agreeing women in the studio and just 1 guy, but he was promoting his book. His "he's just not that into you" book. I get the idea Oprah doesn't like men very much and tries to (subtly) push that view onto other women. The reason they didn't have any independent(non-paid) men in the audience is because if they did, then they'd be called out on their bullsh*t. Getting called out on your bullsh*t is a bad promotional strategy for a book, I guess Oprah and her editors knew that. So you actually watched the Oprah show
Nexus One Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 So you actually watched the Oprah show I turned on the TV and there they were. Hundreds of hysterical women screaming "He's just not that into me!". They were getting brainwashed, cult style. Really Oprah? Play that game woman, play that game...
Author Rxwoman Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Never saw the Oprah, or read the book. What happened is that since he seemed to be acting all interested again, I brought the scenario up with a friend, and she said, " Oh, he's definately interested, and that WAS an ask out..you should ask him to go have coffee.." Then I went home, and just happened to catch that stupid movie, saw myself seeing "signs" that weren't there, like the ditz in the movie, and felt silly for thinking he was interested.
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