ctx2 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I was recently dating someone who has a history of committment issues. What they stem from, i'm not quite sure, but we made a deal at the beginning of our relationship because I have trust issues. I was going to work on trusting him and he was going to work on being open to me. Things were going great. He met my fam and vice versa, friends, and we did a trip together recently. However, I began to have trust issues that he knows about and when I expressed that I was having them with him due to my caring more about him, he ended things! I told him that I was sorry for having my doubts and I wanted to work through them, but he insisted that he can't lose me and this hurt too much to go back to the relationship and work from their. In fact, he asked that we be friends and go from there because he now wonders if he ever could've gone further with me or not, but now, he is in defense mode so we have to start somewhere. I'm hearing "well, I wasn't quite that into you and now that we've had our first major hurdle, I can end things and we can be friends". Am I wrong to think this? As of last night, I told him that I deserved another chance and we should work on our relationship, but he says he knows otherwise and he can't lose me. I pointed out that he's lost others by behaving like this and he should step outside of his box, but he was unwilling to do so. I feel like i've done so much for him in regards to our past and if he can't do this for me, then why should I continue to do more. Honestly, it would hurt me more to pretend to be his friend, while i'm longing for something more, so I ended our friendshipt to. This has hurt, but as I said, it would hurt more to pretend i'm okay being his friend. This is all so confusing, but it boils down to I guess he really wasn't that in to me and found his way out and I should just move on. Thoughts?
depplover_1980 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 How long have you been seeing him and how do you know he has lost others the same way?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm a bit confused ... HE ended things, yet he keeps saying he "can't lose" you? Seems like he has lost you, and he's the one who did the losing. In any case, if he really wants to break up, I'm so sorry but whether you deserve another chance or not isn't really at play. It seems that all you could do would be to say you do NOT want to break up, make sure he knows that, and then say goodbye. If he "can't lose" you for real, he would come back. I would NOT do the "friends" thing, either.
depplover_1980 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Just read this... http://ebrokenheart.com/commitmentphobia.html
Author ctx2 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 To answer your question, we met 2 years ago and began dating for about 6 months. At that time the relationship was very superficial. As we began to get to know one another, we really became friends. However, I couldn't deal with the fact that we were only on a superficial level and I ended things. Then, I found out that he had actually been kind of a dog and that's why our relationship never progressed. I thought we had become friends, so you can imagine my hurt over what I felt was a betrayl and told him to take a hike. I didn't talk to him for almost a year when we bumped into one another at a funeral. It started off as a renewal of our friendship, but then we complicated things by sleeping together and I found out that he was still fooling around with the girl he had been fooling around with before which hurt, but we weren't committed and he begged for a chance to earn my trust. I asked for him to stay open and we started dating at the beginning of December 2010. Everything seemed wonderful, but as I began to care more, I started to trust less and worried that he would hurt me again because of our past. That's when I talked to him about it and he decided we should just go back to our friendship because he couldn't lose me like he lost me last time. I did tell him that I wanted our relationship to continue and I would like for us to work on it, but he won't do it. He says he can't lose me, but I don't think he anticipated that I would leave again. I wish I had told him that it's because I can't do the friend thing because my hearts not there and it would just be me doing what he wants which would be torturous for me when he inevitably moves on, because that's not what I want to happen. I know that he has done this several times because he has admitted it to me. He has kept friends and then they move on and he regrets it. He says he can't get past a certain point and he doesn't know why thought I suspect someone hurt him in the past by things he has said, but really, who hasn't been hurt and continues down this insane path that he's doing. I've done all I can. He text me last night that it's killing him to lose me and I just told him that he gave me up. I don't plan on absolving him of the guilt. I mean, i've done ALL I can and I feel I have to watch out for myself too! He even text me today to let me know that his sis (who I am close with and had a baby yesterday) isn't out of the hospital and he just wanted to let me know then asked how my day was and I just told him thanks for the info, but didn't respond any other way. His sis doesn't have my number cuz she is 16, but he is passing that info to her so we can stay in touch since they lost their mother a couple of years ago and he knows I care for her. I'm just at a loss. I have given him so many chances and he can't do the same for me. I really think it's an excuse, but thats the mad part of me.
depplover_1980 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I feel your pain and have my own pain to deal with at the moment as my man also has commitment phobia. It is a genuine phobia,not to be confused with 'he's not into you' and unless they seek professional counselling to explore the deep rooted fear they won't get over it. I have left my man because frankly I'm tired of games. It is killing me to not contact him if i'm honest and if it wasn't for the fact I managed to clean myself of booze last year I would have made a fool of myself. I am applying the same mental technique I used to get clean to ignore my urges to reach out to him. You cannot fix someone who is not focused to fix themselves. Words are not enough and action is required.
Author ctx2 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 I'm sorry that you have to go through this too. I realize that it's a true problem on his part and I did warn him that if he doesn't work to fix whatever it is that's holding him back, he will continue to lose the ones he loves. He acknowledged that he is worried that he will be lonely bastard the rest of his life. I know what to do, I just hurt having to do it, but I just can't do it his way. I'm proud of you for kicking the booze habit. That never solves anything. Thanks for the link too. It's almost exactly what i've gone through with him.
depplover_1980 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 It is freaky how the profile fits isn't it? When my ex got close to me, he would withdraw so sharply - a bit like an arachnophobic rapidly running from a spider. I have battled extensive mental illnesses myself so I knew early on what I was dealing with and I am naturally a great counsellor (starting training at the end of the summer) but this is too personal and painful for me. He is almost transparent to me, I see everything that he is and I think it terrifies him and he has told me 'no one has every understood me like you do' and the poor mite has run away from it. Sad for him really as I will move on eventually, I'll trust and love again because I always recover and bounce back. But he'll be lucky to find another me and someone so patient for a good while, if ever.
flow15 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) Just read this... http://ebrokenheart.com/commitmentphobia.html Wow depp_lover.... I just read this link, and it sums my ex up and our relationship down to a T. When my ex ended it his reason was that he can't be in a relationship as he loves him freedom too much, but reading this link has just made me realize hes just a commitment phobe!! He's come back four times, and even though he said hes not coming back again... Im still wishing he will. I know you cant change a commitment phobe.... but is there anything you can do to make a commitment phobe want to be with you? Since hes ended it, he is all I think about.. I've been NC on and off for 2 weeks now. I'm sorry cxt2 for taking over your thread! Edited February 7, 2011 by flow15
depplover_1980 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 You must establish the source of his fear - often steming from abandonment issues from childhood, parents divorcing or a bad relationship. Encourage him to be open but do not push it and back off the pressure the minute he does. Try and understand his fear from his point of view and reassure where necessary. Keep your own life there at all times for 2 reasons, first to allow some room between you and secondly to have it to fall back on. I got very far with my fella and understand him fully; at one point he suggested seeing a counsellor but it hasn't arisen since. But we have been split up 3 weeks tomorrow now and I have not heard from him since last Tues when he wanted us to stay friends and I brutally rebuffed him, though apologised for my harshness 4 days ago and nothing. I have faith that I know him, therefore he will be searching for sex to take his mind of it all and he will get it no problem because he is stunning. However I predict it leaves him with an emptiness, as a large part of him is tired of sleeping around (he has had 100 partners). I don't regret my decision, I had to put myself first though f u c k it has been hurting me the last few days.
flow15 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 You must establish the source of his fear - often steming from abandonment issues from childhood, parents divorcing or a bad relationship. Encourage him to be open but do not push it and back off the pressure the minute he does. Try and understand his fear from his point of view and reassure where necessary. Keep your own life there at all times for 2 reasons, first to allow some room between you and secondly to have it to fall back on. I got very far with my fella and understand him fully; at one point he suggested seeing a counsellor but it hasn't arisen since. But we have been split up 3 weeks tomorrow now and I have not heard from him since last Tues when he wanted us to stay friends and I brutally rebuffed him, though apologised for my harshness 4 days ago and nothing. I have faith that I know him, therefore he will be searching for sex to take his mind of it all and he will get it no problem because he is stunning. However I predict it leaves him with an emptiness, as a large part of him is tired of sleeping around (he has had 100 partners). I don't regret my decision, I had to put myself first though f u c k it has been hurting me the last few days. I know how much it hurts.... Thing is I don't think I will ever get another chance with my ex, when he ended it he said he didn't want a relationship.. so I don't think there is anything I can do. I'm just going NC and hoping he'll come back
depplover_1980 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Same here and you have to respect that really, but when you read the profile it's part of the mindset. Long run you need someone committed so though it hurts now, when we meet someone with no mental issues () it will be a dream!! Mind you I am a bit phobic myself which is funny that I ended up wanting a relationship with him in the end. To be honest I just don't like the fact there is bad feeling between us because there obviously is as he didn't accept my apology so I must have hurt him with what I said. Good. Last punch.
flow15 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 The bad feeling will go with time I'm sure. Just stay NC, if he wants to contact you he will eventually. I wish there was a way I could make my ex come back to me, its not like i want a serious relationship, i just find it crazy that if we love eachother why can we not see eachother and be together?!
depplover_1980 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Oh I know it will all be fine, I have endured much worse than this in my time and between me and you misery is like an old friend. This has a toughness because he was my 'Master' in the S&M sense in the bedroom and a few other areas so it was a very unique relationship for both of us. So in that sense it is a new type of loss.
Author ctx2 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Oh, Flow, I know exactly what you mean. It's not that I was approaching the thought of marriage it's that I was getting comfortable and even he pointed that out to me! I just can't believe that someone who cares for someone else will do this. I mean, i'm in survival mode and recognize his problem and I have to watch out for myself above all things, because if I didn't, I would just keep enabling him. Sadly, i'm doing all the work that others didn't have the balls to do and watch, he'll be ready for the next girl that comes along
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 As of last night, I told him that I deserved another chance and we should work on our relationship, but he says he knows otherwise and he can't lose me. What you deserve isn't another chance, but a better relationship with a more stable individual. Unfortunately, this guy is pulling on your strings like an experienced puppet master. At this point, you shouldn't be telling him deserve another chance- you should be telling him you deserve better! The whole scaling things back and reverting to a friendship is ridiculous for him to expect- and you shouldn't accept such an arrangement. You didn't blow anything or do anything wrong by bringing up your trust issues- you were simply communicating your feelings (that's what people do in normal, healthy relationships). Imagine being in a long term relationship with someone where you walk on pins and needles constantly, because upsetting the balance in the most mundane form will send him into retreat mode.... That's the life you'd be in for if you settled for a LTR with this guy. I think your instincts were bang on with regard to not trusting this guy. He kind of proved your worst fears when he retreated at the first hint of strife. Stable people don't run away over their partners concerns, they work together to iron things out.
Author ctx2 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Thanks, lady. I just couldn't do the friends thing. I mean, I wanted the relationship part to work and that's what I expressed and if he can't give me that, it doesn't mean I go into friend mode. That woulda been torture acting like i'm his friend when I obviously wanted more...and then imagine when he moved on...it woulda hurt. I know i'm doing right by me. He still had the nerve to text me this morning: "So, I don't know if you want me to do this, but I just wanted to say good morning and I hope you have a good day." I replied: "Thank you, but I thought I was clear the other night. I'm not doing things ur way, so I guess you can say i'm taking the highway" He then said ok and he was clear now. You know he's rationalizing that he tried to stay my friend while missing the fact that I can't be his friend cuz I wanted to salvage our relationship. Somehow, he'll rationalize that this is my fault. That's what pisses me off. Either way, thank you for your support. I do deserve better.
depplover_1980 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I know somehow it will be our fault. Freaks of nature - I call them... Emotional Retards!!
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