Jules1907 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I've just joined the group tonight, I found out yesterday that my husband has been having an affair for several months it is not the first time this has happended in 10 years of marriage but I think probably the longest...he says he cannot promise that he will be able to be faithful to me and tried since the birth of our daughter 3.5 years ago and can't do it so there is no way forward...I feel so stupid as a similar situation arose when I found out I was pregnant and we had counselling and decided to stay together. I wanted it to work with all my heart for the sake of my little girl and to save her from this. He is still here at the moment and we agreed he should move out gradually and we will sort out how we are going to work things financially but I feel like a big part of me is trying to hang onto something that has died and all he wants to do is get out...any tips how to deal with this with dignity and my head held high and do the best thing for our child...thanks
hopesndreams Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Since you still have to live with him, hopefully not for long, start detaching and follow the 180. He's a waste of skin. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
willowthewisp Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 He's not worth your effort, anyone who looks outside of the marriage like he has, has not only dishonoured you but your child/family as well. Both you and your child desevre to be in a loving family environment and that is not possible with a man that thinks having affairs is OK. My advice is to follow the 180 as H&D suggested and to find things that make you happy. Start going out again in the evenings when H is home, to do things you enjoy, take a night class, join a salsa group, etc. Not only will this give you enjoyment, it will build up your self esteem and confidence and has the added bonus that you won't have to spend time with H!
Author Jules1907 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Thanks so much for your posts, I think reality is slowly setting in for me will do my best to follow the 180 and think of my daughter first and foremost...we are planning he starts to spend some days away to get her used to him not being around so much as they are very close and I need to speak to a solicitor asap I think that will be the first step...get the silly dreams of this happy family life out of my head and start on the future...
iheartboobs Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 This guy is ****. "he says he cannot promise that he will be able to be faithful to me and tried since the birth of our daughter 3.5 years ago and can't do it" Bull****. It's not hard to not **** other women, in fact, it's easier than ****ing them... hell, I'm not ****ing some skank right now. He could promise to be faithful. He could keep that promise. He can do it. He just doesn't want to. So **** him.
Recommended Posts