D78 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 It's been said on LS several times - don't let your ex apologize, because that is just allowing your ex to "get it off his or her chest" and will "let him or her feel better." I think this advice is misguided for so many reasons. If you're really moving on, why do you care how your ex feels? If you really loved your ex, why do you want your ex to suffer? Even when your ex suffers, it does not affect your suffering in any genuine sense (it could superficially make you feel better in a revenge sort of way). Making sure your ex continues to suffer is useless unless you think about your ex, which means you are not really moving on from the relationship and are no better than you were when your ex left. Your ex does not deserve the energy you expend to think these thoughts. If you want your ex back, do you think that your ex will be more likely to return if it feels bad every time he or she thinks of you? Do you think your ex would appreciate forgiveness? Do you think your ex would appreciate it if you considered his or her feelings instead of only focusing on your own? On a most basic level, have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever been forgiven for that mistake, even when you didn't deserve it? Why are you not good enough to pay it forward and extend the same graciousness to others? Just because our exs are #$%^ does not mean we have to be #$%^ too. At some point we all have to let go of our exs. Letting go and moving on requires forgiveness. Forgiveness is so much easier when you have an apology. I understand many people know that their exs wouldn't give them the time of day if they contacted them to clear the air; and for people in that situation, NC is the only way to go. But, for those people who receive genuine apologies from their exs, what is the point in saying "I will never forgive you" just to keep the ex feeling bad? Just my 2 cents. I would like everyone else's opinion, please.
rrobbie Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 all i want is forgivness ive emailed her manytime but still no answer that what hurts the most that i cant get her forgiveness i cant move on with out it i cant sleep at night thinking of the words i said when we split it my dying wish to have her forgivness not her company again maybe she guilty as i told her like it is but i feel i disrepected her in the process
Graceful Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Forgiveness vs. wishing pain on your ex vs. indifference ... it's all kind of complicated and I honestly think it depends on the circumstances of the breakup. There are definitely instances when the apology is a clear case of the dumper wanting to "clear his name" or make him or herself look or feel better, and the apology is not sincere. (this is similar to "being sorry" vs. "being sorry you got caught" if you see what I mean) I was dumped by someone who still remains "the love of my life" (so far anyhow) and I only once, for a very short time, wished him any ill. Otherwise, I only wanted the best for him. I wasn't bitter, I wasn't angry, I was very broken, but I felt he was also suffering (he made it very clear that he was) and the breakup was very difficult for him. I even remember him telling me how impressed he was with my response to the breakup because he just assumed my response would be very angry, and it wasn't at all. I truly loved him, and this showed in my response. But when I was dumped, and left like roadkill after being cheated on and lied to, well,, my response was one of outrage and anger. I was clearly out of control. I never felt anything like it in my life, I even scared myself because for a short time I thought I felt hatred, which was horrible. Once I got myself under control, I was able to begin to tease apart "what made me feel horrible" and how that affected me, and I began to drop all of the negative emotions. They were doing me no good. But he never really apologized, and to this day, it's always been on my mind how much I would have appreciated a clear apology, even if it was not oozing with sincerity. I still needed one, and I never got one. Making sure your ex continues to suffer is useless unless you think about your ex, which means you are not really moving on from the relationship and are no better than you were when your ex left. Your ex does not deserve the energy you expend to think these thoughts. Until you achieve some sense of distance from the situation, this is very difficult to do. Time, space and energy help. I did get there over time. As I said, holding negative emotions is very detrimental to your own healing and has nothing to do with anyone but yourself. If you want your ex back, do you think that your ex will be more likely to return if it feels bad every time he or she thinks of you? Do you think your ex would appreciate forgiveness? Do you think your ex would appreciate it if you considered his or her feelings instead of only focusing on your own? Again, I see this as very circumstantial. There is no doubt that in life in general, that leaving off on good terms, no matter what the circumstances, is the best thing you can do for yourself. There is a tendency, of course, if you have been dumped, to assume your ex is on easy street, not hurting. This can be far from the truth. Yes, we all make mistakes, and I appreciate forgiveness for mine. But I don't consider all mistakes the same level. I put mistakes let's say on a scale of 1 to 10. I can let go of a level "1" very easily. A level "10" (such as cheating), well, that's a different story altogether. I've been on many boards and the topic of forgiveness comes up quite a bit. It's very complicated. We all have to take it at our own pace and base it on our own personal beliefs and experiences. I feel very strongly that holding on to negative emotions is very detrimental to one's physical, mental and spiritual health, and releasing them is critical to healing. So whatever it takes to recognize this, whatever it takes to release those emotions, that's what we all need to try to do at some point. This will be much more difficult for some than for others. We all need to strive for this release. But, for those people who receive genuine apologies from their exs, what is the point in saying "I will never forgive you" just to keep the ex feeling bad? I agree. But this is easier said than done, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes the pain is just too deep to consider it. That's just a reality. Just my 2 cents. I would like everyone else's opinion, please. Mine, too. Good food for thought.
GreenPolicy Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I think there are apologies where the ex just wants to feel better about themselves and it's for their own edification and they don't really have genuine empathy for what you're feeling. As for wishing ill or whatnot on my ex - if she's not going to be with me, then I hope she eventually ends up with another good guy like me. I don't want her to suffer in life - but I DO want her to deal with negative consequences of breaking up with me. I don't want her to be with an abuser, but I do want her to get with a guy who doesn't treat her nearly as well as I did, so she can finally realize the magnitude of what she gave up when she kicked me to the curb.
GreenPolicy Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I feel very strongly that holding on to negative emotions is very detrimental to one's physical, mental and spiritual health, and releasing them is critical to healing. So whatever it takes to recognize this, whatever it takes to release those emotions, that's what we all need to try to do at some point. This will be much more difficult for some than for others. We all need to strive for this release. Well I have finally reached the stage where I am genuinely angry at my ex for how she treated me. She may have issues, but that does not excuse her behavior and how she chose to hurt me. I think it's a necessary stage to fully embrace those feelings of anger. But I look at it as I do need to learn to forgive her and move on. I feel like anger is a necessary rest stop on your journey of healing, not a final destination.
brneyedgrl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 My ex has done this to me once before 4 years ago, and at that time I left him with kind words and good luck for the future. Two days prior to my move date I watched as he broke down, told me how sorry he was and that he knows he's losing the best thing he ever had and it's all his fault. I calmly told him I forgave him and that maybe it was meant to be, that I hope he finds what he's looking for and either way we will both move on and live our lives and find happiness again. I think the way I handled it was one of the reasons he faught so hard to come back a year later. At that time it gave me relief and the capability to move on. However, this time seems a little different. He had his second chance and still blew it. Was this b/u his fault? Absolutely. Were there things I could've changed in order to make our relationship stronger? Yes. But I never got the chance. I was blindsided by this case he had built up against me as to why he did what he did and it wasn't fair. He has apologized but I think it was more of an "I'm sorry u found out about everything before I had a chance to really make a decision" type deal. I have been civil but cold. This time I don't think I can give forgiveness or accept an apology. At least not for a very long while.
GreenPolicy Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 My ex has done this to me once before 4 years ago, and at that time I left him with kind words and good luck for the future. Two days prior to my move date I watched as he broke down, told me how sorry he was and that he knows he's losing the best thing he ever had and it's all his fault. I calmly told him I forgave him and that maybe it was meant to be, that I hope he finds what he's looking for and either way we will both move on and live our lives and find happiness again. I think the way I handled it was one of the reasons he faught so hard to come back a year later. At that time it gave me relief and the capability to move on. However, this time seems a little different. He had his second chance and still blew it. Was this b/u his fault? Absolutely. Were there things I could've changed in order to make our relationship stronger? Yes. But I never got the chance. I was blindsided by this case he had built up against me as to why he did what he did and it wasn't fair. He has apologized but I think it was more of an "I'm sorry u found out about everything before I had a chance to really make a decision" type deal. I have been civil but cold. This time I don't think I can give forgiveness or accept an apology. At least not for a very long while. One of the last things my ex said to me in our b/u conversation was "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married." WTF? On some level I know that's a true statement and not just letting me down gently crap because she said the exact same kind of stuff when we were together.
brneyedgrl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 One of the last things my ex said to me in our b/u conversation was "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married." WTF? On some level I know that's a true statement and not just letting me down gently crap because she said the exact same kind of stuff when we were together. Isn't funny how the red flags we get while in the relationship always give us kind of a jolt when they reappear in the b/u? Even though my ex and I had some rocky times, I chaulked it up to reg. relationship stuff that we could work out because overall we were happy and in love. Little did I know the red flags I saw 6 years ago when we first started dating and continued to see throughout our time together would ultimately be the demise of our relationship. Yet here I am still shell-shocked by the whole thing.
Andymack Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Isn't funny how the red flags we get while in the relationship always give us kind of a jolt when they reappear in the b/u? Even though my ex and I had some rocky times, I chaulked it up to reg. relationship stuff that we could work out because overall we were happy and in love. Little did I know the red flags I saw 6 years ago when we first started dating and continued to see throughout our time together would ultimately be the demise of our relationship. Yet here I am still shell-shocked by the whole thing. I know exactly what you're saying. Things that me and my ex had fought about and I had forgotten suddenly reared there ugly head again towards the end of the relationship and at the break up. I think she had been thinking about them constantly since the fight and they were eating away at her when i thought that everything was fine.
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