jayto Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We just recently vacationed together. This upcoming holiday is for two weeks which I cannot afford. So he has decided to go with another couple for two weeks, while being joined by another woman they have all known as a friend for years, for one week. In order to save money, she will be sharing the same hotel room as my boyfriend. This is an all inclusive, beachfront, top of the line resort. My question is: Should I kick him to the curb? He asked for me to join him for the last week (all I could afford) as she would have left by then. His thinking is that everyone wins by saving money. My thinking is that he's just thrown away our relationship for a cheaper holiday. Comments/opinions would be greatly appreciated. By the way, we are both 48 years old and have homes of our own, we do not live together.
oaks Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Which bit is the problem? Going on holiday without you? Sharing a room with another woman? Don't you trust him?
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 He should go for one week, with YOU when you're able to go. If he's insistent on going for two weeks, he needs to have his own room.
Cee Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I wouldn't sweat it. They are all old friends. If your boyfriend was the cheating type, he would have already done that in a less cumbersome way. I personally think it's great that people in their 40s take trips together. I'm past 40 and I haven't traveled with my pals since I was 30. I miss those times. Friendship and romance need not compete. And why deny yourself a one week vacation out of misplaced jealousy. To be honest, I don't think you are that jealous of the woman. You are more jealous that they will be vacationing together without you. Please, don't be one of those girlfriends who stops her boyfriend from doing stuff with his friends. You aren't excluded. You are going a week later and you'll have a blast. All inclusive vacations are great. That's my opinion. Take it or leave it. P.S. Ask him to sleep on the floor or a cot. He should gladly do it b/c it's appropriate behavior.
zengirl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 If it bothers you, he shouldn't do it, because he should value your thoughts and feelings. I can say, I see his logic, and it wouldn't bother me, assuming there was no weird vibe with that woman, she was not an ex of his, etc. My BF has gone away to events and such and stayed with female friends before (not under the same circumstances); it's not something that bothers me, nor would him going on a lengthier vacation than I when he had the money to do so but I did not, especially if I was to join him for part of it. However, he should have consulted you first and considered your feelings. P.S. Now sharing a BED would be an issue.
O'Malley Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Do you know this particular friend well? It does partially depend on the interactions that she has had with your boyfriend and both of you as a couple. I agree with Zengirl that he should have brought this up to you first, to get your feel on it before he made any concrete plans. Let him know that you're uncomfortable with the idea of his sharing a room with her. I wouldn't be comfortable staying in a room with a guy friend without his girlfriend/spouse -- not because I would be tempted to cheat, but I would be concerned about how his girlfriend would feel about the situation. People in relationships generally shouldn't act in ways that are conducive to cheating.
Imajerk17 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm a guy and I admit that it seems a little sketchy to me. I would say that a big part of respecting your relationship is not only "not cheating", but also not putting yourself in situations that LOOK bad (even if nothing actually ends up happening).
Author jayto Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 I don't know her very well. She is divorced and I'm told by friends that she has no interest in my guy whatsoever. She is going to be with friends and have a holiday. I too would feel very uncomfortable sharing a room with an attached man. I believe the worst of this is the fact he's not listening to how I feel and, I believe, has already booked. I know I am still welcome to join, although I don't want to go for the first week knowing I'm leaving and she's arriving. At my age it just doesn't jive, and morally I think it's wrong. But in the end, I don't want to give up my relationship.
Knittress Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Does the couple have to share a room? Could the guys take one room and the girls another?
Stung Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I don't know if I'd go so far as to take a firm moral stance on it, but I can see why you'd be concerned and/or feel disrespected. I don't think it's overly rigid or controlling to be dismayed about your SO spending a holiday getaway amongst romantic scenery in a hotel room with another woman, I don't think it makes you "THAT girl", though perhaps I'm biased because honestly it would probably stroke my insecurity gland also, even though I have met people who would regard it as simply a camping buddies situation and I can understand their position as well. Even if that were the case, I would think that it would fall to him as a responsive, caring partner to make more of an effort to understand your point of view and come to a better compromise than, "I'm going, you can come to when she's not there if you want to." You've been together almost four years, so I wouldn't just automatically kick him to the curb at this point, but I wouldn't drop it either. I would want to get to the root of the problem, his dismissal of your feelings. Do you often find him lacking in empathy, or is this an unusual situation?
Nexus One Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Or you can demand they sleep in a hostel like many backpackers do. Surely they will not have sex in their bunk-beds with 30 other people in the room. Although some people...
Eeyore79 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 It would bother me immensely if it was my bf. I'd expect him to respect me enough not to share a room with another woman. If he went on the holiday, it would be a dumping offense.
daphne Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 If I hadn't done this before, I'd say he needs a sensitivity check. However, I had a best friend that had been dating a girl for about 6 months and we decided to go to the US Open together. We'd been friends a couple of years, there was a big age gap, and I wasn't interested. Amazingly, she didn't freak out and of course nothing happened. They're now married and have a baby. Look at the guy and see if you trust him. If not, you have your answer. Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith.
Questionis Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Or you can demand they sleep in a hostel like many backpackers do. Surely they will not have sex in their bunk-beds with 30 other people in the room. Although some people... I notice you been smiling a lot in your posts, What's going on?
Saphira Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I think that you need to talk to him. I understand that in a reltionship you should trust him, but he should also be understanding with your feelings. if you were to vacation together i would tell him to save money, then dont pay for two weeks. he should just pay for the one week you can go with him and you both just spend that week together. if not he needs his own room for real. And you can even suggest him splitting one weeks coast with you and you both go on a week and a half vacation together. something were you both can meet somewhere in the middle of the desicion.
Nexus One Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I notice you been smiling a lot in your posts, What's going on? Nothing really, I just like joking around on the internet. Perhaps these last few days I've been on a role. I have sh*t to do, but lately my concentration level has taken a dive and on top of that my desktop computer broke down a few days ago which contains stuff for work, so I'm on my laptop now and can't do much until the new desktop computer is delivered so that I can swap out the hard drives. I hope that hard drive still works.
Questionis Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Oh I see you can relax, work free legitimately till new pc arrives hope it works too. I trust you backed up your work?
Nexus One Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I trust you backed up your work? I did, at least the most important part of it, but there is still a fair amount of files I hadn't backed up yet. So I'm kind of crossing my fingers regarding that, but I'm not too worried and my mood is A-okay.
Questionis Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I did, at least the most important part of it, but there is still a fair amount of files I hadn't backed up yet. Cool I'll cross my fingers too Incidentally I did my washing last week 1.30 min cycle and was about to put it in the dryer and my memory stick fell out it still worked though, so I have high hopes for your data
HalfStepDown Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I agree with most all here. I'm 44 and single and I've done some crazy stuff in my past and I can say that THIS is plain and simple disrespect for you and the relationship. 1. He should do "something" with you period. (4years???) yes! 2. He should not even talk "inappropriately" to other women let alone STAY IN A ROOM with one for 2 weeks were there is a constant supply of frosty cold beverages and fun parties and people?? 3. It's just wrong. Print this whole thread out, have him read it. Highlight what YOU agree with and believe in. And if he still goes and/or doesn't understand, then yes... you "should" move on. Whether something happens or NOT, it's still very disrespectful to you and your relationship. I'm a male too by the way... IF that helps give further perspective.
lemonlegs Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Ask him how he would feel if you were going to stay in a hotel with another dude....
make me believe Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 This is sooo wrong and inappropriate!! Of course it's not ok for your BF of four years to spend a week at the beach sharing a hotel room with another girl! That is just so ridiculous. I think it's strange that he's going on a two week vacation without you to begin with. If you can go for a week, he should go for a week too. That way you both get your vacation and there's none of this "sharing a room with another girl" bullsh*t. I think it's totally disrespectful that he booked this vacation and isn't even listening to your concerns. That says a lot, IMO. He is concerned about having fun & partying, NOT about keeping you happy. At the very minimum he should share a room with the other guy & the two girls should room together, or he should just get a cheaper room for himself, but IDK I think it's weird that he's even going without you. I would never go on vacation without my BF, especially for two weeks and expect to share a room with some other guy!
Recommended Posts