elitefrag Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 So this morning I'm about to leave my girlfriends house and she gets a phone call from a guy.She says it was one of her cousins friends. I never met him before. He was asking if she was by her mothers house so he can drop off an accessory for her car(he owns a car shop). It threw me off because I never met the guy and she never told me he was meeting up with her to give her this accessory which he was giving as a gift to her which was weird to me. I dont know when or where they talked about this before and didnt ask. So if I wasnt there this morning I wouldve never knew about this guy or them meeting up and I know for sure she wouldnt have told me. I didn't get mad about him calling because I know she can have guy friends but the fact she kind of kept him and this "meeting" a secret. Once before she had a private message from a guy friend in facebook who wanted to go to her store for a discount on some clothes. She was looking through her facebook in front of me and we found that by accident and never told me about it which I got a little upset but not like this. So I explained to her I don't care about having guy friends but the fact she doesn't tell me about them and kind of keeps thema "secret" is a problem. She said she is willing to work on it being more open. Then the fight escalated to me saying somethings like I've never had to deal with someone so secrective before and how it bothers me and her saying she's used to doing what she wants and never had to "report" everything she does to a boyfriend. Am I justified for being upset or did I overreact? She says I overreacted. Now we are meeting up after work to have a "talk". She said she didn't know if we would work out and I felt bad about that but think she said it in the heat of the moment of the fight. Any input for our dinner date later? thanks
Ay Diesel T Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Ah this is a tricky one. Overreacted? Yes, a bit. You two have to find a common ground. I think what set this off was not the fact that she has male friends, but the fact that she's going about the whole thing in a secretive manner. Usually when things are done in a secretive manner, it's because there's some guilt attached to the action being done. That isn't implying that she was doing anything wrong though OP. Her stance is that she never had to report anything to her boyfriend, this is understandable, especially if he last boyfriend was very confident in himself and the relationship. My guess is she conducts interactions with other men in secrecy because she knows you have a mild stance against it. Why? Why do you feel she should report interactions with other men to you? Do you report interactions with other women to her? Are you insecure to a certain degree? How does your GF look? How do you look? In my opinion there's no wrong or right here. You have a valid reason, but so does she. Like mentioned before, the two of you have to find a common ground here or it will not work. You have to work on your, what appears to be insecurities (I could be wrong), a bit. She has to understand where you're coming from, instead of going about everything in secrecy which will only add fuel to the fire.
Author elitefrag Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Ah this is a tricky one. Overreacted? Yes, a bit. You two have to find a common ground. I think what set this off was not the fact that she has male friends, but the fact that she's going about the whole thing in a secretive manner. Usually when things are done in a secretive manner, it's because there's some guilt attached to the action being done. That isn't implying that she was doing anything wrong though OP. Her stance is that she never had to report anything to her boyfriend, this is understandable, especially if he last boyfriend was very confident in himself and the relationship. My guess is she conducts interactions with other men in secrecy because she knows you have a mild stance against it. Why? Why do you feel she should report interactions with other men to you? Do you report interactions with other women to her? Are you insecure to a certain degree? How does your GF look? How do you look? In my opinion there's no wrong or right here. You have a valid reason, but so does she. Like mentioned before, the two of you have to find a common ground here or it will not work. You have to work on your, what appears to be insecurities (I could be wrong), a bit. She has to understand where you're coming from, instead of going about everything in secrecy which will only add fuel to the fire. Okay my g/f is definitely really hot and gets hit on quite a bit. Me I'm very good looking and never have problems finding girls . I get a quite a few girls staring at me when we are out together and she notices it and sometimes I don't even and she'll bring it to my attention. The thing with her is she is pretty jealous. With her I'm up front in the open with my friends that are girls and I always tell her when one of them emails or private messages me on facebook. And I would definitely tell her if I was going to meet up with one of them. I expect the same in return. Actually there is one particular girl that is a friend of mine that lives out of state now and comments on my facebook wall every now and then and My g/f hates her and never even met her! Am I insecure? Not at all. Jealous? Slightly but nothing more than an average guy. Like I'll joke about it with her if we see a guy staring her down in the mall or something.
dispatch3d Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Jesus you tell her everytime you receive a message from a girl? haha I'm trying to picture it. you 'Honey! We have incoming, message coming from Roxanne on "facebook"!!! She says "hello". I am typing back "hello".' her 'yeah ok that's great' you 'She is now asking about my weekend. I am replying in a simple factual manner "It was fun. We went to the beach."' her 'wtf! Why are you telling her we went to the beach! Why don't you just invite her to get naked and jump in your bed?' Oh come on I must be a little close? haha Seriously it seems like way too much monitoring to me. So you want to find out every guy she interacts with and she should also know every girl you interact with? I mean, she's probably "hiding" things becuase you flip out. Meh I agree it's tricky. I enjoyed my little comic story though.
Bridgey Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Yeah, I'd say you overreacted a bit. You have to understand, unless you guys are married, you are going to have lives apart from each other. Neither one of you should have to report to the other about who you talk to or who you guys hang out with. Do you have any reason not to trust her? It isn't ok that she gets jealous of you for having female friends, but that isn't a very good reason for you to be jealous of her having guys friends you don't know about. Sit down and have a calm talk with her about all this. If you don't come to a reasonable compromise you are going to see more problems down the road.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I had a college gf who was very similar to this situation, but she hid it a little more and it was a little more "shady" than your girl's actions, but I understand where you're coming from. I would say that you have a right to feel uncomfortable about it, but you may have shown her your discomfort in a non-helpful way. You don't want to sound like the super jealous guy. You told her it bothered you and she agreed to work on it. She obviously sees it as no big deal and you do...which is fine. Just be honest how you feel, tell her that you trust her, but it puts you in a weird position of trust. Tell her again you're ok with her having guy friends, but you'd like to know about them, who they are, what you guys do together, and that you want to meet them. If she hides it then you feel like she has something to hide and if it's not the case she should be more open about it. Just don't lose your cool. Apologize for the WAY you reacted, but don't apologize for feeling uncomfortable about it. This is serious because if you can't trust her it won't work, and if she's going to keep puting you in these predicaments then it won't allow you to trust her. She should also care about how you feel and a real girl worth your time wouldn't want to put you in these situations. Or even worse, she's flirting around and she's going to cheat on you (if she hasn't already).
curlygirl40 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm not saying that this is what's going on here, but I was married to a controlling guy for about 18 years. Sometimes I would lie about really stupid stuff just because I didn't want to hear his mouth. If I knew he was going to get upset about something, I didn't want to hear him complain about it, so I wouldn't tell him. I would lie to avoid a fight, to avoid conflict, to have to listen to him call me names, etc.. I'm not proud of it and I will NEVER be in a relationship again where I don't feel like I can be honest about everything. I suspect she knows you are going to be upset and she doesn't want the conflict, so she doesn't tell you things just because she doesn't want to upset you and to argue. It's possible that she isn't hiding anything important. What do you have in a relationship if you can't have trust? Why would you tell her every move you make, every message you send, etc.? You're both feeding into it with each other, IMO. It's a slippery slope. Oh, and yes I think you over-reacted. You need to consider this. You have NO control over if she will cheat on you. You only have control over YOUR reaction to it. That's it. No amount of worry, monitoring, etc. will make her not do it. So relax. Be confident in the fact that you could handle it if it happened. Don't worry about something that hasn't happened. Best of luck.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Ah this is a tricky one. Overreacted? Yes, a bit. You two have to find a common ground. I think what set this off was not the fact that she has male friends, but the fact that she's going about the whole thing in a secretive manner. Usually when things are done in a secretive manner, it's because there's some guilt attached to the action being done. That isn't implying that she was doing anything wrong though OP. Her stance is that she never had to report anything to her boyfriend, this is understandable, especially if he last boyfriend was very confident in himself and the relationship. My guess is she conducts interactions with other men in secrecy because she knows you have a mild stance against it. Why? Why do you feel she should report interactions with other men to you? Do you report interactions with other women to her? Are you insecure to a certain degree? How does your GF look? How do you look? In my opinion there's no wrong or right here. You have a valid reason, but so does she. Like mentioned before, the two of you have to find a common ground here or it will not work. You have to work on your, what appears to be insecurities (I could be wrong), a bit. She has to understand where you're coming from, instead of going about everything in secrecy which will only add fuel to the fire. His insecurities are a little justified. Meeting alone at a house with a guy she hasn't known very long, receiving gifts from guys....these are all "toeing the line" if she doesn't bring it up to him or hides it from him. I had a girlfriend that had a fake ID before I did and would go out partying with a bunch of guys she claimed to be her friends, yet she wouldn't talk about them, she wouldn't introduce me to them, she wouldn't tell me what they did, and she wouldn't even tell me their names. Now I still to this day don't believe she cheated on me, but she sure didn't make me feel 100% sure about it.
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