UntoldStory Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hi all. I've been lurking since Oct, when I confidently told everyone that I was going to see where the LC road led with my xMM. Hahahahahahahah.... Sorry, now that I've stopped laughing at myself (and hopefully all you have stopped laughing at me, too!), I wanted to share this link I found recently as it's REALLY helped me start to truly disengage my feelings from xMM, who is still hanging around in "friendship" guise. Much of it is comforting, validating, but also a splash of cold water in the face that for me, is much needed. My xMM may not be borderline, but many of the aspects of our relationship described here are similar -- the intoxication of being idealized, the powerful longing and intensity, the ongoing hope that we'll someday get back to that addicting energy that characterized our first 5 months or so.... Seems to me the addictive quality of a relationship with a borderline shares something in common with the affair fog. So I thought it might help other OW's at my stage. http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm BTW, I'm still separated from my stbxH, now 3 months out. Have no regrets about that. If history labels my relationship with xMM as an "exit affair," so be it -- I will always be thankful it happened. Nothing less powerful could have cro-bar'd me, a rescuing type, out of my R with my depressed H. Hope you are all well!
ladydesigner Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Wow thank you for this link. While it has been over 2 years since my A ended. This explains A LOT about my ending. I can't thank you enough for this link. It all makes sense to me now. While I no longer think about my XAP. I tend to focus on how mean he was to me upon ending with me and how out of the blue it was. This link perfectly describes what happened. Perfectly describes who he was. Thank You!
Heather1 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Certainly explains the break up process. I swear, I've never broken up w/ someone so many times before in my life! I never got back together w/ any old BF's. Plus, I'm genetically screwed relationship wise so it was going to come out in some way. Interesting
flowergirl77 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 This thread caught my eye: I have BPD (diagnosed as mild) but it gives me a new understanding of why every one of my relationships were so rocky and always in turmoil! And now why I am having the problems I am with my M and getting over my xOM. Lots written on BPD and the tendency toward engaging in multiple affairs if one has the disorder-not an excuse, but a biological cause why some might be more prone to engaging in infidelity than others? Perhaps.
Author UntoldStory Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 I'm really glad it's helpful. I know for sure my xMM is a "people pleaser" type (we've discussed it quite directly), which is one of the reasons I fell so hard for him so fast. I have a strong suspicion his W is BPD. From what I've read, these two types apparently fall hard for each other and then tend to make each other's lives hell starting pretty soon after the wedding. Just interesting to think about the fact that yes, the chemistry and bond in an A is incredibly intense and fast-moving in many cases, but so is a legit relationship with a people pleaser OR a BPD sufferer (according to everything I've read). So it would seem to follow that being in an A with one of these two types would mean the highs are twice as high and the lows are twice as low.... and it doesn't seem like the A is likely to die a slow, peaceful death. More like careful surgery is needed to extract one's self (myself ).
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